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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have my DS's girlfriend to stay

295 replies

AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 13:49

I have name changed for this thread, because this might be identifying. It's an issue which is weighing on me currently, and I haven't discussed it properly in real life yet. AIBU may be the wrong place, sorry. Trying to keep it brief:

My DS is now 21 (at University a few hours away), and his girlfriend of several years the same age. Roughly 3 years ago, he asked if he could bring the girlfriend to stay - I agreed. This was, well it was a disaster. Over the course of the week she stayed she drank all of the alcohol in my son's room and stole drink which I had in the house. She was sick all over the place, she was screaming, crying, in some awful states, she missed her flight home... I was so incredibly angry at her, and at my son for inflicting her on me. Vowed I'd never have her in my house again. She phoned after she finally reached her home to apologise, and tell me that she had a severe alcohol problem. (I had realised...) According to my DS, she is now 2 and a half years sober, and attends AA meetings regularly. He wants to bring her to stay at Christmas. And I just...I can't. She caused utter havoc, drove a wedge between me and my son. AIBU to say no, despite what I hear of her 'recovery'? Sad

OP posts:
Vixxfacee · 17/09/2015 16:56

Die? How are you putting this on death levels. She got drunk and stole some some drink and was sick. She didn't kill ops kitten or punch her in the face.

Haffdonga · 17/09/2015 16:58

No, but she hit ds in the face. Does that make it better? Hmm

shovetheholly · 17/09/2015 16:59

This is one of those rare and rather wonderful threads where you can see someone really trying to do something they find very difficult in order to move on. Props to you, OP. That takes guts.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 17/09/2015 18:05

shovetheholly - thank you, I appreciate that. And thanks to the others who have agreed that things were actually quite 'bad'. I was starting to feel a bit mad :( Yes, she did hit my ds. And broke things and ransacked my room and blah blah. No, I suppose she wouldn't have done that if she was sober. And I don't think I ought to be dwelling on that now.

OP posts:
Beholdtheflorist · 17/09/2015 18:42

To be honest after reading the OP I'm mostly impressed with this young women whose admitted she has a problem and dealt with it (and continues to deal with it). Giving up any kind of addiction is really hard and I applaud her.

CalonDu · 17/09/2015 19:55

If your DS does end up spending Christmas with his dad, with GF in tow, please don't spend Christmas on your own with a tiny turkey - book yourself some kind of indulgent short break, or go and stay with friends. In the nicest possible way - I really don't mean this to sound cruel - you don't want it to turn into 'I had to have Christmas all alone because you're still with your untrustworthy alkie girlfriend'. Fair enough if you don't feel you can have her in your house, that's absolutely up to you. But separate the two things as far as you can, and don't let his 'choice'/your 'problem' be the reason you have a crap Christmas.

CalonDu · 17/09/2015 20:00

Oops, sorry, I had the thread open and missed lots of updates. OP, I think it's great that you're meeting with her, and I really hope you find a very different girl and you both have a fresh start. It's easy to minimise something like this from a distance, especially if it came on top of an unhappy divorce and all kinds of heartache about the future.

kali110 · 17/09/2015 20:43

I hope things go well op.
I'm sure you are nervous, just think she is probably a hundred times more nervous!
It was 3 years ago and she was ill.
She is not a horrible person.
She was a silly teenager who was ill and did a very bad thing.
She is a different person now.
She has tried to make a amends with you.
Your ds has forgiven her and is making a life with her.
This hopefully will be a new start for all of you.

Chocolatespread22 · 17/09/2015 21:10

It's obviously hard did you that you're not the most important person in his life anymore, but you need to build bridges.

diddl · 18/09/2015 07:09

"No, I suppose she wouldn't have done that if she was sober. And I don't think I ought to be dwelling on that now."

I think that that is the key.

It wouldn't be fair to not see her again now that she is sober imo.

Hopefully the visit goes well.

I'm a dweller, I can sympathise with that!

ahbollocks · 18/09/2015 07:19

Hello OP. I think you are doing really well.
A lot of hand wringing here on behalf of the GF :/
Fwiw my mum is an alcoholic. Sadly after 10 years she has relapsed but even before then it took me a good 8-9 years to even begin to forgive some of the things she did that hurt our family. I've always stayed in contact because of my siblings but it has been very very hard to have a friendship and any trust.
I think maybe there are people on this thread who don't realise how horrible and manipulative and cruel an alcoholic will be when backed into a corner.
However, she has done steps 8 and 9 of AA
which is making a list and making a direct apology for her actions.
I would meet up, any chance of you all meeting halfway? What about Manchester christmas markets, a show and a couple of nights in a premier Inn?

I totally get why you can't trust her yet

RhodaBull · 18/09/2015 08:30

I too feel very sorry for OP. Those saying it's not that bad - bizarre. And agree wholeheartedly that the thread would have been very different had the girlfriend been a boyfriend.

Anyway, I agree that a meeting off base is the way to go. To have the first encounter after three years at the scene of the crime, as it were, is just going to bring back bad memories all round, and as the OP lives in the back of beyond if things do go awry then there is no way the ds and gf can leave easily. Leaving aside the issue about alcoholism, guests and hosts can often rub each other up the wrong way or even have a serious falling out, especially at Christmas when people are desperate to be having a jolly time.

For some reason I have encountered quite a few alcoholics over the years (perhaps there are a lot about) and apart from the actual drinking and being sick etc, as ahbollocks comments, they are often mean . In any moderate drinker alcohol loosens the tongue, but often alcoholics have issues and everything can come gushing out in a stream of vitriol. It sounds as if the ds's gf was not on some teenage bender, but was acting in a far worse and scarier way.

I think slowly is the way to go. Have contact for ds's sake, but be cautious.

Seriouslyffs · 18/09/2015 08:48

•it was a big deal
•you're still processing what happened and are in shock
•you're being very receptive and that's impressive
•the stakes are high regarding sustaining your relationship with your son due to the isolation of where you live and his girlfriend's behaviour
•meeting away from home is a great idea
•she's probably more nervous than you
•Flowers

seastargirl · 18/09/2015 13:10

I would imagine that many of the people here have not witnessed, the unbelievable physical strength, aggression and desperation that a true alcoholic has. I have memories of my 5 foot grandma pushing a wardrobe out of the bedroom window when people refused to get her drink.

I'm sure you were terrified for you and your son then and have been terrified for your son ever since. However, I think with the time that has passed you're sensible to meet up with her and see if you can build some kind of relationship with her for your sons sake. I wish you the very best of luck!

seastargirl · 18/09/2015 13:12

And how many people would move heaven and earth to keep there daughter from an alcoholic man who had hit previously hit them?

seastargirl · 18/09/2015 13:12

Sorry their daughter!

BoffinMum · 18/09/2015 13:19

You never give up an addiction, you only manage it. It never, ever goes away. AA makes that quite clear. You can lapse at any time, and people do. You can be sober for years, and people are, and then people sometimes lapse, and everyone is back at stage 1. Which is why it is all so difficult.

Using their words, she did not keep her side of the street clean and you have no reason to believe she won't mess things up again.

If it was my house, and my son, I would say I didn't want to have anything to do with her there. I would treat her in a civil manner and be polite and all that, but I would say while I understood her difficulties, I did not want to be worrying about their impact on my life and my home. And that would be that. My boundaries would be clear.

If she really is involved with AA she can take that back and discuss it there, and nobody will be surprised.

BoffinMum · 18/09/2015 13:21

BTW what exactly does she mean by 'regular'? Daily? Involved with what I think they call citizenship? Who is her sponsor? How exactly is it all working over there?

Keeptrudging · 18/09/2015 19:53

Yes, if she's going to meetings regularly she will be able to accept your feelings on this and to discuss them with you openly, without holding resentments (a main 'rule' of the AA as resentments fester).

LUKYMUM · 19/09/2015 07:49

Thank you Haffdonga for saying so clearly what I couldn't. I was blown away by the lack of support for OP.

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