Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have my DS's girlfriend to stay

295 replies

AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 13:49

I have name changed for this thread, because this might be identifying. It's an issue which is weighing on me currently, and I haven't discussed it properly in real life yet. AIBU may be the wrong place, sorry. Trying to keep it brief:

My DS is now 21 (at University a few hours away), and his girlfriend of several years the same age. Roughly 3 years ago, he asked if he could bring the girlfriend to stay - I agreed. This was, well it was a disaster. Over the course of the week she stayed she drank all of the alcohol in my son's room and stole drink which I had in the house. She was sick all over the place, she was screaming, crying, in some awful states, she missed her flight home... I was so incredibly angry at her, and at my son for inflicting her on me. Vowed I'd never have her in my house again. She phoned after she finally reached her home to apologise, and tell me that she had a severe alcohol problem. (I had realised...) According to my DS, she is now 2 and a half years sober, and attends AA meetings regularly. He wants to bring her to stay at Christmas. And I just...I can't. She caused utter havoc, drove a wedge between me and my son. AIBU to say no, despite what I hear of her 'recovery'? Sad

OP posts:
BiddyPop · 17/09/2015 09:29
Flowers It sounds like you are working through the issues, and reaching sensible conclusions that will allow an ongoing relationship between you and your DS, and rebuilding one with his GF, while avoiding the tension of doing it over Christmas in your territory but at a time that suits you all best.

Best of luck!! I hope your DS understands it too and is happy to work on it with you.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 17/09/2015 09:34

Thanks so much Biddy. And I hope so too! About DS understanding, I mean.

OP posts:
Justaboy · 17/09/2015 10:44

AnotherNameTrala * this must be very difficult for you, and I think you have coped with it quite well. Please realise that the girls ill that's what alcoholism is, its an addiction like drugs and the like. And no its not the sort of illness that most people cope with that well that's to say other people around. My first DW if thats the correct term for dear wife had mental illness and a lot of people had a problem in coping with that anyone can understand a broken leg but manic depression another matter. After all as most people will say "pull yourself together" to someone who's suffering with depression that indicates how little they understand the problem.

that said..

Turn this around to your advantage. Let him and her understand that you want to help and be supportive to him and her. After all your son has known her for quite sometime and must think a lot of her and seems to me by standing by her he's a damn good bloke. It may well be he got that from his mum;-)

OK not much fun having had her raging around like she did etc but try to be supportive talk to them, help them as best you can risk another less than just so happy Christmas but it might, handled right, be a win-win outcome.

After all what have you really got to loose, a lot IMHO?. A lovely son who's helped and stood by a lady with a difficult to understand problem or make enemies of him and her and once bridges are broken there a real sod to mend.

Spartans · 17/09/2015 11:56

Well done op that's a great first step!

Fwiw I the pp meant the neighbour was married to GP, I may be wrong.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 17/09/2015 12:23

No Another i meant that the lecherous neighbour was married to the GP, not you!

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 17/09/2015 12:45

Oh, ok! Sorry. Blush No lecherous neighbours here, mostly sheep.

OP posts:
autumnintheair · 17/09/2015 12:49

Op this is wonderful, am thrilled you are helping to build bridges and move forward, your doing the right thing you really are Smile That is not to say however there is a guarantee she may not fall off the wagon again, no one could predict that, but if she does, you will survive it but you have still done the right thing.

autumnintheair · 17/09/2015 12:52

Incidentally, if this bottle of good whisky was right at the back of the kitchen cupboard how on earth did she find it? And why was it there?

Grin

I have had my cupboards combed by drinkers before. Its not unusual!

I have a bottle of brandy in the back of my cupboard from last years xmas cake. I had one attacked the year before by drinker and had to replace it!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/09/2015 13:19

So pleased you've taken that first step of arranging to meet up with your DS and his GF prior to Christmas - I really hope that it's a "new start" for you and her, because she might be around for a long while yet.
Excellent outcome!

DontDrinkandFacebook · 17/09/2015 13:29

No-one has ever rifled under my sink or anywhere else in fact, looking for hidden booze. I don't know whether that means I have to right kind of parties or the wrong kind. Grin

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 17/09/2015 13:34

ThumbWitch Thanks - I think we have an actual date sorted now, and I feel incredibly nervous all of a sudden. I suppose she might feel that way too, though!

Facebook, she went literally everywhere in the house looking for it. I returned from work to find my bedroom pretty much turned upside down. Ancient dusty miniatures gone etc.

OP posts:
ChipsandGuac · 17/09/2015 13:35

I don't think I've ever read a thread where I felt quite so sorry for the Op. Not because of what happened but because I just can't imagine living with such bitterness and lack of perspective for 3 years over something that really isn't that big a deal.

18 year olds make giant twats of themselves all the time. Having the strength to recognize they have a problem, get help and maintain sobriety for 2 1/2 years shows immense strength of character.

I really hope your trip is a success as I think if you can see she's no longer the hot mess kid she was in 2012, it will do you good to be able to move on. Good luck!

SilverBirchWithout · 17/09/2015 13:43

Chips I do think the OP has realised this, and although we can all have opinions about this, she has been very honest and open about her own shortcomings.

She couldn't help how she felt, and it sounds like she has been unable to talk to anyone in real life about what happened, so it's not surprising she had been struggling to move on. The OP has taken on some of the advice here, and is now trying to get over the past.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 17/09/2015 13:46

'really isn't that big a deal.'

You have no idea. Absolutely none.

OP posts:
ChipsandGuac · 17/09/2015 13:47

Yes, I agree! I think my post may read harsher than I intended. It's just this thread made me feel so sad.

Vixxfacee · 17/09/2015 13:49

Am I the only one who thinks what she didn't wasn't that bad?

She was 18 and got drunk and was sick and acted as bit of a fool.
She was/is an alcoholic and is doing something about it.

aside from the alcoholism most people have got drunk and did silly things. It was 3 years ago. Get over it.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 17/09/2015 13:54

Thank you Silver. I know that hanging on to what happened and not talking about it has been very bad for me, and I can't quite believe that this thread has helped me get so far already.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 17/09/2015 13:56

I don't know. It was probably fine, yeah. No idea why I've been so upset about it really.

OP posts:
Spartans · 17/09/2015 14:03

I think what she (and the ds by bringing her without discussing it) did was awful.

I just think a lot has changed, since then. Really significant changes.

But yes I think it was 'that bad'.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/09/2015 14:10

Yes VIxx, you probably are the only one. Have really read the OP's posts? Hmm

"not that bad" - christ, I'd hate to see your definition of "that bad" then - does someone actually have to die before it gets "that bad" in your world?

ivykaty44 · 17/09/2015 14:16

It is up to you who you let stay in your house, could though your son and gf stay in a nearby premier inn type place on this first visit since the incident and see how things go?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 17/09/2015 16:08

I'm glad you have managed to arrange a date with your DS. I'm sure his gf will be feeling nervous too. I hope it goes well Flowers

Bolograph · 17/09/2015 16:23

could though your son and gf stay in a nearby premier inn type place on this first visit

I wonder where the closest Travelodge or Premier Inn is to the OP? My guess would be about four hours away, in Inverness, which is a say an hour and a bit's drive to Ullapool and then three hours on the ferry to Stornoway, plus however long it takes on her end. Not much fun in the winter, though: that's a pretty bleak road and the ferry is cancelled if the weather's bad. You could fly, I guess, from Aberdeen...

diddl · 17/09/2015 16:54

I think that what she did was bad as well.

Of course the nature of the beast being that she couldn't help herself.

We have a couple of bottles of wine & some Port visible in the kitchen & I wouldn't give a toss if that went.

Perhaps not even if someone looked throughh kitchen cupboards.

But to go into someone's bedroom is another matter.

And if OPs son knew atthe time how things were for her...

Haffdonga · 17/09/2015 16:56

Oh FFS. I'm getting quite cross on your behalf OP. How contrary MN can be.

Acted a bit of a fool ?
Not that big a deal ?
Wasn't that bad ?

This guest in OP's house threw things, broke things, verbally and physically attacked people, ransacked the OP's house including her bedroom, stole things and not surprisingly seriously frightened the OP.

Not that bad? Really? Would you say that if she was 35? Would you say that if she was male? Would you say that if, for example, she was the OP's XH or her ds?

Her age and her addiction is not an excuse even if it's an explanation. Being an 18 year old alcoholic does not make that behaviour in any way 'not a big deal' or understandable and OP has every right to choose not to have such a person in her house ever again.

9 times out of 10 this thread would have gone the other way and the OP would be being urged to report gf the police and cut contact with her ds. Confused

Good luck with the meeting OP. You sound very brave and calm. I hope you can have a bit of a heart to heart with your ds to explain how much trust they both need to rebuild with you before you van have a happy family Christmas.