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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have my DS's girlfriend to stay

295 replies

AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 13:49

I have name changed for this thread, because this might be identifying. It's an issue which is weighing on me currently, and I haven't discussed it properly in real life yet. AIBU may be the wrong place, sorry. Trying to keep it brief:

My DS is now 21 (at University a few hours away), and his girlfriend of several years the same age. Roughly 3 years ago, he asked if he could bring the girlfriend to stay - I agreed. This was, well it was a disaster. Over the course of the week she stayed she drank all of the alcohol in my son's room and stole drink which I had in the house. She was sick all over the place, she was screaming, crying, in some awful states, she missed her flight home... I was so incredibly angry at her, and at my son for inflicting her on me. Vowed I'd never have her in my house again. She phoned after she finally reached her home to apologise, and tell me that she had a severe alcohol problem. (I had realised...) According to my DS, she is now 2 and a half years sober, and attends AA meetings regularly. He wants to bring her to stay at Christmas. And I just...I can't. She caused utter havoc, drove a wedge between me and my son. AIBU to say no, despite what I hear of her 'recovery'? Sad

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 15/09/2015 15:47

What wild said.

Everyone deserves a second chance. Not a third, but a second.

ShammyDavis · 15/09/2015 15:48

I can imagine the upset her behaviour must have caused.

If you allow her to visit it would show that you acknowledge/believe in her recovery and (providing she is genuine) that can only be a good thing for her, your son and your relationship with both of them.

But, I think if this visit is to go ahead you need more from your son, he did after all bring her into your lives (albeit he was just a child himself) and he is asking you to accept her in again.

He needs to show some sort of understanding of what her behaviour did to you, and you need some sort of assurance from him that should any difficulty arise then he takes responsibility for handling it.

Spartans · 15/09/2015 15:48

manatee I know exactly what dealing with an alcoholic is like and I still stand by what I said.

i have just had to watch my grandfather be sectioned after we found him wandering around the road....again drunk. This has been going on since my mother was a baby and dominates our lives. So I do get it. I still thinks it's an illness. I also do think alcoholics have a level ownership to. Especially when it comes to choosing to recover. Which this girl has. She has been sober for 2.5 years, she has taken ownership.

And contessa most men are no abusive so it's not a big leap to assume the OPs son has stood by her because he is a good person.

Bolograph · 15/09/2015 15:49

So do you come from a very Presbyterian background that feels that frankly any alcohol consumption is too much?

Someone who thinks that is hardly likely to have bottles, plural, of expensive whisky in the cupboard, are they?

AnyFucker · 15/09/2015 15:50

I think you should listen to wannabe

I would let her come. Keep it short ?

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 15:51

Anotherusername1 Haha no, not everyone who lives here is a raging Wee Free.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/09/2015 15:58

I was going to say "your house, up to you whom you have to stay" but hmm, not sure now.

Your son has put up with his girlfriend through her alcoholism, and has stayed with her since she became sober, 2.5 years ago. She's been dry for 2.5 years. That's 5/6 of the time since you last saw her, or 83% if you prefer.

I realise that she was a shocking houseguest last time, and that she upset you and your family mightily - but she's put that sort of behaviour behind her, 2.5 years ago.

Now I would say that you should try and allow her to come and stay, maybe not at Christmas, because frankly I think it would be unfair on both of you - I don't believe in pandering to alcoholics, but neither do I think it's fair to shove alcohol in front of their noses! which is what would happen at Christmas, as you said you "like a drink at Christmas" (Fair enough!)

So no to Christmas, but perhaps sometime over the holidays that doesn't include the actual celebration days (so not Hogmanay either, obvs).

But please consider this - your son has stuck with her through thick and thin, despite the couple of splits and her apparently horrible behaviour to him - there's a good chance she's going to be around for a long time to come, so perhaps an olive branch now would be a good idea, maybe to replace the bad memories you have of her with better ones.

spanisharmada · 15/09/2015 16:00

You sound very unforgiving, I can't see how that will not drive a wedge between yourself and your son.
It also sounds as if part of not wanting her (and your son?) at Xmas is that you don't want your own festive drinking curtailed, which doesn't sound healthy.
2.5yrs sober is a big deal for an alcoholic, maybe you can't see that because, for whatever reason, you just don't want to.

WickedWax · 15/09/2015 16:03

I think your son is unreasonable to land this on you.

Coming to meet you again, have a coffee and a chat, next time an overnight stay, then if you're comfortable with it, a weekend or a few days - fine.

Proposing a stay, over Christmas - it'd be a flat out no from me.

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 15/09/2015 16:05

At the end of the day who you want at your house, want to spend Xmas with and who and when to forgive someone is all entirely your choice.

BUT

Do not think these actions don't have consequences, because I would be thinking along the lines of:

Can't forgive me to have me over at Xmas then

  • You cant forgive me to come to mine and your sons wedding
  • You can't forgive me to be a part of my child.

So think carefully!

TenForward82 · 15/09/2015 16:06

Has your son previously suggested you meet / see the girlfriend (at times other than Christmas) and you've said no? That would be a hell of a drip-feed.

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 15/09/2015 16:07

Future children's lives that should say*

SilverBirchWithout · 15/09/2015 16:07

OP do you find the thought of her non-drinking at Xmas to be an issue for your family? Is this part of the issue for you? Does alchohol play a big part in your own celebrations?

If so Xmas does seem a bad idea for all concerned. The other problem, I suspect, in a small community would be that it could seem odd if they stayed in a B&B.

shovetheholly · 15/09/2015 16:08

Do you want to have a relationship with your son in future? If you do, then accepting his choice here, and building a relationship with her, is important.

I do understand that her behaviour as a house guest last time was awful, but she was very young and clearly in the grip of alcohol. It is also - if you look at it a certain way - a little bit amusing in its indignity. I would rustle up your sense of humour and cock a bit of an eyebrow at it if I were you. The great thing about time is that it can turn events that were pretty traumatic at the time into memories that can set a room laughing when recounted. I am sure she feels suitably ashamed and she's shown every sign of trying to get herself straight, which is not easy when young.

I think if you are able to forgive a bit of youthful indiscretion and to think that she's now a 'different person' - almost to start afresh and put everything that happened firmly behind you - this may be a great opportunity to rebuild the relationship with both her and your son. And that could be well worth doing over the longer term. I also think it might be healing for you to let go of some of the anger and feel the righteous glow of acceptance. Grin

We all make mistakes when we are young, and to suffer for such a relatively minor one for decades seems a bit unfair.

SenecaFalls · 15/09/2015 16:09

I still don't get all this angst over Christmas. Presumably she has stayed sober over other Christmases.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 16:11

This is the first staying over suggestion. In the past I have made it clear to him that I didn't want to see her, that I was still very hurt, angry and not ready. Maybe because I haven't mentioned that recently he thinks it's time, or maybe 2 and half years is some sort of milestone - I don't know.

He is my only child, for more background, and I don't see him very often as it is.

Sorry for out of sync thoughts being written down, I'm in that sort of frame of mind.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 15/09/2015 16:12

There was a similar thread a while back,involving hoovering. I said then and wonder now how people would react if the badly behaved partner was male and the patient loving helpmeet was female.

She stole, lied, and trashed your home. If a young man had done that I doubt so many people would encourage you to see it as illness and to trust your daughters judgement in sticking by him.

Janeymoo50 · 15/09/2015 16:14

She was a lot younger then (in relative terms) and has clearly accepted she had a problem and is dealing with it, so credit to her (and probably your son too for his support of her). She may in time be the mother of your grandchildren too. I'd be tempted to give her a chance, but a trial weekend or overnight visit before the main event might soothe some of your (understandable) fears.

shovetheholly · 15/09/2015 16:14

I think the distance is an issue. If you lived closer by, you could just pop around and gradually learn to trust one another. But the fact that a journey/flight is needed makes this a bigger deal. That is unfortunate, but can't be helped.

Is there any way you could go and visit them for a day, and stay in a B&B for a while near their uni accommodation to meet and see her? It might make you feel more comfortable with the logical 'next step' of a hosted visit. It also shows willing on your part, which is important I think.

SilverBirchWithout · 15/09/2015 16:15

Seneca I think the issue at Xmas is the OP's own relationship with alcohol and its role at celebrations. That's why she has such angst about the disappearance of her finest whiskeys.

Ragwort · 15/09/2015 16:16

I think it sounds slightly manipulative of your son to suggest this, why hasn't he suggested any other meeting before now? And does the girlfriend really want to visit you at Christmas?

I would be very, very wary - and don't let yourself be guilt tripped into 'allowing' the visit.

motheroftwoboys · 15/09/2015 16:17

Morris - sorry but I would! Alcoholism is a vicious illness which doesn't care if you are young or old; man or woman; rich or poor. Getting through it and staying in recovery shows tremendous character.

GoooRooo · 15/09/2015 16:19

Despite your reservations (and to be honest, I would have reservations too) I would let them come.

This is her and your son's opportunity to show that they can treat you and your home with respect. More fool them if they mess it up this time.

You might want to make it clear in advance that you are willing to move on on the understanding that behaviour is much improved this time but should there be any repeat of the previous behaviour you will not allow it again. Or, you could just hope that they are now grown up enough to realise that without it being spelt out to them.

FWIW I think it's quite brave of her to want to visit knowing that she upset you so much last time and I suspect will be incredibly nervous about it.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 16:19

SilverBirchWithout Oh please - I can be upset about the disappearance of good whisky, gifted to me by dear friends, without having alcohol issues myself!

Anyway, I think I'm getting sidetracked and possibly sounding hysterical.

OP posts:
shutupanddance · 15/09/2015 16:20

Do you want to loose your son, if so don't have her to stay.