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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have my DS's girlfriend to stay

295 replies

AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 13:49

I have name changed for this thread, because this might be identifying. It's an issue which is weighing on me currently, and I haven't discussed it properly in real life yet. AIBU may be the wrong place, sorry. Trying to keep it brief:

My DS is now 21 (at University a few hours away), and his girlfriend of several years the same age. Roughly 3 years ago, he asked if he could bring the girlfriend to stay - I agreed. This was, well it was a disaster. Over the course of the week she stayed she drank all of the alcohol in my son's room and stole drink which I had in the house. She was sick all over the place, she was screaming, crying, in some awful states, she missed her flight home... I was so incredibly angry at her, and at my son for inflicting her on me. Vowed I'd never have her in my house again. She phoned after she finally reached her home to apologise, and tell me that she had a severe alcohol problem. (I had realised...) According to my DS, she is now 2 and a half years sober, and attends AA meetings regularly. He wants to bring her to stay at Christmas. And I just...I can't. She caused utter havoc, drove a wedge between me and my son. AIBU to say no, despite what I hear of her 'recovery'? Sad

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 15/09/2015 17:03

Ah, I see. This event must have preying on your mind since then, I imagine; that might have preserved the initial feelings of shock and fear a bit more than would otherwise be the case. Also, since it would have been just the 3 of you I guess you're not keen to recreate the same circumstances. Is there a friend you can invite to join you all, in an attempt to change the dynamic a bit?

Summerisle1 · 15/09/2015 17:04

I don't think you can be obdurate about not letting this young woman stay for Christmas and then, somewhat pathetically, drop in comments like 'Which means Christmas on my own, I suppose'. Every action has consequences so yes, I'd definitely order a very small turkey if you refuse, point-blank to accept that over the last 3 years, your ds's gf has made huge attempts to change and can now visit your home again. But actually, Christmas is just the beginning of what could easily become total alienation from your ds if you persist in looking backwards and not giving her any chances of redemption.

Of course you are not required to invite her. But what's the worst that can happen? If sober she's certainly not going to behave more badly than last time! It wouldn't be unreasonable to put conditions on your invitation either but don't make the event a grudging excuse for hospitality because I can't see how that'd encourage sobriety. Although in reality, if I were the gf, I'd turn your invitation down anyway since it is quite clear that you'll never forgive her.

ovenchips · 15/09/2015 17:05

Your son has made a life with his girlfriend. If you refuse the Xmas visit when IS going to be the right time to have them to stay? I don't think you want to stop them coming forever do you? Unless you can accept not being fully involved in your son's life, ever?

If you believe your son that she has been in recovery for two+ years then surely the risk of a repeat of the nightmare you had is small? I think you need to have them for Christmas and, only after that visit, decide if you want to welcome the girlfriend again. IMHO you actually need them to visit and for it to be successful to be able to put it behind you.

So until you do that, you're all stuck in same place as you were 3 years ago.

SenecaFalls · 15/09/2015 17:07

I think I would be inclined to say yes to Christmas (I say think because I have never had to deal with anything quite like this with my adult children), but I agree with others that a meeting on neutral territory as a first step toward reconciliation is probably best.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 15/09/2015 17:07

Lacontessa, I don't know know if theres a trick as such but certainly if someone offers me a heartfelt apology, and proved a commitment to change over two and a half years, and they were an important person to my child, then I would be inclined to try again with them. I don't think anyone's imagining that they could become besties immediately, but it's not impossible that over time a genuine bond could grow.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/09/2015 17:11

"I think I may have to sort out time off to go and see my son on the mainland, at the same time as the girlfriend is up. I just don't think I can do the staying over for Christmas thing, the thought of it is just incredibly stressful. Which means Christmas on my own I suppose."
Going to see them sounds like an excellent start to me. You can meet her again, get to know the person she is now. On neutral territory. You may find that meeting her again puts some of your fears to rest.

Don't feel you have to give in over Christmas though. You need to feel in control of your own environment, safe in your own home. (That can be hard for anyone who hasn't felt unsafe at home to understand.) Reiterate that her coming to stay isn't ruled out, just that you can't get there except in stages.

A bit of a tangent, but do you feel your son's dominant/demanding behaviour might be rooted in a reaction to your divorce? That old cliche of feeling he had to be 'the man of the house'?

SenecaFalls · 15/09/2015 17:12

But what's the worst that can happen?

The last time I spent time on an island in the Hebrides, a storm blew in and the ferry couldn't run for several days. I can think of several scenarios where this might be relevant and is one of the reasons that I am somewhat sympathetic to the OP.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 15/09/2015 17:15

Op I think your suggestion of meeting them for lunch is a good one. There's absolutely no reason at all to think your DS will respond to that invitation by storming off into the sunset as some PP seem to be suggesting Hmm

Also if the lunch goes well, you can always revisit your decision about Christmas.

I think it's natural to worry about our DCs' partners even if we don't endure such a horrendous situation as you did. And the fact that your DS' gf is now sober doesn't mean you will like her or even approve of their relationship, not because she is in recovery but just because you might still consider their relationship dynamic to be an unhealthy one. However, you will only be able to judge that by spending time with them.

MumEntous · 15/09/2015 17:15

It's really crap that the OP went through this, and I do understand her apprehension, but I think everyone deserves a second chance. You can do a lot of maturing in 3 years.

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/09/2015 17:16

it's not impossible that over time a genuine bond could grow

See, I do agree with that whatthe. However in the past I've had people getting the proper hump with me because I wasn't as affectionate as they thought I should be at that particular stage of the forgiveness process Hmm I thought it was just me being part robot but maybe others had unreasonable expectations of our relationship too.

TheExMotherInLaw · 15/09/2015 17:16

So, an alcoholic has gone totally dry for two and a half years, yet you wouldn't consider a dry Christmas.
Bite the bullet, or he may well choose between you and her.

NobodyLivesHere · 15/09/2015 17:16

I just think you sound like you want to keep on punishing her for actions she has apologised for and moved on from. i think that says more about you than it does about her.

Muckogy · 15/09/2015 17:17

YANBU.
she has to earn your trust.

BUT!
i would give her one more chance.
and make it very clear to her that if she steps out of line, then she's out.
should she blow it, then you have every right to sling her out on her fanny.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 15/09/2015 17:17

Is this your first Xmas since your divorce? Not trying to be nosy, just wondering whether you are trying to cling onto one bit of 'normality'.

What has happened the last two Christmasses? Has your DS come and you just haven't talked about what happened when she was there the previous year? You seem really overly scarred by the experience, more than seems typical for a short exposure to a drunk in full flow, even if she did drink your booze and soil your house.

Your DS, the one who was actually 'damages' by her actions, seems to have been able to forgive and help with her recovery. I wonder why you find it so much harder - what was it about your short interaction that left you so turned against her. Did something else happen that week, elsewhere in your family relationships, health, jobs etc that you have blamed her for?

ShiningWhite · 15/09/2015 17:17

I do think YABU not to recognise addiction as an illness - an illness that affects a person's behaviour and capacity for rational choices, which is why barbarianmum's argument about choices doesn't stand up. I think YABVU to hold behaviour three years ago, whilst in the grip of a destructive illness, against someone who has clearly worked very hard to overcome the illness. Now you have the opportunity to meet the person you didn't meet before because her personality was obliterated by illness. Your ds obviously thinks she is worth meeting.

Ragwort, what about parents respecting their adult children's choices? Nobody's saying parents should be forced to compromise their views, just that if they are this rigid it won't be surprising if their adult children don't want to come and visit. If my dh wasn't welcome at my parents', I wouldn't go either, would you?

HemanOrSheRa · 15/09/2015 17:21

I really think you should try and meet up with your DS and his GF before you make a decision about Christmas. Even if it a very short meeting. It maybe that her last visit to you, and her behaviour, was a pivotal moment for her in saying enough is enough, I have a problem and I need help and support.

You need to find out how she is and where she is in her recovery for yourself. From what you have said here it sounds like your DS and GF have moved on and as ovenchips says, it'll be you stuck in the same place as you were 3 years ago.

SilverBirchWithout · 15/09/2015 17:23

I do think you may need to talk this through with someone in real life who knows you well. It does sound as if the visit 3 years ago is unresolved for you. I don't think at the moment your are able to forgive and move on. Your lack of willingness to understand that alcoholism is an "illness" or that people change worries me.

Your DS obviously wants to maintain a relationship with you (I assume the previous 2 Xmases he came on his own?) and feels its time to move past the wedge that has come between you. He sounds like he has had a lot to deal with, parent's divorce, building a life on the mainland, traumatic relationship and trying to build bridges between the 2 important women in his life.

Forgiveness happens when rather than focussing on your own hurt, you imagine and empathise with the other person's position and what led them to behave they way they did.

Andylion · 15/09/2015 17:24

OP, you have said that you will try to arrange to meet them on the mainland. Excellent idea.
Several posters have suggested that she or they stay in a B&B as a compromise, but I don't think you have addressed this yet. If the mainland meeting goes well, would the B&B be an option.

motherinferior · 15/09/2015 17:26

It's up to you whether you want her in your house.

It's up to your son, if you give him this ultimatum, to make his own choice.

I think you could do a lot worse than book yourself an interesting and enjoyable Christmas somewhere else on your own.

SuburbanRhonda · 15/09/2015 17:33

If not now, when?

^^ This.

OP, have you worked out what it is that she has to do in order for you to ever accept her? Because from what you say, it sounds as if nothing she does or has done since can ever atone for what she did, in which case I don't think you should invite her and I think you need to open your mind to the probable consequences of that.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 17:37

Past two Christmases: one my DS was with his father, one both DS and I spent abroad with my family.
I think I have always just expected their relationship to come to an end to be perfectly honest. I wanted it to. At this stage, I think marriage would be very unhealthy for them, and am pretty troubled by someone's earlier suggestion that DS could be about to propose. I know he's serious about the idea of marriage in general though, and probably was damaged by the divorce.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 17:38

I'm bad for bottling things up. And I realise saying that I wanted their relationship to end sounds awful Sad

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 15/09/2015 17:40

You've hinted that it isn't just the alcoholic interlude three years ago that put you off her.

What else is it?

MorrisZapp · 15/09/2015 17:41

It's not remotely awful to hope other people's relationships end, if you don't think they are good for the people in them.

SilverBirchWithout · 15/09/2015 17:46

The trouble is you haven't met her since she became sober, in your mind the memory of her is from that awful visit 3 years ago. I suspect because you don't see alcoholism as a "thing" you are finding it hard to grasp that the young woman who has grown with your son is anything but someone who is an unbalanced and scary individual from 3 years back.

He may well move on to someone else one day (or not) but at the moment she is part of his life, to love your son, is to respect his choices even if in your heart you wish they were different.