To not have my DS's girlfriend to stay

[AnotherNameTrala]

I have name changed for this thread, because this might be identifying. It's an issue which is weighing on me currently, and I haven't discussed it properly in real life yet. AIBU may be the wrong place, sorry. Trying to keep it brief:

My DS is now 21 (at University a few hours away), and his girlfriend of several years the same age. Roughly 3 years ago, he asked if he could bring the girlfriend to stay - I agreed. This was, well it was a disaster. Over the course of the week she stayed she drank all of the alcohol in my son's room and stole drink which I had in the house. She was sick all over the place, she was screaming, crying, in some awful states, she missed her flight home... I was so incredibly angry at her, and at my son for inflicting her on me. Vowed I'd never have her in my house again. She phoned after she finally reached her home to apologise, and tell me that she had a severe alcohol problem. (I had realised...) According to my DS, she is now 2 and a half years sober, and attends AA meetings regularly. He wants to bring her to stay at Christmas. And I just...I can't. She caused utter havoc, drove a wedge between me and my son. AIBU to say no, despite what I hear of her 'recovery'?

Why isn't she going to her own family for Christmas?
I actually don't think Yabu. A visit to stay over after such appalling behaviour is such a big leap. Has she been truly apologetic to you, for her behavior and stealing?

manatee has good advice, discuss with your son if he is in agreement that at the very first sign of a repeat will he be ok with you asking her to leave?
Also it's Christmas and you would like to drink in your own home, make it clear that you won't be making changes to tip toe around her. If he is the one pushing it more than her, then if there is a problem what's going to happen?

Think about it from your sons point of view - the two people he cares about the most, and you wont have anything to do with her. What happens when they get married - will you be there? What about children? The best way to have a relationship with your grandkids is to have a good one with your children.

I second (third, forth) flying down before to clear the air. You cant be that busy to not put your sons happiness first?

In the long run, whats the worst thing that happens? You lose a couple of bottles of single malt or your son?

If not now, when?

The more I read of your responses, the more I wonder whether it would be unfair of your DS to inflict this visit on his GF. The last thing she needs is to spend any extended length of time with a person who is unable to put the past in the past, make any effort in understanding alcoholism and is so judgemental about others mistakes.

She needs to be around positive people who treat her with the respect she deserves at changing her life around.

I suspect you expected different responses on this thread, and are only focussing on your own hurts here. FFS this is your own DS's wishes you are trampling over.

Did you write back and ask for repayment for the whiskey and money taken. I think that would have been fine to do and should have been part of her making amends according to the programme.

I'm concerned she didn't offer and hasn't taken full responsibility. It's not about prostrating yourself, it's about an honest inventory and then making amends for it.

She's someone your son loves, I mean, he must properly deeply love her to stand by her through all of this. Unless you think your son is a terrible judge of character there must be a kind and loving side to her.

If you say no are you prepared to not see your son at Christmas? If you make him choose he may choose her and you need to be ok with that.

""Whether the OP wants to forgive this girl or not is up to her. She shouldn't be guilted into it by people who want to show off their compassion but weren't there, don't know how bad it was and whose house it isn't." of course it's up to her. But she has posted here wanting opinions, and while it is of course up to her, her inability to forgive could well resort in the loss of a relationship with her son if he chooses to build a future with this girl.

At the end of the day, the ops inability to forgive will potentially only hurt the op. The son might well walk away from his mother without a backward glance, in the belief that given he has been the one who has gone through three years of this girl's behaviour, admission of a problem and subsequent recovery, he has in fact taken far more of the brunt of what has gone on, has come through it with her, and is in the best position to know whether she is a good person after all of it.

I agree that alcoholism initially starts with choices, and that alcoholics are still responsible for their behaviour and actions. However the choices someone makes when they are eighteen are vastly different from the choices that are made when you are e.g. 30.

An eighteen year old alcoholic is IMO far more vulnerable than one who is e.g. 35, because they have so much less experience, maturity, and have grown up in a generation of peer pressure and expectation.

You only have to look at the threads recently about being teetotal, and the way society frowns on that, down to the fact that there are people on mn who say they wouldn't date someone who didn't drink, to realise that societal expectation is on people to drink rather than not to. I'd imagine there are in fact far more people out there with drink problems than are prepared to admit to it, the fact she has says a lot about her.

I really think you need to move on and to welcome her to your home. She is your son's girlfriend - possibly his life partner - and he has supported her through her recovery so you should do the same. If she is in recovery then other people drinking will not bother her in the slightest. It is part of recovery. She is still and always will be an alcoholic but she is a recovering alcoholic and well done to her.

I would say NO to Xmas. That is a time of year with great expectations and pressure.

I would say why don't they both come over for a weekend next week?? or next month?? or both if things go well.

Xmas and New Year are boozy times so better avoided.

You need to see how well you all get on together now. Plan some nice days out, aim for a relaxed time, see how it goes.

It's a shame that DS didn't 'play the field' a bit while he had the chance but he didn't so you are at where your at.

Try to be positive and give things a go.

It must have been harrowing. I would hate to think of one of my children having to deal with a partner like that at the age of only 18. How stressful and onerous for him, and worrying for you.

However, he's older now and she has changed.

They must have a very robust and loving relationship, to have weathered her alcoholism.

Beware of alienating him. If he feels forced to choose, you probably won't be the lucky one.

Forget about the whisky and the money. Easy for me to say, I know, but this is definitely minor stuff in the grand scheme.

"He wants to bring her to stay at Christmas."
"it's a case of my DS just saying what he wants, rather than sitting me down and asking me. "

This to me is the nub of your problem. Last time she stayed - "my home, it was made to feel totally unsafe" - would it be fair to say that you felt you had no control at that point? And that by not being asked but instead feeling under pressure to agree, it feels a bit the same? So you need to feel in control of this situation if it is going to work.

I thin it would be reasonable to point out to your son that under the circumstances you would like to get to know this 'new' girl; to attempt a rapprochement. But, there is history, and you think this is more likely to happen if it is not attempted under the pressure of her being a houseguest, (which can only drag unpleasant memories back into focus) and that Christmas is also a pressured time regardless.

Suggest that she visits but stays in a B&B so that you and she have private spaces to retreat to. Point out that his girlfriend might feel the pressure of this visit too. And ask what he is going to do to smooth this visit. Are the two of them just going to plonk themselves on the sofa and expect to be waited on hand and foot hosted by you, or is he going to be active in minimising the impact by shouldering some of the housework, offering and making cups of tea, clearing up after themselves etc. The fact that you don't feel he has asked you if she can come but just stated that he wants it, that's important. He's 21, time to put his big boy pants on and consider everyone in this situation, not just him and her.

I get that it was absolutely horrendous three years ago, I really do. But she is now sober and will be a very different person compared to then. Hell, I was a very different person between 18 and 21, even though at both ages I was very boring .

Consider also that despite putting your son through the wringer, he is still with her. She may well become a permanent fixture in his life, so it may be better to meet her afresh now, in a controlled fashion, rather than refuse and find your son drifting away.

Best wishes.

OP I hope you're not being put off by some of the reproaches on here - never mind them. No one in their right mind would have enjoyed a strange teenage alcoholic running riot in their house.

But she's not a drunk any more. Getting sober would have been bloody hard. She should be fine to have to stay. Is this reluctance a bit to do with your disappointment for DS that he has picked a not-perfect GF? Look, she might be lovely. And if she's not, given they're clearly a unit, he'll need family around to support him.

I say have her for a bit but don't feel obliged to invite her for the whole of Xmas, New year etc. 48 hours perfect.

I'm not drip feeding! I do think it's fairly out of order for a poster to suggest that it's 'not stealing' if someone drinks literally all the alcohol in your house, just because they're a guest!!

The issue is that I live out here in the back of beyond, so it's pretty hard to arrange short breaks. I do think Christmas is a pretty rotten time to suggest all this as well. Someone suggested Easter - that may be more manageable, although I'm not sure how DS will take that. Much as I love him, he can be fairly dominant/demanding.

I think I ought to talk to her again, all this second hand information can get confusing.

crikey she did these things THREE YEARS AGO when she was an alcoholic, she's now and always will be a recovering alcoholic. Honestly it sounds like you can't get past this and very held up on the past.

If you love your son and want him in your life then you need to be at least on speaking terms with his gf. Hes been through lots with her, she may have treated him very badly but he has made his choice. If you want any relationship with him you need to move on. He will choose her over you.

I don't understand all the comments about Christmas being stressful. Surely that depends on the OP's family's way of having Christmas. Christmas is not stressful in my house because we have always kept it low key.

OP, the only thing I would add is that is seems that your son is a remarkable young man to have stood by this young woman through her ordeals. My guess is that he has maturity, understanding, and compassion and that he did not acquire these in a vacuum, but that his upbringing must have had a lot to do with it.

have you thought he may be getting ready to propose and wants you both to meet again before this happens - could explain why he's pushing

WhereYouLeftIt Thank you for summing up how I feel a bit more eloquently. Actually feel slightly weepy, but thank you! Yes - it's about control. I was actually scared of her when she was here - ridiculous perhaps, but she was pretty much running amok. I actually thought that I might have to ring her parents and say that she had killed herself. (More drip feeding, I suppose.)

She's someone your son loves, I mean, he must properly deeply love her to stand by her through all of this. Unless you think your son is a terrible judge of character there must be a kind and loving side to her.

Just to play devil's advocate for a second - there are loads of lovely women over on the Relationships boards saying 'But he can be so lovely sometimes' about the complete and utter twats whom they've just got used to following around and taking care of. The fact that she happens to have the continued support of the op's son doesn't make the young woman necessarily a better person.

Anyway. OP, I'd feel very similar to you I think - I find it very very hard to behave as if nothing has happened when I have been given a reason not to trust someone. However, I'd probably put on my best pretending face and let her visit. I'd emphasise to my son that I was slightly uneasy but trying my best to be friendly though, as that would warn him and his girlfriend that I wasn't quite at the 'Aren't we lovely friends' stage just yet. A little formality might not be a terrible thing in this situation - if she can't respect that small caveat of yours then she WBU.

I think yabu , and also tbh staying away would be better for her on going recovery.Being around some body so resentful would be hard for anybody. She made a huge mistake due to Illness and is now recovered well and deserves a chance to make amends.
I understand why you have reservations but for your son you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

Manatee I do think alcoholism is an illness but we can agree to disagree there. I think the situation with your dad is different from this - he was an adult responsible for a child. IMO, that's quite different to an 18 year old girl being an alcoholic. She was barely an adult and the majority of 18 year old girls like a drink but they are not alcoholics. There must have been something going on making her very unhappy to cause her to drink so much.

That said, I think asking her to stay at Christmas is too much when you haven't seen her for such a long time. I'm sure your son is trustworthy but I can understand OP why you're reluctant to have her in your home. I think she deserves a second chance but not over Christmas - she's likely to feel your resentment of her, you won't be able to relax (whilst drinking or at all) and the whole scenario sounds incredibly awkward. I think you need to remember though as awful as her behaviour was she was very young when this happened. Not that I'm using her age as an excuse but I find the thought of an 18 year old being an alcoholic very sad and even sadder that she's written off for life because of it. People can change and if she is sober it will have taken a hell of a lot of work from her.

It's unfortunate that they're so far away from you but I think Easter would be a better idea and have them stay in a B&B. If your DS is desperate for her to stay then he needs to come up with a way to prove to you that she's changed and that she's willing to make amends. As they've been together such a long time I think both of you should make the effort to get to know each other but Christmas isn't the right time.

I agree with one pp proposing a B&B for Christmas rather than staying at your house.

A test be cure have would have been the best but could you do it the other way around, ie you going to meet up with them where they live for a couple of days? That will give you a way to be more at peace with her coming as well as seeing how much she has changed.
I would also be clear on some ground rules (eg no one is getting g drunk).

Basically OP, you won't be happy unless your son breaks up with her, will you?

From what you've said, she's been sober for 2.5 years, and in that time hasn't done anything to hurt your son or anybody else. She has tried to make amends for the things she did whilst under the influence of alcohol (which will never be good enough).

She was so young - accepting that she had an alcohol problem that was more than excessive Freshers Week drinking gone overboard and doing something about it, and then sticking with it for 2.5 years says a great deal about her character. She has been tested more than most 21/22 year olds.

Don't lose your son over this, really OP. He has obviously already made a choice that she is worth sticking with.

I would invite her to stay for a weekend sometime before Xmas, before you make your mind up.

Its very possible that she has made a successful recovery, in which case, great. At the same time though, you are right to be wary, and you are entitled to enjoy a drink over Xmas in your home without feeling like you are tip toeing around her.

Its your decision at the end of the day, and no one could blame you either way.

But genuinely, if you say to him that he can either have christmas at home or Christmas with his girlfriend but he can't have both, will you be ok if he chooses to spend Christmas with her?

Did you say that you live in the Outer Hebrides? So do you come from a very Presbyterian background that feels that frankly any alcohol consumption is too much? Does this explain why you feel that alcoholism isn't an illness?

If her issues were "merely" mental illness and nothing to do with alcohol would you feel differently? Something tells me you would. Alcoholism really is an illness, it's not just lacking willpower or being a bad person. Really. If she had had a physical illness you would accept that. It is awful that people won't accept mental illness.

I would suggest that you meet her somewhere on neutral ground before she visits you at home. Once you have met her you can consider if you can deal with her being in your home.