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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have my DS's girlfriend to stay

295 replies

AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 13:49

I have name changed for this thread, because this might be identifying. It's an issue which is weighing on me currently, and I haven't discussed it properly in real life yet. AIBU may be the wrong place, sorry. Trying to keep it brief:

My DS is now 21 (at University a few hours away), and his girlfriend of several years the same age. Roughly 3 years ago, he asked if he could bring the girlfriend to stay - I agreed. This was, well it was a disaster. Over the course of the week she stayed she drank all of the alcohol in my son's room and stole drink which I had in the house. She was sick all over the place, she was screaming, crying, in some awful states, she missed her flight home... I was so incredibly angry at her, and at my son for inflicting her on me. Vowed I'd never have her in my house again. She phoned after she finally reached her home to apologise, and tell me that she had a severe alcohol problem. (I had realised...) According to my DS, she is now 2 and a half years sober, and attends AA meetings regularly. He wants to bring her to stay at Christmas. And I just...I can't. She caused utter havoc, drove a wedge between me and my son. AIBU to say no, despite what I hear of her 'recovery'? Sad

OP posts:
nicoleshitzinger · 15/09/2015 16:20

This young woman was an 18 year old with an illness - a severe addiction - which she has worked hard to overcome.

Your son loves her.

I think you are very unforgiving. You weren't assaulted. You had an uncomfortable experience. Big deal. Move on. Show some compassion and forgiveness.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/09/2015 16:21

"Someone suggested Easter - that may be more manageable, although I'm not sure how DS will take that. Much as I love him, he can be fairly dominant/demanding."
Easter does sound better. As for him being dominant/demanding - well, that's a problem in itself, regardless of his girlfriend, isn't it? And presumably behind him not asking. And therefore you not feeling in control of the situation/your home.

Are there any B&Bs they can use anyway, if you live in the back of beyond?

Maybe it would be best to say no to Christmas, it's too big an ask (not that he's asking Hmm ...) but you would wish to start again with her. Does the distances/travelling to your home completely rule out them coming to visit on a weekend before Christmas? Or could you visit them before Christmas? (Shopping trip to the mainland perhaps?) Otherwise I would hold firm for Easter, and if he tries pushing you, point out that that is what he is doing and you don't like it. You will meet her again, but in a way that you can handle and in a way that makes you feel safe. Point out that you cannot build a good relationship with his girlfriend with your arm up your back, and if he wants a rapprochement, he needs to accept that it needs to take place in stages and not one fell swoop.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 16:21

I understand that at the moment she is living with her parents, which is another hour or so away from my son - so even further from me. I think things would feel less dramatic and difficult if we weren't so spread out. Possibly not though.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/09/2015 16:22

Seneca - the girl in question may well have chosen to steer clear of any alcoholic celebrations over previous Christmases, we don't know. She might have been places where alcohol has been consumed, again we don't know.

All I'm saying is that it's a wee bit off to have a recovering alcoholic to stay while the family are downing finest single malt whisky (or whatever) in front of her, that's all - so for the first re-meeting of the family, it would be better to do it when alcohol isn't an expected part of the event.

nicoleshitzinger · 15/09/2015 16:22

Three years on still holding a grudge about a bottle of booze?

I really hope for this poor young woman's sake that she doesn't end up as your dil.

Inertia · 15/09/2015 16:22

Could you all arrange to meet halfway and stay in a hotel somewhere for Christmas, so you have your own space to retreat to and it feels like nuetral territory?

SilverBirchWithout · 15/09/2015 16:27

Sorry, I guess it was a bit of a snide comment.

But please don't lose your DS over this. Move on and forgive. He may or may not stay with this GF, but he will not forget his DM's inability to respect his judgement and wishes. I would never risk my relationship with my own DS in this way or expect him to ask permission to visit his home.

This is terribly sad.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 16:28

Oh Lord, I do realise that I seem to be putting a lot of emphasis on 'the finest malt'. It wouldn't have mattered if it was Tesco's own or whatever, it was the stealing - and the result. As I said, I almost felt responsibility, and that I would have to let her parents know that she'd choked on her own vomit or something, or that she'd actually hurt me or my son - I was amazed at how strong she was when she was drunk, stuff getting chucked about etc. Anyway. I really didn't mean to dwell on all that so much, it's just that I haven't talked about it much in real life.

I think neutral territory is the key. But it is my son's home too.

OP posts:
Scoobydoo8 · 15/09/2015 16:29

Easter is near the time for finals and exams at uni isn't it?

I would def want to meet up with them sooner rather than later. Perhaps you go there and just go out with a meal with them or something.

Are there friends in the vicinity so you can combine seeing DS and GF with some other socializing. Make it more of a casual thing.

Ime it's pretty rare for an 18 year old to be a raging alcoholic. It would make me wonder about her childhood/ teenage years to end up with such a problem. Not the ideal future DIL but she has probably matured and changed and it's worth you finding out if that's the case.

PrimalLass · 15/09/2015 16:29

Isn't Christmas about love and understanding?

Spartans · 15/09/2015 16:29

This is a long term relationship. How will you feel if this carries on and he doesn't invite you to the wedding etc all because you can't move on.

How will you feel if you never spend another christmas with him. This is bigger than whether you want to forgive her.

SenecaFalls · 15/09/2015 16:31

I understand what you are saying Thumb but I have assumed that the OP's DS would know about any of these issues and not have asked to come at Christmas if other people drinking in front of her were a concern.

I have two close relatives who are recovering alcoholics. They come to family gatherings and other parties where people are drinking. I know every situation is different, but part of their recovery was learning how to handle other people drinking in their presence.

TheVeryThing · 15/09/2015 16:35

Sorry if I've missed it, but does he mean for Christmas Day, Boxing Day, etc, or just for a couple of days at some point during the Christmas period?

Is it at all possible to visit your son for a weekend and meet them both for a meal?

shovetheholly · 15/09/2015 16:36

I am a whisky nut, so I understand the pain of losing the finest malt! Grin It is a BIG DEAL!! Grin However, while I don't have children myself, I cannot imagine that even the pain of watching someone drunkenly slug back my best Ardbeg could match the pain of distance from an only child!

I think 21 is an odd age. It's about the time when your son will go from being a student to being an adult - and your relationship with him may be increasingly a relationship with him and someone else in his life. I can see how that would be hard to accept, but it is nonetheless the next stage in his growing up, if you see what I mean? Time perhaps to think of the possibilities of the future. In five to ten years, there could be grandkids! And if this woman is the mother, then your hard work in extending the olive branch may well be richly rewarded. And if another woman is the mother, then your son will, I am sure, be appreciative of your support of his choices and your forgiveness and tolerance.

Chattymummyhere · 15/09/2015 16:36

I wouldn't want her in my home but be warned you could lose your son over this.

My now MIL refused to let me sleep over at their house in case we had sex, he moved out two weeks later, only went to see her when I pushed him to visit, her daughter did the exact same thing a few years later as she hadn't learnt that it was something both her children felt was important that their partners could spend the night. My SIL prefers to spend time with her bf's family and my DH will only go round if prompted or pretty much bribed.

BarbarianMum · 15/09/2015 16:40

As the sister of a long-term drug addict I struggle with the minimisation of addiction to "it's an illness" too. Yes, addiction is an illness but is one in which the addict is an active participant making and remaking choices that damage themselves and those around them time and time and time again.

Having said which, I think the OP would be well advised to try and build bridges with this woman. OP could you not go down and visit your son/his girlfriend for a weekend. Meeting her now might exorcise the bad memories you have of her, then you can decide about Christmas.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/09/2015 16:41

Absolutely Seneca - I just think it's not quite right for this occasion, given the background, extra stresses, OP's feelings etc. - I know you understand, and I understand exactly what you're saying too.

Ragwort · 15/09/2015 16:44

I am not sure why it is expected that parents have to compromise their views just to ensure that their (adult) child stays in touch - I would be disappointed if my DS was so disrespectful that he couldn't accept 'house rules' - whatever they might be. It's as if people are so 'frightened' of their own children that they don't feel they have the right to have expectations of how people behave in their own home. I always respected my parents' house rules - even if I thought they were old fashioned & I expect my DS to do the same. My life does not revolve around my DS - if he chooses not to come for Christmas, so be it.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 16:46

I think I may have to sort out time off to go and see my son on the mainland, at the same time as the girlfriend is up. I just don't think I can do the staying over for Christmas thing, the thought of it is just incredibly stressful. Which means Christmas on my own I suppose.

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 15/09/2015 16:47

Do you have a partner around to support you op? Sometimes we dwell on our feelings more when there's no-one about to be a sounding board, and it makes early feelings of fear and distrust take firmer root. I'd understand your feelings still being strong if you'd had no-one to talk it out with (I assume your son wasn't keen on that job).....

As a general enquiry to other posters: can you just let go of a justified feeling of distrust and act like it didn't happen, then? This is a genuine question as people have seemed to want this from me at various points in my life and have been upset that the best I've been able to do is smile falsely and be civil to them. Is there some trick to active forgiveness?

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/09/2015 16:48

Ah, x-posted.

Bolograph · 15/09/2015 16:51

I would be disappointed if my DS was so disrespectful that he couldn't accept 'house rules' - whatever they might be.

Nah. My in-laws went through a phase of kicking up a fuss about us sharing a room, when we were by that stage five years into sharing a house. We stopped going until they saw sense, because it was just silly and meant one of us sleeping in the living room.

Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 16:54

LaContessa Yes, bad divorce (although is there any other kind?) from DS's father - his unfaithfulness finally got too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 17:00

I really do sound unbearably tragic Confused

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 15/09/2015 17:01

I don't think YABU. You don't have to put your DS' request before your own desire to have a Christmas where you know you will feel safe and secure. Your DS may be a good partner to his GF but he was selfish to suggest bringing her for Christmas. You shouldn't feel pressured by him or by posters on here.

It's ok to say 'no' to him and to suggest a more appropriate time for a short visit, or perhaps you could all go for lunch on neutral territory.

I understand why it's harder for you to forgive and forget than it is for your DS. He has been able to witness the changes in his partner but you have nothing except your memories of the last visit.

I think you do need to meet her again. If only to comfort yourself that your DS is happy in this relationship, to see their dynamic when she isn't drunk and to enable you to support your DS in his choices. But you have no need to sacrifice your wishes to your DS' demands and you don't have to meet her. He can give your feelings the same consideration that he gives to his gf's.