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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re DS and rent

305 replies

Weathergames · 07/09/2015 20:37

DS nearly 18. Against my wishes he has left college and got a full time job - fine.

I have told him he will have to pay his way as I will lose maintenance from his dad and child benefit. We have agreed a third of his wages. Today I told him he will have to put his mobile in his own name and pay it and yesterday I bought him a load of toiletries and to him that's the last lot I am buying.

Today he has asked to discuss money. His dad had agreed 1/3 was reasonable and has never wanted him living with him in his new wife's home as they have students and have never made DS feel particularly welcome - he does not get in with DSM as there are 1000s of rules and she's v controlling.

DS is now saying his dad has told him if I am going to "over charge" him then his dad has said he can go and live there for £25 a week - if this is true AIBU to be fucking furious?

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 07/09/2015 20:40

Also had the cheek to quibble with me over how much it "costs" for him to live here (like he would know?) and said his dad doesn't give me that much - to which I replied that's irrelevant and none of his business - as hi dad also has to pay for a roof over his own head!!

OP posts:
Littlefish · 07/09/2015 20:40

If he doesn't get on with his dad's new wife, then he won't stay there for long, even if he does go!

Don't back down. 1/3 seems reasonable to me - how much does he earn, and how much different is there between 1/3 of his salary, and £25?.

You can choose whether to invest some of it for him, or whether to use it to make up the short-fall caused by the loss of maintenance and child benefit.

cashewnutty · 07/09/2015 20:40

Why be furious? Just let him go and stay with his dad.

Littlefish · 07/09/2015 20:41

difference, not different!

JeffsanArsehole · 07/09/2015 20:43

The easy answer is to be very calm and say 'it costs this much to stay here because I will treat you as an adult and it costs xhundreds to have the heating on and food'

And 'obviously you can go there and live under their rules for £25'

And then leave it with him. Don't let him argue with you just tell him your electricity and gas bill is 90 a month.

londonrach · 07/09/2015 20:44

Check with your ex that your ds is not lieing to you. F he wants to live with hs father let him go. He be back.

UnbelievableBollocks · 07/09/2015 20:47

You're not being unreasonable. If he's working full time, he pays his way. If he wants to go and live with his dad, let him as I doubt it would last for long.

It's always a shock to the system when you are suddenly treated like an adult because you're making adult decisions yourself.

LIZS · 07/09/2015 20:47

He's calling your bluff. Let him try it but tell him your door is open if he changes his mind.

UnbelievableBollocks · 07/09/2015 20:48

I doubt his dad wants him there, by the way. I don't reckon the £25 a week all in would last for long. He's saying it, expecting that you'll capitulate and ask for less for him to stay with you.

Penfold007 · 07/09/2015 20:50

Just let him stay at his Dad's.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 07/09/2015 20:52

call his bluff, I bet his dad has said no such thing and if he did well let's see how long that arrangement lasts!

DixieNormas · 07/09/2015 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 07/09/2015 20:58

Yep, let him go. Why are you angry about this? Confused

AyeAmarok · 07/09/2015 20:58

Yep call his bluff. Give him a hug and a wave.

currytoohot · 07/09/2015 20:59

Another one saying call his bluff. I had similar situation when I asked DD for 1/3. She complained bitterly and said she would move out. I got her the local paper to look for bedsits ... she got a shock at what they were asking and shut up! If he does not get on with his dads wife it will not last long.

Original poster
Weathergames · 07/09/2015 21:00

I feel like offering to help him pack!! Grin

Angry because ex agreed with me that 1/3 was fair and has possibly undermined my efforts to get DS to be an adult and pay his way - but not sure if DS is indeed trying to call my bluff - which would also make me pissed off.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/09/2015 21:00

I'd let him go too.

BoskyCat · 07/09/2015 21:00

Well his choices are

  • live with you on your terms
  • live with his dad for £25 a week (if he's not lying) and see how that goes
  • move out and see how living independently goes – I'm willing to bet he will not have 2/3 of his salary left after accommodation and bills, to pay for his phone, toiletries and other stuff he wants.

I'd tell him he can choose any of them and your offer still stands if he wants to come back.

Presuming your rent is cheaper than what he'd have to pay out in the real world, and you're not hard to live with, he'll learn!

Don't be furious, let him give it a go. It's a good age to learn about this stuff.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/09/2015 21:01

Your 18 year old son should not have to compensate you just because you have lost his maintenance.

I don't understand why you would want to take a third of his earnings? How does he cost you that?

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 07/09/2015 21:01

Why are you furious?

cuntycowfacemonkey · 07/09/2015 21:01

Have you actually asked your ex if he did in fact say all this?

TenQuidProQuo · 07/09/2015 21:02

I'd let him go.

I don't see what good would come of arguing about it.

I suggest you go along with it and start looking at some paint colours to decorate your newly available spare bedroom. Smile

Original poster
Weathergames · 07/09/2015 21:02

I LOVE the getting him to look at bedsits idea Grin

OP posts:
Osolea · 07/09/2015 21:03

His dad is free to offer him a room for £25 a week if he wants to, and your ds is free to take it if he wants to. It shouldn't change what you think is a fair and reasonable amount to charge, presumably you're only covering costs and not profiting from your child anyway.

I'm not sure I'd go with charging a third though, and I don't think there's anything wrong with your ds wanting to know how much he actually costs the household. It's sensible for him to know, how is he supposed to learn about the costs he's likely to face in the future if you won't give him any idea of how a household budget works?

BoskyCat · 07/09/2015 21:05

If you are an adult working full time, not studying, earning a wage, and living at home, it's reasonable to pay towards your upkeep – heating, household costs and food. It is a good thing for an almost 18yo to start to do that so that they learn that this stuff does cost, and work towards taking adult responsibilities.