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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re DS and rent

305 replies

Weathergames · 07/09/2015 20:37

DS nearly 18. Against my wishes he has left college and got a full time job - fine.

I have told him he will have to pay his way as I will lose maintenance from his dad and child benefit. We have agreed a third of his wages. Today I told him he will have to put his mobile in his own name and pay it and yesterday I bought him a load of toiletries and to him that's the last lot I am buying.

Today he has asked to discuss money. His dad had agreed 1/3 was reasonable and has never wanted him living with him in his new wife's home as they have students and have never made DS feel particularly welcome - he does not get in with DSM as there are 1000s of rules and she's v controlling.

DS is now saying his dad has told him if I am going to "over charge" him then his dad has said he can go and live there for £25 a week - if this is true AIBU to be fucking furious?

OP posts:
00100001 · 08/09/2015 13:49

craic it would matter if the OP was on £350k a year and had five porches and a pony. The son should still pay his own way in life. If he doens't like it, he needs to move out of home and be a man.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 08/09/2015 13:55

Wow! OP I'm really sorry that some PP's have decided that it's necessary to make a bunch of assumptions about your circumstances and try to pick over what they think your financial situation looks like. Especially without knowing the circumstances.

TBH I think the amount is a complete red herring anyway.

In answer to your questions:

YANBU for charging your adult son rent now that he has decided to work.

YANBU for being in a financial situation where subsidising him along with a drop in maintenance and benefits etc is not possible for you. Therefore YANBU in setting an amount which well ensure you can keep providing a room for him etc.

YANBU for being extremely pissed off with your EX for getting involved and stirring the pot rather than leaving it for you guys to sort between yourselves.

Your son is not necessarily being unreasonable for trying to have a further discussion with you about costs, he may well not have realised what it meant in reality. But equally YWNBU to draw a line and tell him that if he is not willing to live by your rules he can go elsewhere (not sure he would last too long at his Dad's by the sounds of it!!)

Oh, and I would also say YWNBU if you were charging him as a way of teaching him about money and being responsible.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/09/2015 13:55

You would hope your own family might make things slightly easier for you, just to help you out, but also I guess to compensate for the lack of privacy and having your own place

Please tell me you're joking - surely you can't really think it's up to a family to actually compensate an adult for something which doesn't quite suit in the home he actively chooses to live in??

FWIW I agree with you that parents do a lot for their family these days; after all, most of us genuinely want to help them on their way. There comes a point, though, where too much help can actually damage them, especially if they develop the mindset of just taking and taking without accepting much responsibility for themselves

Original poster
Weathergames · 08/09/2015 14:03

A studio flat in my area with all bills (but not food cooked for you) is £450 pcm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 08/09/2015 14:04

And yes the assumptions about my finances are amusing.

My partner supports his ex w and 2 children - and has high travel costs - so please don't assume anything - it is not his job to also support my son.

OP posts:
Allbymyselfagain · 08/09/2015 14:06

But he's not contracted 37 hours is he? He's contracted 10 so he could bring home £69.99 a week. Good luck finding a room share that will say oh well you didn't make a lot this week just give us £20! Sorry but he's got a great deal, OP promises to feed him and provide a roof, heat, water, council tax, TV license etc for possibly £80 pcm if he doesn't get the overtime. If he gets the overtime he pays more into the pot to cover the lean weeks.

Original poster
Weathergames · 08/09/2015 14:07

And from the photo it looks like a room in a shared house.

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 08/09/2015 14:13

My kids had to pay when they aren't in full time education too. Oldest paid up £200 a month from his meagre wages whether he had a good month of work or not. Now he's moved out and has a mortgage, and all the other bills that go with it. Younger one was paying £200 also, then came to his senses and realized he needs to get an education to earn more, so went back to college full time, still works part time. He doesn't pay us anything as we'll fund him till he's finished.
It not so much about the money, it's more about the responsibility of learning to budget, to pay bills before having fun. Not spending two weeks money on a PS4

Ragwort · 08/09/2015 14:15

I can't believe the number of you that say you wouldn't charge board to working adults just because they are your children? Hmm? What sort of life lesson are you teaching them? My 14 year old DS only does a paper round but he is learning that he has to contribute a small % to the cost of his school trip which costs approx £1k. No wonder there are so many entitled young people around.

And how many of us have 2/3rds of our salary left to spend how we want - I know I don't.

ElkeDagMeisje · 08/09/2015 14:17

puzzledandpissedoff Please tell me you're joking - surely you can't really think it's up to a family to actually compensate an adult for something which doesn't quite suit in the home he actively chooses to live in??

I don't think the OP can decide whether she wants her son to be independent or not. She doesn't seem to want to encourage him to leave home. I would be looking at it as a very transitional phase before he moved out, not a long term thing.

Weathergames A studio flat in my area with all bills (but not food cooked for you) is £450 pcm.

Why on earth would the son look for a whole studio flat to rent (although compared to a room in a family house it doesn't seem that bad value)? As opposed to a room in a shared house?

FWIW I agree with you that parents do a lot for their family these days; after all, most of us genuinely want to help them on their way. There comes a point, though, where too much help can actually damage them, especially if they develop the mindset of just taking and taking without accepting much responsibility for themselves

I don't think the OP is in any danger of giving her son too much help!

If she gets £375 or so from the son in rent, £150 for the dd, works full time herself and owns her own home therefore is hopefully not paying an extortionate rent, what on earth does the DP contribute that is equivalent to a third of an 18 yo's wages?

insanityscatching · 08/09/2015 14:17

We do the same as Medusa £30pw so that they can save to move out. Ds2 moves out next month after saving for his own place (mortgage). When he leaves our own bills will not go down by more than £30pw anyway as really only the food bill will be affected so don't understand the reasoning for charging towards wifi,heating,rent/mortgage.

TheOddity · 08/09/2015 14:18

Your choice what to charge, but maybe make it clear to him from the get go that if money is left in the pot, you'll be putting it aside for his house deposit so he sees you do have his best interests at heart. Is a third of his wage and ex's money more than the child maintenance and ex husbands contribution used to be?

Original poster
Weathergames · 08/09/2015 14:20

elke that was for a room in a shared house - described and a studio flat.

OP posts:
ElkeDagMeisje · 08/09/2015 14:20

Squinkies My kids had to pay when they aren't in full time education too. Oldest paid up £200 a month from his meagre wages whether he had a good month of work or not. Now he's moved out and has a mortgage, and all the other bills that go with it. Younger one was paying £200 also, then came to his senses and realized he needs to get an education to earn more, so went back to college full time, still works part time. He doesn't pay us anything as we'll fund him till he's finished.

But £200 a month is perfectly reasonable compared to what the OP finds it amusing to imply she is charging her son.

£200 a month is a perfectly reasonable figure in fact. Double that is not.

Original poster
Weathergames · 08/09/2015 14:21

As a not and

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 08/09/2015 14:21

Eh? "Finds it amusing?"

OP posts:
ElkeDagMeisje · 08/09/2015 14:24

weathergames its one property and its either a studio flat or it is not. It is presumably being marketed as one and I would be astonished, unless you live in a very expensive area, that it were not possible to rent a room in a shared house for £300 a month, bills on top. Certainly £400 should do it and that would bring you added benefits of privacy and not sharing with your parents and younger sibling.

I don't think you can assess the value of a room in a shared family home on the basis of what a studio flat costs on the private market. If you can, then presumably you would be better to ship your son out asap, advertise the room in your rent to those hordes of bargain hunters looking for a room, and count your profit.

Allbymyselfagain · 08/09/2015 14:27

OP your really getting attacked here and people are deliberately misreading you posts and twisting your words. I can't find anywhere you've come across as "finding it amusing"

As I said before OPs DS has a contract of 10 hours. He may earn £70 a week. Therefore he may hand less than £25 a week over in rent. If he has a good week yes he should pay more to cover the lean weeks. Would you all rather OP said right you pay me £200 a month and she take £50 a week off him no matter if he earns £70 or £300 that week?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/09/2015 14:30

... what the OP finds it amusing to imply she is charging her son

Oh dear Hmm

balletgirlmum · 08/09/2015 14:34

I don't think the OP IS BEING Unreasonable at all

A similar situation happened with dh's sister. She began work in a shop at 16 & was never charged rent, food, contribution towards bills or anything.

10 years later she was still there having everything paid for. Meanwhile ds's parents couldn't afford to give him their maintenance contribution for university. (These were the days when you got a grant based on a sliding scale of your parents income & your parents were expected to contribute a set amount)

Now she's married with a child she is permanently skint. She never saved towards a house etc- she just spent it all & pleads poverty regularly (when dh was just 18 he was put under pressure to lend her money & she has asked for loans from us several times since even though dh & I had to find a home both when we were students & in low paid jobs.

balletgirlmum · 08/09/2015 14:35

And I've looked into what the over 16 students at dds school have to pay for a room in a home with bills included (but not good). It's between £70-100 per week.

balletgirlmum · 08/09/2015 14:36

That's without food, phone etc.

00100001 · 08/09/2015 14:38

Elke

at what point would you stop financially supporting your adult offspring?

aprilanne · 08/09/2015 14:45

personally i think its a bit mean .you will still be getting £150 per month maintenaince .although why is your ex hubby giving you this if your son working .so you are only loosing £150 per month plus lower rate of child benefit about another £60 a month so maximum he should pay is say £210 a month in fact probably less if you have no phone bill or clothes to buy .more like £100 .my 19 year old works part time and is at college .he pays his phone and buys clothes sometimes because i only do a winter clothes shop and summer if he wants any outside these times he buys them himself .

Anotheronebitthedust · 08/09/2015 14:46

As nobody on here knows OP's exact financial circumstances except the OP herself, and therefore cannot state with any certainty whether his contribution is a)fair and b) necessary, I choose to believe her when she says it is.

Therefore, OP, I do not think you are U to ask for money, nor to tell DS if he doesn't like it he has other options (bedsit or dad), nor, given that you have supported him for the last 18 years, and presumably would still be doing so if he had stayed in college, that you would be at all U in telling him how cruel and hurtful the accusation that you will be profiting from him is. That really is a nasty, ungrateful thing to say, and I am surprised you actually want him around right now after that!