AIBU re DS and rent

[Weathergames]

DS nearly 18. Against my wishes he has left college and got a full time job - fine.

I have told him he will have to pay his way as I will lose maintenance from his dad and child benefit. We have agreed a third of his wages. Today I told him he will have to put his mobile in his own name and pay it and yesterday I bought him a load of toiletries and to him that's the last lot I am buying.

Today he has asked to discuss money. His dad had agreed 1/3 was reasonable and has never wanted him living with him in his new wife's home as they have students and have never made DS feel particularly welcome - he does not get in with DSM as there are 1000s of rules and she's v controlling.

DS is now saying his dad has told him if I am going to "over charge" him then his dad has said he can go and live there for £25 a week - if this is true AIBU to be fucking furious?

[ExConstance]

A grown up child cannot live at home free of charge unless they are unemployed, a student, or sick or disabled with no income. I have never been able to understand the views of those on here who think it wrong to charge a working adult DS or DD rent/keep. 1/3 sound very reasonable to me. If I had a son earning more than that would be fair with I'd charge £50 pw. Better off parents could save some or all of this to help children rent or buy later but letting them freeload only encourages dependency.

[bakingaddict]

I'm not disputing that once a person turns 18 that this shouldn't confer normal legal rights, nobody is above the law and that includes my children.

I would rather sit down with my children and explain financial stuff with them such as the importance of setting up ISA's or putting spare cash in a savings account to save for a deposit for a house rather than taking money for rent. Getting on the property ladder is going to be harder for the next generations so I would want to help in any way I can

If they were unwilling to see any sense in being financial savvy and blowing all their salary on enjoying themselves then i'd stipulate a sum of money must go into some form of savings option if they wanted to continue to live at home but it wouldn't as such be rent for me. I can understand that some people want to instill financial independence in young adults but the whole notion of charging my children to live in what was once their family home too just doesn't sit right with me, I guess we are all in different financial positions with different views on life but I don't understand this desire to treat adult children akin to glorified lodgers but this view is obviously in the minority on here

[Weathergames]

Not quite sure how people cannot understand that this is not "choice" who the hell can take a £200 a month hit and not notice it?!

I think my DS will learn much better by experience than me sitting down and explained ISAs to him.

[CookieMonsterIsOnADiet]

What will you do when they are all too old for state help or child support?

What if your partner loses his job, does he have to go too?

It's not your sons fault you relied on others for money, I doubt he costs £200 a month to feed and that's without any financial support from yourself.

Baking, that's spot on re glorified lodger. Seems wrong to say it's no longer your home unless you pay for it.

[Weathergames]

I will have students - like I did when I was really skint and made my boys share a room - although of course I won't be paying £30 a week bus fares to school will only be feeding two of us, won't have a massive leccie bill due to 5000 tellys in the house and numerous game stations, won't be feeding 3 other people with adult appetites 3 meals a day, won't be paying 3 other people's phone bills and won't be forking out for school clothes, school trips, family holidays and toiletries and clothes for everyone, tutor to get DD through GCSE Maths, buying DS2 nice glasses, paying for activities, trips to Thorpe park, making bedrooms nice, replacing bedroom furniture that gets broken, oh and petrol ferrying everyone around here there and everywhere - oh yes then I might be able to afford the mortgage

[romeomorningwhisky]

"I don't understand how you would want to take 1/3 of his earnings"

It's not taking anything it's expecting an adult to contribute & pay their way!

Not everyone can afford to subsidise their kids!

[romeomorningwhisky]

I can't believe some people are seriously thinking there is something wrong with expecting a working adult to contribute to household expenses !
Genuinely shocked !

[wiltingfast]

To be honest, you're so certain you're right I'm not sure why you're here?

Plus if you can't afford not to get the money from him, sure what is there to think about anyway?

Some people can and want to support their kids through young adulthood and some just can't, even if they wanted to.

[budgiegirl]

To be honest, you're so certain you're right I'm not sure why you're here

If you read the OP, the question was AIBU to be furious with DS dad for telling her DS that she is over charging. The OP was never asking if she is she was being unreasonable to charge rent.

[overthemill]

Chrome - my dd1 and her boyfriend pay £650 plus all bills. They each take home about £840 pm. So they lay much higher proportion than you do - I am amazed at how little you pay. I always paid about 1/3 of my wage in rent plus bills when in my 20s

[00100001]

Here hhereer budgie

[00100001]

Or hear hear!

[Weathergames]

Erm yes thanks Budgie - I got led away ...

[Weathergames]

No he hasn't come to a decision.

I feel like the world is on his shoulders and I feel terrible because he won't talk to me :(

[wowfudge]

Well he's trying to work out his next move after threatening to go to his dad's pretty much backfired on him.

I'm another one who thinks you are doing absolutely the right thing - my parents charged me 1/3 of my wages when I started working. I also had to pull my weight around the place in terms of cleaning, cooking and gardening.

Was I exploited? Was I hell - it taught me how to manage my money, 'housekeeping' and that everyone in a household should do their share. It did drive me crackers living at home after several years of student freedom though. I managed to save a deposit up to rent a place with a friend pretty quickly.

[toastyarmadillo]

Has he made a decision yet op?

[FlankShaftMcWap]

I'm baffled at some of the accusations levelled at the OP tbh. On what planet is it profiteering when OP clearly stated that any excess money over and above her DS's actual living costs she will be putting aside in savings for him, which he will be damned thankful for given that he's currently frittering away his wage on consoles!

[grapejuicerocks]

I still can't work out how the ex thinks it's fair that he gets to be better off as he no longer has to pay maintenance for him, but that it's ok to accuse the op from profiteering from ds and stopping him from saving.

The fairest thing to do in that case (although not right as he won't learn anything) is for the ex to continue paying a reduced maintenance so that both parents benefit a bit, whilst leaving precious ds with most of his income.

[MiddleAgedandConfused]

YANBU to charge your adult son rent.
YANBU to think your ExH has made things much harder than necessary by sticking his nose in.

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

Quick question, I thought the law changed and they weren't allowed to leave school until 18 unless it was an apprenticeship. Is that not right?

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

That aside, yanbu to think your ex is shit stirring. He shouldn't be offering an opinion on how much you charge, if he wanted to offer£25 a week himself it is up to him but doesn't sound like he is. And given he is financially benefiting by£150 a month he could probably afford to keep him for that much. If he thinks ds needs continued support he should be continuing to pay that himself, not suggesting he is better off and the op takes the hit

[Skiptonlass]

Stick to your guns, op. 1/3 of his wage for a safe loving home is hardly unreasonable. :)

I left home at just 18 to go to uni and had to manage pretty quick on a tiny budget (no loans back then!) I lived in all sorts of absolute pits but by god I can budget - that's a skill that's stood me in very good stead over the years. I am capable of living like an airplant if needs be and now that I have a good wage it means I'm a saver, plan wisely and don't spunk it all up the wall. If I'd needed to go back home, the door would have been open, but I'd have paid board.

My brother on the other hand... Dropped out of college, went to live back home. All sorts of issues until my parents finally made him pay a (very reasonable) amount of rent. I don't think he really grew up till then. Now he lives independently, but he did get babied a bit at first and it did him no good at all.

Some people here are acting like you're going to kick him out on the street in sackcloth. You're asking for a contribution to the household, which I imagine is a much nicer, warmer, safer home than any flat share he'll get. He's an adult, he pays his way. Does he really not see that this is a much softer option than the real world?

I'd stick to the 'love having you around son, but this is the deal' line.

Your ex sounds like a twat, by the way ;)

[UnbelievableBollocks]

OP I think your DS is quiet as he's just had a major reality check. He spent all of last year mucking about and now thought he'd get a job, without considering for a moment that he'd be expected to start supporting himself.

Life doesn't work like that though, does it. You make adult decisions, you take what comes with those decisions.

I agree with a PP that if his dad is so keen on him saving, he can keep putting money into his pot.