AIBU re DS and rent

[Weathergames]

DS nearly 18. Against my wishes he has left college and got a full time job - fine.

I have told him he will have to pay his way as I will lose maintenance from his dad and child benefit. We have agreed a third of his wages. Today I told him he will have to put his mobile in his own name and pay it and yesterday I bought him a load of toiletries and to him that's the last lot I am buying.

Today he has asked to discuss money. His dad had agreed 1/3 was reasonable and has never wanted him living with him in his new wife's home as they have students and have never made DS feel particularly welcome - he does not get in with DSM as there are 1000s of rules and she's v controlling.

DS is now saying his dad has told him if I am going to "over charge" him then his dad has said he can go and live there for £25 a week - if this is true AIBU to be fucking furious?

I actually feel a bit sorry for him too. The way you speak about "losing money" due to his choices, because you won't get child benefit or maintenance for him any more. He is not a money-making scheme for you but your son. He was probably looking forward to earning a bit of money for himself for the first time. It seems harsh not to let him enjoy a couple of months of his own salary before charging him for a third. And since there are 2 other children, you and your partner in the house, I don't think he would be paying that much for a similar house share or his share of the bills, which at 1/5, must be low. Its hardly a marketable proposition if you were to look at renting his room to someone else.

I feel sorry for him too because it sounds like his father doesn't want him either, you seem him as a financial burden and he is caught between the two of you.

tbh I'd hope you were encouraging him to be independent as an adult and helping him maybe build up a deposit for a place of his own. Then you can replace him with those income-generating students you seem to eager to put in his place although I can't for the life of me think what student in their right mind would rent a room in a house with two young children when they could share with other students

Seriously? He has fucked about at college for the last year. I have paid for his bus fare to college but he hasn't gone (money is tight) he has fucked about in the town centre smoking weed and getting pissed with his mates using his bus pass I have paid for - lied to me about getting big the sack from his part time job, I was hauled into college 4 times and saved him from getting kicked out and have slept the last three months telling him he needs to get a job while he has moaned about not having any money.

I do love my son - I do not see him as a work horse - I just want him to learn what real life is about FFS - oh I also work full time, have taken a load of shit off his dad over the years but have ALWAYS defended him - even when I got a bill for him shoplifting in fucking Primark.

You do your best for your kids. 1/3 is fair in my eyes. Even adding in his mobile etc he is likely to have almost half his wage to spend. That's a decent amount of money without being so ridiculous it gets pissed up the wall.

Stick to your gunsop.

That's what I meant about him treating your home with respect; if he doesn't act like he's living with his parents (telling you where he's going/when he'll be back, being polite, being patient with his younger siblings, helping with chores), then yes, I can see why he shouldn't be getting the benefits of that (lower living costs/help saving). It could serve as a check on his behaviour in which case I'd agree a review in six months or something.

OP, you don't need to justify yourself, you really don't. I seriously doubt that his father has said he can live there for £25 a week and I'd also doubt that his SM would want a working 18 year old suddenly moving in! Could you check that little snippet?

I think I'd call his bluff on that one and if he thinks he'd be better off, let him go. Just... expect him to want to come back!

Gosh weathergames I think you are a saint. You didn't tell us all the stuff about him shoplifting etc, and not getting a job etc.
What a nightmare when you love him so much and know how hard life will be without proper qualifications.
I don't think YABU in the circumstances.
Anyway he now has a choice. Perhaps it might do him some good to go and stay with his Dad. It might make him appreciate a loyal long suffering Mother.
Could you bear it?

Could I bear him moving out and within his dad?

No I don't think so - but if he does I'll have to be brave ...

Well it might be a bit of a reality check for him and you never know it might give you both a bit of a breather. Absence making the heart grow fonder, and all that.
You have my sympathy, it is hard bringing up children. 18 year olds are pretty self centred.
It does get better and eventually they get their own wallets out and offer to pay for you. The first time it happened, it did make me smile.
I hope you are feeling better.

Not forgetting to mention that just sometimes, they can leave home and suddenly appreciate what they had, thereby returning with a very different attitude!

weather ignore the odd couple of posters who think you're using your son as a cash cow- they're utterly INSANE.

THey think they're doing their kids a favour by goign "ohhh, but they want to travel" so do I! But I have a fucking HOUSE to pay for so I can't. That's what being an adult is about. Learning that life is tough, you can't have everything you want. If you want to travel, you need to save for it AFTER paying living expenses.

The "oh how could you??" brigade, will no doubt end up being the parents of 32 year olds that are earning £40k a year still living at home, and not paying a penny because "they're our children and this is their home" obviously because they love the kids more than anyone one else Or be the ones that are constantly bailing their precious "kids" out at 27.

If they'd raised decent human beings their precious "kids" (ADULTS) would either have moved out by then, or insisted on paying their way!

How many threads so we seen on MN where people have adult guests (including relatives) that complain that in the 4 week long stay the guess paid fuck all towards the keep, and you have a bajillion posters ALL agreeing that the guests are unreasonable and rude and should have offered something.

A GROWN MAN making his own choices about work and education needs to live by those choices. if he chooses to work full time hen that's fine, his decision. But the consequence is, he's now in the adult world and has to pay his own way.

I would LOVE to know tight money is for those people saying "ohhhh, poor ickle boy" maybe they don't have to feed a teenager? Maybe they aren't supporting a grown man working full time for free? and wondering where the money is going to come from to pay for the food etc they eat?

At what point does the financial support stop for these people financially supporting their adult offspring? when they're 21? when they're earning a certain amount? Once they've travelled? when???

weather he's an adult, he can live where he chooses - and if that's with Dad, let him go. You know he'll soon be back!

I think a third is a lot to pay for a room! My rent is £250 a month for my flat out of my salary of £1200 pcm, including bills etc about £400. I would not expect to pay that much for a room in my parents' house.

well, it's up to the parents to decide how much, surely?

If you didn't like it, you could always live elsewhere...

wow, where do you live that rent is only £250 a month for a flat?? :)

weather

there seems to be a be of a martyr coming out in some of your posts.

But

YANBU to charge rent, I have no idea if 1/3 is a lot as I don't know what he earns.
YABU not to ask his father if he said £25 to DS

chrome100 if you read the OP, she is not suggesting he pay a third for 'room only'. She has asked for a third, and him to pay HIS mobile and HIS toiletries. The rest of the perks of living at home include all food and all bills !!! a bloody good deal in my book.
As for all the martyrs who accuse you, op of treating your son as a cash cow ? I think they may need to try and walk a mile in your shoes before pontificating about 'helping them save for a deposit' .. If your family budget is tight then lack of child benefit and maintenance is going to make a HUGE financial difference. Whilst he was still at college there was at least some money coming in, now having made the unilateral decision to quit, he actually cost money.. Mine have all been told that, whilst they are studying, there is no charge, but when they are earning, there is a price to pay. I am very lucky in that I don't NEED money from them to make ends meet, but would never give them a free ride as it teaches them nothing about the rw. In OP shoes I think a third is more than reasonable, however, let Dad pick up the slack for a while. If he is offering all bills/food/ toiletries /mobile for £25 pm. It is guaranteed to wind both df and Dsm off the clock after a couple of days.. Worth it for that alone surely

£25 pw !

YANBU.
He is making adult decisions so he needs to act like an adult. And no adult I know expects somebody else to pay their rent, bills and food, unless they are a student.
Are you sure one third is enough?

His DF reply - note no actual confirmation that he is willing to put him up for £25 a week - and the "burden" bit makes me . He will also be halving his maintenance to £150 a month.

"What ever I say will have no bearing on what you want to do in regards to (DS).
He asked my opinion on how much he should pay in rent to you. I said that ultimately that's up to you but a fair amount would be around £25 a week that's between £100-£125 a month depending on a 4 or 5 week month.
Yes he needs to learn about how life works. He would be paying for his own phone (£20) I believe,
His own clothes, and transportation ie busses to work, I said to him that you would more than likely only supply breakfast and dinner any lunches and snack foods he should have to buy himself and if he missed dinner etc that would be his problem. I have also said ( and I have offered to help him set it up) he needs to set up standing orders for an amount to another bank account to save money to eventually get his own place, if you over charge him he will be a burden on you for s lot longer, he will be unhappy and it will be an unpleasant household for you and him as there will be an atmosphere regarding money at all times.
Once he is 18 and gets a social life I doubt you will see him much anyways and he will cost you bugger all.
I never agreed with you about taking a third of his money, I agreed he would need to pay his way!
I have said my bit I am not going to respond to hundreds of emails on the subject, this is a matter for you and (DS) to sort out."

Weather I totally understand why you are so cross. And you are NOT being unreasonable.

My sister left skid marks on the pavement she moved back in with my parents so fast after her initial 'I know it all' moving in elsewhere debarcle the fact she was shocked at how much loo roll costs says it all

I'd tell DS that it's your way, his own place or Dad's house as you are not negotiating and he should make his choice appropriately by the weekend. If he throws 'Dad said' into the mix, tell him it's not Dad's house so what he's said is utterly irrelevant in this case.

If DS wants to be treated as an adult he needs to man-up like an adult.

There's a vicious rumour that life in a green suit provides inexpensive housing, on the job training and a reasonable career profile for those that work at it..

So basically his dad has stirred the pot and left you to deal with the mess. Does that feel familiar to you.

What a dickhead. His Dad, that is.

If he thinks £25 a week is reasonable, then he can put him up for that.

How do you expect him to save enough for a deposit and first month's rent so he can move out if he is paying you 1/3 of his salary each week, from the very start?

I mean, by all means, make him pay his way, make him independent, but don't trap him. Shoplifting, erratic attendance at college, his father doesn't want him, a poor relationship with his stepmother - he sounds very troubled. But he has found a job quickly, so why not let him see the benefits instead of totting up how much money to compensate your loss of child benefit and maintenance you are getting?

You can also get a room in a shared house for £250 a month round here, including bills, and would have quite a choice for £350 - £400. But you need a deposit. If you want him to be independent, why not do something for him to help him? You could work out how long it would take for him to save a deposit for a room, plus his first month's rent, say £1000 for both, then maybe another £500 for removal expenses plus all those things you need to buy when you move. So £1500. Let him save or take that from him as a fund and don't keep it yourself and then if he is still there, charge him 1/3 of his salary in rent from you.

I wouldn't worry about him spending his first two week's salary on himself. Seriously, who doesn't? Didn't you? I was delighted when I got my first paycheck and probably spent it on something stupid that I can't even remember now.

I mean, yes, he has to be independent, but parents give their children so much help now. I have a flatmate whose mother has basically stayed with her for the first week, seemingly so she can complain to the landlord about every tiny little thing. At the moment, it probably seems to him that neither of his parents want him very much and he is thinking his dad might help him out at last (probably a forlorn hope). My parents weren't very great either so maybe I'm more sympathetic towards him. I certainly wasn't rushing back to visit them after I felt I had no choice but to move out at 18, and I still feel envious and a bit sad of people like my flatmate, whose parents not only give them money to support them but time and effort.

How do you expect him to save enough for a deposit and first month's rent so he can move out if he is paying you 1/3 of his salary each week, from the very start?

I don't think the OP does expect that - she expects a contribution towards he cost of running the house as she will not be able to afford it otherwise! Plus, he will presumably be working his way up the employment ladder over the coming months, so his income should increase and he will be able to save more, but as most of us know, saving is a luxury that comes after paying for the essentials, especially if you have nobody to fork out on your behalf.