Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re DS and rent

305 replies

Weathergames · 07/09/2015 20:37

DS nearly 18. Against my wishes he has left college and got a full time job - fine.

I have told him he will have to pay his way as I will lose maintenance from his dad and child benefit. We have agreed a third of his wages. Today I told him he will have to put his mobile in his own name and pay it and yesterday I bought him a load of toiletries and to him that's the last lot I am buying.

Today he has asked to discuss money. His dad had agreed 1/3 was reasonable and has never wanted him living with him in his new wife's home as they have students and have never made DS feel particularly welcome - he does not get in with DSM as there are 1000s of rules and she's v controlling.

DS is now saying his dad has told him if I am going to "over charge" him then his dad has said he can go and live there for £25 a week - if this is true AIBU to be fucking furious?

OP posts:
snoozeyoulose · 07/09/2015 21:33

Let him go while he's 18 and has ALL the answers Wink we all know best at 18 don't we? Grin I'd be furious OP. Check with his DF to make sure he's not lying. Don't be dictated to in your own home!

Haffdonga · 07/09/2015 21:35

Totally fair. My dcs have always known that when they leave full time education they'll be asked to contribute a third of their income (or JSA). Everyone chips in in their own way - work or learning.

But by the same token, if he's acting like an adult and choosing to leave college he can also act like an adult and choose to live where he'll be charged the least rent. Fair too.

Original poster
Weathergames · 07/09/2015 21:36

On what he is earning he will not be able to afford to move out believe me. He's contracted to 10 hrs but is doing about 37 and is on £6.99 an hour - I will not be profiting from humans I him before he chose to leave college that I cannot take a financial hit because he has chosen to leave education - because I can't afford to - he should be in yr 13 now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 07/09/2015 21:37

From him sorry and I told him before he left college

OP posts:
PHANTOMnamechanger · 07/09/2015 21:43

I think 1/3 is very reasonable, given he is unlikey to be on a huge salary. Does anyone else have 2/3 of their income to spend exactly as they wish after bills, rent, food? I certainly don't!

My friends DD got in a right mess when she first moved out of home , having being paying peanuts for her board there. She had no idea of the real costs of things like water and fuel bills, council tax etc, and it came as a shock to her to have to drastically reduce her numbers of take aways, nights out and new clothes/shoes! While living at home cheaply she could have been saving some money, instead she was living the high life.

Fluffyears · 07/09/2015 21:50

Tell you what op send him on his way and I'll move in and give you 1/3 of my wages. That is much better than what I pay out now Grin

Original poster
Weathergames · 07/09/2015 21:51

Phantom exactly - he's not paying me anything yet so with his wages from last week and the week before has bought a PS4 ......

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 07/09/2015 21:52

And is now skint Smile

OP posts:
hedgehogsdontbite · 07/09/2015 21:56

I used to pay my mum £25 a week nearly 30 years ago Shock

Original poster
Weathergames · 07/09/2015 21:57

Thing is he will resent me until he does leave and realised I am not ripping him off Sad

OP posts:
BifsWif · 07/09/2015 22:00

Are you asking for a third of his income and that's it, or a third of his income plus him paying for his phone and all toiletries etc?

Original poster
Weathergames · 07/09/2015 22:02

A third of his income which covers his rent, food, electric, wifi, gas, en suite bedroom.

He will have to buy his clothes and toiletries, pay for his mobile and get himself to work.

OP posts:
PeppasNanna · 07/09/2015 22:04

Hes a grown up he should pay his way, pay for his phone & his toiletries.

Quietlifenotonyournelly · 07/09/2015 22:04

I think 1/3 of his wage is acceptable, my older DCs knew that once they were working that was what was expected of them.
I would call his bluff on this £25 at DFs.

chinam · 07/09/2015 22:07

Feck it, Fluffy ears just beat me to it. YANBU, op. If he wants to be treated like an adult, he will have to pay up like one.

Original poster
Weathergames · 07/09/2015 22:08

It's a lot less than I pay out too!! Grin

OP posts:
Hamiltoes · 07/09/2015 22:20

I have to say I feel rather sorry for this lad that his wishes for his future should be ignored because it means his mother will get more money. He must feel like he is an inconvenience to his father and that his mother is only interested in him if he brings in cash.

Are you on the wind up?

I think his mother is probably more interested in teaching him a life lesson that if you want to piss your education up the wall and work in a shop for min wage, you're not going to have all that much spare cash after your nessecities are paid for. Makes 2/3s sound generous.

We're talking about a grown man fgs.

And I'm in no way slating anyone who chose not to continue education or to work in a shop, clearly we need people to work in shops. But its only a matter of time before he learns the reality of his descision, why is it up to his mother to shelter him from that? He's an adult. Hmm

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 07/09/2015 22:41

Personally I think 1/3 is a bit harsh on a minimum wage.
I have two still at home (other two just graduated from Uni..and helping them get a flat= ouch).

I take £150 a month in rent from each.. so £30 a week. This goes towards their share of the bills, internet food. I buy their toiletries within the usual shop . I'm still paying their phones but that's only £10 a month each on giffgaff.

DS1 (22) earns around £1200 a month £200 more than me! But he's also running a car, saving a bit to go travelling and frankly as the rest of his adult life is going to be one long run of boring adult bills I'd rather he enjoyed some cash now. He was living here before he had a job so it's not like I wasn't housing him anyway. But I may be a soft touch.. I like having him at home; he's lovely when he's around and he eats out a lot so doesn't cost that much in food.

DS2 (18) is disabled and on DLA and ESA. He costs a lot more to maintain, and £30 a week barely touches the cost, but realistically he will need to be with us forever so his contribution is just that.

BessieBumptiousness · 07/09/2015 22:44

So fed up of hearing young ADULTS being infantilised. Of course he should pay his way in accordance with his earnings. That's life! Whatever situation you find yourself in as an adult, you cut your cloth accordingly. Why should anyone freeload from their parent/s when they're earning a salary?

YANBU.

Original poster
Weathergames · 07/09/2015 22:45

I earn £1200 a month ...... I cannot afford to support him this isn't a choice thing.

OP posts:
BessieBumptiousness · 07/09/2015 22:49

OP, and nor should you continue to fully support him when he's earning his own money. You're still helping him, even if he's giving you 1/3. It's a gentle, and necessary, wake up call to join the real world and it will enable him, not keep him unaware of the harsh reality of paying your own way.

magalufuptheduff · 07/09/2015 22:51

Some pp are still not getting it are they OP. Its not just a case of taking money from them to show them how to be an adult .. its about having enough to keep the household running.

Like you, I earn about 1200 a month but if I had enough disposable income like Medusa etc then I would ask for less.

BessieBumptiousness · 07/09/2015 22:55

But there's still two sides to the argument for paying board. One is that it's learning curve in how to budget (a bit) and secondly, to assist with the household finances. Now, if you were lucky enough to able to afford to keep him without any contribution, I think he should still pay board, but you may choose to put it on one side for when he/she leaves home.

TheCraicDealer · 07/09/2015 23:00

Yes but you also have a partner, who is in the forces and if he is stationed away like you indicate is also getting a bonus on top of his very good wage for being apart from you. I'd rather encourage him to save (with evidence) to do something that'll benefit him long term, like learn to drive, go back to college or a modest deposit, before taking that sort of money off him fresh out of school. He'll have nothing to put by because he's replacing your lost credits and maintenance. If he was pissing it up against a wall I might have some sympathy but it sounds like he's only been working two weeks.

JaceLancs · 07/09/2015 23:03

When my now adult children became that we discussed together what they thought was fair to pay, obviously I had some say too
They know what it costs to run our home, and what I earn - not enough as a single parent
They each pay £150 pcm plus a share of council tax, buy their own toiletries, lunches and luxury items (fizzy drinks, alcohol etc)
When DD started spending more time at her bf we negotiated an appropriate reduction as she doesn't eat at home as much
That's what joining the adult world is about, compromise, negotiation, being responsible etc
Although neither of them have fantastically well paid jobs they probably have more disposable cash than I do - it's a time in their lives I hope they do and enjoy it!!!!