Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

to give up work and become a SAHM to teenage DCs

246 replies

Lauresbadhairday · 07/09/2015 16:10

I have a reasonably well paid but stressful job. I am lucky to work P/T - one long day (9-7), 3 school hour days (9-3) and a day off per week. Our finances are such that I don't really need to work. Our mortgagee is paid off and DH earns a good enough salary for us to live comfortably.

The bottom line is that I don't enjoy my job anymore and want to give it up. I have no plans to study or get another job but want to be a SAHM. The problem with this is that my DCs are now teenagers (14&13) and are therefore becoming increasingly independent and self-sufficient so I wonder if I am just being lazy and selfish expecting my DH to essentially fund me to stay at home every day. I'm sure I would be happier and less stressed. I enjoy reading, jigsaws, baking so I'm sure I will be able to fill my time plus we have a dog who I will enjoy taking out for long walks. I will of course continue to run the household but I do this already so not much will change in that department.

So AIBU to consider giving up work?

OP posts:

StarlingMurmuration · 07/09/2015 16:13

Does DH enjoy his job? Wouldn't it be fairer for him to drop some of his hours, if you could live comfortably off a smaller income? It doesn't really seem fair for you not to work at all if he's working fully time, and you don't have any little ones, sorry.

saoirse31 · 07/09/2015 16:14

Definitely not unreasonable but u obv need to discuss it with ur dh.

PrinceHansOfTheTescoAisles · 07/09/2015 16:14

If you and dh are happy and don't need the money then what's stopping you?

QuintShhhhhh · 07/09/2015 16:15

Well, if dh is ok with supporting you knitting and doing jigsaws, then it is fine to be bone idle lazy if that is what works for your family!

Considering you are keeping on to a job that somebody might want and really need it is the right thing to do.

Yanbu.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/09/2015 16:15

Is your dh happy to support you financially?

I've been a sahm since I had ds2 at aged 35, and the dc are all teens now. I love my life. Dh supportive of my decisions whether I work or not. I think that's of prime importance.

MyballsareSandy · 07/09/2015 16:15

Not unreasonable at all, as long as your DH is happy with the arrangement.

I personally think teens need someone around even more than little ones. At least with small children you can arrange childcare/clubs/holiday schemes and you know they are being looked after and are safe.

With teens they don't want to be 'looked after', so are left to their own devices more if you're at work and you really need to be aware of what they're up to and who they are with, which can be tricky if you're stuck at work.

I have two 14 year olds.

LieselVonTwat · 07/09/2015 16:17

I don't think you're BU necessarily, not if your DH is happy to support you. Though I'd worry about pensions too- can you afford to make the maximum contribution to a private pension fund for a non-employed person? I think it's about £300 a month. I'd also think about whether the solution is a different job rather than none at all.

Finola1step · 07/09/2015 16:18

There os another point to this discussion. Your dcs are about to hit the GCSE years. From what I have read on here and from people in rl, dc need their parents more during this time, not less.

I was left pretty much to get on with things from the age of 13. It never occurred to me that parents actually discussed things like GCSE and A Level choices with their dc. I just got on with it. As for Uni applications, I don't think my parents ever asked. It was all very much out of their comfort zone.

So, leave work or stay. That's a decision between you and your dh. But the big upshot of taking time out now is to be present for your dc.

Penfold007 · 07/09/2015 16:21

Something to bear in mind; if you give up paid employment your National Insurance payments will stop and this will have an impact on your Single Tier State Pension in the future. It might be worth getting a statement before you make your final decision www.gov.uk/new-state-pension/overview

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 16:22

We'd all love to give up work "to feel less stressed". Personally I'd feel very shitty not contributing financially to my family or to the economy. A less drastic solution would be to, you know, get a different job? Or at the very least retrain to then get a different job. How long would you be planning to have your DH be the sole provider?

I did my GCSEs, A Levels and Degree with both my parents working full time. I survived just fine, as I'm sure many children would.

Canyouforgiveher · 07/09/2015 16:23

I'm actually considering something similar. I have one teen in college and 2 at home. My work isn't particularly stressful except occasionally but I really do not enjoy it anymore and think I would love to take a break and think about doing something else.

Similar to you we have no money worries, I have a relatively decent pension set up, Dh earns way more than me, and he is completely supportive of my stopping.

In addition, one of my 2 still at home has some additional needs/extra doctors appointments so it is important to me to be able to drive her to school and pick her up. Because dh has a more time consuming and stressful job than me (and he travels), I already run the entire house/take care of everything.

But I am finding it hard to make the decision. I have worked since graduating, went right back after all 3 births, always worked in relatively significant roles. It is hard to just stop. But I think if I did I might find more time for myself and reduce the stress, and look around for something I would actually love to do.

Would love to know what and how you decide OP.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 07/09/2015 16:27

Am sure your DH would love to give up his job and just laze around every day but he doesn't get that luxury. I'd feel horribly guilty if someone else was paying for that choice, it's supposed to be a partnership.

Other issues are pensions, future work prospects and role models. Teens are very impressionable, do you really want them to think quitting work to essentially do nothing is a valid option?

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 07/09/2015 16:29

aww do it

my teen's been much more in need of attention than my junior school age dcs the last couple of years

but only if you like helping with revision

Theycallmemellowjello · 07/09/2015 16:33

Sorry, I do think it's unreasonable. Why on earth should your dh fund your jigsaw-doing?

AnyFucker · 07/09/2015 16:34

I would never, ever consider giving up a career/earning potential to become dependent on a man

If you don't especially need the money from this job, why don't you look to retrain ?

and why are you the only one "running the household" ? if you had a more equal marriage at home where you are not doing all the skivvying, planning and organising, perhaps you would feel more freed up to actually put some more into your career ? You get out what you put in, after all.

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 16:36

By the way, I feel I should add here that I was working FT, very stressed, hate my job. After a discussion with DH, I dropped down to part-time hours and started spending afternoons building up my own business, which I hope to switch to full time (after mat leave) now that I've got a good client list. There are ways to change your life that don't involve expecting your OH to be your personal bank.

yorkshapudding · 07/09/2015 16:36

I'd look at reducing my hours or finding a different, less stressful job before giving up work altogether. Each to their own and a that but I would feel guilty letting DH support me to stay at home unless we had small children or I was unable to work for some reason. Rightly or wrongly, if you refer to yourself as a "SAHM" when your kids are teenagers (assuming no SN) some people will be a bit . Obviously, it's none of anyone else's business so I'm not saying that should impact on your decision in any way, just that some people won't get it and you might encounter some jealousy or nastiness.

Iusedtobeapenguin · 07/09/2015 16:37

Yanbu if your dh is happy golf you to do so - it's your business.

But I wouldn't feel happy doing so myself. Firstly because I would feel it was unfair for me to decide to give up my job and expect dh to financially support our family on his own - I certainly wouldn't like it the other way round, and my gender shouldn't really have any bearing on it.

Secondly I like the security of two incomes - you never know if redundancy or illness is around the corner and suddenly you could need the income but find it hard to get back into the job you had.

Finally - and this is more subjective - I know couples that both work and couples where the wife is a sahm. And sadly, I have seen first hand that some sahm's turn into no more than glorified slaves to their families and seem to lose some 'status' in the eyes of their dh's & dc's. I also know a couple of women who have really changed since giving up their jobs for their families - they don't seem to have a social life anymore (other than coffee mornings), and they just seem downtrodden and miserable . I know in MN world that's never the case - where SAHMs have cleaners and au pairs and spend the days horse riding and volunteering for the local wildlife sanctuary, but what I see in RL doesn't reflect that....

Theycallmemellowjello · 07/09/2015 16:37

Also I can't really understand what parents are going to do with regard to kids doing GCSEs, A-levels and uni applications. Agreed that it might be a good idea to be on hand talk through the finer points of trigonometry or whatever when help is needed, and talk through uni options, but having a job isn't going to stop you doing either of those. Personally I think it could be quite bad for a 16 year old to know that their parent had quit their job to help them do things that they are supposed to be soon themselves.

Iusedtobeapenguin · 07/09/2015 16:39

Happy golf???

NerrSnerr · 07/09/2015 16:39

If your husband is happy with this then go for it. I know in this situation we'd do the same as you but it depends on the family.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/09/2015 16:42

AF I have thanksed my lucky stars more times than I can remember that I have never been dependent on a man financially or practically.

I wouldn't change that now for all the tea in China!

Jw35 · 07/09/2015 16:43

YANBU but its a little sad that you don't want to do anything more with your life! Why not take some time off, enjoy your DC and maybe do some volunteering or studying? If the job is making you unhappy and you don't need the money there seems little point in staying there.

Hellocampers · 07/09/2015 16:45

It's a family decision and absolutely no one else's business is it?

Fwiw any one can look after small children and that's the easy part. In my experience teenagers need far more attention, nurturing and support.

If your dh is fine with it go ahead and do what's best for your family unit.

NewLife4Me · 07/09/2015 16:46

YANBU and even if your dc go to outstanding schools and won't need much in terms of help with their studies you can still put your time to good use giving them the opportunities they might have missed if you continued working.

You will also have time to yourself which is brilliant and far better than working. if your dh thinks its a good idea then go for it.
I love being a sahm, although I guess that's been downgraded now our youngest is boarding and other 2 are grown up.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10