Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to give up work and become a SAHM to teenage DCs

246 replies

Lauresbadhairday · 07/09/2015 16:10

I have a reasonably well paid but stressful job. I am lucky to work P/T - one long day (9-7), 3 school hour days (9-3) and a day off per week. Our finances are such that I don't really need to work. Our mortgagee is paid off and DH earns a good enough salary for us to live comfortably.

The bottom line is that I don't enjoy my job anymore and want to give it up. I have no plans to study or get another job but want to be a SAHM. The problem with this is that my DCs are now teenagers (14&13) and are therefore becoming increasingly independent and self-sufficient so I wonder if I am just being lazy and selfish expecting my DH to essentially fund me to stay at home every day. I'm sure I would be happier and less stressed. I enjoy reading, jigsaws, baking so I'm sure I will be able to fill my time plus we have a dog who I will enjoy taking out for long walks. I will of course continue to run the household but I do this already so not much will change in that department.

So AIBU to consider giving up work?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/09/2015 16:47

me neither, BOOP

CQ · 07/09/2015 16:48

OP, you won't get impartial advice on here - everyone will advise (or flame) based on their own life and experiences.

If your family are happy with your decision, go for it. All too soon the kids will be gone and then you can retrain or take a different direction in life.

I am basically a SAHM to teens - as someone said upthread, I mostly get the Hmm reaction to that, but I volunteer 2 days a week and fit that round the kids, household, dogs etc. DH works ridiculous, unpredictable hours plus travel, and I have to be the one that drops everything when needed for doctors' appointments, sports fixtures that don't work in with the bus schedule, home deliveries, workmen in the house, you name it. Volunteering is keeping my skills up to date for when I want to work again once the kids have flown the nest.

I don't see myself as 'dependent' on him - if I didn't do what I do, he couldn't do the job he does and earn all the money to support us all - there is no way I could earn half what he does, so our arrangement suits all of us (most of the time). We are a team.

And before all the feminists start flapping - I pay myself a monthly 'salary' out of our joint bank account into my sole account, it rolls up nicely and is all mine - to lend, to give away, to spend or to save - DH knows all about it and it's my Escape Fund.

Do what feels right for you and bugger what anyone else thinks of you. This last part I'm finding easier as I approach 50 Smile

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 16:49

All too soon the kids will be gone

And then what will she do, having gotten used to staying at home doing jigsaws? (Not to mention how this is going to look on her CV ...)

norasbattys · 07/09/2015 16:50

If your DH agrees then go for it.

Personally I would grin and bear it for a couple of more years - take some nicer luxury holidays - get some savings behind you and then leave when it's more on your terms rather than because you have had enough.

Could you not lose another day so you get more balance?

AnyFucker · 07/09/2015 16:52

OP, of course you will get impartial opinions because that's what this site is...a discussion/chat site

I haven't seen any "flaming" though, nor any "flapping"....just opinions

I assume OP wanted a range of them

bigkidsdidit · 07/09/2015 16:52

Well, you're around a lot to help with homework and discuss revision etc surely - you see them from 3pm four days a week. I don't think that argument really holds!

If you want to give up work to do jigsaws and read, do what you like. I wouldn't give up my own pension for anything!

Todaysrollercoaster · 07/09/2015 16:56

Problem I have with it is that, apparently, the children need you 'more' as they grow for support in passing exams which presumably will enable them to get good jobs and live happily ever after - but only if they're male children?

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 07/09/2015 16:56

wot CQ said

our circumstances are slightly different from yours OP in that I'm not doing up our doer upper while OH works FT

we decided this would be a better use of time/our skills than trying to do everything at weekends

mind you now, after a v stressful year at home, I do find I would like to get a job-just for a bit of light relief

the worst (only bad?) thing about being at home with bigger kids is that there's noone around in the daytime- I find the only people I know out of work atm (and I know a good few) are blokes. Oh, and there is another shit thing- it's the Hmm you get when people ask what you do

fuckit. There's more to life than economic activity!

itmustbeglove · 07/09/2015 16:57

I work part time and feel I have the best of both worlds; I enjoy the challenges of my work (and the pay packet) but equally I have enough leisure time to do what I like.
My DC are older teens and getting to the stage where Uni and Gap Years abroad are on the horizon. I feel I'll need my job more than ever when they go.
Think ahead, if you get off the working wheel will you easily be able to get back on if you want to?

tipple · 07/09/2015 16:57

I would say this is one area where women have the advantage over men in most cases.
Really it depends on your DH and whether he is happy. I work PT and my DH full time both in stressful jobs. He hates his job and I think would be very resentful if I gave up as he'd swap places with me in a heartbeat. So in our situation both doing PT would be the fairest option. But if yours enjoys work and is happy then fair enough.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 07/09/2015 16:57

If your DH is happy to support you, then that's cool.

But check out any impact this will have on your pension etc.

NewLife4Me · 07/09/2015 16:58

It's true OP, you will get such a range on here from those not wanting to be financially dependant on a man to those who would never dream of working for an employer.

I think you should do what makes you happy and what works best for your family.
You have plans of what to do with your time which could mean you find your time during the working day to be better put to use than working.
You don't sound at all short of ideas, or easily bored.

fedupbutfine · 07/09/2015 16:59

how is your own personal situation from a pension point of view? does it match your husbands? could you pick up your career again without retraining if you needed to?

I would suggest you think 'worst case scenario' and assume he may die leaving you with teenagers to support or he runs off with his secretary, leaving you to pick up the pieces. The only thing that will really matter in that case is your pension provision and ability to provide for yourself in the short, medium and long term.

Personally, I would never be dependent on a man again (fingers well and truly burnt!) so if it were to give up working, I would insist in sensible pension provision, regular refreshers and access to industry literature and training, and if you have savings, some kind of personal savings in your name only - call it an emergency fund. I will no doubt be scoffed at for suggesting you 'think the worst' but it is important when you are putting yourself in this kind of position.

Mydearchild · 07/09/2015 17:00

I dont thin that you need to seek the opinion of others on this issue. Its for you and your dh to decide. If he is happy to support you then why not. For me i don't think i would want to be financially reliant on my dh but thats just me.

hattyhatter · 07/09/2015 17:00

This got catty quickly Shock

tipple · 07/09/2015 17:01

Oh and my cousin did this. She gave up work and then after a couple of years her hot shot lawyer husband went off with his secretary. Left without a career she is now training as a nursery nurse and regretting she ever stopped in the first place.

bigkidsdidit · 07/09/2015 17:01

Everyone saying 'teens need you more' - the op is already around from 3pm four days a week. Giving up work would be no advantage in that regard

Original poster
Lauresbadhairday · 07/09/2015 17:03

Thanks for all your thoughts.

I haven't discussed this yet with DH because I'm not sure he will be that keen to go back to being the sole earner in the house (I was a sahm until my youngest was 3) and I don't blame him for that. I wanted some honest opinions before broaching the subject with him. I would only give up work if he was 100% behind me and we need to have a frank discussion about it. He knows how unhappy I am at work at the moment and he will want to be supportive. I can't really reduce my hours much more and tbh have pretty good hours as it is. I just feel burnt out and can't think beyond giving up work.

I think the pension argument is relevant and I agree that you don't know what's around the corner - illness, redundancy etc.

OP posts:
WitchOfAlba · 07/09/2015 17:07

If your DH is happy to support you then why not, but I hope you consider doing some kind of voluntary work to help society as you will have plenty of spare time.

aurorie11 · 07/09/2015 17:08

My next door neighbour at my previous house 'retired' at around 45-50 (from a part-time job in a local shop), and her husband has supported her ever since. They had one DC, in middle teens. From what I saw she lived the life of ; with husband taking more than a half share of home chores including cooking dinner every night when he got home from work.
The only way I could justify to myself to give up work, would be to take on ALL chores including decorating and make more than a half share of chores.

rollonthesummer · 07/09/2015 17:08

I'm sure I would be happier and less stressed.

I'm sure most of the working population would be happier and less stressed if they didn't have to go to work!

If your DH says, 'brilliant,that's fine-I will continue to work every day until I retire whilst you are at home' then you have your answer. If your DH would be pissed off about being the sole earner for the rest of his working life, then YABU!

What does he say?

It would worry me a bit personally that if DH left me, got ill or died then I would be deskilled and out of the workplace too long to be employable.

hattyhatter · 07/09/2015 17:08

Could you be a trustee for a charity? (Esp easy to find if you have finance or marketing skills.) Or do an extra qualification PT over a year or two? Or both?

Something that keeps your CV current and acts as 'insurance'? That way you can have real time out but with a way back. It might reassure your DH too, if he has qualms.

currytoohot · 07/09/2015 17:09

I can only give my experience. I changed jobs when DD was 12 to one which enables me to work from home 3 days a week. This has worked out well as DD had started to push boundaries and up til then had had the house to herself from end of school to 6.30. I believe being at home made teenage years much easier to deal with.

rollonthesummer · 07/09/2015 17:10

Everyone saying 'teens need you more' - the op is already around from 3pm four days a week. Giving up work would be no advantage in that regard

I agree with this, too. You wouldn't be doing it for them-be honest.

NewLife4Me · 07/09/2015 17:12

Witch

wtf should the OP have to volunteer? Shock lovely if that's what she wants to do.
I've been a sahp for 24 years and whilst I've helped friends and neighbours out, given clothes to charity, and volunteered for the odd and I mean odd day at an event, I've not volunteered anything more.

Swipe left for the next trending thread