to give up work and become a SAHM to teenage DCs

[Lauresbadhairday]

I have a reasonably well paid but stressful job. I am lucky to work P/T - one long day (9-7), 3 school hour days (9-3) and a day off per week. Our finances are such that I don't really need to work. Our mortgagee is paid off and DH earns a good enough salary for us to live comfortably.

The bottom line is that I don't enjoy my job anymore and want to give it up. I have no plans to study or get another job but want to be a SAHM. The problem with this is that my DCs are now teenagers (14&13) and are therefore becoming increasingly independent and self-sufficient so I wonder if I am just being lazy and selfish expecting my DH to essentially fund me to stay at home every day. I'm sure I would be happier and less stressed. I enjoy reading, jigsaws, baking so I'm sure I will be able to fill my time plus we have a dog who I will enjoy taking out for long walks. I will of course continue to run the household but I do this already so not much will change in that department.

So AIBU to consider giving up work?

I can just imagine if a man had posted he planned the quit work to laze around doing nothing bar hobbies, he'd be called every name under the sun with the woman being told to leave the lazy thing.

If that hobby was video games I think the internet would explode in outrage.

mother as a writer I can imagine a lot. .

Though it's hard to see how someone can be a terrific patent or partner if they rarely make themselves free for them.

Now I'm not one of those people who think DC need or indeed benefit from parents prioritising them above all else at all times. No. I think we deserve to do things that we want to do or need to do. And interestingly it is only mothers who are urged to do this to be a Good Parent, never fathers.

But anyway the OP has not said she proposes to give up work for the good of her family. She has actually barely mentioned her children other than to say the are increasingly independent. Nor has she mentioned her DH other than to say he would probably not support a plan to be the sole breadwinner.

I can just imagine if a man had posted he planned the quit work to laze around doing nothing bar hobbies, he'd be called every name under the sun with the woman being told to leave the lazy thing

Well, it's funny how seldom it happens isn't it, in fact suspiciously rare.

Maybe, just maybe, its not the fun following hobbies but the taking full responsibility for running the home, sorting the DCs that deters the men.

On the other hand it could be that men are naturally harder working than women and more dedicated to providing for their families, and would throw themselves into cleaning, shopping and cooking if it wasn't for that awful, exhausting and demanding long work day.
Yes, that's obviously the answer, and of course women never do that.

But scooby why would anyone man or woman, take on full responsibility for the home and DC?

That just sounds like such a retrograde step. Unhealthy for the partner taking full responsibility and for the one being absolved of all domestic responsibilities. Unhealthy for the children too, being brought up in such a binary household.

But scooby why would anyone man or woman, take on full responsibility for the home and DC

Usually because the other doesn't pull their weight!

Maybe, just maybe, its not the fun following hobbies but the taking full responsibility for running the home, sorting the DCs that deters the men.

You're on to something there! DH was always very good about sharing childcare (he worked evenings, I worked days when the kids were young) and housekeeping. When he was injured on the job and off work for about 2 years, I'd say our 'division of labour' was 80/20, him doing the lion's share. I asked him at one point if he wanted to stay home and be a SAHD, with the understanding that the division would then be 90/10. He said 'Oh, hell no! That would be too hard!'.

I do hate it that on MN being SAHP is equated with Lazing Around

I had a friend who often wondered out loud what I did all day.

As her husband often cooked, did all paperwork, DIY, garden and other stuff. She also had her mum nearby who often had the children.

For me being SAhP with DH away for weeks at a time, no family nearby, being at home meant Idid everything. Every sock bought and washed by me, every bit if food planned and bought and cooked by me. All bills, insurances, car MOts, senco meetings at school, shelves put up, present buying.. Etc. I did every single thing.

If a nanny did it, it would be called a job and worthwile

If a SAHP does it, on MN it's called lazing about all day

As if

And indeed, suspiciously few men choose this easy life option

Baby, I do all that and work likewise most working parents do. Not everybody has a cleaner etc. So yes, it is rather lazy to not work as an adult.

baby I don't think it's lazy but not do I think it's a good family model.

Maybe we could say that SAHM have weekends and evenings for family time as they do all the work during the day - a bit like many men

If a nanny did it, it would be called a job and worthwile

If a SAHP does it, on MN it's called lazing about all day

And if a working parent does it, it's just the stuff that gets done.

Where that gets difficult is if it's all left to one of the people in the house, when there are men and teenage children who are both perfectly capable of sharing the load.

I am a sahm to teens, yes I have lots of spare time, but I have a dh that is barely here in the week, and knackered ( or playing golf ) at weekends. I think if I had a part or full time job too, the stress would have possibly destroyed our marriage.

I didn't say SAHPs were not good role models, I said that IMVHO, families with binary responsibilities are not a good family model.

A unit where father earns the money and mother does all house and child related activities is not ideal. Surely this is not controversial?

I also question how healthy it is for all chores to be done when children and husband are not around. Surely children need to understand what it takes to run a home? How to keep a reasonable sense of order? How to wash and iron clothes, pay bills etc? I have lots of help in the home but the DC still see me and DH doing domestic things. This is good thing, I think. We still have lots of down time together.

As ever, isn't the best way to have balance?

I'm not saying BTW that chores should be split equally. Not unless both parents work the same hours of course.

But where one partner has less hours in work than the other, it makes sense for them to undertake more. Also worth taking into account strengths and skills. Also likes and dislikes. For example I duck out of admin, because I hate it and DH likes to keep very tight systems. I also duck out of mowing the lawn because my foot simply does not reach the pedal on the ride on.

But I just don't think it's healthy for one partner to duck out of everything.

Then if the woman wants to SAH and is financially secure then why not?

Not for me. I really like working . And it's dead flexible.
But that's not a given.

That said I would say that is still vital that the working parent take responsibility for some child related and household tasks.

OP - I know you have said you work in a niche sector - have you thought about approaching your employer for a sabbatical? You sound like you just need some breathing space!

Sorry if this has been brought up before by PPs (it's a long thread!), but I hope you are able to work out what it is that can make you happy. You are getting a hard time here...but it is a difficult sell to your family if you don't have conviction in what you need out of life, first. Of course everything has consequences on the wider family - but it sounds like time that you focused on yourself, however that manifests. Your family will benefit longer term from a happier you.

Good luck.

If a SAHP does it, on MN it's called lazing about all day

But working parents still have to do all of those things!

Rollon, alone?