to give up work and become a SAHM to teenage DCs

[Lauresbadhairday]

I have a reasonably well paid but stressful job. I am lucky to work P/T - one long day (9-7), 3 school hour days (9-3) and a day off per week. Our finances are such that I don't really need to work. Our mortgagee is paid off and DH earns a good enough salary for us to live comfortably.

The bottom line is that I don't enjoy my job anymore and want to give it up. I have no plans to study or get another job but want to be a SAHM. The problem with this is that my DCs are now teenagers (14&13) and are therefore becoming increasingly independent and self-sufficient so I wonder if I am just being lazy and selfish expecting my DH to essentially fund me to stay at home every day. I'm sure I would be happier and less stressed. I enjoy reading, jigsaws, baking so I'm sure I will be able to fill my time plus we have a dog who I will enjoy taking out for long walks. I will of course continue to run the household but I do this already so not much will change in that department.

So AIBU to consider giving up work?

I don't get the obsession with earning more and more money. Money is important but if you already have enough to get by then it is okay to prioritise other things. It is also fine to want to continue adding to your wealth. It does not make you a better person though. The OP does not know what her OH wants as she has not asked him yet but if he is fine with it then I see no reason why she shouldn't take a break from a job that is sucking her soul. He may earn plenty and not need another income. He may be more interested in his wife's mental health than in getting more money. Having someone at home can reduce the stress levels of all family members in a lot of families. Being a slave to the rat race and working yourself to an early death is not something everyone wants and if you don't need to or want to why would you? I think the OP should speak to her OH about all her options. In her situation I would retrain and get another job. The majority of my post is referring to the general attitude from some posters that working for money is close to godliness. I think if there is already enough money there then more things come into play such as your health, whether you want to spend more time as a family, whether you want to continue to develop your career or branch out elsewhere etc.

My issue is with doing jigsaws and reading - really????? for what, 4 hours a day? or more?

I think if I was you I would get a cleaner in because you cannot possibly think that jigsaws and reading would fill your time unless you are spending many, many hours on housework and cooking already.
So cut the housework and cooking, get DH and DCs to do their share, THEN, when you have all those new hours free to do as you please start looking for something you REAlly want to do. Workwise or as a SAHM.

What do YOU want to do. What interests you, OP?

i could definitely read for 8 or even 12 hours a day, no probs.

Insanity to quit your job like this, and selfish too.

The root cause seems to be that you hate your job rather than you want to retire early (which is exactly what it'll be, not sahm) so why not look into changing your job? Retraining? Anything that isn't dumping all financial responsibility onto one person.

Would your partner be up for you quitting with the sole intention of job hunting/re-training? When I retrained I studied while I worked and after struggling to get into the new industry we had a discussion about my career. Temp/internships were the way in to my industry but they would leave us vulnerable financially so I was loathe to use them. We discussed it, looked at our finances and agreed together that if by X date I hadn't got a perm job I would look to temp or internships and we'd take a temporary financial hit until I could get a permanent job. There was a real possibility that we were going to have to go down to one salary for a while but the difference is we discussed it and came to the agreement together.

You've said your industry is quite niche, but what transferable skills do you have? Or what kind of career would you like to get into?

I don't work and have 2 teens. I have a disability that makes finding a job I would enjoy practically impossible. We're very fortunate in that we don't need the extra as making money comes easy to dh. But if I'm honest- yes, there is a stigma attached to not working (if not in my community than in the wider), and I would say that you have to be very confident in your choices and ready not to give a monkeys what people think.

Having said that life really is too short not to be happy. Have you ever seen on a tombstone "She worked"? If there's nothing that interests you training-wise, take a break at least and just be happy

i could definitely read for 8 or even 12 hours a day, no probs.

I'm glad someone else said that Starling. I was worried it was a sign of laziness to think it

mother

you are so right, I couldn't give a shiny shit what other people think.
They aren't me with my set of circumstances. They have their own stuff to not give a shiny shit about and their own circumstances.

That's why I suggest temporarily stepping back from the job, to regain your health if necessary. Opting out of your financial contribution to the family isn't acceptable though without discussion and agreement from both sides.

You'd think that fathers didn't exist at all from that article! Seems a bit sad to decide just at the point when children usually start to become more independent that you are going to be there all the time (plus 'teen' maternity leave for an eleven year old? You'd think they could at least find an accurate story for their new fad).

I'm not saying that being around for your teenagers isn't important, and obviously some people really struggle to make time once working and commuting take a big chunk of the day, however you don't need to give up work to be a good parent to a teen.

Mother, how would it make a better life for her family? The kids are at school when she works pretty much and the DH won't benefit from a wife that wants to do nothing or contribute nothing whilst gaining the pressure of being the only earner.

It's very selfish to put it all on one person as you don't fancy working, read and do jigsaws in your many evenings. Or use that time to job hunt and switch jobs if unhappy.

Except that my evenings are busy with doing household chores and running the DCs to various clubs etc so I rarely have time to read/do jigsaws which I enjoy.

As many of you have pointed out and I have agreed with this thread has made me realise this is more about me giving up a job I no longer enjoy rather than giving up to be at home for my DCs. In my defence though if I wasn't working I would be able to keep on top of housework, shopping etc during the week therefore freeing up time at the weekends for family stuff. My DH works very long hours so running of the house falls onto me and sometimes I find it all too much together with working a stressful albeit part time job. I often spend my time off thinking/worrying about work leaving me with less emotional bandwidth to deal with teenage traumas.

Anyway I have decided I probably am being selfish and will continue as I am for now. I'm not sure I have the motivation or desire to retrain and I am likely to be seen as 'overqualified' many jobs.

Then you need to work on dealing with your stress OP.
Find ways to stop your work bleeding into non working hours in a negative way. Because that's not good.

Realistically, you have plenty of free time to get household stuff done . No one needs to make it a full time job. You're probably inefficient because you're stressed and unhappy.

Also, you should feel no guilt in carving out free time for doing what you want (jigsaws and reading ). You have enough time. Make some of it for you.

What about getting some outside help in to free you up a bit ? Cleaner, ironing, gardening etc ?

And does your H really work so many hours he cannot do his share especially if he knows how tough you are finding it. I suspect there are more than hints of a relationship issue here too.

YY She.

You have teens in the house - get them to pull their weight. Get everyone takes a turn at cooking and washing up, get everyone to deal with their own laundry and rooms. Make changes with DH - he needs to get involved, I don't buy this 'my DH's job is so stressful he can't wash a dish or take a bin out' thing that you often see here. Join a night class, get yourself out of the house a couple of times a week. Make changes to manage your stress.

Well while you're undecided maybe stick your entire salary in an account and see what it's like not using it. Then when you've decided either way you'll have a lumpa there that hasn't been spent.

Glad you have found some ME time in all this, OP.

Working in a job you don't like, doing housework the rest of the week and devoting yourself to others family time at WEnds sounds fine...... NOT.

You can't be happy and enjoying a fulfilling life on MN, that's too selfish. Put everyone else first OP.

Unless you are forcing DH into a job he dislikes by your choices or leaving the DCs short of homework time due to their chores in the home I would say you can do what the hell you like!

Well you have kind of already shot yourself in the foot then haven't you? With the deciding you don't have motivation etc to retrain and deciding you are over-qualified for other jobs?

What you have essentially done there is keep yourself mentally stuck because the first option - 'give up work altogether' didn't seem viable on reflection.

I bet if you were not so stressed at work you would find your energy and motivation to retrain or apply for other jobs (even if you believe yourself to be overqualified for them) would return quite quickly.

Really you need to change your mindset as right now you have narrowed your options down to only two - 1. is give up this curent job totally which you have dismissed and 2. is carry on as you are, miserable.

You have WAY more options than you are currently allowing yourself.

If you can afford to give up work and your DH is in agreement then you should if that is what you want.
People saying they would not want to be 'dependent' on a man is all very well,..but you are married and a team so you do whatever works for you. It is not being dependent if you are doing all the household chores and being supportive of his job.
SAHMs DO work for FFS - it is just not paid work.
I would give up work today if I could afford it, and do stuff I want to do!

That is exactly it motheroffourdragons. But that seems to be frowned upon in the MN world.

Having a partner who absolves himself of all domestic responsibilities is frowned on by all reasonable people, surely? Not an MN thing!

Who would want one of those?

Many of us have extremely successful partners in demanding jobs who still don't expect to behave as if it's 1950. Indeed they don't want to. They want to play an active role in their DC'S lives which must include taking on some of the responsibility for them and their lives and the family home.

A man who requires every last chore and responsibility sorted by a woman is not worth having. A man who tells his partner that he is not able to do anything due to work is bullshitting. Unless he's away for months at a time. On active service, in deep space or perhaps trawling the Atlantic. Otherwise not so much.

It sounds as if the OP's work life balance is wrong because essentially her dh is treating her as if she was a housewife, expecting her to do everything at home and ignoring the fact that she has a 3/4 time job. Possibly that's just something that has grown up over time but I don't think it's that uncommon.

So is the OP selfish to feel that she has no time for herself, no absolutely not. Everyone should have some time for themselves (for puzzles, reading or whatever else you might fancy). I wonder how much time her husband and children get to have a bit of relaxation or fun?