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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to give up work and become a SAHM to teenage DCs

246 replies

Lauresbadhairday · 07/09/2015 16:10

I have a reasonably well paid but stressful job. I am lucky to work P/T - one long day (9-7), 3 school hour days (9-3) and a day off per week. Our finances are such that I don't really need to work. Our mortgagee is paid off and DH earns a good enough salary for us to live comfortably.

The bottom line is that I don't enjoy my job anymore and want to give it up. I have no plans to study or get another job but want to be a SAHM. The problem with this is that my DCs are now teenagers (14&13) and are therefore becoming increasingly independent and self-sufficient so I wonder if I am just being lazy and selfish expecting my DH to essentially fund me to stay at home every day. I'm sure I would be happier and less stressed. I enjoy reading, jigsaws, baking so I'm sure I will be able to fill my time plus we have a dog who I will enjoy taking out for long walks. I will of course continue to run the household but I do this already so not much will change in that department.

So AIBU to consider giving up work?

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDoggers · 07/09/2015 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 18:12

dancer you're missing the point. You have just trained after being a SAHM for 14 years, and your oldest is 14. The OP is going to start being a SAHM and her oldest is 13. I can't see many employers NOT raising an eyebrow when she says "Yes, I looked after my DC full time from when they were 14 through to 21. No, they don't have SN." That will look weird on a CV and will be easy to decipher from her age when she finally deigns to go back to work.

Narp · 07/09/2015 18:12

I think you've said it - you are burnt out and may be in need of a rest, a change, or a rest and a change.

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 18:13

dawn responsible people make decisions for the future, not just how they feel now Hmm I think CV and re-entering employment vs. expecting her DH to look after her for the rest of her life fall into that category.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 07/09/2015 18:16

The thing that always fascinates me about these and similar threads is the argument that 'DH earns loads more than me anyway', so I may as well give up work. WHY does DH earn more than you? There might be an element of women being discriminated against because of pregnancy/mat leave etc, but I don't think this is true of all cases.

I think lots of women do actively seek a DP who earns more than them. It seems alien/old fashioned to me, as DH and I have always earned similar amounts (I am currently earning a bit more, but this has varied over the years). The fact that DP earns more is then the reason why the woman gives up work once children arrive. I can sort of get that, but I wonder why DP generally seems to earn more in the first place.

Sorry, not strictly relevant to this thread, but I have been wondering this for ages and am pouncing on this opportunity!

Fwiw I feel sorry for men, as they don't seem to have this option to stop work just because they feel stressed. I did this once, when DD2 was small, and DH only told me later how pressured he felt being the sole breadwinner for a short time. Blush I went back to work pretty sharpish and feel very guilty for having put him through this. Sad Why should men have to work even though many of them may hate their jobs too? I think we need to be more selfless - I may have argued that being at home was good for DDs, but it was sure as hell fab for me too. Deadlines, appraisals, difficult bosses, versus being at home with two easy little girls. I was selfish - think about what you are doing OP, and don't be as horrible as I was!

We both work FT now and it just about works. Yes it can get chaotic, esp as DD1 starts her gcses, but we will get through it. Both DDs really respect what I do, and although they must have moments when they'd like me around, it works well for us as a family. And good for them to see working women I think. And the extra money is useful too.

yorkshapudding · 07/09/2015 18:16

I don't think anyone is saying that being a SAHM is the "lazy option". I think they're saying that OP wouldn't actually be giving up her job to be a SAHM. She would be giving up her Job becaus she doesn't like it. Her children are teenagers, they're out at school all day and she's with them most evenings anyway due to her current working hours. If OP wants to give up work and her DH is fine with it then fair enough but I think it would be disingenuous of her to sell it to her DH on the basis that it's 'for the children'.

NewLife4Me · 07/09/2015 18:17

Why do people always assume a sahm gives a flying fig about a cv.
The ones I know left the world of cv's when they gave up work, because they DON"T NEED THEM ANYMORE Grin
Does it really take a lot of intelligence to work that out?
Sure, some go back to work and only temporary become sahp when dc are little, but that's a few years out of the workplace.

rollonthesummer · 07/09/2015 18:18

It's irrelevant what we think really. If your dh isn't happy and you have to persuade him-it'll probably cause resentment further down the line.

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 18:20

NewLife4Me A lot of intelligence? Does it take a lot of intelligence to work out that the OP won't actually be a SAHM because her kids are almost grown up?

ssd · 07/09/2015 18:22

teens often need a parent much more than littlies

I'd do it op, then when the kids are grown consider retraining for something you'd enjoy

There's an awful lot of bitterness on this thread coming from others who dont have the op's choices?!

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 18:24

It's only a choice if her DH agrees, and it doesn't sound like he'd be over the moon about it (can't imagine why Hmm)

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 07/09/2015 18:26

I don't think it's bitterness, ssd. I think people are pointing out that her DH has to be 100% behind this and it doesn't sound like he will be.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 07/09/2015 18:28

Not working just because you have children is lazy though, they expect their partners to work to provide for everything they need financially when they could easily do it themselves but don't want too. Many parents manage to work and parent.

Raskoln is right, many seek out a partner based on their earnings so they don't need to work. They see it as a mans job to work and provide and are very much stuck on the past. The man gets no choice and has to shoulder that responsibility whilst likely sacrificing time with his children.

Men are streets ahead in the workplace because they tend to work harder, don't take time out etc. It would be better for children to see a more equal world where both sexes work and can achieve whatever they set their mind too rather than daughters be taught to stay home and find a rich husband and boys believing that work is only what men do.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 07/09/2015 18:31

ssd don't be silly.

It's the OP who doesn't have a real choice. Why? Because her DH does not support her not working. So her choices are work and not like it or don't work and piss off her DH.

Great choices there! I for one am consumed by jealousy!

WyrdByrd · 07/09/2015 18:32

I sympathise with you re the job situation - there's nothing more soul destroying that having to go into a job you really dislike several days a week.

You've already said that you can't reduce your hours, but have you tried looking for another job - something with fewer hours and less stress?

From a children POV, I think sometimes teens need their parents around as much if not more than primary kids. Certainly one of my close friends worked fulltime until her DD was about 11, then went part-time and eventually worked from home, and I'm finding myself that my DD needs me more the older she gets. I was hoping to increase my hours when she starts secondary next year but can't see it happening at the moment.

You will need the full support of your DH though, and in all honesty I'm not sure about the wisdom of totally giving up work. I think for your own sake it would be better to take a few months out completely but then consider other options beyond pottering at home.

yorkshapudding · 07/09/2015 18:34

I'm not sure I understand this argument of 'teenagers need you more'. They don't need you when they're out at school all day, surely? I understand that a teenage DC might need a greater level of emotional support from a parent due to the social and academic pressure of school becoming more intense, problems with friendships, exam stress etc. But they're only actually at home for you to give them that support in the evenings and on weekends, which is when OP would be there anyway due to her current working hours Confused. OP, I'm not criticising, I just think you might have more sucess selling the idea to your DH if you're upfront about your motivations (being unhappy at work as you said in your OP) rather than trying to make out that this is something the DC need. If I was in his position I'd feel it was an attempt at manipulation.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/09/2015 18:34

The op doesn't have the op's choices ssd - she's already said she doesn't think her DP would be happy being the sole breadwinner.

Original poster
Lauresbadhairday · 07/09/2015 18:39

I would only go ahead with the full support of DH. I will certainly have the discussion with him. I think this is more about not enjoying my job to the extent that I dread going in every day rather than needing to be at home for my DCs as my hours mean I am at home 4 evenings out of 5 anyway. At the moment I just can't see beyond giving up but this thread has helped me realise that there is more to consider.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 07/09/2015 18:39

What a strange post ssd! The OP has already said her husband won't be happy about it, so it's not exactly her being really fortunate in having this option, is it?!

Op-you're already at home from 3pm four nights out of 5!! How would bring at home during the day-when your teens are at school-benefit them?

vodkaredbullgirl · 07/09/2015 18:41

Is there not something else you could do job wise if you dont like your job.

I would love to give up work but think it would drive me insane lol. As im a single mum to 1 nearly 16 yr old and and 18 yr old of to Uni, i dont have a choice.

Good job i love my job lol

Spartans · 07/09/2015 18:42

It's really a family decision. However you are doing it to be a sahm. Your hours allow you to be there most of the time anyway. The claim you are doing it for them is strictly true. But if you do it, it's up to you and your dh.

Personally, I wouldnt. I would never been financially dependent on my partner. Not would I want to be the sole earner in a family. Obviously it can happen and can't be avoided, but I wouldn't support dh just choosing not to work.

Obviously many people do give up their independence and become sahm. That's fine too just not for me.

I do think if a woman posted here and said her dh works part time and wants to give it up to read and do jigsaws people would call him a cock lodger. They would also point out that it's not really being a sahp either. Add on the one left doing the earning not being happy about it and mn would be in uproar.

yorkshapudding · 07/09/2015 18:42

OP, is there are reason why you couldnt look at changing jobs? Something with similar hours but less stressful? I know you've said you "can't see past giving up work" but there may be other jobs out there that you would enjoy and then you wouldn't have to worry about DH being the sole breadwinner.

MarshaBrady · 07/09/2015 18:42

I'd make it less about your children and focus on doing work you don't dislike. As it won't make much difference to them. Unless you do have to find school holiday care, then that will be handy.

Spartans · 07/09/2015 18:44

Op I have been there. Literally in tears when I was heading to work. You need to change jobs. At the very least. It's not a good way to live.

You may have to compromise on hours, but it will be worth it in the end.

Greenpickachu · 07/09/2015 18:45

I think it's great if someone leaves a P/T job to become a SAHM it opens up the position for someone else who may really want it so it's win win all round.

After a while you may find a job that you really like instead of slogging away at one that you don't want or need.

I'm forced into being a SAHM because I lost my job recently so you leaving yours would help someone like me who is a single mum (or not) and really wants a job.

I would love to be in a position to enjoy being a SAHM but I'm finding it quite stressful so I would love to be happy, financially comfortable and relaxed in your position.

Honestly just do it and relax and enjoy life and do as you wish, I would if I could.