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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to give up work and become a SAHM to teenage DCs

246 replies

Lauresbadhairday · 07/09/2015 16:10

I have a reasonably well paid but stressful job. I am lucky to work P/T - one long day (9-7), 3 school hour days (9-3) and a day off per week. Our finances are such that I don't really need to work. Our mortgagee is paid off and DH earns a good enough salary for us to live comfortably.

The bottom line is that I don't enjoy my job anymore and want to give it up. I have no plans to study or get another job but want to be a SAHM. The problem with this is that my DCs are now teenagers (14&13) and are therefore becoming increasingly independent and self-sufficient so I wonder if I am just being lazy and selfish expecting my DH to essentially fund me to stay at home every day. I'm sure I would be happier and less stressed. I enjoy reading, jigsaws, baking so I'm sure I will be able to fill my time plus we have a dog who I will enjoy taking out for long walks. I will of course continue to run the household but I do this already so not much will change in that department.

So AIBU to consider giving up work?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/09/2015 18:47

ssd I have as many choices as I wish to have

no bitterness here

AcrossthePond55 · 07/09/2015 18:47

Honestly, with the shite that teens are exposed to and/or get into, not to mention the academic stress, I think it's better to have a SAHP in the teen years than in their younger years!

But you obviously do need to talk to your DH and both of you should agree to it.

ssd · 07/09/2015 18:50

The op said she isn't sure if her dh will be supportive as she hasnt had the discussion yet, so all the posts saying her dh is against it are wrong

LieselVonTwat · 07/09/2015 18:53

OP you mention you don't think DH will be up for it. You also feel the pensions argument is relevant, which suggests your provision isn't such that you'd be putting yourself at risk by stopping work. Both of those things seem to indicate you'd be better off dropping this job rather than work altogether.

NewLife, I think the people talking about CVs are referring to the possibility that OP might, for whatever reason, either want to or have to get back into work at some point. She doesn't mention her age, but given the age of the kids she's not likely to be more than earlyish 50s- plenty of time left before retirement.

ArendelleQueen · 07/09/2015 18:56

If I hated my job and had the fortune of being a position where I could afford to retrain/find a new career, I'd do it. Why sit at home doing jigsaws when you could do something you enjoy?

Babyroobs · 07/09/2015 18:57

As long as you consider all the options it's up to you. personally I would be worried about being financially dependent on someone else. What if the marriage broke down, would it be relatively easy for you to re-enter the workforce after a few years out?

MarshaBrady · 07/09/2015 18:58

Yes agree with that. You probably have the usual reaction to a loathed job - the idea of doing very little. But when you stop you could find renewed energy to do something much more enjoyable.

ssd · 07/09/2015 18:58

but maybe the op would enjoy sitting at home doing a few jigsaws till she decides what she actually wants to do?

Kryten2X4B523P · 07/09/2015 19:01

If you're stressed to the point that all you want to do is stop working, maybe you'll feel different in 6 months. Agree with Liesel that it may be better to leave this job first, then make a decision about working in general.

Another option could be for you to take a career break, 6/12 months whatever, and see how you feel after that. You could then choose to return to work, perhaps something completely different or volunteer or study or do anything you want.

amicissimma · 07/09/2015 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenfolder · 07/09/2015 19:05

Decide that you are going to change your job rather than give up. Not only is pension a consideration but honestly you have no idea how much teens and young adults can cost. Especially if they do not qualify for full student loan due to dps income. This year dds loan does not even cover rent. She is in her last year so I don't want her to work more than 15 hrs a week so we will be making up the shortfall in rent plus giving her 300 a month- she's im London. Meanwhile 150 a month for dd2 to get to fe college and driving lessons at 25 a pop. I want to reduce my hours but want the oldest 2 through college first

LieselVonTwat · 07/09/2015 19:05

Yes maybe ssd. Sometimes people can only think clearly once they're out of a particular situation. It's just DH will have to be up for it, and obviously leaving a job with nothing to go to and no plan is never risk free. But it may be that this is a situation where a career break would be best. Depends also on OPs age, industry and qualifications of course.

l12ngo · 07/09/2015 19:05

I think it's important if you are going to talk to him you give him a genuine choice. If you hate your job that much but go in for a chat knowing he's likely to be against it there's a good chance you'll feel a bit resentful. Unless you can resist that then he's pretty much screwed whatever he decides and may in turn feel resentful against you.

Is there really no other job out there for you that you could enjoy, even if it's a bit less money for the family?

ssd · 07/09/2015 19:06

yes, it all depends on your chat with your dh, you may find he would prefer you to quit your job and take some time out, good luck with it all op.

TenQuidProQuo · 07/09/2015 19:08

And then what will she do, having gotten used to staying at home doing jigsaws?

Darn, my secrets out Shock Blush

LieselVonTwat · 07/09/2015 19:09

Re child benefit- I think OPs kids might be too old for her to be able to get an NI credit for claiming it? But you can always look to pay NI contributions optionally. OP is there room in the budget for this? Would probably be prudent, if you decide to give up work entirely.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 07/09/2015 19:11

Also a partner can pay into a private pension for an unwaged person. There's a pretty low limit on it (it won't end up a pension you can live on) but it is something.

Dixiechickonhols · 07/09/2015 19:13

NI credit is if your child is under 12.

ssd · 07/09/2015 19:13

I sometimes think on here its all "get a cv/great career". "dont rely on a man EVER", "My parents worked full time and I never seen them and I'm just GREAT!"

well, sometimes folk dont want to work in a job they hate if their dh earns enough to pay their way, sometimes parents actually would like to be about for their teenagers instead of just hoping for the best, and if someone wants to give up work for a while and take it easy, good for them, as long as it doesnt cause a family bust up of course

SheGotAllDaMoves · 07/09/2015 19:15

ssd op has not mentioned wanting to be around more for her teens. She says her current hours mean they are well cared for.

OTheHugeManatee · 07/09/2015 19:15

I think it would be really unfair on your DH to stop work permanently. Effectively you'd be retiring in your forties, on his ticket. In his shoes I'd resent you for doing this.

OTOH if you are miserable at work and want to take a break while you find something better that is not an unreasonable thing to ask him to support.

Sallystyle · 07/09/2015 19:19

I couldn't ever not work when the children were all in school while my husband supported me. I would feel guilty that I get to stay at home while he has to go to work.

My dh doesn't work but he is disabled and can't. He finds it very hard and guilt inducing that I now work and he genuinely can't. No way would he want me to support him if he was capable of working.

Each to their own and all that but I could not in good conscience put all the responsibility of earning onto one person when the children are all in school and there are no disabilities etc.

WyrdByrd · 07/09/2015 19:21

I think there is a 'headspace' element here...it's not so easy to provide teens with the support they need if you're constantly worn down and stressed out through work.

Being physically there doesn't mean you are emotionally in the best place to provide for the needs of others, particularly if you're all arriving home at the same time and you have to do an instant switch from business-head to mum-head.

NewLife4Me · 07/09/2015 19:32

There is no way mine when they were teens would have had the same opportunities as I was able to give them by not working.
The same with my dd up until now.
I think it depends on what you want for your children tbh.
You are still able to do things for them when they are at school to free up more time to do the things they enjoy.
As for conscience both me and dh couldn't or wouldn't want us both working ft and being frazzled having to plan everyday down to the last nano second would drive us mental.
Not being able to choose what we want to do and when, having to get up at the same time everyday and do the same thing day in day out.
Some people thrive on this though and love this lifestyle.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 07/09/2015 19:35

What opportunities newlife?

I thought I saw you on another thread saying you didn't think you did enough to support your sons' education and regretted that. Apologies if I've mixed you up with another poster.