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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to give up work and become a SAHM to teenage DCs

246 replies

Lauresbadhairday · 07/09/2015 16:10

I have a reasonably well paid but stressful job. I am lucky to work P/T - one long day (9-7), 3 school hour days (9-3) and a day off per week. Our finances are such that I don't really need to work. Our mortgagee is paid off and DH earns a good enough salary for us to live comfortably.

The bottom line is that I don't enjoy my job anymore and want to give it up. I have no plans to study or get another job but want to be a SAHM. The problem with this is that my DCs are now teenagers (14&13) and are therefore becoming increasingly independent and self-sufficient so I wonder if I am just being lazy and selfish expecting my DH to essentially fund me to stay at home every day. I'm sure I would be happier and less stressed. I enjoy reading, jigsaws, baking so I'm sure I will be able to fill my time plus we have a dog who I will enjoy taking out for long walks. I will of course continue to run the household but I do this already so not much will change in that department.

So AIBU to consider giving up work?

OP posts:
LobsterQuadrille · 07/09/2015 19:38

I'm a single parent and the sole breadwinner and have taken several six to 12 month "career breaks" in between jobs over the last 18 years (DD is nearly 18). I just make sure that I save enough when I am working to make it possible to have gaps between jobs and know of several other people, both with and without partners, who do the same. I'd hate to be financially dependent upon somebody else and it would affect my view of myself even if not anyone else's. As for SAHMs not worrying about CVs - there are plenty of stories on the Relationships board typed by women who've had rude awakenings after assuming that they were in happy marriages. Sorry to be cynical but you can never tell what's around the corner (and yes, including redundancy or death of a partner too).

NewLife4Me · 07/09/2015 19:40

That's right She

It was ds2 who refused to do homework iirc. I wish I had done more in terms of standing over him with a stick, because I'm sure this is the only thing that could work.

I refer to the endless cross country ferrying around for their sport when they were teens.
Too far for them to go by themselves, so I met them with tea and we'd travel together unless dh was able to take one or both depending on who was playing that day.
The same with dd with dancing first and then music.
Because I didn't work we were able to fit in with whatever it was they needed to do, whereas if we'd both worked we wouldn't have managed it and they'd have had fewer opportunities.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 07/09/2015 19:42

Oh I see.

But I do all that and work. It's fine. Not an either or thing at all. And OP could certainly do that with her hours if that was something her DC wanted/needed.

That's not to say she should work if her DH is happy to support and she doesn't want to. But trying to dress up work as not compatible with DC is a bit pathetic.

Shutthatdoor · 07/09/2015 19:42

The op said she isn't sure if her dh will be supportive as she hasnt had the discussion yet, so all the posts saying her dh is against it are wrong

She has said he may not want to go back to being the sole earner again, which to me points that there has been resentment in the past.

On this occasion I don't blame him. How would the OP feel if her DH came home and said he wanted to give up his job, to read books and do jigsaws the amount of time the OP is home already makes the 'being there' for DC a mute point

MarshaBrady · 07/09/2015 19:45

Being stuck in a job that's making you miserable is horrible and stressful. So focus on getting out of that.

I don't blame you, that is not great, no matter your dc's ages.

NewLife4Me · 07/09/2015 19:48

SheGot

I'm sorry, but I doubt it unless of course you had a job that allowed you to leave whenever you wanted to.
Many working parents fit in extra curricular activities with their dc. However, by not working we were very fortunate to be able to put these as a priority rather than them have to fit in around our work.
Mine played at very high levels though.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 07/09/2015 19:52

I have very flexible work. As does DH. Lots of people do.

But frankly it's a bit rich to lecture folk about the need to be around for teenagers when your child goes to boarding school.

rollonthesummer · 07/09/2015 19:52

I wonder how the people on this thread who are telling OP to ignore all the negative people and go for it would react if their DH came home one day and said he wanted to give up work for good and do jigsaws and 'be there' for the teens?

MarshaBrady · 07/09/2015 19:53

It's easy to do sports clubs straight after school isn't it, no ferrying, and finishing later.

MarshaBrady · 07/09/2015 19:54

Any clubs, not just sport, that is.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 07/09/2015 19:57

DS is at sports training tonight. He went straight from school. DH will pick him up, like all the other dads, who I'm assuming have not felt the need to give up their jobs to facilitate this.

vodkaredbullgirl · 07/09/2015 20:00

If i was with someone and they said they wanted to give up work, id be playing merry hell lol

NewLife4Me · 07/09/2015 20:02

SheGot

I'm not lecturing anybody, or at least I don't think I was.
It's a case of lifestyle choice.
My dc have come first in every aspect of my life from birth to 16, it was my choice. It's not a competition, but a choice.
As for boarding was I supposed to say no and not put her wishes first.
When she wanted to be H.ed was I supposed to say no, I'm going to get a job so you'll have to forgo your dreams.
So no lecture, but an example of somebody choosing to do something different to suit the needs of their family.
I don't think I'm better than anybody else or that anybody else is better than me.

Olivepip59 · 07/09/2015 20:08

I gave up work to be at home for my teens and didn't care what anyone thought.

They were able to do far more extra-curricular stuff as we live in a remote place. As did their mates; I usually ended up with the same kids in my car night after night.

They still come by and say hello when they're home - and my DC are grateful for all the support during exams they had. I was lucky, and so were they. If you can, why not?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/09/2015 20:14

OP finishes her work at 3 three times a week, working till 7 one day a week. I can't see that bring a major barrier to sporting activiites tbh.

NewLife4Me · 07/09/2015 20:16

Olive

It was similar for us but we were huge town and the clubs offered were all just extra curricular activities for fun. Drop off and pick up after work etc.
My 2 ds (grown ups now) were very talented in sport and we had to travel huge distances, during most people's working times.
The same with dd and her music, she left school for opportunities to travel for work. I was expected to be a chaperone for her and not sure a nanny or child minder would have wanted the responsibility or known enough about the industry.
But hey, other people do this whilst at work Grin

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/09/2015 20:17

I work from home and have built up a successful business working round school hours. If anything happened to DH/us I'd be able to ramp that up significantly within 6 months to something that could support as all. And I do all the school pick ups/ferrying around. I have flexibility and independence as well as a safety net.

I used to hate my job too.

Not a stealth boast - simply saying there are different options - not just 'do a job you hate' vs 'baking and jigsaws'.

AyeAmarok · 07/09/2015 20:34

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AnyFucker · 07/09/2015 20:42

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SheGotAllDaMoves · 07/09/2015 20:42

lonny I do a lot of my work at home or on the hoof too.

This has meant I've been able to ensure I can work and do whatever the family needs too. I actually wrote one of my books whilst chaperoning my DD when she appeared in a show.

Now DH is also pretty flexible so things are pretty straightforward. I happily have taken one some fixed hour work outside the home because he can do the necessary.

NewLife4Me · 07/09/2015 20:46

AF
never considered that.
could just be another unconventional person.
I'm sure people thought troll when I first started posting. Now, I think they are thinking weirdo.

vodkaredbullgirl · 07/09/2015 20:48

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Original poster
Lauresbadhairday · 07/09/2015 20:50

I wish I hadn't mentioned the jigsaws. I was just merely illustrating that I could easily fill my time at home with inexpensive hobbies.

This thread has made me realise that it would probably not be fair on DH for me to give up work without having some sort of contingency plan in place. I certainly accept that I can't use the DCs as my reason for wanting to stop work although I would say that whilst I am currently physically around for them I do think if I wasn't so stressed and preoccupied with work I would be more available to them emotionally.

For those who say would I do the same if it was my DH wanting to give up work - I would like to think that if he was as unhappy at work as I am and we could afford it then I would support him. Fwiw he loves his job and finds it difficult to understand how much I struggle.

Also if I had to work to put a roof over our head and food on the table then obviously I would not be considering this.

OP posts:
MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 07/09/2015 20:51

Hi there,
There seems to be some confusion re HQ's fondness for trollhunting on thread... could everyone please have a look at www.mumsnet.com/info/netiquette?

nooka · 07/09/2015 20:51

When my dh was a SAHD he was there for our children all the time but we couldn't afford for them to do many extra curricular activities. Now we both work we can sign them up for all the out of school and holiday activities they desire. It's great not to have that worry any more. I think it's fairly rarely one or the other, many permutations in between.

In practice though this is fairly irrelevant as the OP hasn't said that there are any child related factors playing in her decision. Essentially she 'just' hates her job and want to give it up. Which is totally fair enough, I just don't think her solution is the right one. I also think it's not a great option for her children. My ds started to develop quite a bad attitude towards his dad when he was still at home, he felt that as I worked and they went to school that his father was slacking off and respect became a bit of an issue. It's been much better now we are all working/at school, and enabled us to give more responsibility to our children which I think is very important.