to give up work and become a SAHM to teenage DCs

[Lauresbadhairday]

I have a reasonably well paid but stressful job. I am lucky to work P/T - one long day (9-7), 3 school hour days (9-3) and a day off per week. Our finances are such that I don't really need to work. Our mortgagee is paid off and DH earns a good enough salary for us to live comfortably.

The bottom line is that I don't enjoy my job anymore and want to give it up. I have no plans to study or get another job but want to be a SAHM. The problem with this is that my DCs are now teenagers (14&13) and are therefore becoming increasingly independent and self-sufficient so I wonder if I am just being lazy and selfish expecting my DH to essentially fund me to stay at home every day. I'm sure I would be happier and less stressed. I enjoy reading, jigsaws, baking so I'm sure I will be able to fill my time plus we have a dog who I will enjoy taking out for long walks. I will of course continue to run the household but I do this already so not much will change in that department.

So AIBU to consider giving up work?

Nobody ever lay on their deathbed and wished they'd done more jigsaws!

Imperial

I can't imagine being on mine thinking, if only I had had a job or career

You need to speak to DH but don't tell him it's because you want to do jigsaws

To be honest your're at home a lot so your reasoning that you'll see more of your teenage DC's don't make sense to me.

If it works for your family then give up your job.

But I am a SAHM and I am desperate to work!!, I was made redundant two years ago and I have had no success since. I would love your work hours.

I would maybe look for a new job instead.

on the other hand, no one lay on their death bed wishing they had spent more time stressed at work

I think they key here is to sort the job situation, one way or the other

my 78 yo MIL spends her time doing jigsaws....OP, your working life may be far from over, I would look to retrain or do something different

I'm a SAHM with teenage children. I wouldn't tell you to do it or not to do it - that is for you and your dh to decide - but I would say, in favour of not doing it, that I regret getting myself into the situation I am now in, not because it isn't fulfilling because, like all things, it is what you make it, but I do feel like I am missing out a bit on working life. My dh would like me to work too, not for financial reasons, but because he can see that I am missing the intellectual and social stimulus of work. It can be hard in the face of all the stress that goes with working to realise the positives it gives you too.

All in all, I would probably agree with others here and suggest you either reduce your hours or, if that is not possible or you really want to leave the line of work you are in, look for another less stressful job.

I am saddened but not surprised to read the comments along the lines of SAHMdom being the lazy option. Thanks for that, sisters.

If your job is making you unhappy, you change your job. Thousands of people do it every week, after all.

Giving up the whole notion of work seems like a massive over-reaction. I bet the jigsaws would pale when you're on your hundredth blue sky...

*I haven't discussed this yet with DH because I'm not sure he will be that keen to go back to being the sole earner in the house (I was a sahm until my youngest was 3) and I don't blame him for that.

So you know he won'the be keen being the sole earner already then .

Seriously can't see him being happy about you giving up work to do jigsaws and read. the thing about being around for your DC doesn't wash as you are there 3 evenings out if 5 anyway

Do what you want - it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. However, it does sound as if you have good hours for having the best of both worlds at the moment (though what happens in school holidays?) I'm a bit like CQ in that my DH works very weird and unpredictable hours coupled with the fact that we move all over the world with his job which necessitates lots of enforced idleness (in the sense of not having paid employment) for me, but I've found that very necessary when it comes to settling the DCs into various new, foreign schools (coupled with the fact that they are in the French system so I don't feel I can take my eye off the ball in the same way I could if they were cruising through a British education). I would agree they need you more rather than less when they are teenagers and their needs are less easily met by other people, but I don't see your existing hours as a problem to that. I think if your DH is ok with it it's nobody's business but your own. And you are not necessarily ruling out doing something else, just not straightaway. In fact taking time out might help you think about what that might be.

Sorry lots of typos

I think your hours sound amazing! And I wouldn't have thought you would easily get another job with those hours. Teenagers do need you more than you think but you're already around quite a lot.

Why do you hate your job so much? Can you do anything to change that?

If it works for you and your husband, that's fine. I currently have to rely on my partner and it's bloody awful. Not because he is abusive in anyway (!) but because I hate that I have no independance in terms of money. Plus, I hate not working, even when I dislike the job I am doing. If we had the spare funds, I would absolutely be doing something for myself, if not working, then studying.

I cannot agree that teens need you more now than ever. They need you, but they are also beginning to find their own place in the world. Yes, exams are stressful, but I think it's worse with a parent constantly around. Or at least, I think I would have gone mad if my mum quit work and was around all the time during that period - enough is expected without a parent hovering around all the time. As my mother told me "I'll help you any time leading up to your exams, if you ask - but I can't be there with you when you sit them, so you have to learn how to cope now". Your current working hours suggests that you're around most of the time anyway - doing it to "become a SAHP" would probably end up being disappointing for you to be honest, especially since they are very likely to be leaving within a short time. If you do give up work, find something that makes you happy in the long term, not to look after children who are barely children anymore.

I gave up my job as an Account Manager in April. The main reason is it was massively stressful. We have three dc's, 10, 5, 2. We were rushing home at night time, throwing a quick dinner together and rushing them through dinner,bath, bed and mornings were stressful as my middle child would always cry and cling to me not wanting to go to the childminder (who was costing us a fortune too) I was working every Saturday, occasional Sunday's which my husband found hard when alone with the kids. We decided me being at home would be best and we could afford it on his wage as he's self employed.

Anyway, I really regret it now. Iv enjoyed it but I'm ready to go back. Its actually harder having hardly any break from the kids very often. Work was like a break. I miss the cash I use to earn ALOT. I wish id just moved to a new job with less hours and no weekend work.

I think you need to speak to your husband especially if he wouldn't be happy really.

Tell you what as well, the redundancy threat is very real. My DH is nearly 50, very senior and very expensive. We more or less accept that he will be made redundant in the next 5 years and that, while he'll still find work, it won't be at that level. We're saving like mad to get the mortgage cleared.

Older, senior (expensive) men are extremely vulnerable to this sort of cull. IME, women are less vulnerable, usually because they've downgraded their career or reduced their hours for childcare over their working lives - they just aren't such a big cost to the business. It's a side-affect of sexism and you need to think very carefully about what would happen to your family should this happen to DH once you'd stopped working.

Being a SAHP isn't a lazy option if you do things with your time. I am SAH to a 6 and 5 year old - as well as running the household, I volunteer at a nursery, hold a treasury position and help to run a local music group. These are all things that I would definitely not have time to do if I was in paid employment. I get a bit fed up of SAHP particularly with regards to the argument about intellectual stimulation - I had a reasonably successful career and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the work I do now is more intellectually stimulating and so much more rewarding. If your DH is happy for you to give up work I would say go for it but with all the skills you have volunteer for something - this is what makes being a SAH so rewarding.

If your DH is happy for you to give up work I would say go for it

The point is though, it doesn'the sound as if he is going up be...

Well you wouldn't really be a SAHM would you if your children are teens - you'd be unemployed.
If you hate your job why not switch to one that you find less stressful.

It seems a bit unfair to expect your husband to support you while you sit around doing jigsaws. However, if he agrees to do it, then its up to both of you how you want to live.
I'm prepared for the following mumsnet post though..."I gave up work to sit around and do jigsaws, and my nasty awful husband has just left me for someone who he says is more independent. He's so nasty, he won't pay me any alimony, and I can't possibly return to the workplace after a couple of years of sitting at home doing jigsaws. How am I going to be able to afford to wear Boden anymore and keep the 4x4??" If you choose to give up your own career prospects for no benefit to your husband (unlike if you had young children), then you can't really expect alimony if you end up divorced. Divorce is a fact of life nowadays.

Boden and 4x4?

I think that fundamentally yes you are hoping that your dh will fund you to stay at home every day, probably for the rest of your life. If you stop work now it really isn't for your children's sake, but for your sake, so yes that is quite selfish, especially as you know that it will likely make your dh unhappy.

My dh was a SAHD when my children were in late primary school and although it was lovely to have all home stuff taken care of the financial stress was really horrible for me. The fact that he was really enjoying his life made it worse, I felt really stuck and quite angry and resentful.

It's much better now that he is back in work, and it hasn't really made a huge difference to how much housework etc I do as our teenagers now pull their weight too. They don't need much day time support, just lots of interest in their lives, relationships, courses and future choices all of which can easily be done at the weekends and evenings.

The other issue is that if you stop work now I assume probably in your late 30s/early forties it really might be it for a decently paid job, even if you only plan another career break of say 5 years or so. So you may be asking your dh to support you for ever, meaning that any prospects for him to scale down towards retirement may go out of the window.

And then what will she do, having gotten used to staying at home doing jigsaws? (Not to mention how this is going to look on her CV ...)

Rubbish. My dc are a bit younger - 14, 12 and 8 and have just retrained in a new field after being a SAHM for 14 years. I haven't even got a CV and no-one asked me how I filled my time once my dc were at full time school.

People are living and working longer, it's quite common to start a new career later in life even after a gap.

Harsh but true, harshbuttrue.

Don't you have to be searching for work and claiming unemployment benefit to be classed as unemployed.
I don't class myself as unemployed as I don't want a job.
If you have children and don't work then you are a mum who stays at home, unless there's something better to call yourself.
I suppose apart from weekends and holidays I'm a retired sahm then.
I don't think I'm lazy at all, although I can be if I want to be.

Exasperated apparently missed work a lot. When I became a SAHM everyone said I'd miss the stimulation, adult conversation etc but I didn't miss work one little bit! Nobody can know if you'll regret your choice but you.

I knew that I wouldn't regret giving up my executive job. We've managed financially even though I had been the higher wage earner by giving up some luxuries. And it was me that gave up not DH because I wanted to be with the DC while DH actually enjoyed his job.

I'm working again now because we need the money. We share the housework and cooking etc now and DC let themselves in. None of us is particularly happy with the arrangement but needs must!

On MN you'll get very different opinions. Mine is that if your DH agrees go ahead and keep house, do jigsaws and walk the dog. It's nobody else's business but yours.

If it works for your family that's all that matters.
But since the financial crisis it's no joke trying to get back into the job market, believe me.
I was in NHS admin before I had ds2 but now can only get nmw retail work.