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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry that my DH has sold my car to buy himself a new one.

260 replies

Deeznutz · 03/09/2015 14:53

I am probably BU but am feeling more upset today than I thought I would. My DH bought me my dream little car for a special birthday three years ago ( a second hand fiat but I loved it) .For the last year he has been going on about how much it costs to run two cars and how I could do all my shopping online. We have a comfortable income which we both contribute towards.

I have felt a bit pressured into it if I'm being honest. I am a carer and he is a top civil servant although I was working in a good career until my son was diagnosed with autism and other disabilities.

In the last few weeks he went out and bought a large car putting my car and his three year old car towards it plus some savings.I said I wanted to see it first because we are supposed to be sharing it and I have only driven small cars and feel unsure about driving something so big. He bought it when I was caring for the children saying it was such a good deal he couldn't wait. He registered my car in his name despite the fact it was supposed to be a gift for me and just went and traded it in.

I think today I have had a delayed reaction as I feel uncharacteristically furious. I never cry but just can't seem to stop bursting into tears. It takes forty minutes to walk to my nearest town and I have a dog to walk as well ( it needs an 1.5 hours) that he got and never walks himself so it has fallen to me to pick up the slack. I have never expressed a desire to own a dog and don't enjoy having one. I recognise that family life is about compromise but it seems as if I am the only one compromising.

He is currently trying to smooze me which is making me angrier and angrier.

AIBU?

OP posts:
y0rkier0se · 03/09/2015 14:55

YANBU, you need to retain some independence, I'm not saying he's controlling but you'll lose who you are if you've given up your career, and now your freedom to go anywhere :-(

OxfordCommoner · 03/09/2015 14:55
Shock

Yanbu at all. What a wanky thing for him to do.

londonrach · 03/09/2015 14:56

Yabu. Did he ask you before selling his birthday present to you. Hugs. I love my old car id be really upset if anymore sold it from underneath me. Xx

londonrach · 03/09/2015 14:56

Yanbu..extra n..silly ipad

AnUtterIdiot · 03/09/2015 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrockAuLit · 03/09/2015 14:58

YANBU. He has ridden roughshod over you. Your thoughts and feelings didn't matter to him. I too would feel hurt, sidelined, ignored, taken for granted. The dog thing would make me feel as though my role in his life was to do his grunt work for him.

I would have a serious discussion about the dog, tell him you just don't want the extra work. If he wants to keep the dog, he has to walk it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/09/2015 14:58

How often are you going to have the use of this new car? I'd rather have 7 days a week of a rubbish car than 1 day a week of a good one. YANBU.

MadrigalElectromotive · 03/09/2015 14:58

YANBU. I'd be fucking furious. Is he controlling in other ways?

strawberrypenguin · 03/09/2015 14:59

YANBU I'd be insisting that you are going to go and buy yourself a replacement car. He's effectively taken away your independence.

JeffsanArsehole · 03/09/2015 15:00

You are just as entitled to go and buy yourself a car

I would do so if I were you, you don't need his permission. It's family money.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/09/2015 15:02

He just made your life more difficult and a bit shitter. Does he care? Because if he doesn't...

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 03/09/2015 15:02

I'm astounded that he thought that was a reasonable thing to do. How selfish of him. I think you need to sit him and down and outline very clearly how isolating it is not to have a car and how out of order it was of him to make a unilateral decision

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 03/09/2015 15:03

I would be fuming too. There is more to life than shopping!
How about he waits in for the shopping while he is walking his dog and you go out in the family car?

Also, I think phoning him up every time your ds needs something will be good. Ooh, can you just nip home so we can go to the chemist for medicine?
Can you just take us to this friends house for half an hour? The park?

Depending on how bad other things are, you can report the car as stolen. It belongs to you, you didn't give permission to sell it.

Helenluvsrob · 03/09/2015 15:04

YANBU

Whether he's planning it or not, from the outside, what you've said this is a classical story of abuse..... He's sold your car leaving you housebound effectively ( or is he absolutely fine with him paying for Taxis to get you to and from town? No I thought not). Well actually, nice gift that it was the car was never even given to you....

He's got a dog and dumped it on you, again ensuring that as well as caring for your son you have 1.5hrs a day committed to walking a dog you didn't even want. Doesn't leave you much time for the stuff that makes you you- social life or friends.

You are a carer- is that outside the home or just to your son? If outside how does that work without a car, you have to walk to work too?

Yeah OK I've been hanging on relationships too much, looking to deeply into a simple " missunderstanding" . You probably have a a relationship that is " sort of equal" but as you say you are doing all the compromising. Are you on the house deeds etc? What do you think? Am I just being stupid with these thoughts?

Original poster
Deeznutz · 03/09/2015 15:04

He controls all the family savings and I have a budget that I have to buy certain things from. There is never anything left at the end of the month from my end so I can't just go out and buy another car.

His job has been reorganised this year so he will be away for one week out of four and the rest of the time it is variable as he is an inspector.

OP posts:
Spartans · 03/09/2015 15:05

Wtf? We went from being a 2 car household to a 1 car household. We sold my car to do this. We both work from home. We don't need 2 cars. We discussed this as a couple and neither has the right over the car, we share it.

If dh had done this on his own without asking me I would be going absolutley mad with him.

I have my independence regardless of how many cars we have because our car is our car not dhs.

I am angry for you

cjt110 · 03/09/2015 15:05

YANBU. I'd be spitting venom.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/09/2015 15:06

I am open mounthed at the utter arseholery of what he has just done. YANBU and I would not be upset. I would be frothing with righteous rage and indignation.

Honestly OP, you need to get angry - he has done a horribe thing

Is he controlling and an utter twat in other ways?

Longdistance · 03/09/2015 15:07

The prize for the biggest tosser of the year goes too...

PurpleSkyatthewateringhole · 03/09/2015 15:08

Can you get a friend to look after the dog for a couple of days to a week? Tell him that the dog has gone the same way as your car because you don't have time for it. Buy yourself another car too.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 03/09/2015 15:08

You need to get the family savings put into both your names - one person having control is unfair, unequal and symbolic of a lack of trust.

And YANBU, I'd be furious!

MrsJorahMormont · 03/09/2015 15:08

I would tell him to get you your car or you'll be taking a fucking sledgehammer to 'his' new car. Let him experience having no car for a few days.

You are stuck at home caring for disabled children and a dog you didn't want. If this is for real, I would quite like to kick your husband in the crotch Hmm

Wigeon · 03/09/2015 15:08

YANBU. The obvious thing is to re-home the dog without telling him... (I am only half joking).

JeffsanArsehole · 03/09/2015 15:08

Don't let him control the money

Demand access or leave and take half

You are being financially abused, call
Women's Aid

HeadfirstForHalos · 03/09/2015 15:08

This year, my dh and I have both worked hard to fund my driving lessons, test, and to buy me my own car, because we have 4 dc, 3 of whom have ASD and I bloody need it. My dh had been pushing me to learn to drive for a while because he knew how much independence it would give me especially with his hard things are with the dc. Your Dh is acting like a completely selfish shit. You should get main use of the new car youd will get used to the size) he can catch the bus or train, or buy a bike.