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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry that my DH has sold my car to buy himself a new one.

260 replies

Deeznutz · 03/09/2015 14:53

I am probably BU but am feeling more upset today than I thought I would. My DH bought me my dream little car for a special birthday three years ago ( a second hand fiat but I loved it) .For the last year he has been going on about how much it costs to run two cars and how I could do all my shopping online. We have a comfortable income which we both contribute towards.

I have felt a bit pressured into it if I'm being honest. I am a carer and he is a top civil servant although I was working in a good career until my son was diagnosed with autism and other disabilities.

In the last few weeks he went out and bought a large car putting my car and his three year old car towards it plus some savings.I said I wanted to see it first because we are supposed to be sharing it and I have only driven small cars and feel unsure about driving something so big. He bought it when I was caring for the children saying it was such a good deal he couldn't wait. He registered my car in his name despite the fact it was supposed to be a gift for me and just went and traded it in.

I think today I have had a delayed reaction as I feel uncharacteristically furious. I never cry but just can't seem to stop bursting into tears. It takes forty minutes to walk to my nearest town and I have a dog to walk as well ( it needs an 1.5 hours) that he got and never walks himself so it has fallen to me to pick up the slack. I have never expressed a desire to own a dog and don't enjoy having one. I recognise that family life is about compromise but it seems as if I am the only one compromising.

He is currently trying to smooze me which is making me angrier and angrier.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 03/09/2015 15:20

I think if you're upset enough to want to divorce him, you should tell him this calmly. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know in deciding your future. Good luck!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/09/2015 15:20

He's a wanker. A selfish, controlling, tightbastard wanker.

I don't blame you for wanting a divorce - this sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back for you.

So sorry that he's taken your independence from you - hope you find a way to get it back.

While he's away on his 1 week in 4, make sure you get as much info about your/his finances as you possibly can - you'll need it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/09/2015 15:21

Oh and DON'T tell him you want a divorce until you have all the info on his finances. Else you'll never get it because he'll hide it all from you.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 03/09/2015 15:22

I am fucking fuming on your behalf.

Original poster
Deeznutz · 03/09/2015 15:22

Thank-you everyone. I needed the reality check. He is picking up the car this afternoon.

He doesn't give a shiny shit about what he has done as long as he gets what he wants.

OP posts:
UnbelievableBollocks · 03/09/2015 15:24

What an absolute selfish bastard. Words fail me.

londonrach · 03/09/2015 15:24

Hugs op. This must be first aibu where everyone agrees with the op. Xxx

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/09/2015 15:25

He's abusive and controlling. Please call women's aid for advice?

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 03/09/2015 15:25

goblinhat the OP said the car was a gift for her but DH registered it in his own name.

You can't want a divorce over just this one incident OP, there's a lot more to it by the sounds of it.
You talk about my son do you mean my or do you mean our?

Can you get someone else to look after the dog for a week and when DH asks where it is tell him the change to rehome it came up and you had to decide quickly because it was too good to miss Hmm

Whatevva · 03/09/2015 15:26

If he was interested in saving money, all the family savings should be in your name anyway. He will be paying higher rate tax on it, whilst you have nothing.

Ohfourfoxache · 03/09/2015 15:26

Dee this may have been suggested already, but you might want to get this thread moved to relationships (hit "report" in the top right of your post and ask mnhq to move it) - lots and lots of support to be had x

Branleuse · 03/09/2015 15:27

I would be abslutely fucking fuming. What the fuck is he playing at.

MrsKoala · 03/09/2015 15:29

This is one of the nastiest most symbolically unpleasant things i have read on here. It's just breathtaking. He will try to minimise this. But I would leave him in no doubt of how it made me feel. I would also point out that any minimisation was well and truly seen thru and just compounds your contempt for him. I would be asking him genuinely if he wanted a divorce? and saying that this behaviour - even if the car is returned to you - is a large nail in the coffin of your marriage. He is going to have to do a lot of making up to you if he wants you to get back from this.

YellowTulips · 03/09/2015 15:32

What car did he buy?

Just asking to see how much of cock he actually is being.....in terms of you losing a fiat to gain a shiny boys toy.

I'm putting money on a BMW/Audi or some type of 4*4...

AcrossthePond55 · 03/09/2015 15:32

I would be furious. And I think it's the straw that has broken your back.

I think I'd use his first week 'away' to scour the house for financial information (bank accounts, income statements, bills etc) and/or visit the bank to get copies of statements and clue yourself in as to the family finances. I'd then gather all important documents (birth certs, passports, etc) and put them in a safe place or at the very least make copies of them. Then I'd get myself to a family law solicitor ASAP during his absence. And I'd do this all very quietly. If you have someone, confide ONLY in one person, someone you can trust implicitly. You may need someone to hold documents or help you with childcare whilst you see the solicitor.

My own DH does all our finances, too. BUT I have access to all accounts, all passwords, and I can spend money when and how I see fit and we discuss ALL major expenditures. Unless you have proven yourself to be a 'spendthrift' in the past, there's no reason for you not to have equal access to family money. I find the concept of a spouse getting an 'allowance' repugnant, I hate that concept, you aren't a 10 year old! It's belittling and controlling. I've always worked so contributed equally into the family pot, but my sister was a sahm from the minute she married and her husband never found it necessary to dole money out to her. He felt they were a family and any money belonged to both of them.

It's up to you to decide if you want to divorce or if you want to ask him to go to counseling with you, with the purpose of you becoming a more equal partner. But at the very least, if you aren't ready to make that decision now, I think you do need to get educated about your financial situation. If you don't have access, you can always ask it telling him that you need to know 'in case anything happens to him'.

Sansoora · 03/09/2015 15:35

What an absolutely fecking ugly thing for him to do. Its beyond the pale and a deal breaker for me.

WorktoLive · 03/09/2015 15:35

You might also want to suggest that he employs a dog walker to walk his dog as you no longer have time to do it, what with the 1.5 hour round trip on foot to town.

As well as the car, I am shocked that he bought a dog when he is unable to look after it properly.

Of course, you could always take the dog with you when you go to town and hope that it is stolen when you leave it outside shops etc .

RockingStones · 03/09/2015 15:36

I'd be fuming too. Just that. Hope you can sort this out, OP.

Badders123 · 03/09/2015 15:42

He is being financially controlling. Yanbu to be very upset.
It was never "your" car, was it?
It was registered in his name!

ThereIsIron · 03/09/2015 15:42

Sell the dog and buy yourself your own car.

FayKorgasm · 03/09/2015 15:46

Deez do you have full unlimited access to bank accounts?

redexpat · 03/09/2015 15:47

Please organise a free half hour of legal advice, or see if you can get an appt at cab during his week away. As others have said get copies of statemtns, payslips p60s etc.

You also need to come up with some sort of plan for how to survive fibancially. Check which benefits you are entitled to. Can you get a mobility car?

MerdeAlor · 03/09/2015 15:47

What a selfish arsewipe.
Sell the dog, demand access to your finances and then dump the wanker.

He doesn't see you as an equal. No wonder it has all felt too much today. You've had a lightening bolt of realisation.

Original poster
Deeznutz · 03/09/2015 15:53

I do not have access to his bank accounts. I am and have always been careful with money. You are right this is the straw. Amongst other things I have supported him through depression and with his continuing sexual dysfunction. I have had enough.

The astonishing lack of respect has cut me to the quick.

OP posts:
0x530x610x750x630x79 · 03/09/2015 15:54

Please organise a free half hour of legal advice,

sod that spend the food money on a solicitor and then don't feed him.

this is how my dad treated my mum, i may be less forgiving than normal.