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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry that my DH has sold my car to buy himself a new one.

260 replies

Deeznutz · 03/09/2015 14:53

I am probably BU but am feeling more upset today than I thought I would. My DH bought me my dream little car for a special birthday three years ago ( a second hand fiat but I loved it) .For the last year he has been going on about how much it costs to run two cars and how I could do all my shopping online. We have a comfortable income which we both contribute towards.

I have felt a bit pressured into it if I'm being honest. I am a carer and he is a top civil servant although I was working in a good career until my son was diagnosed with autism and other disabilities.

In the last few weeks he went out and bought a large car putting my car and his three year old car towards it plus some savings.I said I wanted to see it first because we are supposed to be sharing it and I have only driven small cars and feel unsure about driving something so big. He bought it when I was caring for the children saying it was such a good deal he couldn't wait. He registered my car in his name despite the fact it was supposed to be a gift for me and just went and traded it in.

I think today I have had a delayed reaction as I feel uncharacteristically furious. I never cry but just can't seem to stop bursting into tears. It takes forty minutes to walk to my nearest town and I have a dog to walk as well ( it needs an 1.5 hours) that he got and never walks himself so it has fallen to me to pick up the slack. I have never expressed a desire to own a dog and don't enjoy having one. I recognise that family life is about compromise but it seems as if I am the only one compromising.

He is currently trying to smooze me which is making me angrier and angrier.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DowntownFunk · 03/09/2015 15:55

Rehome the dog.

Then rehome your DH.

All the best.

InternationalEspionage · 03/09/2015 15:56

Get your paperwork in order, speak to a lawyer and if possible confide in one friend or family member who is not going to breathe a word to him.

Your focus now should be on creating a happier and more respectful future for yourself and kids Flowers

mummytime · 03/09/2015 15:57

This is financial abuse.

Phone Women's aid if you can get through. Get support and the names of good lawyers.

Find out the bank account details.

iwantgin · 03/09/2015 15:57

Bloody hell!

What an arse.

OP, I am glad that you realise that he isn't worth a jot more of your time. please don't let yourself be ground down by his attitudes and behaviours any longer.

IJustLostTheGame · 03/09/2015 15:57

He's a cunt

hellsbellsmelons · 03/09/2015 16:01

Wow - do you have any family who can come and get you and stay with them for a while?
This is beyond disrespectful.
And as others have said, abusive.

Get onto Womens Aid and get some support from them as well.
Firstly though you need some RL support.
So sorry OP, he does sound feckin awful.

My ex did the dog thing as well. Knew I wasn't happy about it. Didn't pull his weight and then brought a surprise 2nd puppy home (for me to look after).
When he left the dogs went with him.
Idiot men!

hellsbellsmelons · 03/09/2015 16:02

Ijust has basically summed up what we were all trying say I think!

LovelyFriend · 03/09/2015 16:03

It sounds like you are experiencing an epiphany OP.

I had something similar trigger the end of my relationship with DC's father.

After trying so hard for so long, I learned (thanks in massive part to MN) that he was very verbally and emotionally abusive. Nothing I did changed anything. He wasn't a "nice guy really but tormented and can't help himself" as I'd been telling myself, he was an utter dick who used abusive behviour in an attempt to control me and our lives.

Then he was mean to me when I was really sick and in bed. I forced myself up to make a cup of tea (he wouldn't bring me a drink!!) and I recall the very second and the place I was standing when I was struck with a bolt from the blue. "This relationship is over"

It felt like a very sudden thing - but it wasn't. It was a long grinding down process, combined with a bit of learning on my part about our situation and then BOOM - I detached from him completely. I saw the light. It was a gift for me to have this happen. I never lived with him again after that moment. There was nothing to even talk about - I tried talking for years and it go no where - detachment can be a wondrous relief.

LovelyFriend · 03/09/2015 16:05

He's a cunt
but without the warmth and depth.

Scarydinosaurs · 03/09/2015 16:07

What a dick. Good luck with trading him in.

ToesAndFingersCrossed · 03/09/2015 16:07

OP please leave this wanker. And when you do make sure you get his sodding car in the divorce.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/09/2015 16:08

I had one of those AFTER I broke up with exH. I came home to discuss some financials with him. He was asleep in a chair in his clothes from the night before and WHAM I thought, "you're not my problem any more".

Again, long process, quick turnaround.

I wish you luck OP.

Garrick · 03/09/2015 16:08

Deez, you appear to be married to a selfish, controlling, financially abusive twat.

I would get un-married if I were you. Sympathies [flowres]

Garrick · 03/09/2015 16:09

Oops, and Flowers as well Grin

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/09/2015 16:09

YANBU

You have been financially abused to date and I would also think you are abused in other ways as well. He needs to be gone from your day to day lives asap. He has and will also never treat you as an equal in this marriage; he alone matters. I reckon too funds that you do get from him is not enough (you have to stretch it and perhaps account for every penny) and certainly does not allow you anything like a haircut for you either.

I also presume it was his idea primarily to live where you do; abusers use such to keep their victims hidden away from view.

The dog needs to be rehomed; he has used that to keep you there too.

I would seek legal advice with regards to divorce asap; when he is "away" for a week firm up your exit plans. Do speak to Womens Aid as well.

Men like he do not let go of their victims easily; you need to carefully plan your way out.

Despondentlyyours · 03/09/2015 16:10

I am confused, will you be able to use this new car? If not then he is being a first class shit.

Are your children his?

BabyGanoush · 03/09/2015 16:11

He fucked you over

no wonder you are angry

no wonder schmoozing over you doesn't work

You have woken up to how he really feels about you, and how much (little) he respects and values you.

Anger is a good place to start.

lavenderhoney · 03/09/2015 16:15

How did he get both cars to the garage to trade them in? Please don't tell me he made you help:(

Not much of a birthday gift was it? Taking it away like that. And the winters coming too, is he expecting you to brave the elements, you and your son? When you don't have to? And haven't had to. Control freak springs to mind, and why does he need a new and shiny car?

Tell him you need a car. I can't believe he's been such an ass. And garages are open every day. You could have one by 9.30am tomorrow. In your name.

And this allowance bullshit. Don't you have a joint account?

LovelyFriend · 03/09/2015 16:17

lavender the "gift" notagift was registered in his name. He just took the car in his name and traded it in.

Original poster
Deeznutz · 03/09/2015 16:23

He had the garage collect mine from home this morning.
He has his own account that his salary goes into and others for saving.My money goes into a joint one but he doesn't use it.

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/09/2015 16:25

How awful. He has behaved very badly indeed. From what you have said it sounds a shit relationship where he is controlling, thoughtless and not sexually satisfying. Does he contribute anything positive?

If you did divorce him you could please yourself and spend your money and the maintainence from him any which way you like. And it really would be on your shopping then.

amarmai · 03/09/2015 16:26

There is only 1 way to correct this abuse- you get your car back in your name . Also your name has to be on the house, the bank accounts, the credit cards etc. You have been living for so long with this abuse that you almost believe it to be normal. While he is away 1 week in 4 , what are you supposed to do if you need to transport yourself and your child immediately to emergency ? never mind the daily trips that make life better for you and your child. I read that in some muslim countries women are not allowed to drive. Is that your h 's mindset? Also only having just enuf money to pay for the household necessities is financial abuse and dangerous. What happens if you need to pay for emergency medical necessities while he is away? This is not the normal way for a marriage to operate in 2015 in a non muslim country.

Whatevva · 03/09/2015 16:26

Def need to do a scout around for evidence of earnings/savings etc and see someone for advice on your legal options.

LovelyFriend · 03/09/2015 16:27

Go and open a personal account asap Deez and stop paying your money into the joint ac.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/09/2015 16:27

"He has his own account that his salary goes into and others for saving.My money goes into a joint one but he doesn't use it".

Nasty man your H. He probably regards that account of yours as primarily his as well. You have no idea how much is in his sole named accounts (my guess is its a fair sum).

This is part of what Womens Aid say about financial abuse:-

Control access to all the household finances (including her own earnings/benefits): for example, by keeping control of bank accounts, credit cards, benefits, etc.; not giving her any money; and/or taking away any money/ resources she has of her own (including money for day-to-day housekeeping expenses, her savings, or other personal money); insisting she accounts for every penny she spends.

Steal from her and use the money for himself; or transfer joint assets into his own name.