Feeling angry that my DH has sold my car to buy himself a new one.

[Deeznutz]

I am probably BU but am feeling more upset today than I thought I would. My DH bought me my dream little car for a special birthday three years ago ( a second hand fiat but I loved it) .For the last year he has been going on about how much it costs to run two cars and how I could do all my shopping online. We have a comfortable income which we both contribute towards.

I have felt a bit pressured into it if I'm being honest. I am a carer and he is a top civil servant although I was working in a good career until my son was diagnosed with autism and other disabilities.

In the last few weeks he went out and bought a large car putting my car and his three year old car towards it plus some savings.I said I wanted to see it first because we are supposed to be sharing it and I have only driven small cars and feel unsure about driving something so big. He bought it when I was caring for the children saying it was such a good deal he couldn't wait. He registered my car in his name despite the fact it was supposed to be a gift for me and just went and traded it in.

I think today I have had a delayed reaction as I feel uncharacteristically furious. I never cry but just can't seem to stop bursting into tears. It takes forty minutes to walk to my nearest town and I have a dog to walk as well ( it needs an 1.5 hours) that he got and never walks himself so it has fallen to me to pick up the slack. I have never expressed a desire to own a dog and don't enjoy having one. I recognise that family life is about compromise but it seems as if I am the only one compromising.

He is currently trying to smooze me which is making me angrier and angrier.

AIBU?

I agree with lavenderhoney - book yourself in for a decent haircut, make sure you have decent clothes, it will be hard to break out of thrifty habits, but you need to see yourself as an equal as well or you will quickly drift back to inequitable divisions of money.

I know it will be difficult as a carer, but is it feasible at all to get any form of paid employment, even if it's very p/t I think it would help your self esteem.

Anyway I'm so glad you got your car, and I do hope you went through the finances like he said you would.

This is such an extraordinary conversion - how has he explained his previous behaviour to you?

Extraordinary indeed. Almost unbelievable.

Either he didn't want her walking out with half his money and him having to organise childcare and cook his own meals and do all the "outsourcing" she explained, or he realised he was in fact being an arse and wanted to change, having never had it spelt out so carefully. Or a mixture of the two. He not stupid.

Well if it was that easy I bet you feel daft for not speaking up before.

I hope it works out for you, I really do.

Sleepy he isn't her Dad who's role it is to give her more responsibility and a larger allowance as time goes on. He's her husband and should have been treating her as an equal all along.

OP I hope he really means what he says. Sounds like you're still financially down by several thousand but it's a start. Pls update us in 6 months to see if he really has changed his tune or if he's just paying you lip service.

I think sometimes unequal roles in a marriage just sort of evolve without our realizing it. But once we do realize it, things need to change. Hopefully that's the case here and things will move forward in a more equal way. I'm sure there will be some bumps in the road, but with more open communication, they'll get through.

For those saying the car/savings thing wasn't handled fairly, I agree and would have done it differently. BUT if the OP is satisfied with the way it's been worked out, I'm not going to criticize her. I think the main thing is that she is treated as an equal partner from now on.

Whatever the calculation it's all marital property anyway and in the event of a split it would all go into a pot to be divided equally or as otherwise agreed during proceedings.

I just have a cynical niggle that the H's actions here are a bit of a red herring - passing over "half the savings" etc to his W now - such a massive turnaround in behaviour. I really hope it's all good and genuine and he's seen the error of his ways, but I'd be wondering about secret stashes he could be using the present change of affairs to divert attention away from.

Hope I'm wrong of course.

Whatever the calculation it's all marital property anyway and in the event of a split it would all go into a pot to be divided equally or as otherwise agreed during proceedings.

This is absolutely true, but I was concerned about how much money OP would feel she had in the meantime - how much she would feel able to spend on haircuts/beauty treatments how about something a bit less fucking 1950s if we want to portray her as an equal partner? as she watches "her" savings drain away.

I do appreciate that it's nit-picking and a tangent, but it doesn't seem to me to show that the husband actually wants equal financial treatment, because he's still treating money as "his" and "hers" and counting an asset she will mostly use as needing to come out of "her" share. It doesn't point to a complete change of heart, but just a temporary redistribution.

Just read this thread now, but I just wanted to say "Well done !" It's really nice to see someone on MN stand up for themselves and get a good result. I really hope it all works out for you.