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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry that my DH has sold my car to buy himself a new one.

260 replies

Deeznutz · 03/09/2015 14:53

I am probably BU but am feeling more upset today than I thought I would. My DH bought me my dream little car for a special birthday three years ago ( a second hand fiat but I loved it) .For the last year he has been going on about how much it costs to run two cars and how I could do all my shopping online. We have a comfortable income which we both contribute towards.

I have felt a bit pressured into it if I'm being honest. I am a carer and he is a top civil servant although I was working in a good career until my son was diagnosed with autism and other disabilities.

In the last few weeks he went out and bought a large car putting my car and his three year old car towards it plus some savings.I said I wanted to see it first because we are supposed to be sharing it and I have only driven small cars and feel unsure about driving something so big. He bought it when I was caring for the children saying it was such a good deal he couldn't wait. He registered my car in his name despite the fact it was supposed to be a gift for me and just went and traded it in.

I think today I have had a delayed reaction as I feel uncharacteristically furious. I never cry but just can't seem to stop bursting into tears. It takes forty minutes to walk to my nearest town and I have a dog to walk as well ( it needs an 1.5 hours) that he got and never walks himself so it has fallen to me to pick up the slack. I have never expressed a desire to own a dog and don't enjoy having one. I recognise that family life is about compromise but it seems as if I am the only one compromising.

He is currently trying to smooze me which is making me angrier and angrier.

AIBU?

OP posts:
WorktoLive · 03/09/2015 15:09

So is his wankermobile going to be spending most of the time sitting in his office carpark leaving you stranded?

You'll just have to use taxis until you can find yourself a new car, paid for out of the family pot, obviously. Buying a car as a birthday present seems a bit weird to me especially if you go on to sell the present.

Surely cars come out of essential household expenses according to need and affordability?

Did you need your car for work? You're not the type of carer that visits people in their homes so spends all day travelling about are you.

Original poster
Deeznutz · 03/09/2015 15:09

I think I want a divorce. I don't think I am going to get over this.

OP posts:
Helenluvsrob · 03/09/2015 15:09

There you are Deez I'm afraid he is controlling and financially abusive . He controls the family savings and gives you " pin money" that you have to stretch , but there isn't any " you money" in this. You say it's a "budget to buy certain things" does that mean apart from food you have to run everything past him?

You can bet with his stonking fat " working away 1 week in 4" salary there is a heck of a lot of " him" money stashed away!

MaxPepsi · 03/09/2015 15:10

Bloody hell.

I would be furious. We are not comfortably well off at all but even we manage to run two vehicles. We discussed dropping down to one vehicle a year or so ago.

It wasn't practical. DH needs his for work - which is shift - and whilst I could have used public transport, it's shit, I wouldn't have had my own insurance, therefore stopping me from driving my parents/brothers car on a weekend and I would have had to rely solely on DH to not need his which is never

I'm really angry on your behalf.

areyoubeingserviced · 03/09/2015 15:10

Op
I would be absolutely furious.
Your dh is selfish and obviously has little understanding of how difficult your life will become.
In fact , I am annoyed on your behalf, because I know how pissed off I would be if dh did the same to me.

RandomSocks · 03/09/2015 15:11

YANBU.

Re-home the dog if you don't enjoy having one.

DuchessofAnkh · 03/09/2015 15:11

"i have had a think about this and just cannot manage without my car, we need to either get it back or buy a new one, what do you intend to do about it?" ...and repeat.

Leave the dog problem for another day.... but once the car is out of the way... "I am unable to walk the dog every day, are you going to be able to walk it or shall I get it re-homed?"

CurlyCustard · 03/09/2015 15:12

I'd be absolutely fuming OP, he's taken your independence away

highkickindandy · 03/09/2015 15:12

When he's away one week in four - will he be leaving the car with you?

Your son has health problems, is the GP in the town 40 minutes away or closer than that? How do you take your son to the doctor if your husband is away with the car? Yes, I know in emergencies you'd call an ambulance but there will be other times when you need to take him somewhere won't there?

If you couldn't drive or couldn't afford another car no doubt you'd cope. But if you can afford a car, why make your life unnecessarily difficult, that's what I'd be wondering.

YellowTulips · 03/09/2015 15:12

Tell him he is an arse and that you want your car back.

Failure to comply means you will LTB and:

  • give him custody of the dog
  • gain custody of bloody huge car and trade it in for a Fiat
  • spending what you have saved on vets bills, dog food, petrol and car tax on a heath spa break to revive yourself after all the bloody walking ready to be gorgeous and meet someone less fucking selfish.
LovelyFriend · 03/09/2015 15:12

YANBU.

Turns our your special birthday gift wasn't a gift at all. It was his car, in his name and he simply let you use it for a while. Until it suited him to take the "gift"/his possession away from you. Which he did.

It doesn't sound to me like he has much respect for you at all and I wonder if some of your fury isn't because you are slowly starting to realise this?

Can you not rehome the dog? If not, do be sure to leave the dog with him if you ever decide to LTB.

as for "you can do all your shopping online" is that all he thinks you might need or want a car for?

highkickindandy · 03/09/2015 15:13

Oh, I'm slow at typing, lots of cross-posts there.....

howabout · 03/09/2015 15:13

YANBU
We don't make decisions like this independently of each other in our hh. I wouldn't let DH control our family savings either.

LovelyFriend · 03/09/2015 15:14

I'm not surprised at all that you want a divorce.
Flowers

HeadfirstForHalos · 03/09/2015 15:14

Fuck walking his dog too. I agree with the others that have said taking away your car and independence is a form of abuse.

goblinhat · 03/09/2015 15:14

How did he manage to sell a car that belonged to you?

If your name is on the DVLA documents as the registered owner he cannot sell it without your signature or committing fraud.

JanetBlyton · 03/09/2015 15:15

This is what happens when you do things that way round. If you were the top civil servant as plenty of women are married to a lower earner this would not have happened. It is that imbalance of income and status which causes so many problems for women.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/09/2015 15:15

With the one week away, flexible hours and this... Do you think there is someone else?

Regardless, this would be a deal-breaker for me so you are NU to treat it as one.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/09/2015 15:16

When you tell him you want a divorce he'll say "What? Over an old banger and a mutt?"

and you must say

"No! Because you are an abusive controlling wanker."

Please. Don't let him minimise this and make you feel unreasonable. You are not. What he has done - with the car and the dog - is awful. Really awful

ChilliAndMint · 03/09/2015 15:16

He sounds like a nasty little shit.

OP would your son qualify for Motability?

hebihebi · 03/09/2015 15:16

It's the lack of respect and consideration for you. He is a selfish arsehole. I'll be willing to bet he thinks he's done nothing wrong.

Theycallmemellowjello · 03/09/2015 15:16

Do you literally not have access to any money OP? I think I would be squirreling some away in your position (whether or not you decide to leave right away). I think you need to talk to a solicitor about how to proceed with the divorce. I know womensaid will help talk through a plan to leave. Shelter could advise on finding housing if you leave. Perhaps others know of other resources.

starfishmummy · 03/09/2015 15:17

Sell his dog

Helenluvsrob · 03/09/2015 15:18

Goblinhat the car was never in the OPs possession really. His name was on the documents all the time. It was no gift but a " loan".

Mrs TP I bet you are right.

The OP certainly wont get custody of the wankermobile 1 week a month when he's " working away" I'm sure.

ChilliAndMint · 03/09/2015 15:19

Taking the car from you is an attempt isolate you , it's a classic sign of abuse.

This has nothing to do with money.