Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry that my DH has sold my car to buy himself a new one.

260 replies

Deeznutz · 03/09/2015 14:53

I am probably BU but am feeling more upset today than I thought I would. My DH bought me my dream little car for a special birthday three years ago ( a second hand fiat but I loved it) .For the last year he has been going on about how much it costs to run two cars and how I could do all my shopping online. We have a comfortable income which we both contribute towards.

I have felt a bit pressured into it if I'm being honest. I am a carer and he is a top civil servant although I was working in a good career until my son was diagnosed with autism and other disabilities.

In the last few weeks he went out and bought a large car putting my car and his three year old car towards it plus some savings.I said I wanted to see it first because we are supposed to be sharing it and I have only driven small cars and feel unsure about driving something so big. He bought it when I was caring for the children saying it was such a good deal he couldn't wait. He registered my car in his name despite the fact it was supposed to be a gift for me and just went and traded it in.

I think today I have had a delayed reaction as I feel uncharacteristically furious. I never cry but just can't seem to stop bursting into tears. It takes forty minutes to walk to my nearest town and I have a dog to walk as well ( it needs an 1.5 hours) that he got and never walks himself so it has fallen to me to pick up the slack. I have never expressed a desire to own a dog and don't enjoy having one. I recognise that family life is about compromise but it seems as if I am the only one compromising.

He is currently trying to smooze me which is making me angrier and angrier.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/09/2015 16:57

Another one wondering whether irregular work hours and ongoing trouble with sexual dysfunction as well as abrupt redistribution of material goods and a shiny new car could signal a third party in the background.

Deeznutz sorry if I missed this upthread but have you been married before? Is this man your DCs' bio dad?

featherandblack · 03/09/2015 16:59

What an utter git. I can't believe someone would treat you with so little respect. This is not about the car. This is about living with a spoilt, selfish man who clearly hasn't the ghost of an intention to change his ways. I think you should make it clear that this isn't the situation you'll be living in.

supersop60 · 03/09/2015 17:01

This makes me so angry! YADNBU. Sell the dog, take the £1000, make sure at the very least your carer's allowance/child benefit stays in YOUR pocket.
Then make sure your name is on everything you jointly own ( and I'd take a look at his bank statements too.)
All the best!

sleeponeday · 03/09/2015 17:02

Glad you want a divorce - he sounds awful. I'm really sorry. Flowers

featherandblack · 03/09/2015 17:03

He sounds just so unutterably awful. Do you realise that half the money in all those accounts is yours? Is there any way you could get the passwords?

sleeponeday · 03/09/2015 17:07

If he's a senior civil servant, then you can google the pay scales for his department. It's all available online. And the word "inspector" makes me pretty sure it's one of the better-paid ones, too.

He's on a decent income. You should be able to run two cars.

steppemum · 03/09/2015 17:08

please open an account in your name only and start getting all your money put into it.

I cannot believe he puts his money into his account and your money goes into joint.

areyoubeingserviced · 03/09/2015 17:09

I would ask him for the receipt for the Fiat.
£5k seems a lot to me. He could be trying to justify selling the car.

MrsKoala · 03/09/2015 17:14

I suspect the ops H is a higher earner so doubt the op gets CB.

seaweed123 · 03/09/2015 17:16

We have one car, but the person at home with the DC or doing the nursery run on any day always gets the car. The person going to work gets the bus. It never occurred to us to do any different. Ask him if he doesn't need that £1000 for his bus pass. Prick.

SlightlyJaded · 03/09/2015 17:18

I am LIVID for you. No wonder you are shaking with rage. He is an utter shitcunt.

I agree with all the posters who have advised you to call him on it every time he tries to minimise. Make sure he is clear that he has:

  1. Effectively isolated you
  2. Retracted a birthday present and sold it to buy himself a new and extravagant toy
  3. Disregarded your feelings completely and utterly
  4. Show no interest in how this is going to make your life harder
  5. Further insulted you by offering £1000 and suggesting you 'start saving'

Tell him in no uncertain terms that unless you have a replacement car of your liking within the next two weeks, and a GENUINE apology that demonstrates a clear understanding of what a selfish shit he has been, you will have to consider your position within the marriage.

And tell him to walk his own fucking dog. And mean it. DO NOT WALK THE DOG. If he is then cruel enough not to do it himself, he will have told you exactly what kind of man he really is.

Flowers for you. I wish it was a car OP

Hissy · 03/09/2015 17:21

So the "special birthday gift" had a time limit? An expiry date?

My sweet giddy aunt. I have seen some monumental wankers, but yours is a prize winner.

I don't blame you for wanting out. This sounds the last straw that broke the very much beaten camel

I'd demand your car back today tbh. He can work out the finances differently.

I am willing to bet my overdraft that he has got a shit load of savings.

This man is not a good man. I can't begin to express how sorry I am to hear this story. You must feel dreadful

AyeAmarok · 03/09/2015 17:26

Yep, it's time to take a stand. What an utter selfish bastard.

JassyRadlett · 03/09/2015 17:37

This makes me so, so angry. OP, YANBU. He has treated you and your life with total and utter contempt.

CheesecakeDreams · 03/09/2015 17:48

Flowers for you.
Pp have all offered advice, but I am Shock at how badly he is treating you.

ValancyJane · 03/09/2015 17:57

YADNBU, what an absolute twat! I'm really outraged on your behalf OP. Flowers

I second all the advice about opening a bank account and taking control of finances etc. I hope this thread has given you a bit of strength - at least you know you are definitely in the right without a shadow of a doubt!

rookiemere · 03/09/2015 18:01

I echo everyone else.
It seems fishy that he says he got £5000 for the Fiat, that seems very high.

For the dog - there's a company - can't remember the name where people register to walk other peoples dogs, may be worth looking into that for the short term - say for the week that he's away.

RandomSocks · 03/09/2015 18:03

I agree with all the other posters that are angry on your behalf.

I hope that you can get your car back. Call the garage and ask about it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/09/2015 18:10

You can still claim CB if he is a higher earner; he just has to account for it in his tax return. Just thought I'd mention it in case he has told you something different!

hesterton · 03/09/2015 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkyredrose · 03/09/2015 18:15

So your birthday present of a car wasn't actually a car. It was access to a car that he owned. For a time period determined by him. I don't think your husband respects you very much. Whether you can live with someone who treats you as though you don't matter is up to you but it sounds as though you can't. If he won't start treating you as an equal then you have to split for your own sanity.

pinkyredrose · 03/09/2015 18:16

Ps. Key the new car!

WorzelsCornyBrows · 03/09/2015 18:17

YANBU.

Sell the dog, ditch the DH. Have your salary paid into your own account. This is awful treatment by your H!

BlackeyedSusan · 03/09/2015 18:18

great, he sold your car, you sell his dog. fair enough.

3littlefrogs · 03/09/2015 18:19

What a nasty, disrespectful man.

His behaviour is abusive. My friend was married to a man like this. She wasted 15 years of her life with him.

My advice would be to do what she did. Keep very quiet until he goes away for work. Then find and photocopy every single piece of financial information you can and go and see a solicitor. Look for pay slips, statements, tax returns, whatever you can find. Hide everything in a safe place.

Then file for divorce.
Re-home the dog.

Look for the threads by "wellwhoknew" and "theformidablemrsC". You will find loads of good advice on them.

I am livid on your behalf that this awful man can treat you like this.