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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling angry that my DH has sold my car to buy himself a new one.

260 replies

Deeznutz · 03/09/2015 14:53

I am probably BU but am feeling more upset today than I thought I would. My DH bought me my dream little car for a special birthday three years ago ( a second hand fiat but I loved it) .For the last year he has been going on about how much it costs to run two cars and how I could do all my shopping online. We have a comfortable income which we both contribute towards.

I have felt a bit pressured into it if I'm being honest. I am a carer and he is a top civil servant although I was working in a good career until my son was diagnosed with autism and other disabilities.

In the last few weeks he went out and bought a large car putting my car and his three year old car towards it plus some savings.I said I wanted to see it first because we are supposed to be sharing it and I have only driven small cars and feel unsure about driving something so big. He bought it when I was caring for the children saying it was such a good deal he couldn't wait. He registered my car in his name despite the fact it was supposed to be a gift for me and just went and traded it in.

I think today I have had a delayed reaction as I feel uncharacteristically furious. I never cry but just can't seem to stop bursting into tears. It takes forty minutes to walk to my nearest town and I have a dog to walk as well ( it needs an 1.5 hours) that he got and never walks himself so it has fallen to me to pick up the slack. I have never expressed a desire to own a dog and don't enjoy having one. I recognise that family life is about compromise but it seems as if I am the only one compromising.

He is currently trying to smooze me which is making me angrier and angrier.

AIBU?

OP posts:

magoria · 04/09/2015 22:23

Why the hell did he sell your car in the first place if he clearly had more than enough savings to cover the amount he got for it?

You never get a fair deal of what a car is worth if you part exchange. How much is the equivalent aged, miles, serviced, number of owners car the same as what you had?

To be fair you need that then half of any savings if you are going to be any where near equal.

Even then he has forked out for a £15k car but is only going to give you £5k for one. You may not need any more but he is stating you are worth 1/3 what he is.

It is a start however you need to keep your wits around you and not let him take you for granted again.

Half the savings with your car coming out of that is way less than what divorce would get you...

ouryve · 04/09/2015 23:33

Good for you for being assertive.

The outcome is promising, but please remain and demand to be kept in the loop on everything that potentially affects both of you from here on.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 04/09/2015 23:43

I can't tell you how delighted I am with this outcome! Make sure he follows through, ESPECIALLY with regards to the joint savings, and make sure your new car doesn't have to come out of just 'your' savings.

Also, make sure his salary is paid directly into the joint account, otherwise he could be telling porkies about what he's actually paid, and neglect to mention important things like pay rises and bonuses...

OhFuckWhatHaveIDone · 05/09/2015 01:12

The maths is bugging me here.

Just worked it out to be sure - you need to end up with 50% of the savings amount that existed before he removed money to go towards his new car, and then you need an extra £5k at least creamed off the top of his portion to cover your car. Or he needs to buy back your car or an equivalent one from his portion.

Any amount he took from the savings, to go towards making up the difference between the values of both your cars and his new car, needs to also be taken off his portion post-division. So, if he used £5k from your car, £5k from his car and £5k from the savings to get this new car, and the savings were £40k before either car was traded in, you would end up with at least £25k and he would end up with his £15k car and max £5k left in his portion of savings (£20k portion of £40k, minus £10k towards new car and £5k he took from you in the form of your car).

If my maths is off please do say, I'm quite tired here. I'm just having visions of OP being too worn down to realise she's still getting screwed over - I really can't imagine the DH volunteering to go by this particular calculation, with the end result of him having a fraction of what the OP gets, regardless of the fact that it's only making her 'whole' again financially.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/09/2015 16:13

No OhFuck your maths aren't wrong. If it were me I'd be calculating it down to the gnat's ass and making sure I was getting every penny to even things out.

I guess either the OP doesn't see it, or she's content to go on a 'from this day forward' equality basis. If it's the former, that's unfortunate. If it's the latter, that's her decision to make and she must feel it's the one that works for her.

I wish her well, whatever the reason.

areyoubeingserviced · 05/09/2015 16:38

Please be wary .
It will be difficult for your Dh to change his ways

pluck · 05/09/2015 18:46

Well, if it's shame of what other people will think, that can be very powerful!

TheRealAmyLee · 05/09/2015 20:25

I hope he sticks to it and things improve in future for you all.

Topseyt · 05/09/2015 21:59

Well done for standing up for yourself. I admire you for that.

I wish you well. I wish I had been more like you and found my backbone years earlier than I did.

Tread warily now. Ensure your DH is following through and properly mending his ways. Perhaps it was just the shot across the bows that he needed.

Time will tell, and his actions will speak louder than words ever can.

Good luck though. Keep up the good work. Onwards and upwards.

IguanaTail · 05/09/2015 22:35

I'm cynical but I would be opening my own account and squirrelling away a bit each month. He's helped himself before, who's to say he wouldn't do that again..

IguanaTail · 05/09/2015 22:36

Plus I looked it up and a fiat 500 of about 4/5 years is only getting about £3,400 so I doubt he got £5000. Don't mean to piss on your chips or anything. Just be wary.

SimLondon · 05/09/2015 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thenightsky · 05/09/2015 22:49

Topseyt · 05/09/2015 23:03

??????

Care to elaborate, SimLondon?

Original poster

Deeznutz · 05/09/2015 23:03

I am reporting you SimLondon.

Mumsnet is full of lovely supportive people but is spoilt by shits like this talking out of their arse.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 05/09/2015 23:13

Not doubting you Deez. That is clearly a twat trying to derail things.

marriednotdead · 05/09/2015 23:15

Another one with a word of caution.
A tiny tiny percentage of people called on their behaviour truly 'get it' and change. The rest play the game for a while, but it isn't natural and therefore cannot be sustained so the real them shines through the facade over time.

My DH had his epiphany, it was truly as if he had a head transplant and I was so happy. It lasted all of a few months before the cracks began to reappear.
He moved out 3 weeks ago and I can see clearly now that it didn't matter what he said, what he DID was the litmus test.

I truly hope that yours is one of the tiny few, but urge you to keep your eyes open

Original poster

Deeznutz · 05/09/2015 23:20

On a more positive note- today I replaced my car, now have a joint bank account with DH, have half the savings in my usual account and we have gone through all the finances together. We have drawn up a spreadsheet in order to review the family finances every month.

I feel much happier and actually an equal partner in all this. I don't feel the need to quibble over the proportion of money spent on his or my car. We both have a car that meets our individual needs and are splitting everything else down the middle-which I'm satisfied with.

I should have tackled this stuff before now -so take some responsibility for letting things drift and have learnt some valuable lessons of my own through this. I won't allow things to get to crunch point again before I speak up.

Thanks again to all those who have taken the time to offer their advice and support.

OP posts:

Original poster

Deeznutz · 05/09/2015 23:24

married -will keep your advice in mind. At the moment he seems very sorry and is actively making amends but I hear what you are saying.

OP posts:

lavenderhoney · 05/09/2015 23:37

Sounds very positive, op.

Now- get the calendar out, and start organising Christmas, where shall we all go on hols etc next year, maybe he could spend an afternoon with the DC whilst you go out and do what you like, be it keep fit or sit in a coffee shop eating muffins and drinking coffee:) or get your hair done:) and book it in, every 6 -8 weeks with a decent salon and get it coloured, whatever you want.

I bet he's not cutting his own hair, is he?

Join a gym, organise a bit of childcare, during the day ( beauty salon:) or a course you are interested in- because surely a sahm doesn't equal drudgery and dullness? as well as evenings when you two go out and have fun, be it dinner or a talk. If he won't go, you go. Invite a friend. He'll soon want to go along:)

Have you met any of his co workers wives? What is their life like? Would you like to work again? Or make plans for your retirement and his?

Maybe once a week you and him could have a chat over dinner about your plans and dreams - and issues - if he agrees to that and acts on things you'll know very quickly if it's weasley words or he is trying harder. Don't let him be apart from family life. And be very interested in his civil service role, which takes him away for a week every month.

IguanaTail · 05/09/2015 23:52

Glad you've done all that OP. Well done you.

MrsHathaway · 06/09/2015 00:17

Excellent work, OP.

But can I just ...

He also said that he was going to transfer half the savings across to me today so I can buy a replacement car of my choice.

So he has half the savings, and you have half minus the cost of the new car? I think actually the car should either have come out of his half (because it was meant to be a gift from him to you) or out of the joint pot (if his new car came out of the joint pot). Might be worth a slight adjustment here.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/09/2015 01:13

Hurrah for having the new car and for having an equal say in the money now! Let's hope it stays that way (and yes, married is wise so remember her words if/when cracks start to show)

ValancyJane · 06/09/2015 08:45

Really glad to read this outcome, well done you for being assertive!

howabout · 06/09/2015 10:43

Congratulations Op - your DH sounds like he is a keeper after all. I have been SAHP for a long time, following a career and I can see how easy it would have been to drift into your situation.

I would need to get rid of the dog to keep me happy but that's just me.

Also agree with what Lavender is saying about planning your future together.

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