Feeling angry that my DH has sold my car to buy himself a new one.

[Deeznutz]

I am probably BU but am feeling more upset today than I thought I would. My DH bought me my dream little car for a special birthday three years ago ( a second hand fiat but I loved it) .For the last year he has been going on about how much it costs to run two cars and how I could do all my shopping online. We have a comfortable income which we both contribute towards.

I have felt a bit pressured into it if I'm being honest. I am a carer and he is a top civil servant although I was working in a good career until my son was diagnosed with autism and other disabilities.

In the last few weeks he went out and bought a large car putting my car and his three year old car towards it plus some savings.I said I wanted to see it first because we are supposed to be sharing it and I have only driven small cars and feel unsure about driving something so big. He bought it when I was caring for the children saying it was such a good deal he couldn't wait. He registered my car in his name despite the fact it was supposed to be a gift for me and just went and traded it in.

I think today I have had a delayed reaction as I feel uncharacteristically furious. I never cry but just can't seem to stop bursting into tears. It takes forty minutes to walk to my nearest town and I have a dog to walk as well ( it needs an 1.5 hours) that he got and never walks himself so it has fallen to me to pick up the slack. I have never expressed a desire to own a dog and don't enjoy having one. I recognise that family life is about compromise but it seems as if I am the only one compromising.

He is currently trying to smooze me which is making me angrier and angrier.

AIBU?

If you are a carer to a disabled child you may be able to claim Carers Allowance if the child qualifies for Disability Living Allowance (if under 16) or PIP (if over 16). That would give you a bit of an income - it's not much but something. You need financial and legal advice. I am in a similar position to you and am always arguing with DH about getting rid of my car as we are short of funds. But I cannot give up my independence- I get a few hours a week when an agency look after my DD who is bed bound and I need my car! Happy to spend all my carers allowance on it. I also make DH walk the dog even though I love dog to bits

I would be apoplectic with rage, and this actually resonates with me.

One of my cars once had to be bought in DH's name because it was an ex company car from his employer which had come to the end of its term. In order to get a very good deal on it with all discounts offered to staff, we had to do that. He DID once try to tell me that he would be selling said car and leaving me without. I laid into him big time, but always felt vulnerable after that.

I have had two cars since then, and have made absolutely certain that they are registered in my name only. If he now starts on about selling my car (usually in a tight month)I simply shut him down by saying "No, not happening, and remember your name is no longer on it". He deflates and goes into a sulk, but I don't care. It hardly happens these days. He knows the response he will get.

Lesson well and truly learned there for me. I now ensure my name is on everything that really matters to me - deeds and mortgage of the house, ownership documents of my car, like to have my own bank account etc. It takes back control and evens things out. It has taught mine that I had/have no intention of being a doormat.

Don't let him walk all over you like this. Walk out if you have to. I almost did until mine really did begin to modify his tone (long story).

He has just offered me £1000 pounds so I can start saving for a new car because I am apparently sulking. 'My' car was a little Fiat 500 and he got over £5,000 for it.

I will never be in a position to replace it. I usually have £50 to call my own a month and I have to get all my personal things from that.

You are right- I do cut my own hair

Fucking hell.

What new car did he get?

That's not enough - you need replacement value. And next time just get car put in your name at DVLC. It takes moments

He bought a new one for £15,000

He's now offering you £1000 and he got £5000 for your "gift"? He's not making this better is he.

Honestly OP, I think I would divorce a man that did this too. What a shit thing to do to you.

If you do divorce him that car will be considered one of the family assets to be split.

Just sayin' (as my DS would say).

NO! You should get the £5000. He can't just take your birthday gift and sell it, then offer you a pittance back.

Can you contact the car dealership and get/buy it back??

Buy a banger for £500 pounds, make sure it is particularly tatty with lots of offensive stickers on the bumper.

Here's one for his shiny new motor.. sp.yimg.com/ib/th?id=JN.hYYXzJsMMZOexnvCUn2pEQ&pid=15.1&P=0&w=300&h=300

He is clearly financially abusive. And sounds like some gas lighting going on too, eg seeking to make you feel unreasonable for your legitimate anger about his selling YOUR car.

Please seek advice from a women's organisation.

I would take the £1000 though. Then continue showing him your anger: if his reaction is to get angry or try to gaslight you that's even more evidence that he's abusive in other ways.

Buy a banger for £500 pounds, make sure it is particularly tatty with lots of offensive stickers on the bumper and accidentally crash it into "his new car".

(just kidding)
(not really)

He made you pay fuel and upkeep on this non gift of yours too didn't he?

Are you even a named driver on your new FAMILY car?

£15,000 is far more than I would ever have wanted to pay for a car. Is it new?

Tell him you want the outstanding £4,000 now, so that you can go and get a car (preferably the one he just sold) and make sure it is purchased in your sole name.

When any partner starts behaving like this there are only two ways to deal with it.

1. Stand up to it. Gradually get everything you value into your own name. Don't let them meddle. CAUTION: this one can only be tried if the partner is all bluster rather than a real abuser. My DH backed off a lot when I started flexing my muscles and demonstrating that I had a spine and would use it. I have known him for so long though, and he has always been all bluster on just about everything.

2. LTB. I don't like to use that lightly, though sometimes it really is the best option. I came close a few times, before mine learned and began to modify his stances. If he had sold my car though then it would have been totally different as he would have pulled the rug from under me.

He is now offering £1000 (which he probably would take back off you at some point as he may well regard that as a loan) for a car that he sold for 5K!.

He can stick it where the sun does not shine. He is truly insulting your intelligence here; you really do mean this little to him.

I thought you cut your own hair; there is not enough for you to even get your hair styled. This is yet another example of his abuse to you and by turn your child.

Why was it not in your name in the first place? Or are you so ground down it would never have crossed your mind to expect that?

You deserve better than this.

What happens if you need to take your child to a health appointment? This is totally unacceptable. You need to have a car at all times. Take the 1000 but do not back down. Are you letting your carers allowance go into a family pot? I would change that to a personal account and start putting money away. You need to fight back and if that is not a possibility get help please. Does your family know he has sold your car? Tell them. It's totally wrong

How dare he?! How very bloody fucking dare he?!

Play hard ball with him now. Take the £1,000 for now, but insist that he owes you the £4,000 balance for selling "your" birthday present.

Get yourself off down to the garage with the £1,000 and ask about putting it down as a deposit to secure the Fiat 500 that they collected from you this morning. Ask what terms of credit they will give you for paying the rest of it back and tell your DH that the monthly amount will be paid from the family pot at the expense of feeding him unless he covers it.

If you can pull that one off, ensure that the Fiat is in your name only.

If at all possible, you need a 'go fund' (or as BFF and I called it a 'fuck you fund'). You need to start stashing away money. I know it may be hard but you need a fund he knows nothing about and has no access to, be it cash hidden or kept by a trusted friend/relative or an account at a different bank with statements mailed elsewhere. I don't want to be too pessimistic, but you can't expect that someone like him will be honourable about finances once/if you announce your intention to split so you need a cushion.

In my first marriage even though I worked and had my own income I didn't have any savings, so I wrote cheques for 'cash over' at the grocery store, not huge amounts just $20 here and there and a friend held it for me. Once I had $500.00 (doesn't sound like much now, this was decades ago) I told him we were done and kicked him out.

£1000 and you have to save up? He's got a nerve.

" Just say no, I want my car back. Call the garage instantly and tell them you made a mistake" has he canceled your insurance as well? You dont have to pay that out of your allowance as well do you?

£5k though? That sounds a lot tbh. He's taking the piss. Check how much your car would have been worth on autotrader or something. Or call the garage and say you're looking for a fiat...

I expect he didn't like you having a car, and independence really. Will he drop your allowance now you don't need petrol money?

Personally I'd get together all the financial stuff and go and see a solicitor. It won't get better.

Have sent you a PM.