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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking fuming?

218 replies

LouiseBoo · 03/09/2015 11:08

Before I start, I've been with my partner for just about a year now, but I wouldn't have treated someone this way if they were with someone for 1 minute.

Last night my OH's Mum had all the immediate family round for dinner. This consists of us, her husband and other two sons, her grandchild and her son's partner (BABIES mum). Might I mention that her youngest son is only 10, hence him not having anyone there.

She decided they'd have a 'new home' picture, and surprise surprise, all got into position and as I went to stand next to my OH, was told by his Mum ''Oh Lou, would you mind taking the photo?''

I did, and after it was taken my OH made a comment that his little brother should take the picture so I could be in one, and his Mum did one of those little laughs where you haven't heard what someone's said/ignored it.

I was absolutely fuming, complained of a severe migraine and got OH to drive me home. He's working now so I've yet to discuss it with him.

OP posts:
MaudGonneMad · 03/09/2015 13:53

I don't think the OP has said they've bougt a house, has she? Just that they live together and share bills.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 03/09/2015 13:55

You still haven't answered the question about what you're going to say to your dp when he gets in.

NerrSnerr · 03/09/2015 13:55

Maud- on the last page they say they own a house together.

gamerchick · 03/09/2015 13:56

You need to learn how to chill man OP. If you keep kicking off over these small things then your bloke is going to start to dread coming home to you.

That never ends well.

ExConstance · 03/09/2015 13:58

Noticed from your other two threads you are taking a very rigid line with your DP about performing sex to order on the days you stipulate - even planning his leisure activities around it!!!!! YABU about the photo but don't worry, you won't be in this relationship much longer if you treat your partner like that.

MaudGonneMad · 03/09/2015 14:00

Whoops, missed that. Thanks Nerr.

whatlifestylechoice · 03/09/2015 14:01

'Clearly family' after a year? No. Just no.

NerrSnerr · 03/09/2015 14:01

The reason why I think a year is too quick to be ttc and buying a house together is because surely that soon in a relationship it should be fun. Going on dates, getting to know each other etc. I commented on your other thread- why on earth are you regulating when you have sex when you have only been ttc for a short amount of time? Why not just have lots of unprotected sex and see what happens?

Voovinnie · 03/09/2015 14:02

YANBU!

I would say YABU BUT you mention that his brothers girlfriend and baby were in the picture, and that's not her immediate family, so she cannot use that excuse.

Firstly, you say other people who aren't family were there, so why couldn't they have taken it? Seems a bit odd.

You're obviously family, no matter how long you've been together, because you are her SON'S family, just like his brothers partner and baby is his brothers family. You live together, and obviously share financial responsibilities by sharing a home together.

I think people are being unreasonable by pointing fingers as saying you aren't family. Perhaps it'd be unreasonable of you if you hardly saw them, but as you say, you regularly do and always do it as a couple.

If anything, it is extremely distasteful that she didn't at least have a photo with you. It takes 2 bloody seconds, it's an iPhone!

threenotfour · 03/09/2015 14:06

Yes, YABU. And it really doesn't matter either. I do understand what you are feeling...but no, you need to just forget it.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 03/09/2015 14:07

Do you usually get on well with her Louise?

Lj8893 · 03/09/2015 14:09

I don't think a year relationship qualifys for family status.

I have been with my dh for four years, we are married and have a child together. It's only very recently I have felt as if his family are mine too.

FairNotFit · 03/09/2015 14:10

You sound like hard work.

FWIW, I've been with my DH nearly 20 years, married for almost 17. I often offer to take family photos when we're with my PILs, as I think MIL might appreciate the odd "family" photo just with herself, FIL, their DS and DGSs.

Voovinnie · 03/09/2015 14:12

FairNotFit, that's fair enough but OP said his brothers partner was in the photo too?

VerityWaves · 03/09/2015 14:13

You are completely unreasonable and in the light of other threads very controlling over your partner.
Faking a migraine ?! Please

YouAreMyRain · 03/09/2015 14:14

I get that you are adults, otherwise you wouldn't legally be able to own a house. However, the perception of time and the relative permanence of relationships does alter over time. When I was 22, I thought that moving in with someone meant our relationship would be permanent. Twenty five years, and a 12yr marriage later, I have been with my current DP for three years and that feels like no time at all.

Is your DP much older or more experienced than you? Has he lived with other people before you? If so, his mother will see you as temporary until she doesn't!

When my Dsis moved in with her BF at the age of 19, I thought that was it for them forever but she is now in her 40s and has had four cohabiting relationships and two marriages.

FairNotFit · 03/09/2015 14:15

Fair point, Voovinnie; my SIL tends to be in photos more than I do, and might well be irritated if she wasn't included. But I can't get worked up about it and I know that my PILs although sometimes exceptionally irritating are very fond of me.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 03/09/2015 14:16

Just read your other threads. Holy crap but you have control and perspective issues. I would work on those or you'll be single well before this picture is framed.

hullabaloo234 · 03/09/2015 14:17

The thing is voovinnie, I think some people tend to find it hard to think of a couple as partners after such a short period. I would see the OP as more of a GF than DP but that could just be me. The brothers DP is a DP to me as they have a child and therefore are solidified ad a family unit. Perhaps I am just old fashioned though

DawnOfTheDoggers · 03/09/2015 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floggingmolly · 03/09/2015 14:19

The brother's partner is the mother of (non) MIL's grandchild. So yes, that does make her family, voovinnie.

slithytove · 03/09/2015 14:19

Looking at your other threads, it seems like you are quite intense and can work yourself up about insignificant things quite easily.

It's something you might want to work on especially if you intend to become a parent.

m0therofdragons · 03/09/2015 14:20

I've been married to dh for 11 years so please let me pass on what I've learned. Not everyone sees things the same as you - my pil certainly don't - but that's okay. They're allowed to act differently to how you would. I doubt mil deliberately planned to offend you and you were the obvious person to take the photo. Don't be offended by something that wasn't intended to cause offence. If anything must be said then a simple "I'm a bit sad your dm doesn't see me as family" is enough. Don't create a wedge between mil and dp - it's just not necessary. Some things don't matter and aren't worth fuming over - this is one of them.

I used to be fiery but have calmed with age. My pil can be completely nuts with occasional glimmers of being lovely. There's no point confronting them - they'd be upset and it would achieve nothing.

Voovinnie · 03/09/2015 14:22

Yes but what if they broke up, how about that? Just because you have a child together doesn't mean you'll stay together.

In fact, I know too well that if a couple break up that have a child together, that person is NOT regarded as family anymore , although of course the grandchild is and always will be.

FairNotFit · 03/09/2015 14:24

m0therofdragons talks great sense.