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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for a drink and snack while breastfeeding

236 replies

schoopz · 31/08/2015 18:46

DP just had a huge go at me when i asked him for a cup of tea and snack as i was breastfeeding (10 week old) - he said he was very tired and he shouldn't have to justify himself not doing what i wanted at the drop of a hat -
i then got upset and pointed out i couldn't get up and do it myself
He then got up, slammed the stuff around in the kitchen and made the tea and snack - but told me i shouldn't be so demanding and that i need to exercise more "give and take"
He has now gone upstairs for a sleep while I look after the baby.
Its an ongoing issue that he doesn't find it easy to cater for my 'needs' (ie. food/drinks) - but am i being too demanding? If he's tired should I give him a break and just wait until i can fix it myself?
Hate that i always end up crying and I don't want to be so pathetic, finding motherhood tough as it is and don't always feel i'm doing the best job, so his anger and criticism doesn't help

OP posts:
mabythesea · 02/09/2015 19:02

pampered princess
just get on with it
sitting around like some helpless thing
helpless sofa dweller
whining and asking people to feed me
some women are rendered helpless by having babies

Just wondering why you take such delight in attacking someone who's said they're having a hard time Confused

Unhappyuser · 02/09/2015 19:04

Why don't you just organise yourself beforehand? Single parents manage fine. He probably is tired if he is working full time while you are looking after a baby that's asleep at least 80% of the time, not exactly any comparison

shiteforbrains · 02/09/2015 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/09/2015 19:06

If the op's demands are reasonable then why is her OH clearly pissed off with her? Perhaps she is always asking for stuff
Some women are rendered helpless by having babies

Most are not.

Where do you stop with thinking like that?

"Babe could you please pass me my socks,mum bloody freezing and can't reach them because the midwife is dealing with placenta removal"

"Hmmm I'm not your servant stop being such a helpless woman and get them yourself"

bigbuttons · 02/09/2015 19:07

lol, lots of people make me tea.

JuJuMun69 · 02/09/2015 19:08

I think you need to have a chat. A baby/kids can cause havoc in a relationship.

shiteforbrains · 02/09/2015 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/09/2015 19:09

Why don't you just organise yourself beforehand? Single parents manage fine

She is not single, she is in a partnership.

One of the apparent bonuses of not being a single parent is you have two parents actively commited to the team, you don't have to just manage just fine because two adults are sharing the responsibility and load

bigbuttons · 02/09/2015 19:16

The Op might be in a team but her OH clearly has issues with the balance of the relationship and he is clearly pissed off with her.

goblinhat · 02/09/2015 19:16

bigbuttons- me too, my OH and kids do an unending number of things for me.

Perhaps because I never demand it...

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/09/2015 19:20

I'm currently pissed off with my cat. It does not mean that is my cats fault

Unhappyuser · 02/09/2015 19:21

Babies don't sleeping or feed properly because parents insist on following daft fashions instead of getting the child into a routine and sticking to it.

And two parents are not sharing the load, one Is Working full time while the other expects to be waited on when he is there. Reading between the lines, she has demanded he stop what he was doing and fetch her drinks immediately. She won't come to any harm waiting for a few mins

SurlyCue · 02/09/2015 19:27

I'm currently pissed off with my cat. It does not mean that is my cats fault

Its never a cats fault Wink

slightlyglitterpaned · 02/09/2015 19:33

Lots of weird fuckers fantasising about a totally invented OP, because what OP actually said doesn't fit the evil parasitic bitch preying on long suffering poor Man With A Responsible Job narrative.

Hmm [attaches toddler to boob, calls out drink order]
TimeToMuskUp · 02/09/2015 19:39

Wow, I can't believe the battering OP is taking here from some posters. She's hardly Zsa Zsa Gabor clicking her fingers and shouting at him demanding he bring her prosecco and caviar while she lounges on a chaise doing nothing. She sounds perfectly reasonable asking her DP for a drink and a snack whilst she feeds their child.

As an aside, when DS2 was born, I would text DH from the nursing chair in his nursery to request various stuff if I was hungry/thirsty. In fact, once I think I rang him from the nursery (he was downstairs watching a movie late at night) to say could he please bring up a cuppa as I was parched. That, I will concede, is entirely unreasonable.

The way I see it is you've cooked this tiny human, you're doing your best to keep up with the demands of feeding and nurturing them, and surviving as best you can. the very least your DP can do is nurture you a little. If he won't, you need a bloody big talk about just how much effort each of you puts into your relationship and showing some consideration for one another.

TimeToMuskUp · 02/09/2015 19:45

Also, Unhappy the OP clearly stated she asked him twice for a drink, and the second time was 30 minutes after he ignored her the first time. Are you reading between magical lines which give you some sort of alternative version of events?

TimeToMuskUp · 02/09/2015 19:48

And finally, Unhappy, there are a million and one reasons why babies sleep and feed differently to one another. To assume it's a result of "daft fashions" is, at best, naive, and at worst, downright ignorant.

One of mine slept and fed like a textbook baby from day one, the other was the polar opposite. If one person can have two such different children perhaps it's possible that all babies might differ and that your opinions on what is best apply only to your own, and that your opinions aren't so valid after all?

whois · 02/09/2015 19:56

OP is getting a really hard time.

It's not unreasonable for either partner to ask the other to get them a cup of tea, should they be engaged in something which is of benefit to them both. Eg finding a good film for you both to watch on Netflix, sorting out the unpacking from a weekend away, feeding a baby. Those kind of tasks.

It's U to ask for a cuppa if you're both sitting down watching TV!

Lurkedforever1 · 02/09/2015 19:58

There is absolutely no way op would be supported if it was a man demanding his female partner wait on him.
'Aibu? My husband and I recently had a baby. I went back to work full time as we'd agreed and he stayed at home. I also do most of the housework and cooking as my dh has to spend a lot of time feeding the baby. We formula feed but due to various issues this is as time consuming as breast feeding. I've also been diagnosed with depression. Anyway, my dh is constantly asking me to bring him drinks and snacks. Only the other day he was shouting upstairs when I was resting to make him a drink and a snack. And when I try to reason he gets all upset and says I'm not thinking of his needs, and that I have a history of not catering to them'
(I know formula feeding doesn't actually take as long normally, hence me adding various issues in to make it parallel to the op) There is no way loads of posters would be saying the dh had a point in that scenario. Rather it would be he's being a lazy bastard and emotionally abusive. Double standards.

AvaCrowder · 02/09/2015 20:01

This thread made me thirsty just recollecting the long gone days of bf a small baby.
I think YANBU.
Sometimes it is harder with your first baby, by baby six or seven you must be getting fairly used to leaving a baby to cry for a few minutes without the Oliver James type shite making you feel like an abject failure.

goblinhat · 02/09/2015 20:02

Excellent post lurked.

bigbuttons · 02/09/2015 20:03

spot on lurked.
I can't understand why the Op waited 30 mins. Either you're thirsty or you're not. In 30 mins she couldn't get herself some water?

Youarentkiddingme · 02/09/2015 20:07

I was enjoying this thread and then got to needs post and lost the ability to read Grin funniest typo ever!

I also think YABalittleU.

Your DP is upstairs and you call up to him to come down and make you tea and snack.
If you'd just walked in the front door then either baby was already screaming in which case you could have said "DP, I'm gasping and starving, if I start feeling LO when we walk in could you fix me something please" or baby wasn't screaming and you could have done it yourself before settling.

But I do wonder how much people's responses on here are related to their own experiences. Eg my DP was a shift worker so I had to muddle along alone. When he did a 10pm finish and a 8am start the following day I would not expect - or even begin to think it fair - he came in at 11pm, made me tea and snacks for feed ds had about then and did the same for the 6am feed. Especially as when ds slept after that feed we'd both stay in be whilst DP went to work. Same as when he did late shift I'd sleep for a bit between ds bedtime and DP coming home.

I believe it's a 50:50 split. Therefore I caught up in zzzzzz's during day and DP for the night. On days we were both home in evening we'd share the housework.

shiteforbrains · 02/09/2015 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigbuttons · 02/09/2015 20:15

perfect logic.