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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for a drink and snack while breastfeeding

236 replies

schoopz · 31/08/2015 18:46

DP just had a huge go at me when i asked him for a cup of tea and snack as i was breastfeeding (10 week old) - he said he was very tired and he shouldn't have to justify himself not doing what i wanted at the drop of a hat -
i then got upset and pointed out i couldn't get up and do it myself
He then got up, slammed the stuff around in the kitchen and made the tea and snack - but told me i shouldn't be so demanding and that i need to exercise more "give and take"
He has now gone upstairs for a sleep while I look after the baby.
Its an ongoing issue that he doesn't find it easy to cater for my 'needs' (ie. food/drinks) - but am i being too demanding? If he's tired should I give him a break and just wait until i can fix it myself?
Hate that i always end up crying and I don't want to be so pathetic, finding motherhood tough as it is and don't always feel i'm doing the best job, so his anger and criticism doesn't help

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 02/09/2015 17:55

how does the op cope during the day when she needs this snack? Not unreasonable to ask for it here and there but if it's a case of always picking up the baby and then needing it all the time then she's bu.

ThreeBeanRap · 02/09/2015 17:55

'Is she rendered unable to walk...' I mean for fucks sake!! What sort of shit relationships are you in to be so disparaging of one person asking a favour of another one?! It is OKAY to ask other people for help sometimes!

goblinhat · 02/09/2015 17:55

To be fair to DP he does do lots of housework and cooks dinner most of the time. He is good with our baby

threebean- this does not sound like an unsupported mother.

goblinhat · 02/09/2015 17:57

It is OKAY to ask other people for help sometimes!

Not if that other person is resting upstairs. Shouting up for something as unnecessary as a cup of tea is selfish.

ThreeBeanRap · 02/09/2015 18:01

i didn't say she was unsupported. I think it's ok to ask for extra support, in the form of a cup of tea.

If one person is resting and the other person is not, finds them self thirsty while doing something for the good of their family and saving the other person a job, I think it is not selfish to ask resting person for a drink.

Jux · 02/09/2015 18:03

Tell you what, op. Next time baby's hungry and crying, hand her to him, go off and make yourself tea and a snack, get everything you need together (I know you'll be leaking by now, but with luck you'll only have to do it once), get yourself settled and then hold your arms out sweetly for baby.

If he complains, or tries to give her to you while you're doing all this preparation, simply tell him that as he is so tired you're getting yourself sorted first so he doesn't have to do it for you in a minute.

goblinhat · 02/09/2015 18:07

But a cup of tea is not necessary.

I wouldn't dream of shouting upstairs to my resting OH to get me a cup of tea, nor him to me. He works hard ( much like the OPs OH)- why shouldn't he rest.

Breastfeeding doesn't turn us into a sofa princess.

ThreeBeanRap · 02/09/2015 18:09

A drink is necessary if you're thirsty, as it quenches said thirst. If you're feeding someone else with fluid from your body and become thirsty, asking for a drink is ok, if another person is in the house to help you.

MrsKCastle · 02/09/2015 18:12

I'm shocked by this thread. Really. Usually MN is supportive and helpful for new mums, especially those who say they are finding it tough. Some of the comments here are just downright spiteful and unkind, making all sorts of assumptions- that the OP is a delicate little flower who expects to be waited on hand and foot. And the DH is obviously a hard-working saint. She hasn't said that, or anything like it. She has asked for the odd cup of tea. I honestly don't understand some of these responses.

mabythesea · 02/09/2015 18:13

goblinhat - do you get some enjoyment out of being spiteful and nasty to a new mum who is finding it hard? I don't understand why you would be so gleefully mean about someone you don't even know Confused

goblinhat · 02/09/2015 18:14

Threebean- of course a drink can be essential, but it doesn't have to be tea.
The OP could just as easily keep a supply of water beside the place she breastfeeds.
But she chooses not to, somehow only tea will do.
(despite being a dangerous thing to drink over a breastfeeding baby).

Lurkedforever1 · 02/09/2015 18:15

Assuming op lives in a typical layout house, where the kitchen is downstairs, surely if you're thirsty and already downstairs it's easier and quicker to just get a drink yourself, than wait for someone to come down and get it.

Icrackedup · 02/09/2015 18:15

Aww poor widdle OH having to make a cup of tea.

Goblinhat and BigButtons appear to be that type of misogynistic woman who "aren't like those bitches over there".

Wannabestepfordwife · 02/09/2015 18:22

I don't think either ABU.

I understand how hard it is supporting someone with depression you often put their needs before your own and try to keep your emotions to yourself so I can see why after supporting your dp for the past year you would feel resentful that he couldn't just do this small favour for you without incident.

I can also see how your dp probably feels like he is contributing enough and thinks YABU for disturbing him when he's trying to rest.

I think a trip to the GP would be a good idea for you both. If your dp is still feeling tired from his depression he maybe needs to look at upping his doseage or trying new ADs. I think it would be worth getting yourself checked over for PND, anaemia and your thyroid.

The competitive tiredness is so easy to succumb to but you will just end up resenting each other and not appreciating what the other does.

My dp has depression and I find telling him what I appreciate him doing makes him think about what I contribute and he appreciates. You shouldn't have to do this but IME depression can put the blinkers on

ThreeBeanRap · 02/09/2015 18:25

She didn't have a supply of water though. And if DP was going to have to get her water he may as well get tea if that's what she'd like.

lurked maybe it would be quicker and easier, if she wasn't settled on the sofa feeding her child, something she has said she's struggling with.

shiteforbrains · 02/09/2015 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justnapping · 02/09/2015 18:34

Omfg yadnbu!!!!!!

Caterina99 · 02/09/2015 18:37

My baby is 10 weeks. Yes I manage to feed him during the day and at night and get my own drinks/snacks, but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your partner to get you something when he's home! It's not quite the crazy newborn stage, but it's still sometimes difficult and can be stressful.

DH finds it distressing that I let DS cry for a few min while I go to loo, get a glass of water, find my phone etc, but I'm used to being by myself and habit makes me do that even though he's telling me to hurry up and he'll get me what I want.

There must be more backstory to this, but I'd be upset too if I asked DH to make me a cup of tea in this situation and he was grumpy about it. I guess how you ask probably does make a difference though.

bigbuttons · 02/09/2015 18:49

If the op's demands are reasonable then why is her OH clearly pissed off with her? Perhaps she is always asking for stuff.
Some women are rendered helpless by having babies.

Notimefortossers · 02/09/2015 18:49

Especially when that is the person that came here for support and not her dh.

I think we're beating our heads against a brick wall here. Best ssshh now n let the thread become extinct n hope the OP never looks for it again

Notimefortossers · 02/09/2015 18:50

Jeez I ask my DH for a cup of tea simply cos I can't be arsed to get up ;) x

mabythesea · 02/09/2015 18:52

Were you a bully at school bigbuttons?

bigbuttons · 02/09/2015 18:54

no

bigbuttons · 02/09/2015 18:54

were you?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/09/2015 19:01

how do you think women who have older children and a newborn cope?

I should imagine that most of them like me just get on with it. That does not mean it is unreasonable to ask for a cup of tea.

I'm a lone parent to quite a few children. For the first six months after each one on the odd occasions I had a friend round the vast majority of them would offer to mak the tea if I was sat down feeding. And not one of them was biologically related to my child and I was not sleeping with any of them.

It's called being kind.

If op is dealing with all night feeds it's not unacceptable for him to pick up the slack to level out her tiredness that is what team work is about. Not once has she said how frequently she asks him to grab her a drink and snack.

They both walked through the door together her with screaming baby it sounds like they had already delayed the feed a while due to traveling,how hard would it be to have worked out in 10 weeks that bf makes your partner really thirsty and offer her a drink before you go upstairs?

As I said earlier I think the op perhaps over reacted but we don't know if the line she used means "not once ever has he agreed to bring me a drink when I asked for one even whilst I was being stiched up in hospital" or "I sit down like a princess all the time and expect him to wait on me"

I'm not entirely sure that being so down on a person who for what ever reason may want/need/prefer someone who professes to love them to be minorly attentive to their needs as they are otherwise engaged, is such a good thing. I'm also not sure it's an indication of playing helpless female

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