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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL shouldn't be here and my DH is being crap?

225 replies

Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 16:31

My Dad died unexpectedly last weekend. As planned we went away to visit friends for a few days. It was a distraction of sorts but I did feel that I needed to hold back my tears.
Now we are home and DH's mother is here for the long weekend. It's been planned a while but it means that I still don't feel I have space to grieve.
We had a screaming row the day his mother arrived. He has been a bit of a crap husband lately and I told him that I needed him to step up now that this has happened. I'm pregnant and can't cope with him being rubbish on top of it all. I was looking for his reassurance but instead he took offence and got annoyed. He then started getting angry about marks on our new carpet etc.

The death really hit me yesterday and I kept bursting into tears randomly. I felt I had to hide away or disguise my tears. He then decided to have a teenagers strop when we were shopping because I asked him to get off his phone and help choose curtains.

I'm struggling with MIL being here as its her first visit to our new house and she is spending time with her grandchild etc. It's a big reminder that I will never get to show the house to my Dad and that my children won't remember him.

Today we went out again and I developed a bad headache. We were going for lunch and DH decided to remind me I was meant to be driving home. I know what he meant was that he wanted to be able to drink. So it ended in another row and I've stormed home and left them to it. Probably an overreaction on my part but my Dads just died, I'm pregnant and being expected to drive so he and his mother can drink just sent me over the edge.

AIBU or should he have cancelled his mothers visit until another time?

OP posts:
Charis1 · 30/08/2015 16:34

what is your relationship with MIL like? Could you just ask here to leave? is she sympathetic? I can't imagine she is very comfortable either.

OurBlanche · 30/08/2015 16:36

This could be easily solved for you: stop being so bloody brave.

When they get back to the house stand in the middle of the front room and cry/scream/shout "My dad has just died, leave me the fuck alone"

And then let them sort out the details. Let that scream be the beginning of you taking time for yourself and your grief.

Flowers
ImperialBlether · 30/08/2015 16:39

I love a drink but there's something about these threads where the MILs get drunk with their sons that really puts me off.

He needs to step up now. He's going to be a father. You have just lost your father - and I'm so sorry for you - and he needs to accept you need time to grieve. His job is to be kind to you and take care of you right now. His mum's job is to go back home as it's not the right time for her to visit.

whattodohatethis · 30/08/2015 16:39

I don't think it is unreasonable for her to be there considering you still went away for your planned trip.

But if you aren't coping you should say something

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 16:39

She wouldn't leave. I mean most people would have thought twice about the timing of their visit surely?

I feel like a prat now sat at home while they are out probably moaning about me. But it really annoyed me. Why should I drive so they can drink? My Dad has died and I can't bloody drink as I'm pregnant so would it hurt them to abstain?

OP posts:
Stokes · 30/08/2015 16:40

A week may as well be a minute, of course you're struggling. When is MIL due to leave? Would she understand if you asked her to leave? Afterall, it's likely she's lost a parent herself.

Once you get your house back, be kind and gentle to yourself. Scrap the curtain shopping and socialising until you're ready, people will understand if you have to cancel plans.

As for your DH, yes, he's bring an ass. Once things have calmed down and MIL is gone, have a word with him and explain that you need his help and support. Although he should know that anyway tbh.

Notbychance · 30/08/2015 16:42

It isn't that you aren't coping it is that your dad has just died and you aren't grieving
Every visit she has- everything that she is around for will remind you that your dad isn't here anymore but as a PP said- stop trying to pretend you can just carry on, now is the time to mourn and your DH and his mother should be supporting you in doing that

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 30/08/2015 16:45

Oh God, something similar happened to me a year ago. I suffered a miscarriage and my partner couldn't deal with me very well, so asked his mother around. I should note that he himself can't deal with his mum for more than a few hours at a time. I told him what an inappropriate asshole he was at the time, that either he should support me, as I him, or just take his mother and fuck off. She was gone the next day.

I was careful not to say it to her, as much hard work as she is, it was my partner's job to say 'no, not now', as it is your partner's to do the same. In your case, he should be doing everything in his power to make your life easier at the moment. I'm so sorry for your loss, I know how tough it is starting a new life and family, and not having your loved ones there to share it Flowers.

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 16:47

She lost her mother two months ago. This visit is her first since then and I think DH intended to cheer her up.
Things between he and I have been terrible lately. My Dads death has sort of put things aside. I think he expects that it's all forgotten. I do think I've been carrying on trying to distract myself.

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 30/08/2015 16:51

I'm so sorry for your loss

Could you spend the night with your mum or any siblings so you can say you are supporting them ?

Did you leave a dc with them at the restaurant ? How will they get home ?

BestZebbie · 30/08/2015 16:53

It sounds like the asking you to drive thing would have been reasonable in itself in a normal week, but ended up just being the final straw for you!

Seconding the poster who wrote that actually, just letting it all out in front of them would probably do some good - your DH might be shocked into action (or his mother might have a few words in his ear) and you could express some of the feelings you have been holding in and turning into rows about trivial things. Even just sobbing when your MIL looks at the house/says goodnight to your child (but probably better not in front of the child) and actually saying that it brings it home about your Dad and he won't see your new baby might remind everyone that you aren't just acting oddly due to being hormonal and having a bit of bad news but are legitimately grieving actual things you are now not going to have in your life.

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 16:54

Yes they have my son. I imagine they will expect me to collect them.

My dad was no longer with my mum and hasn't been for over a decade so she doesn't actually care.

OP posts:
Osolea · 30/08/2015 16:56

YANBU to be upset and pissed off, but I don't think the timing if your MILs visit is the problem. People are all different, for many the MILs visit could have been helpful and supportive.

It really wouldn't have been right to put her off since you went and stayed with friends though. If you weren't up to seeing anyone for a couple of weeks then that would be understandable, but to keep plans with friends and then put off your mum would have been a pretty hurtful thing for your DH to do.

It's shit when you lose a parent, really truly shit, but it does sound like you're expecting a lot. There's no reason why your DH and mil shouldn't have a little drink just because you're pregnant, and there's no reason why your mil should have thought not to come.

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 17:00

I don't think expecting me to drive them so they can drink when I've just said I feel unwell is on, regardless of pregnancy or bereavement.
They drank the past two days.. It wouldn't hurt to abstain on one afternoon.

OP posts:
purplepandas · 30/08/2015 17:00

I am really sorry about your Dad summer. Your DH is way out of line, he should be cutting you extra slack, not being unreasonable. Do you have any friends you can go to where you can cry, rant, whatever you need to do?

purplepandas · 30/08/2015 17:01

I totally agree re the driving btw, they could indeed abstain as you have said.

NewLife4Me · 30/08/2015 17:02

I don't think it's wrong she should be there either as you kept your arrangement with friends.
Your dh is an arse and not sympathetic at all, YANBU here.
However, I too lost my parents and grief is a personal thing.
Nobody can tell you how to behave and there is no right or wrong way to handle it.
Ask mil to leave you now as you need your space. Tell dh he needs to step up and help you. Thanks So sorry for your loss x

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 17:03

I also feel that hurting his mothers feelings shouldn't be his priority right now. Is that wrong?

I made the decision to stay with friends when in shock and was glad to get home after a couple of days. But they were my friends, I'm not close to his mother at all.

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 30/08/2015 17:04

As gently as possible (my mum died last year) YABU, for reasons other posters have stated. They're allowed to drink in moderation, although your DH could have simply asked directly.

You need to tell them both that you are struggling and will probably be a bit sensitive for the foreseeable future, so please can they remember this and forgive you if you get arsey with them. It would also be good for you to clarify to your DH why things are upsetting you rather than expecting him to just get it.

I'm sorry about your dad Flowers

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 17:05

She wouldn't leave and DH would go mad if I asked.

He is already texting me about how super rude I was as when we were rowing just now she just sat in the back of the car after he and my son had got out. I asked if she was going to get out so that I could go and he lost it with me.

OP posts:
UnbelievableBollocks · 30/08/2015 17:06

Flowers I'm really sorry about your Dad. Losing him is hard and being pregnant as well just adds another dimension to it.

You don't have to be a great hostess when you're grieving. Let your DH entertain his mum and just be straight with them that you need some time to grieve.

BoboChic · 30/08/2015 17:07

When you have a major bereavement - such as a parent - you should expect your needs to be prioritised in any way that you decide. If your MIL's visit was de trop you should have told her not to come.

BoboChic · 30/08/2015 17:09

When my mother got ill this winter I couldn't actually talk to anyone except DP and DD for about 5 days. Shock/grief/pain is very real.

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 17:12

I told him I didn't want to be here this weekend but he insisted I stay. I wish I'd gone away.

He is texting me now to say how out of order I am and that he is trying to keep everybody happy. Because I should be going along nicely with everything

OP posts:
alltouchedout · 30/08/2015 17:12

Your 'D'H sounds like a total wanker.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I wish the people in your life were looking after you.
I think you do have to be absolutely blunt and let your emotions show- no more trying to be brave or holding back. You've just lost your dad, you're pregnant, your husband is behaving abominably- cry, scream, do exactly what you feel like doing.
If my husband texted me to tell me I was rude in the situation you have described my text back to him would be 'you are a total cunt'