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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL shouldn't be here and my DH is being crap?

225 replies

Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 16:31

My Dad died unexpectedly last weekend. As planned we went away to visit friends for a few days. It was a distraction of sorts but I did feel that I needed to hold back my tears.
Now we are home and DH's mother is here for the long weekend. It's been planned a while but it means that I still don't feel I have space to grieve.
We had a screaming row the day his mother arrived. He has been a bit of a crap husband lately and I told him that I needed him to step up now that this has happened. I'm pregnant and can't cope with him being rubbish on top of it all. I was looking for his reassurance but instead he took offence and got annoyed. He then started getting angry about marks on our new carpet etc.

The death really hit me yesterday and I kept bursting into tears randomly. I felt I had to hide away or disguise my tears. He then decided to have a teenagers strop when we were shopping because I asked him to get off his phone and help choose curtains.

I'm struggling with MIL being here as its her first visit to our new house and she is spending time with her grandchild etc. It's a big reminder that I will never get to show the house to my Dad and that my children won't remember him.

Today we went out again and I developed a bad headache. We were going for lunch and DH decided to remind me I was meant to be driving home. I know what he meant was that he wanted to be able to drink. So it ended in another row and I've stormed home and left them to it. Probably an overreaction on my part but my Dads just died, I'm pregnant and being expected to drive so he and his mother can drink just sent me over the edge.

AIBU or should he have cancelled his mothers visit until another time?

OP posts:
iamEarthymama · 01/09/2015 14:13

Where are you? I can meet up to talk of you are in SE Wales
Poor poor love, my mother was 94 when she died so not unexpected
I had so much support and no one expected me to just carry on regardless

petalsandstars · 01/09/2015 14:54

Okay so time to take care of yourself and do what would make your dad proud by getting out of this abusive situation and away from him making you unhappy

BrendaFlange · 01/09/2015 16:32

Well, no point re-hashing it all then, whose fault etc - if you were already talking to your dad about managing alone, put all your energy into taking best care of yourself and your interests.

Once you have worked out the best way to leave and re-house yourself, once the practicalities are over, you will be the better for it.

Do you need help and advice on how you will manage your finances? What you might be entitled to?

If you are housing your two children you will be entitled to more than half the equity in the house - 70% possibly. And this is crass but is there any chance that your dad might have left you anything that could help?

Keep calm and do all you can to look after number one (you) two (your ds) and three (your unborn baby).

AcrossthePond55 · 01/09/2015 17:00

I know it will be hard, but try not to engage with him. He will not listen, but will deflect everything back on to you. Honestly, you may as well try to talk to a brick wall. Save the energy for yourself and your children. If he tries to talk harass you, just remain stonily silent. Stay away from him as much as possible, invent a chore in another room, take walks.

Make your plans, quietly and quickly. I know you've said he won't leave and that's as may be, but you need to be sure, in your circumstances, that there isn't some way to make him leave. You can get a 1/2 hour free consult with many family solicitors and WA may be able to advise you, too. He will have to pay child maintenance and possibly support for you, too, that may make it possible for you to afford the mortgage. Don't burn that bridge before you have to.

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 01/09/2015 20:56

Iamearthymama thanks that's really sweet of you but I'm nowhere near Wales unfortunately.

He hasn't come home from work so I've not had to avoid him.

Discovered he and his mother drank two bottles of nice wine I was given for Xmas last year! That's on top of drinks in the pub Friday, drinks in the pub Sunday and 2 bottles of wine she bought at the shop. That's over 4 nights. While I'm pregnant and unable to drink.... and they expected me to drive them!

OP posts:
Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 01/09/2015 21:39

And now start the drunken abusive texts.
On the plus side he has said he will move out. Let's hope it's not just the drink talking.

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 01/09/2015 21:41

He should be moving out. Will he turn up drunk or pass out somewhere? (gutter sounds fine to me)
Just hoping you won't have drunk and aggressive to deal with tonight when you need to rest.

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 01/09/2015 21:44

He will come back drunk and pass out on the sofa.

OP posts:
xxyummymummy28xx · 01/09/2015 22:05

What a fucking tool x

AcrossthePond55 · 01/09/2015 22:43

Can you suggest he sleep elsewhere tonight?

I hope he means it, too. If it's in a text, show it to him when he's sober and tell him you were serious and that he's agreed to it. So you expect him to keep his end of the deal.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/09/2015 22:45

xxyummy He is NOT a tool. Tools are useful items that are fit for purpose and make our lives easier. He is not that. He's the opposite of a tool. I'm not sure exactly what the opposite of a tool is, though. Maybe a useless prick? Wink

FrancesNiadova · 01/09/2015 23:17

Keep a screen shot of those abusive texts, you will probably need them when they're saying how unreasonable you were.
What sort of prat sends their pregnant wife abusive messages & wants to stay out getting drunk when her Dad's just died?
Regardless of what he says in court, that ^ speaks for itself really.

Hope you get some sleep Flowers

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 02/09/2015 10:20

I will keep them.
He tried to justify it this morning by saying he is just so angry at the moment. I told him I didn't care.
I'm at the hospital this morning. He was supposed to bring me but I wouldn't let him. He has still taken the morning off work though. Twat.

OP posts:
0dfod · 02/09/2015 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xxyummymummy28xx · 02/09/2015 12:00

I don't know AcrossthePond . . . pricks have their uses too ;) x

AcrossthePond55 · 02/09/2015 15:18

xxyummy* they do indeed!!! Wink

summer hope all is well and the hospital is just a routine visit. We all know that 'being angry' is not an excuse for being an asshat even if your H doesn't. 'I don't care' is a pretty good answer, IMHO. I'd keep repeating it.

"I was angry"
"I don't care"
"You were rude to my mum"
"I don't care"
"What do you want me to do, huh?"
"I don't care"
"You are being a bitch, you know that?"
"I don't care"

One answer fits all. Stay strong and make your plans. If possible, spend the day away from home, if he's going to be there. Have tea, take a walk, see a movie.

AyeAmarok · 02/09/2015 16:02

Oh for some reason the fact he and his mother drank wine that was bought for YOU is actually pissing me off a disproportionate amount. He is such a selfish, disrespectful arse.

TheOddity · 02/09/2015 16:31

Hi OP. Hope things improve tonight now your MIL has gone home and you now have a space to grieve Sad Flowers

JammyGem · 02/09/2015 17:39

Thinking of you OP Flowers

How are you doing?

Jux · 02/09/2015 17:43

Women's Aid will help you make an exit plan, and give you lots of advice and support in rl, so they may be worth a ring. Don't rule them out, anyway.

I would be really upset if my dh drank 2 bottles of wine I was keeping. I don't drink much; dh drinks every day, cheap crap (one reason why I don't drink Grin). I have a couple of bottles of good stuff, and even my dh hasn't drunk them! If I put whisky in the cupboard though, it wouldn't stand a chance against him.

He is an arsehole, Summer. Hope he does stay elsewhere from now.

shellistar · 02/09/2015 19:41

Summer, where is your nearest major city? I know I'd be happy to take you for a cuppa and let you off load on me if you were close.

ihatethecold · 02/09/2015 20:30

I hope you're ok op.
Do you have a friend nearby you could confide in?
Someone close at work maybe.

Notimefortossers · 03/09/2015 19:43

Wow. What a read. I don't really have anything to add that hasn't already been said.

How are things now OP? Thinking of you.

Notimefortossers · 04/09/2015 18:52

Bit worried about OP. She's disappeared :\

AcrossthePond55 · 06/09/2015 15:06

I think the OP has had a lot to take in with this thread. It was started as a (valid) complaint and has resulted in her realizing (I hope) that she is married to an abusive arse. I'm hoping that she's just crept away to have a long 'think' about what she wants/needs to do in the future and to make plans.

We're here if you want to come back, OP.

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