To think MIL shouldn't be here and my DH is being crap?

[Summersalmostgone]

My Dad died unexpectedly last weekend. As planned we went away to visit friends for a few days. It was a distraction of sorts but I did feel that I needed to hold back my tears.
Now we are home and DH's mother is here for the long weekend. It's been planned a while but it means that I still don't feel I have space to grieve.
We had a screaming row the day his mother arrived. He has been a bit of a crap husband lately and I told him that I needed him to step up now that this has happened. I'm pregnant and can't cope with him being rubbish on top of it all. I was looking for his reassurance but instead he took offence and got annoyed. He then started getting angry about marks on our new carpet etc.

The death really hit me yesterday and I kept bursting into tears randomly. I felt I had to hide away or disguise my tears. He then decided to have a teenagers strop when we were shopping because I asked him to get off his phone and help choose curtains.

I'm struggling with MIL being here as its her first visit to our new house and she is spending time with her grandchild etc. It's a big reminder that I will never get to show the house to my Dad and that my children won't remember him.

Today we went out again and I developed a bad headache. We were going for lunch and DH decided to remind me I was meant to be driving home. I know what he meant was that he wanted to be able to drink. So it ended in another row and I've stormed home and left them to it. Probably an overreaction on my part but my Dads just died, I'm pregnant and being expected to drive so he and his mother can drink just sent me over the edge.

AIBU or should he have cancelled his mothers visit until another time?

Olly, she does say that she has asked him to leave before and he won't.

Also, texting your pregnant and bereaved wife "fuck off you nasty piece of work" is hardly the action of a loving husband. Not acceptable under any circumstances.

The DH and his mummy are not being reasonable or considerate towards the OP at all.

OllyBJolly . . . have you lost your mind?!!!
She's heavily pregnant and she just lost her father unexpectedly!! . . . What stresses does he have compared to that?! He should be supporting her at this time whatever his stresses are!
Telling someone in that situation that they're a nasty piece of work and not fit to take care of their son is mental and emotional torture!
But I fear we're banging our heads against a brick wall here. You're not going to leave him are you Summer? He's done a real number on you you poor love :( xxx

I'd have to agree that calling you a nasty piece of work unfit to look afyer your son is abusive and designed to keep you 'in line'. Very unpleasant and controlling.

Re anxiety medication - the GP will knowbut in the meantime I think gentle breathing exercises would be fine. There are probably some recommended for pg women as well, but failing that this is af favourite of mine and can be downloaded onto your phone too

www.mentalhealth.org.uk/help-information/podcasts/stress-relaxation-full-works/

There's loads more out there too, including lots on youtube

Take care and hope you feel reeady to think long term soon. But for now just be kind to yourself.

Thanks everyone.

Summer he might not be hitting you but he is abusing you.Take it from some one who's been subjected to every kind of abuse there is.

Womens Aid are really good,I've helped two ladies I knew get away from abusive husbands in the past and Womens Aid was who I put them intouch with.

They both have much better lifes now than they ever would have done if they'd stayed where they were.

www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=Cj0KEQjw9o-vBRCO0OLi2PfPkI8BEiQA8pdF4KWKnuounjq_t_AOmHraeQAbKGlMGh_hr9zV6ux31noaAq0m8P8HAQ

They're phone line is open 24 hrs 7 days a week,there's also a really handy part on there where they show you how to cover your tracks online for anyone that needs it.

Hold tight OP.

He does sound emotionally abusive, but as long as you feel physically safe, take time to plan what you want to do and look after yourself.

I understand why you don't want to start ML any earlier than necessary. Also presumably nursery is paid up and you would need to give notice, and you need to look after your assets and resources at the moment.

I have no idea about anxiety medication but you should talk to your GP and explain about your Dad and that your H is not supportive and ask about counselling , maybe?

Have you had a good nutritious meal today?

I really don't see that I have any grounds for contacting women's aid though. DH would say that he only says horrible things to me when I blow up at him, which I admit to. I have too much resentment and ill feeling towards him after so many let downs. He thinks he runs around trying to keep me happy, I think he is someone I need to watch my back with.

I am leaving. I'm just not going to up and run off to a refuge when it's not necessary. I just need to find a rental which I can't do on a bank holiday Monday.

No I've not eaten I feel too anxious and in any case don't want to go downstairs where he and his mother are. One day won't hurt and I'm back at work tomorrow.

He said you're not sane enough to look after your son. This man is scum. In your shoes I would be preparing myself for one hell of a dirty fight, while getting the hell out of there ASAP. You deserve so much better than this, I hope you get sorted soon.

Think about it for a minute... How often do you blow up at him because he has let you down, ignored your needs, put himself first? I suspect he reacts badly when you are calling him out on bad behaviour so it is a sign of an abusive relationship because he thinks he has more rights and freedoms than you do and gets nasty if you question that. He does not see you as an equal.
That said, you are in a position to work out your next steps; you don't need to get out tonight. Please don't say anything about leaving to him, just quietly make your plans and carry them out. Some blokes won't give a damn if their wife and DC leaves others might get upset and angry. It will be easier and better to work out how to deal with his reaction to you going from a safe distance.

Wishing you lots of luck for your get out plan op. You deserve so much better, as does your DS. Hope you can find something suitable.

He knows I'm leaving. He hasn't attempted to try and talk to me today so I assume he is in agreement.
Dreading work tomorrow as I've been off and people will ask questions and I don't want to have to say my dad is dead. But I will be glad MIL is going.

I hope work colleagues will be more understanding than your DH. You might get some of the kindness that you badly need.
Good luck with the rental search.

He thinks I'm not sane because he doesn't think it's normal to blow up and storm off home just because he pointed out I had to drive them home. It's probably not but I'm grieving and him being able to have a few drinks was his priority as it always is.
He then expected me to apologise when they got home and he wanted to point out exactly what and how I was in the wrong. I wasn't having it. He has been a shit the past few months. Surely even if I was completely irrational and out of line a husband would just scoop you up and hug you and not worry about an apology or his ego?

Does he look after your son while you work? Does he work?

Surely even if I was completely irrational and out of line a husband would just scoop you up and hug you and not worry about an apology or his ego?

Yes, absolutely. Do not lose sight of this.

We both work son goes to nursery.

You are pregnant and your dad just died. Even if you were being completely unreasonable (which you're not for the record) he should be more understanding and supportive.

But you didn't storm off because he asked you to drive.
You went home:
To remove yourself from an abusive situation
To grieve the death of your Father
To have time alone not playing perfect host to his Mother
Because at 7 months pregnant you were tired
Because you were concerned at the amount of alcohol they were drinking & you didn't want to enable them.
Get those documents together & get your exit planned. Please get proper advice & support in RL

I'm at work today and MIL will be gone by the time I get home.
"D"H has been emailing me to tell me I behaved appallingly this weekend. I still think he is expecting an apology from me. He will never get one.

Sweetheart let me tell you how your dh and his mother should act.

First of all treated you like bone chins and allowed you to talk/cry/grieve in any way you needed. They should have fed you, taken care of the children, kept you safe. They shouldn't be asking you to drive/shop for bloody curtains/cook/clean or anything else unless you choose too.

That's how I act as a mil and how my sons are as husbands.

You deserve much better than this love. You really do.

Crying and asking for support after a bereavement or even shouting is not behaving appallingly it's called grief the stupid nasty arsehole that he is.

Don't you dare apologise.

You say he's only nasty to you when you blow up at him - which means he's only nasty to you when he thinks you deserve it/upset him so it's all your fault. If you didn't upset him he wouldn't have to abuse you. This is the hallmark of abuse, love.

Yes, absolutely a normal and worthwhile husband should have put your first, worried about your needs, your feelings, that you are so stressed you're shouting, crying, shutting yourself away while carrying both your child, and listened to what you were communicating rather than what you were saying. This man has a lot of problems. He's just more comfortable saying they're yours instead of admitting that they're his.

behaved appallingly WTAF? Does he know think you're a naughty child? Does he have any insight into how he's actually behaved?

Agh. Have you found a nice place to go?

"I was looking for his reassurance but instead he took offence and got annoyed. He then started getting angry about marks on our new carpet etc.

The death really hit me yesterday and I kept bursting into tears randomly. I felt I had to hide away or disguise my tears. He then decided to have a teenagers strop when we were shopping because I asked him to get off his phone and help choose curtains."

You need to explain to him / tell him how you were and are feeling. I agree, not in the form of an apology, but to give you a platform to state your needs and your feelings.

Does he know you bit back tears staying with friends? Does he know you were hiding and disguising tears? If you did this effectively he may not have realised your grief was surfacing. He should still be more sensitive...but many men assume that WYSIWYG whereas many women expect their needs to be divined. TELL him. Be upset in his presence, don't bite back tears or disguise your grief. Explain how you needed to be cared for, as a pregnant woman, when you left the restaurant with a terrible headache rather than being seen as the chauffeur pulling a sickie.

He may or may not realise and apologise - but unless you tell him you haven't given yourself the chance to be heard.

Good luck, Summer. I hope he does hear you, because if not his lack of compassion, drinking and mis-balanced loyalty to his Mum over you is not the basis for a good relationship. But I see you are prepared to leave the relationship and find independence from him - all the best....and do sorry about your Dad.

Did your dad care for you? The loss of someone who really cared must be terrible in these circumstances, and conversely if he wasn't a good Dad it must be horrible to realise that you have another man who doesn't (yet, or at the moment) care for your emotional needs. Not many of us can escape some emotional resonance in comparison between our fathers and our partners.

I wasn't hiding my tears from him just his mother. I've tried telling him he should have been more sensitive over the fact that I felt unwell rather than being concerned that he needed me to drive so that he could drink. His response was that he always drives (true) and wanted to relax. Totally missing the point!

Plus he has drunk alcohol every single day in front of me since my Dad died. No regard to the fact that under the circumstances I would love to be able to have a few drinks but can't since I'm heavily pregnant with his child.

My Dad did care and one of the toughest things is that our last conversation was about how unhappy I am and how am I going to manage with 2 kids alone etc.