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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL shouldn't be here and my DH is being crap?

225 replies

Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 16:31

My Dad died unexpectedly last weekend. As planned we went away to visit friends for a few days. It was a distraction of sorts but I did feel that I needed to hold back my tears.
Now we are home and DH's mother is here for the long weekend. It's been planned a while but it means that I still don't feel I have space to grieve.
We had a screaming row the day his mother arrived. He has been a bit of a crap husband lately and I told him that I needed him to step up now that this has happened. I'm pregnant and can't cope with him being rubbish on top of it all. I was looking for his reassurance but instead he took offence and got annoyed. He then started getting angry about marks on our new carpet etc.

The death really hit me yesterday and I kept bursting into tears randomly. I felt I had to hide away or disguise my tears. He then decided to have a teenagers strop when we were shopping because I asked him to get off his phone and help choose curtains.

I'm struggling with MIL being here as its her first visit to our new house and she is spending time with her grandchild etc. It's a big reminder that I will never get to show the house to my Dad and that my children won't remember him.

Today we went out again and I developed a bad headache. We were going for lunch and DH decided to remind me I was meant to be driving home. I know what he meant was that he wanted to be able to drink. So it ended in another row and I've stormed home and left them to it. Probably an overreaction on my part but my Dads just died, I'm pregnant and being expected to drive so he and his mother can drink just sent me over the edge.

AIBU or should he have cancelled his mothers visit until another time?

OP posts:
Osolea · 30/08/2015 17:13

I also feel that hurting his mothers feelings shouldn't be his priority right now. Is that wrong?

If his mother is on her own and only lost her own mother two months ago, then yes, I think that is wrong. Sorry.

Your DH should be trying to look after both of you, and bearing in mind that he's also just lost his grandmother, that's probably not going to be the easiest thing to do.

It really sounds like all of this is symptomatic of larger problems within your marriage though, and you're focussing on all these smaller details because it's easier than facing the possibility that your marriage is in trouble and you both need to be working hard and making compromises to get it back on track if that's what you both want.

Lilaclily · 30/08/2015 17:15

I can't ubderstand the posters saying your at fault
You're grieving and they're more interested in a lunchtime tipple Sad

Buglife · 30/08/2015 17:16

You've said that your MiL just lost her mother two months ago? So your DH's grandmother as well? I'm sorry for the loss, it must be so hard for you, especially being pregnant, but your DH may feel he also has to confort his mother in her loss as well? And not get why this visit is terrible when you've been away with friends? You need to say to them you are just being hit by the grief and are finding it too hard carrying on as normal for them. And that you hope she understands because she's also grieving.

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 17:16

She isn't on her own she just visits alone as she likes to do her own thing.

OP posts:
FanOfHermione · 30/08/2015 17:18

Well just as well you can't tell them ot to drink, they can't expect you to drive them around and be at their beck and call so that they can drink. It's expecting you to drive them (and look to look after your ds on your own - I wouldn't expect an adult who is drunk to do so) that was wrong, not the fact they are drinking iyswim.

YANBU to say your DH could be much much more supportive. YANBU to expect that the visit of your MIL would have ben discussed before she came over (in a 'will you be OK if my mum comes over?' type of discussion).
I can understand he wants to support his own mum, if she has lost her own mum BUT he can not expect YOU to cheer her up when you have just lost your own dad very very recently.

I fully agree with some PP. You are holding it on too well. Your distress and yur pain about the oss of your dad is clearly not obvious enough. Neither for yur DH, nor for your MIL.
So... let it out. Cry if you want. Tell them both you need space. Go away if your MIL doesn't want to go away (and leave them your ds too) and spend time with some close family/friends where you will be able to grieve as you want to.

sonjadog · 30/08/2015 17:18

Sorry for your loss. A week after losing your father, your DH should be doing everything he can to comfort you. He sounds like a wanker to me.

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 17:19

I supported him when his grandmother died. Organised to visit her abroad one last time, organised us going to the funeral.

He has repaid me by drinking excessively and leaving me pregnant, unwell and struggling alone with a toddler.

Now he thinks he is being great because he got me some Rice Krispies the other morning.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/08/2015 17:19

You poor, poor thing.

Yes, your H is being extremely crap. He lost it with you, eh? Well, in your shoes I'd go for a nice drive somewhere with your phone turned off. Preferably to a nice, comfy hotel for the night. Let him and his Mum sort out your child for a bit while you get some peace away from the pair of them

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 30/08/2015 17:20

Good Lord, Summer, I feel awful for you. What a terrible time and what a wanker your H is. How can anyone be so heartless.

I agree with a PP - stop being so brave. Let it out. Concentrate on yourself and your grief.

Come on back over to the support thread, I am checking it several times a day.

Flowers for you.

FanOfHermione · 30/08/2015 17:22

Surely, if he has lost his grand mother and wants to support his mum, he really can NOT expect the OP, who has had a BIGGER loss, MORE recently, to be there to cheer his mum up?
He can't state that he wants her to stay (what for? why? his own support??) and then be grumpy because she isn't coping. The OP said she wasn't coping. She said she wanted to be away. Why is it OK for him to insist on her to stay and then be grumpy because she doesn't do what he intented to do, the way he wanted it do it??

Myfoofneedspruning · 30/08/2015 17:25

He is an inconsiderate idiot, sorry about your loss op Sad

FanOfHermione · 30/08/2015 17:25

summer what were his reasons for you to stay during the visit of his mum?
What were his reasons for him to override your needs re grieving?

YouTheCat · 30/08/2015 17:28

Why should his and his mother's grief trump the OP's?

My ex, on hearing my mother had suddenly and very unexpectedly died, simply said, 'well, I loved her too' as if that was somehow supposed to snap me out of my grief 3 hours after hearing the news.

Your dh is being a twat, as is his mother. Have you anywhere you could go to stay for a day or two?

Sansoora · 30/08/2015 17:30

Perhaps you could try telling him that he's not been up to the mark for months and the last few days are the final straw - not the start of anything.

ahbollocks · 30/08/2015 17:32

I'm really sorry about your dad OP :(

I think if I was you I'd get ds to bed and put on a super sad film, forest gump or curly sue or similar and just watch and bawl my eyes out.
It can be difficult if you are the brave type, especially if you don't have anyone supportive when you need them.

How much longer are you meant to have her staying?

Finola1step · 30/08/2015 17:39

Pack a bag. Go and stay with your friends. Just you. I'm really sorry for your loss. My dad died suddenly 2 years ago and my head was spinning for months. No one has an ownership on grief and I do believe that grief is very personal. But surely anyone who has experienced any level of loss should be able to empathise with your situation. Please go and stay with people who can prioritise you. Then focus on getting through the funeral. You will be in my thoughts Flowers

Wolpertinger · 30/08/2015 17:44

Go. Go back to your friends, stay with your mum, anything. You need some space of your own with people who will consider your feelings - it really isn't that hard. Don't stay in the house with two people who clearly can't give a toss about you.

All he had to say was 'I don't know what to do, we planned for my mum to stay and she needs help but I want to help you too'. It's not that hard.

Can't believe the responses saying you need to think about his and MIL's feelings - your dad died unexpectedly (no last visits etc) a week ago. They should be focussing on your feelings.

Junosmum · 30/08/2015 17:46

Oh hun, big hugs and Flowers

You OH is being a unsympathetic silly person - my OH said 'he's being a bit of dickhead'.

ElementaryMyDear · 30/08/2015 17:48

Tell him you are not going to read his texts as they are so utterly insensitive. I agree with taking yourself away till MIL has gone.

Helpmeoutofthemaze · 30/08/2015 17:50

I'm so sorry about your dad.
Show your kids photos over the next few years, they can know that he was a lovely dad to you and loved them.
No advice re the H!

Buglife · 30/08/2015 17:52

I don't think MiL grief trumps the OPs, just that I guess that's why the visit went ahead rather than if it had been planned because MiL just fancied a visit. DH probably felt he couldn't say no to his DM because of her loss. But as I said I think the OP should tell them that she can't cope with this visit and meals out etc because of her grief and they should understand because of their recent loss and I'd hope the visit was cut short because of it. You don't have to think of their feelings if you don't want to, you're in the very early stages of loss when it's raw and crazy and you need to be comfortable at home.

Clutterbugsmum · 30/08/2015 17:58

I think it's time to either pack a bag for you and your Dc and go and stay with family or friends. Or pack his and his mums and dump them at the pub there at explaining that you dad died last week and you can not and will not put up with behaving like this.

Topseyt · 30/08/2015 18:08

I am very sorry to hear about your Dad. I am also sorry to hear that your DH is being a total dick about it.

It should be perfectly possible for him to be supportive of both you and his mother, with just a little bit of sensitivity. There is no reason why he and his mother cannot have a drink together, providing that they are sensitive to you and appreciate why you either want to join them or want to be left alone to grieve in peace for your Dad. They can also entertain your DS for a while if you are finding it hard to cope.

You were supportive of him when his grandmother died. He now needs to appreciate that not only are you very recently bereaved, but you are also pregnant with his child, which at present can only be adding to things for you.

Go now to your own supportive friends and family if you can. Turn your phone off or to silent for a while. Your DH and his mother can get a taxi home from the pub and they can look after DS.

You NEED some space and support in real life. I hope you can find it. It says something really when you seem to be getting more support from a group of randoms via the internet than from your DH.

yorkshapudding · 30/08/2015 18:30

Surprised that some pp think you're being unreasonable. Even if you were being a bit unreasonable, you'd think your DH would be able to cut you some slack under the circumstances instead of 'losing it' with you.
If your DH can't be there for you when you're pregnant and you've just lost your Dad then, actually, what is the point of him? I can't think of anything worse than having to entertain a house guest while grieving and if my DH couldn't put me first and postpone MIL's visit while I was dealing with a loss then I would be having a serious think about the future of the relationship. His priority should be taking care of you while you're grieving (not to mention carrying his child!) not throwing a tantrum because he wants to get pissed with his Mum and you don't feel like driving.
Is there anyone (friend, family) who you would be comfortable staying with for a couple of days? Someone who will look after you because, with everything that's going on, you really do deserve to be looked after.

BlackeyedSusan · 30/08/2015 18:31

can you stay with your mum? She may not have got on with your dad, but she should be able to support you through your grief.