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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL shouldn't be here and my DH is being crap?

225 replies

Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 16:31

My Dad died unexpectedly last weekend. As planned we went away to visit friends for a few days. It was a distraction of sorts but I did feel that I needed to hold back my tears.
Now we are home and DH's mother is here for the long weekend. It's been planned a while but it means that I still don't feel I have space to grieve.
We had a screaming row the day his mother arrived. He has been a bit of a crap husband lately and I told him that I needed him to step up now that this has happened. I'm pregnant and can't cope with him being rubbish on top of it all. I was looking for his reassurance but instead he took offence and got annoyed. He then started getting angry about marks on our new carpet etc.

The death really hit me yesterday and I kept bursting into tears randomly. I felt I had to hide away or disguise my tears. He then decided to have a teenagers strop when we were shopping because I asked him to get off his phone and help choose curtains.

I'm struggling with MIL being here as its her first visit to our new house and she is spending time with her grandchild etc. It's a big reminder that I will never get to show the house to my Dad and that my children won't remember him.

Today we went out again and I developed a bad headache. We were going for lunch and DH decided to remind me I was meant to be driving home. I know what he meant was that he wanted to be able to drink. So it ended in another row and I've stormed home and left them to it. Probably an overreaction on my part but my Dads just died, I'm pregnant and being expected to drive so he and his mother can drink just sent me over the edge.

AIBU or should he have cancelled his mothers visit until another time?

OP posts:
xxyummymummy28xx · 31/08/2015 11:53

Better there than at home with him. OP had already said that she didn't feel she could go to a refuge. Although I agree with a PP that it doesn't matter what he says, she may have to x

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 31/08/2015 11:53

There are no static caravans around here that I could go to even if I wanted to.

I flyaway how did you get away?

OP posts:
FrancesNiadova · 31/08/2015 12:16

Summer, YOU, YOUR SON, YOUR BABY, are the only people who need your attention right now. DH and his Mummy can sort themselves. Did they offer you anything to eat? You're pregnant & they're behaving atrociously.
MIL wants to see her Gch so You can't take YOUR son?
They're treating you as a people-carrier for her gch.
Stuff what they want, they've negated the right to be included.
Look after yourself, your child & your unborn baby
Flowers

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 31/08/2015 12:22

Op I'm so sorry you are going through this and sorry for your loss. your husband's vile and definitely abusive. i know this probably isn't what you want to think about just now but will there be any inheritance you may get from your dad? Just thinking if there is you could use it to get yourself somewhere new to live whether it's just the amount for a deposit on a rental place or deposit on a mortgage for somewhere within your budget.

FrancesNiadova · 31/08/2015 12:24

Summer
Women's Aid:
0808 2000 247
Have a look at their website. There's a section, "About domestic violence," & also a survivor's forum, (you need to click on message board).
You're not alone, there's lots of support out there for you. Flowers

Marynary · 31/08/2015 12:37

I think suggesting a women's refuge is a bit over the top. OP hasn't said that her DH is violent and whilst he is obviously an unsupportive twat her doesn't sound abusive. It would surely be better for her to stay in her house and to see a solicitor.

Scarydinosaurs · 31/08/2015 12:39

Did you say you had friends that you could stay with? It would be easier for him to go, if that's what you want.

Would he consider leaving if you told him it was temporary?

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 31/08/2015 12:49

I don't have anyone to stay with.

He won't go. I will have to find somewhere to rent.

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 31/08/2015 12:50

He doesn't have to smack her around to be abusive. He's told her she is not to take her son out today while his mother is there. Do you think he'll idly stand by if she tries to walk out that door with her son? Do you think that she doesn't feel intimidated by that situation? He IS abusive. Suggesting she talk to Women's Aid is entirely appropriate and a refuge if she is not feeling safe. And if she does not feel safe, I do not blame her one bit.

Stop minimising his behaviour by saying he's an "unsupportive twat but doesn't sound abusive."

xxyummymummy28xx · 31/08/2015 13:01

Agreed. And I speak as someone who has had extensive training in abuse. It comes in 7 forms of which physical is only one. The others are sexual, psychological, neglect, financial, institutional and discriminatory . . . the OP is suffering at least two of these from what we've heard . . . if not more from what she hasn't said.
Abusers are clever and manipulative and they thrive on power and control. She needs to break this cycle now. The sooner the better. Her children will not benefit from seeing their father treat their mother this way. And who knows how he will treat them as they grow x

xxyummymummy28xx · 31/08/2015 13:01

How are things now Summer? x

Marynary · 31/08/2015 13:04

He doesn't have to smack her around to be abusive.

Obviously he doesn't have to be violent to be abusive but OP hasn't mentioned anything else that suggests she doesn't feel safe. Although he sounds like an unsupportive twat and OP would probably be better off without him that doesn't mean that she needs to go to a refuge Hmm.

Topseyt · 31/08/2015 13:05

He sounds VERY abusive to me. He is trying to control and dictate to the OP, and that is enough.

Call Women's Aid. They should advise you at the very least.

Perhaps DH & his mum will ask to be dropped at the pub again later on. If so then that may be your chance. Drop them off there, leave them to get pissed, take your son and any important documents etc. and go to your mum's. I wouldn't tell them I was planning that. I would just do it.

Then, ignore any texts or calls from him once he has realised he was had.

MummaV · 31/08/2015 13:07

I really dont have anything to add but I couldn't just read and run.
I feel for you OP. I am so sorry for your loss and sorry that you are going through all of this at the same time. Your DH sounds like an absolute tosspot to me and you need to get away from that with your DS as soon as possible for the sake of you and your children.
I do hope you can get away and make a new life for yourself. Flowers

WyrdByrd · 31/08/2015 13:19

OP, I have been reading since the start of the thread but not commented until now.

I agree that your H is abusive and you need to get away for the good of yourself and your children, but it is your choice how you go about that.

If you are worried/scared enough about his behaviour right now (and that includes intimidation and bullying as well as actual physical violence) then you would be completely justified in heading for a refuge.

If you feel it's appropriate, go home, and start make some plans to leave ASAP. If you both work it shouldn't be too difficult for you get away without him knowing and attempting to stop you. I'm no expert on how refuges work but I imagine they must have some kind emergency accommodation you could go to whilst you make more permanent plans with help from the local council, solicitors, Shelter etc.

You absolutely do not need to consider your DH's wants or feelings in this - he has done nothing to deserve this right and you need to concentrate on you and the children now.

FWIW I think you are in a good position - you have space (while he's working or out drinking) to make plans, a job, and 2 months to go until your baby is due - you could get away and reasonably settled in that time.

BrendaandEddie · 31/08/2015 13:23

are you from the UK?
is he?
Why are all your friends abroad

SheepishWoolf · 31/08/2015 13:41

I'm with WyrdByrd if you don't feel safe, leave now, but do you think you might be able to stay in the short term, on your own terms whilst you make arrangements for an exit to a more stable, longer term new place. Move into the spare / your DS's room (don't ask your hustand to move, you know he'll enjoy refusing). Ignore him for all practical purposes - I don't mean literally, you are the grown up here - but just carry on with your day to day life without any refrence to him at all. You obviously can't rely on him for anything, so don't. You work, which is great, but do you have direct access to any other family finances, savings etc? If not, see CAB for legal advice on how to get access regardless of your husband's opinion on the matter. Get advice from your midwife on how best to look after yourself in such a stressful situation. And look after yourself and your son.

Focus on making your own plans and, of course, throw yourself into the arrangements for your lovely Dad - there's always a lot to be done and it can be very comforting to be able to express your feelings about him through the way in which you say farewell. Has he left any expression of his wishes as to how he would like things to be done, or are you free to direct things yourself? Do you have any family even if they are not local who would also be involved in this, and give you comfort and support?

Good luck.

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 31/08/2015 13:48

We are in the UK. All of my friends aren't abroad just the ones I stayed with earlier this week.

I'm perfectly safe not sure why people have the idea I'm not. Husband is self centred and inconsiderate but not abusive. He won't move because he really thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and that it will blow over.

Funeral plans are being made by my dads other daughter. Complicated story but not my sister and I don't know her.

Does anybody know if I can take anything for anxiety/ panic when pregnant? Feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 31/08/2015 13:50

I have friends but nobody I can call on. All at different life stages and bit too wrapped up in themselves. Tried to confide in best friend but she was more interested in what hotel I stayed at, even though she wouldn't know it, than what has happened between me and DH.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 31/08/2015 13:55

I have no idea what you can take for anxiety when pregnant. I think you should consult your GP on that one, but I suppose that may have to wait until tomorrow due to the bank holiday.

TheMshipIsBack · 31/08/2015 13:56

It's a bank holiday, so if your GP is closed, give NHS24 a buzz to ask about what you can take while you're pregnant and try to get yourself a clinic appointment.

OllyBJolly · 31/08/2015 14:03

OP - see your GP for some help with the stress/anxiety.

I think people are reading too much into your posts. My reading is that we have two people, with their own separate stresses and pressures who have come off track. Your dad has passed away and that's an enormous burden to deal with. You're pregnant. The MIL is staying. The DH perhaps can't deal with your bereavement (mine would find it difficult) and that is stressing him. I think I read that your MIL lost her own mother recently - so that's an additional stress on both.

The driving/lunch thing is a bit of a red herring - a situation that got out of hand because the two of your were not communicating what you really wanted and why.

I would say to them both "My father has just died and I'm not coping well. I feel I really need some space. Why doesn't DH take you home, MIL, and you come back when I'm in a better place. It will be so much easier in a few weeks."

Congrats on the pregnancy, OP, and so sorry for your loss Flowers

Gymbunny1204 · 31/08/2015 14:05

Do younger like he's bending over backwards for you?

He's gas lighting you. He's abusing you. He's abusing your child. His mother is probably egging him on.

If you want to separate you will get practical help on here but you have to accept it won't be easy but it will be better than this none life you're living now.

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 31/08/2015 14:10

MIL can't go home as she lives the other end of the country. Her train is tomorrow. He wouldn't take her even if she lived next door. He is too much of a mummy's boy who puts her needs first and overlooks her faults.

They are just getting on with whatever downstairs while I am upstairs. I wish they would go out.

OP posts:
Jux · 31/08/2015 14:21

He is abusive, Summer. I'm so sorry.

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