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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL shouldn't be here and my DH is being crap?

225 replies

Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 16:31

My Dad died unexpectedly last weekend. As planned we went away to visit friends for a few days. It was a distraction of sorts but I did feel that I needed to hold back my tears.
Now we are home and DH's mother is here for the long weekend. It's been planned a while but it means that I still don't feel I have space to grieve.
We had a screaming row the day his mother arrived. He has been a bit of a crap husband lately and I told him that I needed him to step up now that this has happened. I'm pregnant and can't cope with him being rubbish on top of it all. I was looking for his reassurance but instead he took offence and got annoyed. He then started getting angry about marks on our new carpet etc.

The death really hit me yesterday and I kept bursting into tears randomly. I felt I had to hide away or disguise my tears. He then decided to have a teenagers strop when we were shopping because I asked him to get off his phone and help choose curtains.

I'm struggling with MIL being here as its her first visit to our new house and she is spending time with her grandchild etc. It's a big reminder that I will never get to show the house to my Dad and that my children won't remember him.

Today we went out again and I developed a bad headache. We were going for lunch and DH decided to remind me I was meant to be driving home. I know what he meant was that he wanted to be able to drink. So it ended in another row and I've stormed home and left them to it. Probably an overreaction on my part but my Dads just died, I'm pregnant and being expected to drive so he and his mother can drink just sent me over the edge.

AIBU or should he have cancelled his mothers visit until another time?

OP posts:
Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 31/08/2015 10:07

Is it really abuse?
He tells me he is bending over backwards for me.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 31/08/2015 10:10

Your parent just died, you're pregnant. The only person he should be worried about right now is you. He sounds horribly self centred and clearly just wants you to STFU and fall into line. This is remarkably thoughtless behaviour. Is he always like this when YOU need support and help? Does he usually manage to shut you down and make it all about him?

xxyummymummy28xx · 31/08/2015 10:11

Oh really? In what way? All abusers make you feel that you are the one in the wrong. It's all part of their power and control.
And yes, to speak to you the way he is, is verbal abuse at a bare bare minimum. The way it is making you feel constitues psychological and emotional abuse. It would not be acceptable in normal circumstance but the fact that you are 7 months pregnant makes it downright despicable.
Do not accept this anymore Summer and do not allow him to make you feel like you're being irrational x

Blu · 31/08/2015 10:18

OP, so sorry. Horrible situation to be in at such a difficult time.

I think you need to prioritise being re united with your DS . If you stay away and leave him with H and MIL today, it will be an excuse for MIL to stay longer to 'help look after him' and framed as 'because Summer abandoned him / couldn't cope' . Your H will use this against you , potentially in a divorce battle.

Can you: go back but remove yourself into a spare room and say 'I need time alone to cope with the shock of losing my Dad' , shut yourself in and call the police if necessary?

Collect DS and go back to the friends you were with last week?

Collect your DS and go up to your Mums, booking a cheap AirNB or a holiday let static Carsvan or something ?

Is your Mum also grieving your Dad? I wondered if they were seperated as you hadn't gone to her? Is there a funeral to arrange? Work tomorrow?

Your H has not dealt well with this or shown you any sensitivity, understanding or loyalty, but the solution from now on is going to take a while to sort out.

It may be a good idea to post in Relationships were there are many people who have been through this sort of thing and know the practicalities and legal issues as well as the emotional devastation.

Thinking of you.

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 31/08/2015 10:19

Yes he does act like this when I need support. In my last pregnancy my mother split with her partner and leant heavily on me. He then started going out drinking more and stayed out all night at one point without letting me know. He tells me he " needs" to go out.

He has been drinking more and more the past few months. Letting me down etc. always has an excuse though. He didn't come home and help me wrap presents, do bedtime etc the night before our sons birthday because a colleague handed his notice in. DH "needed" to take him to the pub to discuss it as it meant an increased workload for him. " sometimes other things are more important than family" is what he told me.

OP posts:
FrancesNiadova · 31/08/2015 10:19

Summer, this beggars belief, it really does.
How is your headache this morning?
At 7 months, you need to watch your blood pressure and a headache could be a symptom of higher bp. It could also just be the incredible pressure you're under.
Either way, you're not fit to work tomorrow, working alongside colleagues, making decisions, perhaps serving the public.
In the morning, go to your GP to say what's happened:
Your Dad's just died;
Your husband and his mother are being far from supportive & abusive at times;
You're getting headaches;
You are getting near going into labour any time, you're concerned about your husband's drinking & that he won't be in a fit state to look after you/your child, when you do.
That way, you'll get your bp checked & you & baby checked out & the whole incident is on record from your perspective and not your DH and his mummy' s.
Hope you get this sorted. It will be interesting to hear what DH has to say i) when he's sober
ii) when his mummy's gone home & he hasn't got her support.
Good Luck Flowers

xxyummymummy28xx · 31/08/2015 10:32

I agree with Blu that you need to get to your son as a matter of urgency. From there, if it is possible in any way at all, I would leave with him. I'm sure your mum would have you at least for a few nights, even if that means she sleeps on the sofa. Or back to the friends you were with recently. Anywhere but with him. Static caravan is a good idea and in this weather at the end of the holidays you could get one really cheap. Take DS on a little holiday if that's your only option.
Being faced with the very real possibility of losing you may shock your husband into manning up. And if it doesn't then he's really not worth all of this heartache and you should start out on your journey just you, your DS and your new baby on your own.
If you're 7 months you can start maternity now which will give you all the time you need x

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 31/08/2015 10:35

Thanks everyone I really appreciate the support. I've felt really anxious and panicky and this advice has helped.

Should I warn him in going back or just turn up?

I need to go to work I'm afraid and can't start mat leave now. I'm doing extra hours for the next two months and I'm going to need the extra money now more than ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 31/08/2015 10:36

He hasn't contacted me at all since last night. He has no idea where I am. Just shows how little he cares really.

OP posts:
xxyummymummy28xx · 31/08/2015 10:42

He's probably still sleeping it off. Get back to your son. I would not warn him. I would just turn up.
Do you have a spare room you could stay in if you absolutely have to stay at the house in order to work? Or perhaps if you let us know your approximate location we could help try and track down some affordable accomodation for you?
If you have to stay at home I would not communicate with him at all. Be calm, collected and just say nothing. Let him see how de-sensitized you have become to it all. Only speak to him if he comes full of apology and speaking to you in a respectful way. Ignore any abusive comments and let them bounce off you.
Like any playground bully he will get bored if he does not get a reaction.
Does he speak to you this way in front of your son? x

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/08/2015 10:47

Your DH sounds like a problem drinker. He will continue to choose drink over you, so don't expect any sudden realisation from him that he is being a total shit. He will also continue to blame you because he won't acknowledge that he is the one with a problem.

You have to put your interests and that of the DC first. Speak to the council and Women's Aid about the options. Save his vile texts, they show people exactly what he is like. Sadly, I think your only option is to get away from him as he isn't going to improve. Best of luck.
IMPORTANT
When you go back to the house get important paperwork and items
Passports
Details of bank accounts
Details of mortgage
Birth certs
Details of his work
Sentimental items like photos
Any baby clothes for the new arrival
Your maternity notes

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 31/08/2015 10:58

He is a problem drinker and no he won't accept it.

OP posts:
Singsongsung · 31/08/2015 11:10

Do you use childcare for your son? Could they help you out today so that you can get sorted?

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 31/08/2015 11:14

I do but its bank holiday Monday so it's closed. DH has already said I'm not to take my son today so that his mother can't see him.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 31/08/2015 11:19

Could you go out with his mum and your son on your own, and then drop her back and leave with your son?

xxyummymummy28xx · 31/08/2015 11:22

I'm not sure why you care what he has said? You can do whatever you like. Stop allowing him to control you x

Singsongsung · 31/08/2015 11:22

Could MIL babysit so that you and your dh could go out somewhere and have a proper conversation? Do you think it's worth having a proper conversation or are you done?

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 31/08/2015 11:22

I don't want to be with his mother.

OP posts:
xxyummymummy28xx · 31/08/2015 11:31

JUST TAKE YOUR SON AND GO!!!! FUCK WHAT HE WANTS!! X

TapStepBallChange · 31/08/2015 11:33

As someone mentioned above, if you are getting headaches, please ring your midwife/ the hospital and get checked out. Given the stress you are under it would be really worthwhile getting your blood pressure checked out. Might also be worth having a chat with someone there about what's been going on in the last few days, they may be able to help.

Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 31/08/2015 11:41

I'm home with my son. He and his mother are downstairs tucking into bacon and eggs as though nothing has happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summersalmostgone · 31/08/2015 11:42

The headache was a one off. I haven't been sleeping well, was probably a bit dehydrated and really stressed.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 31/08/2015 11:42

I think you need to start worrying about yourself and not about what he says.

No husband will 'let' their wife take the kid/s to a refuge - you go because you have to. And at the moment love, you might have to.

purplepandas · 31/08/2015 11:45

Glad that you are back with your son. I agree with previous posters, you really need to think about this relationship. It sounds beyond shitty to me. Sending strength to you.

Iflyaway · 31/08/2015 11:47

As for the suggestion to go to a static caravan, I don't think that's a good idea for you to be there alone, 7 months pregnant and with a toddler.

Much better for you to contact WomensAid and get into a refuge where you will be supported.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

For what it's worth, I went through similar while pregnant and have come through to the other side. DS is so much better for it.