Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

To think MIL shouldn't be here and my DH is being crap?

225 replies

Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 16:31

My Dad died unexpectedly last weekend. As planned we went away to visit friends for a few days. It was a distraction of sorts but I did feel that I needed to hold back my tears.
Now we are home and DH's mother is here for the long weekend. It's been planned a while but it means that I still don't feel I have space to grieve.
We had a screaming row the day his mother arrived. He has been a bit of a crap husband lately and I told him that I needed him to step up now that this has happened. I'm pregnant and can't cope with him being rubbish on top of it all. I was looking for his reassurance but instead he took offence and got annoyed. He then started getting angry about marks on our new carpet etc.

The death really hit me yesterday and I kept bursting into tears randomly. I felt I had to hide away or disguise my tears. He then decided to have a teenagers strop when we were shopping because I asked him to get off his phone and help choose curtains.

I'm struggling with MIL being here as its her first visit to our new house and she is spending time with her grandchild etc. It's a big reminder that I will never get to show the house to my Dad and that my children won't remember him.

Today we went out again and I developed a bad headache. We were going for lunch and DH decided to remind me I was meant to be driving home. I know what he meant was that he wanted to be able to drink. So it ended in another row and I've stormed home and left them to it. Probably an overreaction on my part but my Dads just died, I'm pregnant and being expected to drive so he and his mother can drink just sent me over the edge.

AIBU or should he have cancelled his mothers visit until another time?

OP posts:

Hypotenuse · 30/08/2015 18:42

Don't feel like you're overreacting, they're both being shit. Pregnant, sudden loss of your father, you need all the support you can get from your husband.

He is being awful. I would take your son and go stay somewhere else, for as long as you want to, and tell him to go to hell.

jeronimoh · 30/08/2015 19:04

I'm so sorry about your Dad.
You sound absolutely exhausted.
Your MIL needs to leave. I agree with the suggestions made by hyonotenuse above. Go and stay somewhere else and leave them to it. Pair of idiots.

Blu · 30/08/2015 19:13

How are things now? OP?

You poor, poor thing. I am so sorry about your Dad, what a terrible shock. And being pg and having small children brings up all the terrible loss, of course you are grieving and raw.

Tell him, tell your DH how devastated you feel. That it is not personal to your MIL, you just cannot be on best host behaviour, you are pole axed by your loss. Tell your MIL that it isn't about her but about generations and you are devastated that your baby will not know your Dad, in the way that DH knew his grandad. Tell them both . And tell your MIL you now know how she may feel about losing her Mum, and that you are so sad that she will never see your baby either .

Don't tell them these things to 'excuse' what happened today, to justify, or to explain, just tell them how you feel because they are your relatives and it's ok to tell people of your grief.

Take care of yourself and I hope your DH's compassion is awakened . Your trip to friends may have led him to make assumptions about your needs.

Thinking of you.

rollonthesummer · 30/08/2015 19:24

He is behaving like an arse but I'm confused by the driving? Presumably you're not drinking as you are pregnant and were well enough to eat out, so does it matter if you drive home?

Original poster

Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 19:25

I'm now sat in the car in a car park with nowhere to go.

They came back and he came upstairs to ask if I was going to apologise. I said no so he launched into one about how I was aggressive blah blah and should have spoken to him like a rational human being. He is sick of being my punch bag and I shouldn't be taking my Dads death out on him.

It descended into a row and he was clearly trying to quieten me down as his mum was downstairs. He doesn't think he has been a bad husband or made my life horrible lately. He can't see the problem with him going out drinking and reckons he apologies if he has done wrong. That's a complete lie he always makes out I'm being a nag.
Anyway I left and now have nowhere to go. I've nobody nearby and am not sure I should risk motorway driving. Can't get a hotel room.

OP posts:

Original poster

Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 19:28

I had developed a bad headache in the car and felt sick. So him immediately reminding me I had to drive them home was just crap. Like him being able to drink was his main concern. He could have waited until I'd had a drink and some paracetamol to see if I felt better before mentioning it but it was his first thought.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 30/08/2015 19:29

Where is your son? Why can't you get a hotel room?

Original poster

Summersalmostgone · 30/08/2015 19:39

My son is with them.
I'm struggling to find a vacancy. I can't go back home though. He would love that.

OP posts:

HackAttack · 30/08/2015 19:39

I'm so sorry for your loss, there are no words for how much of an ass hat your husband is. I think you should be able to go home go to your own bed and tell him to piss off.

chickenfuckingpox · 30/08/2015 19:41

go get your son and stay with your family

EponasWildDaughter · 30/08/2015 19:41

Roughly where are you OP? Maybe some of us could hunt down a vacancy in an hotel for you

clam · 30/08/2015 19:41

Do you have a friend you could go and see?

allnewredfairy · 30/08/2015 19:42

Have you no-one you can impose yourself on for a few hours OP?
When I'm out of mates I tend to hole up in local cinema with a large coffee and a big bag of Minstrels.
Sorry you're going through this. Pregnancy and loss is a shite combination.

ijustwannadance · 30/08/2015 19:42

Why did you have to pick them up? They couldve used some of their drinking money on a taxi.

hackmum · 30/08/2015 19:44

Hope you're OK, OP. I'm shocked that your MIL thought this was an appropriate time to visit. I understand she has her own grief, but that should have made her more understanding of yours. The last thing you feel like doing when you're bereaved is waiting hand and foot on house guests. I would have found that intolerable. And you're pregnant as well - this is really too much.

EponasWildDaughter · 30/08/2015 19:44

How pregnant are you summer? Just trying to get the picture. Advice for what to do right now would be different for an 8 and a half months gone woman compared to 5 or 6 weeks for eg. :)

Marynary · 30/08/2015 19:46

Your DH and MIL are being very inconsiderate and completely unreasonable to expect you to look after/entertain/be a taxi service for guests just after your father has died. The fact that you stayed with friends afterwards isn't really relevant as they are your friends and presumably were supporting you and looking after you rather than the other way around. I'm surprised your MIL is still there and would probably ask her if she wouldn't mind leaving to be honest.

DoJo · 30/08/2015 19:48

He is texting me now to say how out of order I am and that he is trying to keep everybody happy.

He's doing a shit job of it then - your dad's just died, there's no way to 'keep you happy', all there is is someone who's supposed to love you doing whatever they can to help you get through the grief. And he isn't doing anything even close to that. for you and I agree with everyone who has suggested getting away from him and your MIL for a couple of days and giving yourself some time to focus on yourself, your emotions and your loss.

Marynary · 30/08/2015 19:51

He is behaving like an arse but I'm confused by the driving? Presumably you're not drinking as you are pregnant and were well enough to eat out, so does it matter if you drive home?

I presume that OP (like many people) would really have liked a drink herself under the circumstances. Obviously she can't because she is pregnant but it would be nice if her MIL and DH would also abstain while she is with them rather than rubbing her face in it.

PosterEh · 30/08/2015 19:57

I expect that the OP didn't want to drive because she felt unwell.

And on hearing she was unwell her DH's primary concern was how it would affect his plans to drink - not whether she was ok etc.

Blu · 30/08/2015 20:00

I think the issue is that the OP developed a terrible headache and wanted to go home, whereas DH wanted her to stay as she was due to drive them home? Due to not drinking?

OP, it is a perfect storm of upset. A sensitive MIL would realise that you at grieving and would ask if it were ok to visit, and if visiting would assume that her role was to take up some slack and care for you.

I can ou presume it is normally a fairly tense relationship ? Anyway, as I said, tell them, explicitly , how distressed and devastated you feel .

Jux · 30/08/2015 20:04

My dh was crap when my mum died (apparently he was very upset because he loved her so much; she was my mum). He also told people, like dd's headmistress and our gp how horrible I was being. Not a mention of how he let me down in every single thing I asked him to help me with, organising mum's funeral, (and then my brother's very soon after). No, it was I being dreadful and mean.

I don't know what the answer is, except to go somewhere where you can do a bit of crying and be looked after. Back to your friends? The ones you spent the weekend with, I mean.

Scarydinosaurs · 30/08/2015 20:05

Keep trying for a vacancy. A bit of space, some crap TV and a good cry is what you need.

You also need your DH to put some husbanding into practice. I'm sorry he is being so awful.

I would be blunt- "remember when your grandmother died and I supported you by doing x y and z? Well you've invited your mother round and been more bothered by her and drinking than me."

LaContessaDiPlump · 30/08/2015 20:19

Your H sounds like a right twat op - I'm sorry he's being so awful.

Please go to a friend's house if you can.

fastdaytears · 30/08/2015 20:26

Friend or hotel. Just sort that and then you'll have the biggest thing done. You need to be comfortable and quiet.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9