To not take Dd anywhere 'posh' any more because of how she looks?

[JeffsanArsehole]

We have always gone on theatre/play trips and she's very keen but we usually combine it with a fancy afternoon tea/dinner somewhere really fancy.

I don't want to go with her any more because of how she looks. All in black, cheap corsets, giant goth platforms, plus 50 piercings including giant ear stretcher thingies etc.

Ive refused to criticise or say I don't like her 'style' as I'm a liberal and think she can choose her own self expression.

But at the same time I don't want to go to fancy places while she has such an 'out there' anti establishment style.

(Yes, I'm dreading the huge tattoos she's going for soon)

Yabu. You know you are too

What's more important? Appearance to others or your DD?

Btw OP, I suggest you dig out your hard hat as I suspect you'll be needing it soon.

Aw I think it's fine.

She's not you- no one will think anything of you- let her be a crazy out there teen. I always grin when I see kids like that, with their mums and dads.

How old is she? Most "posh" places have a dress code (a bit like you aren't meant to wear ripped jeans in Harrods). Perhaps have a chat with her about how she is welcome to wear black but needs to keep to the dress code of the place you are going to (so no OTT piercings).

Yanbu about the ear stretchy things - I saw them all the time growing up (Brighton) and ugh. Didn't think they were still a thing.

YABU.

YABU. The way she dresses is up to her. The more you object the more extreme she'll be (if she's anything like I was). Just smile, nod, and say "yes that's nice" when she shows you something new.

I think because she's your dd you probably can't have an opinion about it. But Yanbu, I don't like that look at all. Don't most posh places have a dress code though.

She won't take out the piercings and the ear stretcher things are an inch across

So I think the fact that she won't take them out counts her out of going there

Before anyone jumps on me I take her everywhere else but I'm not taking her to the Ritz for afternoon tea because of it. I don't want to pay 50 a head to have people stare at me all afternoon.

YABU. If she's old enough to wear corsets then she's old enough to figure this out too

She's your daughter. People, even in posh places, know that children do their own thing when it comes to fashion.

Well - the theatres will probably want her photograph for their ghastly, patronising "outreach" pages.

How old is she? If over 13 just be grateful that she ever wants to go anywhere with you anyway.

I don't judge her and if you read my OP I never criticise or offer an opinion

I always say 'that's fine, your body etc etc'

YANBU. She can't be anti establishment while at the same time wanting to be part of the establishment. The theatre is fine but I wouldn't take her for tea at the Dorchester (or anywhere fancy).

No one will stare at you - or if they do it's with sympathy(!) or admiration for being such a nice mum who knows it's not important.

Yabu. If it's her actual true style, you need to respect it and learn to accept it. If it's just a phase and she's doing it for a reaction, you're response will encourage her more. Plus telling her you don't actually approve is more likely to make her stick with it to prove a point, whatever her reasons are.
I don't read your post as generally disapproving and I get the impression it's more that look not being appropriate in some environments, which I do understand. But I think it's still something where her view is the priority.

I think you know YABU. If you support her self-expression, you won't dictate how she looks when she goes out. Do you still dress the same as when you were a teen?

I'm sure she'll understand some places call for certain dress codes too.

YABU...

If you don't like what she wears, i.e. cheap corsets, why not help her look for nicer looking alternatives?

Suggest a goth-style evening dress for posh nights out?

I don't think goth/emo is particularly anti-establishment anymore, it's way more mainstream than it was when I was a teenager. People are much more used to seeing 'alternative' dress around nowadays

I'm 35 and a lot of my clothes are goth/emo/alt - I wear black nearly every day and still manage to hold down a good job in an office. My sister is covered in tattoos and piercings, and runs a successful business.

I do think it's a bit shallow, she is your daughter, after all. Which is more important; your relationship with her or the opinions of a bunch of random strangers you will probably never see again?

Tattoos and those repulsive earhole stretcher things? You have my sympathies, OP. But why does your DD feel the need to comply with the teenage trend to make herself ugly?

I don't get to insist or tell her to tone it down to go out, there's no way I'm having an argument over this. She would refuse to tone it down.

My only choice is not to go to the really fancy places. But I wanted to go to the ritz or claridges for afternoon tea at christmas.

Maybe take her to places where she'll feel more comfortable? I don't live in London any more so don't know where there is that she'd like, but I think you will easily find places that aren't Tea at The Ritz but also aren't Pizza Hut.

She doesn't want 'nicer looking alternatives', she chooses her own things.

I was out recently at a seaside town where there were a few (absolutely not the majority) women with tattoos and/or ear stretchers. The men we were with were unanimous: only really ugly women did that to themselves - presumably it was the only way to get anyone to look at them...