To not take Dd anywhere 'posh' any more because of how she looks?

[JeffsanArsehole]

We have always gone on theatre/play trips and she's very keen but we usually combine it with a fancy afternoon tea/dinner somewhere really fancy.

I don't want to go with her any more because of how she looks. All in black, cheap corsets, giant goth platforms, plus 50 piercings including giant ear stretcher thingies etc.

Ive refused to criticise or say I don't like her 'style' as I'm a liberal and think she can choose her own self expression.

But at the same time I don't want to go to fancy places while she has such an 'out there' anti establishment style.

(Yes, I'm dreading the huge tattoos she's going for soon)

Agree. The problem is that she's ridiculously pretty. It's so hideous.

Oh dear. I was invited to a private event to take breakfast at Buckingham Palace (and allowed to take photos in the state rooms, which is usually completely forbidden!) and then to have a look around Clarence House yesterday despite the fact that I have bright blue hair, piercings, visible tattoos and wear goth clothes. This wasn't an unusual event for me and I go to 'fancy places' all the time. No one ever bats an eyelash and in fact I usually get loads of compliments. Luckily people respect the work I do as a writer and a historian enough to overlook the way that I choose to dress. :)

I used to take my teen dn out when they thought they were extras in towie. I did have a few moments of -hmm, really? - but we got on with it.

I prefer the teen goth look.

You look fabulous

She doesn't look like that, she has masses of facial piercings.

How about one of these more alternative afternoon teas? Might be more fun!

www.timeout.com/london/restaurants/the-15-quirkiest-afternoon-teas-in-london

Mme, you look great- that dress is v demure tho ;)

Yes, I was about to suggest a Google search for "alternative" afternoon teas, there are loads!

Oh don't be daft. 'Hideous' - pffft.

Take her if you want to take her, don't if you are ashamed of how she looks.

YANBU

You like ear stretchers hazyjane?

I think it's fine to say I think they're hideous

I would look into taking her somewhere fancy out East or something, it's more alternative there and those hipsters love them some afternoon tea.

She is going to have to learn to adhere to a dress code eventually though, they unfortunately follow us through life.

We go to quite "naice" functions and places a lot, my kids go to private school etc, they get that they have to tow the line and the Nike trainers and diamond studs have to be left at home, no caps and all of that, their style doesn't match every aspect of their lifestyle and they get that (ghastly little monsters they are )

Not saying you have to be tough with her or nasty, but surely there is one outfit she can pull together that would get her into the ritz/claridges, the stretchers and piercings aren't an issue, the corsets would be though. I had tea there the other day and wore crazy high heels myself and was on the just about tasteful side of trashy, my friend is covered in tattoos but was dressed sensibly otherwise, people don't dress up for it as much as people think. Call them and ask them would be my advice, they're used to dealing with teens and dress code issues I'm sure!

Jeff Thank you!

Being cheerful and chatty helps a lot. However, when I was a teenaged goth back in the day, I was a right surly so and so to go with the look so perhaps wouldn't have made the most ideal tea and cakes at the Ritz companion to be fair! If your daughter is otherwise delightful company though then I would perhaps persevere and see if she'll tone it down a bit? :)

Actually,YANBU. I think the way we dress is important and people do judge you according to how you look. I don't mean we should all be dressing fashionably or put in loads of effort or whatever but do follow the basic dress code. So no, I can't blame you for not going somewhere fancy if she dresses that way. People will stare and they will judge. And your DD knows it and that's what she wants, she wants to look all rebellious and attract attention. Fine. But no need to drag you, her mother, into it. I wouldn't want to spend loads of money so someone can ruin the experience because they refuse to wear something decent. And I speak as someone who used to dress like your daughter when I was 16. My parents made it very clear I had to tone it down when we went to certain places. And no, it didn't ruin my relationship with them.

Gooroo that link doesn't work for me, it takes me to buy a time out card

Ive refused to criticise or say I don't like her 'style' as I'm a liberal and think she can choose her own self expression.

Is there perhaps a mismatch between what you are (not) saying to your daughter and what you're actually thinking? Even if you are as liberal as you think, your desire to conform and not stand out is obviously greater than your desire to be liberal.

Does your daughter like going to posh places to eat, or would she be equally happy eating elsewhere?

OP I get you. It's hard. My DD is only 11 but is already a very alternative fashion fan. She favours Japanese fashion....which means she comes out in odd combos which might look great on a 17 year old but on an 11 year old, just looks nuts.

The other day she wore a baseball cap with a net fascinator attached to it and a toadstool print shirt dress....with neon plastic Doc style boots. I'd like her to wear a lovely little frock but she wont'....I have to accept it.

Oh OP! Also..my dd met the town's Mayoress recently and her deputy or whatever the "second Mayoress" is called had bright purple hair on with formal robes! Marvelous! SHe also had a big flower in her up do.

Oh weird, sorry JeffsanArsehole If you stick alternative afternoon teas into Google it brings up loads :) I particularly like the look of the late night rock and roll one!

hypocrite Thank you! I know - it's MUCH more demure than I would usually wear but it's a new frock that required an outing!

However, it's a good compromise for someone looking for a goth special occasion dress if you're ever in the market for one, OP! ;)

YAB extremely U! Just from her dress sense sounds like the kind of creative person who will grow up to work in the theatre or the arts. You sound like the kind of person who only goes to see them because you think it's a naice middle class thing to do. I work in the arts and I know I'd rather have your daughter than you in the audience for anything I had written. Not to mention the fact that theatres and opera houses are gagging to attract young people like your daughter. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but really!!

Part of me thinks "OP sounds really snobby and uptight" but part of me agrees your DD probably does look a bit immature for these luxury venues. Looking 'alternative' is not the issue here, as PPs have mentioned, if she wanted to, she could go for a more formal look while still looking gothic or whatever.

I know I find it really unappealing when I go to a 5* hotel and see people in overly casual clothes, like football kits or tracksuits, in the dining room. It's escapism, you pay a lot of money to go somewhere nice and it just takes away from the luxurious atmosphere when you see other people dressed like they're in McDonalds or ASDA.

Good grief, you sound like an utter snob. Have you actually asked your child if she would actually like to go to either of the establishments you're whining about? If she doesn't, go on your own or with somebody else who appreciates the more mainstream things in life. She's your daughter not a mannequin.

Yes fascicle there is a mismatch. I choose not to say to her that I think her lobes to her jawline are hideous as I want to keep a good relationship with her.

But I can privately think it.

There are lots of nice goth clothing websites where you can still do the whole dressing-in-black thing but look girly; and corsets don't have to mean your boobs are out all over the place.

Pic is me, at a bike rally...Black dress, dark make up....still smart enough for the ritzy I think!!