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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not take Dd anywhere 'posh' any more because of how she looks?

251 replies

JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 13:40

We have always gone on theatre/play trips and she's very keen but we usually combine it with a fancy afternoon tea/dinner somewhere really fancy.

I don't want to go with her any more because of how she looks. All in black, cheap corsets, giant goth platforms, plus 50 piercings including giant ear stretcher thingies etc.

Ive refused to criticise or say I don't like her 'style' as I'm a liberal and think she can choose her own self expression.

But at the same time I don't want to go to fancy places while she has such an 'out there' anti establishment style.

(Yes, I'm dreading the huge tattoos she's going for soon)

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 21/08/2015 07:11

Sounds like it would be a waste of money and effort going to a posh place for afternoon tea. Why would your DD want to go there or even enjoy it that much anyway? Is she even that bothered about It.

You may be worrying unduly. Far more than it sounds she is, anyway!

Scoobydoo8 · 21/08/2015 07:24

Imv you are a normalish human being with confidence fails, worries, embarrassments like all other human beings.

So I feel it is a learning slope for your DD to empathise, understand and accept that you don't like being seen with her anywhere that her choice causes you to stand out like a sore thumb.

The idea that our DCs are perfect in all they do and say and it is US with the problem seems daft to me.

Perhaps you will learn to accept her style in time if, eg , she is charming and pleasant to all around her. Perhaps she will learn that other people's feelings count too sometimes.

Just explain to her your problem.

nooka · 21/08/2015 07:50

My dd is 14 and I would be really really upset if she decided to modify her face in permanent and to me upsettingly ugly ways (like stretchers and bar piercings or facial tattoos). Like many parents I imagine, I look at her all the time (because she lives with me not because I'm some weirdo!) and take some pleasure in how lovely she looks to me. She has a very interesting style sense, currently has blue hair and is a bit of an otaku. I'm more than happy to encourage her to express herself, but surely most of us have our boundaries, things that we would find off putting and unattractive?

I don't think it's particularly snobbish to think a face full of metal and distorted ears isn't an attractive look, especially when we think that the original face was just beautiful the way it was?

Apparently earlobe repair operations is a growing field in cosmetic surgery, costing several thousand pounds or so. Possibly a quicker and more effective fix than trying to get rid of a facial tattoo though.

Gatekeeper · 21/08/2015 08:54

Nooka I feel the same way about my beautiful quirky dd (13) who is like your dd. I feel almost nauseated when I see 'flesh tunnels' and facial piercings. My young cousin is stunningingly pretty but you can no longer see this as she has a face full of piercings- all along her eyebrows, the bit of skin at the top of her nose, septum bars, cheeks, loads in her lips and two inch tunnels. It seems like mutilation to me Sad

StampyMum · 21/08/2015 09:12

OP, I really feel for you, I'd be horrified if my child mutilated their face like that. For a mum who has spent all those years protecting their precious wee cheeks, it must be so hard.

Honestly, I think YANBU. You know people who choose one of those scary bull terrier dogs and them moan because people are scared of them? I think, "No, sorry, you chose a scary dog, so deal with the consequences." And I think these extreme piercings are similar - it's not a style you adopt because you want to look nice, it's an aggressive-looking statement, and if you make yourself loook like that, then you have to accept that people will feel uncomfortable looking at you. No way would I take her to the Ritz, and I doubt I'd be able to be as nice about is as you are. Absolutely take my hat off to you for handling it so well so far.

And to the PP who thinks those hideous ear things are classy - uh, no, they're not.

Gatekeeper · 21/08/2015 09:23

classy to me = elegant and effortlessly stylish , not having earlobes sliced and stretched; they tend to smell awful as well

CassieBearRawr · 21/08/2015 11:55

They only smell bad if they're not cleaned (its a build up of dead cells and lymph that causes that 'ear cheese' smell you're thinking of. Regular cleaning avoids that). Mine never smell.

Attractive is a subjective opinion. Luckily we don't all have to be or think the same.

googoodolly · 21/08/2015 15:05

What's attractive (or not) is all personal opinion, though.

I have a tattoo and 15 piercings. My dad regularly tells me he hates it, but I don't really understand why he bothers. Firstly, I'm an adult and can do whatever I want to my body, and secondly, I really don't care about his opinion on my personal style.

As for it being a "statement" Hmm - how about they just like it? I didn't get a tattoo or lots of piercings to "state" anything. I just think they look pretty and because they're discreet, most people don't even notice at first.

Love the judgements towards piercings and tattoos on this thread, though. I do think in about 20 years, they'll be seen as normal.

Scoobydoo8 · 22/08/2015 15:23

A year or two ago there were loads of earlobe holes in younger men round here, they've largely disappeared, in fact I can't think I've seen one in months.

But I did wonder what would happen if you got into a fight, a bit like long hair, their an easy target to grab and pull.

I would say the fads passed and they've been stitched up. So your DDs will be stitched too before long more than likely.

notquiteruralbliss · 22/08/2015 18:22

Why not get your daughter to suggest somewhere for you both to go out tea. In her position , the last place I would want to go would be somewhere stuffy or with a strict dress code but there must be lots of upmarket, quirky places in London, that wouldn't bat an eyelid at whatever she chose to wear.

star8369 · 22/08/2015 18:24

yabu

IonaNE · 22/08/2015 21:15

Sorry OP, haven't read all 10 pages but does she actually want to go to Ritz/Claridges? Judging for the way she looks based on your description, I'd guess the answer is "no". (I also think that look is quite awful btw and re. the ear-stretchers: if she ever gets tired of the look she'll need plastic surgery.)

IonaNE · 22/08/2015 21:17

Oh, and YANBU. By choosing to look like that I think your daughter has excluded herself from certain places. :(

lemonade30 · 22/08/2015 21:32

to know this isn't remotely helpful but;

if my children ever see fit to fashion themselves some modified earlobes then rest assured that I'll be tearing them a new arsehole.

obviously if they're adults I'll have to begrudgingly keep my hands to myself, if not my opinions. Wink

parents of children allowing them to mutilate their faces? I am resolutely shocked and I don't mind admitting to that.

Scoobydoo8 · 23/08/2015 06:19

Love the judgements towards piercings and tattoos on this thread, though. I do think in about 20 years, they'll be seen as normal

I doubt it - I was going to say I can't think of any fashion that has come in and stayed in and was going to say denim jeans but of course a fine example of fashion getting dated was the Clarkson effect which scuppered ordinary levis.

So once the 'fashionable' ones hit about 40 the twenty somethings won't be seen dead with it.

blibblobblub · 23/08/2015 06:42

lona she won't need plastic surgery Hmm you can just get the lobes sewn back up.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 23/08/2015 06:46

Lemonade I think that saying...the casual violence of it...is far worse than a few piercings and a corset.

"Tear you a new arsehole"

My God it's horrid!

iamaboveandBeyond · 23/08/2015 08:39

Honestly not shocked by this thread, though i know there are many modded parents here, I know there are many more who are vocal in their opinions.

My ears now in the pic, nigh on 30. Luckily my parents were never ashamed to take me anywhere as a teenager, nor are they now i have added many tattoos into the mix.

As an aside, if you want to treat her to a dress in her kind of style for an afternoon out, i recommend Hell Bunny (in true mum-style recommendation, their dresses wash and keep better than any others i have tried Grin )

lemonade30 · 23/08/2015 09:01

I can assure you that I have no objections to corsets housey Grin

nooka · 23/08/2015 09:05

The lobe surgery is done by a plastic surgeon, as it's technically cosmetic surgery even though it's reconstructive.

StickEm · 23/08/2015 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sportinguista · 23/08/2015 09:34

Both myself and DH have piercings and tats and dress in black, alternative stuff. DH has good job, I run my own business. I go to business events and we both go to posh places on occaision. We also have a DS and he may want to do the same. I won't be making concessions for the benefit of those people who want to remain bland!

iamaboveandBeyond true Hell Bunny stuff is good and there are also other brands on the net plus loads of shops who do custom stuff. Alernatively you can do like I used to and make some stuff of your own. I used to be very goth ( I have less time to get ready now, so less high maintenance) and I have stuff like a really gorgeous lace evening dress which I used to team with bike boots. I also have a friend who does some of the most gorgeous stuff imaginable who is on the net with her own company, forget the name but it does have demon or demonia somewhere in the name.

Above all free expression is better than following like a sheep!

Ally1234 · 23/08/2015 10:46

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Dress codes are part of life, it's about being respectful and considerate. However, casting my mind back to my own teenage goth years, I wonder if you said you would take her to the ritz, she would actually choose herself to tone it down slightly and to dress up. Id say give her the chance, and if she insists on wearing her normal outfit and you feel uncomfortable then don't do it again with her. But she may just surprise you.
I have tattoos and have had many many piercings and think myself pretty liberal too, but my big no-no'a are facial tattoos and those stretchy love things. Just yuck! I would be horrified if any of my kids came home with them and would happily tell them too. Good relationships are based on honesty after all x

Ally1234 · 23/08/2015 10:47

Lobe not love darn autocorrect x

Jux · 23/08/2015 12:50

DD's a goth, though she tones it down a lot at normal times. She'd pull out all the stops for an occasion, though. I like it (am jealous - wish I'd had the guts to be a goth myself when they first appeared, how many years ago!). I don't like the ear-stretchers either, think they're revolting, and what happens when it's no longer hip to have them? Loops of ear flopping about, ewww.

Anyway, no one at the Ritz will worry about your dd. Most customers will have seen so many people looking like her that she'll not be of interest.

If you can't stand being looked at, ask the staff to seat you so you have your back to the room and then you won't see.