Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not take Dd anywhere 'posh' any more because of how she looks?

251 replies

JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 13:40

We have always gone on theatre/play trips and she's very keen but we usually combine it with a fancy afternoon tea/dinner somewhere really fancy.

I don't want to go with her any more because of how she looks. All in black, cheap corsets, giant goth platforms, plus 50 piercings including giant ear stretcher thingies etc.

Ive refused to criticise or say I don't like her 'style' as I'm a liberal and think she can choose her own self expression.

But at the same time I don't want to go to fancy places while she has such an 'out there' anti establishment style.

(Yes, I'm dreading the huge tattoos she's going for soon)

OP posts:
Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 14:15

I also work in the arts john, so
You couldn't be more wrong Grin

Not really a snob either I don't think. Surely it's possible there's a grey area between totally conforming and not being let in because you're inappropriately dressed? I definitely don't think she's a mannequin Shock

OP posts:
TheWildRumpyPumpus · 20/08/2015 14:16

If you can't beat them, join them

Tell her your latest copy of 'Women and Home' magazine tells you that goth fashion is in style for mums this season and you'd love to go shopping for some similar clothes for you.

She'll have discarded the black and piercings before you know it.

(Although what's wrong with a bit of individuality?).

MmeGuillotine · 20/08/2015 14:17

mermaid You look awesome!

Flingmoo · 20/08/2015 14:17

Mermaid you look badass! Picturing you revving into the Ritz on that bike mowing down any snobs in your path Grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/08/2015 14:17

I think you're not that unreasonable, tbh. But nor is she unreasonable to not want to change the way she looks, because it's part of her.

However, there are places that aren't going to "approve" of her look and may refuse her entry - so why bother with those places while she maintains her current look?

Go somewhere else instead, where they won't criticise her look; find "her people" because she'll be happier there anyway.

I don't think you sound particularly snobbish either - you're just aware that some places have dress codes etc. and you don't want to put your DD into a position where she would either breach them, or go against her own self.

MmeGuillotine · 20/08/2015 14:19

thewildrumpy You just have to look at all the gothic types hanging about on Mumsnet to know that goth is ALWAYS in style for some mums! Grin

BastardGoDarkly · 20/08/2015 14:22

Awww, my Mam had all this with me. She didn't want to go anywhere fancy though, so this problem never came up.

Does she want to go to the ritz? If not, go to a nice bistro after the theatre and take someone else to the ritz?

I don't think you're a terrible snob BTW Hmm

middlings · 20/08/2015 14:25

MmeGuillotine you look lovely - I love a good Peter Pan collar on a dress.

I think YANBU OP. I think the thing is that, whatever your personal style, sometimes you have to dress to conform to the occasion. I'm wearing a suit as I type this, as I'm at work in my office job. When I get home, I shall be in pj bottoms and a t-shirt as quickly as humanly possible. Wouldn't swap those outfits! Same thing applies to the Ritz!

OllyBJolly · 20/08/2015 14:30

Feel your pain, OP. I pride myself on being broad minded and unshockable and would accept anything but these ear stretchy things? Yeuch! DD1 (perfectly shaped ears) has now ruined them and (blessed with beautiful skin) also has a penchant for tattoos ...

I think it's up to you. It's your money and your treat. Find somewhere else to go with your daughter, and go with a friend to the Ritz.

(If you don't like what she wears, i.e. cheap corsets, why not help her look for nicer looking alternatives? Do you have older children? Hmm )

notquitehuman · 20/08/2015 14:35

Goth isn't all that rebellious and out there anymore. And those ear stretchy things can be repaired, so it's not the end of the world. To be honest I probably wouldn't bat an eyelid if I saw a teenager dressed like that somewhere posh. Most places with fancy dress codes are usually just full of tourists in shorts anyway, and I've never seen them turned away.

In 10 years she'll probably be into rockabilly with all the other retired goths!

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 14:36

I do have older children, she's the last child. The others are more conformist, which is probably why she's carved out a niche for herself as the 'alternative' one. They all work in the arts too.

I definitely wouldn't take her shopping, she has her own clothing allowance. After about 14 there was no way I was going to pick clothing battles. She hates shopping anyway, she buys everything online.

I can easily (and do) take her to somewhere less fancy. It was me that wanted the fancy tea. I know she would want to come, she loves cake.

She's not a surly type either though she would be defensive about us suggesting she dressed differently, no one likes having their personal style criticised.

OP posts:
Mermaid36 · 20/08/2015 14:38

Olly - there are a lot of nice corsets out there, ones that don't require you to show massive cleavage to wear them, and that don't look like bondage-wear....

RandomFriend · 20/08/2015 14:39

YANBU. I would like to be tolerant but I would hate it if DD did tatoos or extra piercing.

BoboChic · 20/08/2015 14:41

There is nothing "alternative" about piercings/tattoos/ear stretchers etc. They are a totally mainstream choice - masses of people have them. They are ugly, however.

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 14:42

She favours the black leather bondage wear ones Grin

DH has learned to avert his eyes when she comes down so he can not look horrified Grin poor bastard

Her latest thing she modelled yesterday was 2 bulldog clip thingies attached to her corset on a cord that goes round her neck. I said it would be useful to hold her Oyster card Grin

Yes, I'm sure there's an element of attempting to shock

OP posts:
Flingmoo · 20/08/2015 14:45

Stationery chic...

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 14:50

It's supposed to clip to both nipples...

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 20/08/2015 14:55

Do any of those 'quirky tea' places have a distinctive dress code? Maybe you could then show it to her as 'We can go to this, we'll both have to dress up/down/differently, what fun'. She might not get the hump if you're both changing your style for the day.

I don't think you're being that bad, by the way - you're allowed to dislike what she wears. My mother used to force me into clothes she'd chosen and then complain about how fat and ugly and unattractive I was, so you seem like a practical paragon in comparison Grin

middlings · 20/08/2015 14:57

I think I'm going to show DH this thread. The DDs are 3 & 2. It will scare the living shit out of him Grin.

Your DD sounds brilliant by the way OP. I like her.

Wolpertinger · 20/08/2015 14:57

The Ritz, Claridges and the Dorchester all have v strict dress codes. I think from what you are describing she wouldn't be allowed in to at least some of them.

DixieNormas · 20/08/2015 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BastardGoDarkly · 20/08/2015 14:59

Those ear stretchers are hideous!

Gatekeeper · 20/08/2015 15:00

How old is she?

fabuLou · 20/08/2015 15:01

You sound like a great mumFlowers now hiding the thread, I have 4 dcs, the oldest is only 13. Stop scaring me.Shock

sticklebrickstickle · 20/08/2015 15:05

If you want to go somewhere as a treat for you and it has a dress code YWNBU to invite your family and explain to all of them if they want to go they will have to dress in X way.

Everybody, including your DD, can then decide if they're happy to dress in that way and attend or would rather not go.