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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not take Dd anywhere 'posh' any more because of how she looks?

251 replies

JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 13:40

We have always gone on theatre/play trips and she's very keen but we usually combine it with a fancy afternoon tea/dinner somewhere really fancy.

I don't want to go with her any more because of how she looks. All in black, cheap corsets, giant goth platforms, plus 50 piercings including giant ear stretcher thingies etc.

Ive refused to criticise or say I don't like her 'style' as I'm a liberal and think she can choose her own self expression.

But at the same time I don't want to go to fancy places while she has such an 'out there' anti establishment style.

(Yes, I'm dreading the huge tattoos she's going for soon)

OP posts:
kali110 · 20/08/2015 15:09

Wow i feel so bad for your daughter and so thankful for my parents!
I went through the goth stage when i was younger.
I still have loads of piercings and im in my 30s and i don't always wear trendy clothes.
My mom hates them but would not have refused to go to 'posh' places with me just because of it!
Thankfully neither have any guy i have ever gone out with.

kali110 · 20/08/2015 15:10

Oh and i have never been refused entry to anywherefor my dress or piercings.

PatricianOfAnkhMorpork · 20/08/2015 15:10

Actually I think you CAN take her to the Ritz as she amazingly doesn't break the dress code on their website!

Reflecting the elegant nature of the hotel’s architecture The Ritz London has a dress code in different areas of the hotel as follows: Gentlemen are required to wear a jacket and tie (jeans are not permitted) for afternoon tea in The Palm Court and for lunch and dinner in The Ritz Restaurant and Terrace. In all other areas of the hotel (The Ritz Restaurant breakfast service, The Rivoli Bar, The Long Gallery) and The Ritz Club, smart casual attire is suitable. Please note that trainers or sportswear are not permitted in any of the hotel or Club’s restaurants or bars.

Beyond the jeans and trainers bit, its only the MEN that have to be properly attired Grin

SheepishWoolf · 20/08/2015 15:17

Sorry OP but I think you're trying to have your cake and eat it here!

You are (quite rightly) proud of being liberal and open-minded and so I can understand it really sticks in your throat to be in a position where you feel you would have to openly undermine your DD's style choices in order to have her company for 'posh' tea. But you want to have her company, and the posh tea! And why not?!

It sounds as if you have a really great relationship with your DD - so do you think you could simply admit your dilemma and allow her to deal with it?

kali110 · 20/08/2015 15:18

Wow only hideous women do this?
What about the men?
I don't do it for other people to look at, i do it for me.
Whatever blokes have the opinions that only ugly women do it, then they are not the blokes i ever want to meet.

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 15:23

The only bit I think is hideous is the one inch ear thingies

I don't think she is hideous, just the lobes

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 20/08/2015 15:26

I don't get this at all.

If she is rebelling surely if you never say no she is just going to push the boundaries further and further.

I'm all for having your own style. But I think there is a way of doing it that is respectful to others. There are a few basics everyone should have. The toned down dress/outfit for smart going out with mum/nan etc is just a basic.

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 15:32

I say no about important things, she has plenty of boundaries. I don't say no about what to do with her own body (within the bounds of legality). I refused permission for tattoos when she was under 18 and told her that if she persuaded anywhere to do them I would report them as its illegal.

She's now grown out of her one dress she would wear that was sensible (a black lace maxi dress).

Ive actually just mentioned it to her and she was very keen on the cake aspect. I mooted questions about what to wear and dress codes and she had a look and none specify anything about piercings etc

OP posts:
MsRinky · 20/08/2015 15:42

I wouldn't be able to eat in the company of anyone with those lobe things, they really turn my stomach.

If she's out to shock, it's probably more fun at the Ritz than at some hip East End place where no-one will bat an eyelid. I'd be so tempted to volunteer to dress the same as her "so that you don't stick out like a sore thumb, darling" and see what she says...

Flingmoo · 20/08/2015 15:42

Another thought: she is at an age where she might be leaving home in the coming years. You might regret not making the most of the time together, regardless of silly outfits, when she lives away and you don't see her as much. I'm 25 and I always wish I had more time to do these things with my mum but just don't get the time these days now I have my own family, she works full time and so do I. I'd make the most of it.

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 15:44

She's thinking about doing the stretcher thingies in the top half if her ear too, not just the lobe

Yes, she's moving out next year to go to college. That's why I'm planning for the christmas theatre trip, it will be our last one.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 20/08/2015 15:48

I think YANBU. Dress codes are part of life and it's massively disingenuous to pretend people don't judge you on appearance. IMO you are doing your DD a favour if you gently educate her to have a level of social awareness about appropriate clothing. People who just blithely tell their DC 'everyone should accept you for who you are' are misleading their children about how the world really works.

RabbitRedux · 20/08/2015 15:49

I wouldn't go to Claridge's with someone dressed like a goth, because it's a breach of the dress code. If she wants to dress like that, she needs to accept that it's not suitable for all venues.

I would be unhappy about ear stretchers, to say the least. Same with tattoos.

sparechange · 20/08/2015 15:50

Take her for lunch at somewhere in Shoreditch. They won't bat an eyelid, other than maybe to sneer that she isn't hipster enough, but you won't get anyone saying she is underdressed.
There are lots of lovely restaurants there as well...

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 20/08/2015 15:52

I once booked to take my brother to the Savoy...we were asked to leave as the "young gentleman is wearing denim" ....it was the eighties.

Still we both save this as our best anecdote "I've been thrown out of better places than this!!"

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/08/2015 15:53

Unfortunately the claridges dress code just says smart casual, no jeans, sportswear, flip flops, trainers.

It doesn't count out any of her particular modes

I don't want to go to Shoreditch, we go out all the time to normal places, I want to go somewhere fancy. But of course I don't want to be stared at. And they definitely will stare.

OP posts:
marmitemofo · 20/08/2015 15:56

YABU to care about what others think to the point where you don't want to go out with your daughter to places. I think if it was me and my mum felt that way I'd be quite hurt. who cares if people stare? do you know these people? would it even matter if you did?

very posh places like the Ritz do have strict dress codes, however, and so probably you wouldn't want to go there with her simply as they might not let her in. but there are lots of up market places that you could go with her to. and I think YABU to rule that out because you are worried about people staring.

MsRinky · 20/08/2015 15:58

So, just say your last sentence to her. If she agrees to scrub up nicely for the day so you can go somewhere fancy, job done. If she pitches a fit, say how disappointed you are that her attitude won't allow you to have this last trip out together before she goes away to college, and let her reflect on it.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/08/2015 16:12

I'm with you OP.
Those ear stretcher things are gross.
And facial piercings (other than nose) make me feel physically ill. My stomach lurches and everything. I don't judge those people though. Each to their own as far as I'm concerned but for me it's just not nice to look at.
Thank heaven my DD didn't have the ear stretch things. She has about 15 holes in her ears but none of those.
She found out she wouldn't have been able to join the armed forces with those. It's considered an open wound and they won't let you join. Who knew?
But she is your DD and I don't think many people would bat an eyelid nowadays.
The Ritz and Claridges have loads of rock stars etc... so I'm sure they are used to it.
If it's what you want to do and your DD wants to go with you then just check before you make the booking and go along and do it!

MatildaTheCat · 20/08/2015 16:20

Yanbu. How about you tell her straight that you don't feel her wardrobe is quite right for Claridges etc and offer to go shopping with her for a suitable 'going out with mum to fancy places' dress?

As for the ear stretching...words fail me, they are gross. Buy her one of those hats with ear flaps? Grin

sparechange · 20/08/2015 16:26

I don't want to go to Shoreditch, we go out all the time to normal places, I want to go somewhere fancy

By fancy, you mean chintzy?
The Boundry in Shoreditch is lovely and has a roof terrace with stunning views over London. One Aldwych (not in Shoreditch) is a beautiful glass room with great art. Or Aqua at the Shard, or The Sanderson. They are all 5* fancy, where actual fancy people go, rather than tourists celebrating a 25th wedding anniversary (except The Shard. That is quite touristy)

tobysmum77 · 20/08/2015 16:27

ear stretchers are seriously awful, I'm hoping they are out before my dd gets into her teens.

yanbu op but I don't see her putting on court shoes and a twinset anytime soon... so maybe just go somewhere else Wink

Postchildrenpregranny · 20/08/2015 16:30

Try Zedel near Picaddily Circus (owned by the same people as the Wolesley) Not as grand as some but grand enough .

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 20/08/2015 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marcipex · 20/08/2015 16:31

I agree the ear stretchers are awful.

It seems very simple to me. You don't want to take her out to some venues, looking as she does. So don't. Easy. Am I missing something?

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