To not take Dd anywhere 'posh' any more because of how she looks?

[JeffsanArsehole]

We have always gone on theatre/play trips and she's very keen but we usually combine it with a fancy afternoon tea/dinner somewhere really fancy.

I don't want to go with her any more because of how she looks. All in black, cheap corsets, giant goth platforms, plus 50 piercings including giant ear stretcher thingies etc.

Ive refused to criticise or say I don't like her 'style' as I'm a liberal and think she can choose her own self expression.

But at the same time I don't want to go to fancy places while she has such an 'out there' anti establishment style.

(Yes, I'm dreading the huge tattoos she's going for soon)

YABU - let your daughter be who she wants to be.

I don't think Mumsnet allow name calling wrecking ball so keep your insults out of it

So report me.

I did, they usually remove insults.

It's not persecuting to tell someone you don't like something. It's giving an honest opinion.

Get rid or I chuck you out would be persecuting but you're not going to do that.

Because it is influencing your relationship with her and what you want to do with her.

Because her dad doesn't look at her with pride, goth or not.

One way or another the balance isn't right.

Because judging in private without having the courage of your convictions to say what you feel is hypocrisy.

Because one of the most important things you can teach your daughter is the speak the truth with kindness and care.

No, we're not hypocrites. She knows it's not to our personal taste since we don't have any piercings ourselves. And her older siblings take the piss (gently, as siblings do). She is in no doubt that we don't like the stretchers. We speak the truth to her about important matters plenty.

And ive already said we're proud of who she is, just not her dress sense or the way she chooses to wear her ears.

Yup, that'll be it.

My oldest daughter is 22 and has tattoos, about six I think although I could be wrong . However these are countered by her cute dimples and the fact that's she is just so friendly and lovely. She doesn't go for piercings and is usually in a dress, vintage style tea dresses are a favourite. My youngest daughter is 18 and she has one tattoo but also has her nose pierced.she isn't quite as sunny natured as her big sister and tends to wear black.

Despite that we have days out together and all love a cream tea, I was at a castle with my youngest last weekend having afternoon tea and I doubt anyone noticed us at all or even cared what we had on.

I dressed in Doc Martins, fishnets and very short black skirts when I was a teen so I'm always knew I'd have to be very relaxed with regards to what my girls chose to wear.....they've seen all my photos from the 80's so it's hard to criticise their choices

Yeah, the tattoos can easily be covered up by clothes but the piercings are definitely the worst. There's just so many, all over the face. One nose piercing is nice

Sketch would be a good option for afternoon tea. A bit different and quirky but still a treat. Nobody would bat an eyelid at your DD.

She's got two eyebrows done but she now wants a continuous stream of piercings across both eyebrows instead of just the corners done. It's going to look quite harsh having two loops of metal above her eyebrows, she's going for 6 on each eye.

I haven't been to Sketch, heard good things about it

Oh look. A handy link to our talk guidelines
Thanks ever so

Oh man I really can't explain this any clearer. You need to say that to her. If you don't it is absolutely hypocritical, you are saying one thing but acting in a way that shows you feel another.

It's damn confusing on boundaries too...

Apologies Olivia

I think it's fair to tell her you don't like attracting attention.. And really this is not about her, it's about you - even if she thinks it irrational and silly it's how you feel. You love her to bits and respect her choice to dress how she wants but in order for you to relax you'll have to pick other places to take her.

The ball is in her court really. If going to these fancy places with you means a lot to her, she will need to dress in a way that doesn't embarrass you, If she's not that keen on going to these fancy places then it's up to you both to find other places to go that you both like.

London is a huge place - there must be other places you can try. Imagine if you lived in a tiny village!

Jeff it's great. Don't expect the super-attentive, deferential service of the Ritz or Claridges but the afternoon tea is very good. Make sure that you visit several of the loos - the decor is different in each and they are all fabulous.

That's not what hypocrisy is though. Hypocrisy is claiming to have higher standards or beliefs than is the case.

She's in no doubt I don't like them or wouldn't choose them for myself

What are you suggesting I say about them that doesn't upset her or damage her self esteem? Serious question

You have a teenager who's pleasant company and who doesn't mind being seen out in public with you and you're still complaining?

That was to Toffee btw

Thanks Dolores for the Sketch recommendation