I’m getting married next month and at the time of sending the invites in June, his youngest brother (26) was single. In the entire 5 years I have known him, he’s never had a girlfriend lasting more than a couple of months – I’ve seen him get attached extremely quickly then heartbroken when the girl ends it numerous times. He’s got a big heart, but very old-fashioned sensibilities such as wanting a woman to stay at home while he takes care of them, and TBH I think it’s scared them off. He’s never been diagnosed, but I strongly suspect he is on the autistic spectrum and he still lives at home with his parents. Not sure how much of that is relevant to my question but didn’t want to drip feed.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, he calls my OH asking whether his new “partner” of 2 months can come to our wedding – he said if money was the issue he would pay for her. OH and I talked it over and I said I wasn’t comfortable with this. If indeed she was his partner, not a new girlfriend it would be a different (OH has 3 other siblings who are either married or in long term relationships and they are naturally invited) but the cynic in me thinks in all likelihood the brother and his girlfriend might have split up by the wedding. OH and I have met her twice at family BBQs, but we never actually spoke to each other – she was preoccupied with her 18 month old son who OH’s DB sees as his own, even after such a short space of time. Being nosy, I had a look at her Facebook profile – it’s all duck-face pouts at that “flattering” angle to disguise the fact she is morbidly obese exactly the kind of photos that make me cringe.
So I gave OH the following reasons why I wasn’t comfortable with her coming to the day do:
- I have already confirmed the wedding breakfast seating plan with the venue and tables seat a max. of 9. There are already 9 people around OH’s family table and either 8 or 9 on other tables, meaning OH’s brother and his girlfriend would either have to sit separately or I would have to split up other families so they could sit together.
- I feel self conscious enough about walking down the aisle already without sharing this moment with people who mean nothing to me.
- I don’t want someone I barely know in the family wedding photos who in my eyes isn’t family especially if she is pouting
OH seemed to understand point 1, thought I was being daft about point 2 and didn’t get point 3 at all. As a compromise I suggested that she was welcome to come to the evening do instead. OH reluctantly accepted, phoned his DB and told him this, giving the reason that we were full to capacity for the day do (which strictly we’re not, but we wanted to spare DB’s feelings) However as OH came off the phone he had tears in his eyes and said he felt he had let his DB down, which he said I didn’t understand because I’m an only child. I could see his point, but felt that my reasons were equally valid.
I thought the matter was closed, until a week later when OH’s DM phoned him up saying she didn’t think he was right that DB’s girlfriend wasn’t invited to the day do because it was sending out a message that we weren’t accepting her as part of the family and “it’s ridiculous that you can’t squeeze her in”, etc. OH didn’t tell me about this phone call for several days, during which time he was subdued and I literally had to worm it out of him what the problem was. He said he’d realised that he agreed with his DM and that it was “mean spirited” of me not to want DB’s girlfriend there and he couldn’t believe I had it in me to be like that. I told him that I had confided in two friends and my parents about it and they completely saw my point of view. OH now seems to think the reason I don’t want her to be in the photos is because she is obese (which I stress is not the reason!) and this makes me a “horrible person”. A huge row ensued, him saying “if she’s not coming, the wedding’s off!” me standing my ground. I couldn’t believe the way he was reacting – we’ve managed to plan the entire wedding so far without a single disagreement and in general we barely row at all, let alone about things so ridiculous.
OH did later apologise profusely later that day for laying down an ultimatum, as this has never been the dynamic of our relationship before. It makes me feel terribly sad because in my eyes this is detracting from what should really be important about our big day – the two of us saying our vows in an intimate setting with the people we really care about.
Fast forward another week and OH’s DM came to visit yesterday. I simply couldn’t face the Spanish inquisition about why DB’s girlfriend could only come to the evening do, so I spent the afternoon with my own parents instead to avoid a confrontation. When I came home OH was in a weird mood and it was obvious that something had been mentioned about it. As it stands, DB’s girlfriend is still not invited to the day do and I have no intention of being bullied into changing my mind. Today is the 5th anniversary of OH and I getting together and we’re supposed to be celebrating, but instead there is a tense atmosphere in the house. So am I being unreasonable or is OH? My family agree with me, his agree with him – objective opinions please!