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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think people shouldn't say anything if they've nothing nice to say?

215 replies

Laindons · 14/08/2015 13:01

A friend of mine's daughter is 16, and just put up a 12 weeks scan picture on Facebook, captioning ''It's official, baby is on his/her way and is nice and healthy''. This is the first she'd mentioned of her pregnancy on Facebook.

I was astonished by the responses! People said things along the lines of ''you're joking? :O'' ''Lol are you serious?'' One person even had the cheek to comment ''Really?'' Well yes fucking really, otherwise why would she put a bloody scan picture?

For some reason I think these people are completely out of line. Fine, it's okay to think that to yourself. BUT why bloody post it online, on someone's scan picture? Seems very disrespectful to me, no matter how you look at it.

AIBU to be so mad? Her Mum is also astonished as some of these comments were from Mums at the school that her younger sibling goes to and the Mum is friends with them.

Seriously, there was not one congratulations in sight from these outspoken people. Don't you think people ought to put up and shut up?

OP posts:
FortyCoats · 14/08/2015 20:32

You do realise nobody stays 16 forever right? Confused

You said the baby was disadvantaged before it was born. I asked on what grounds did you base that opinion?

Feline9 · 14/08/2015 20:33

Vivienne unless you know every detail of the persons life, you are in no position to comment. Not that it's anything to do with you anyway.

Personally judgemental bigots get on my tits far more than teenage mothers

lemonade30 · 14/08/2015 20:36

is that the faint clunk of pedals turning backwards I can hear.......?

MistressMerryWeather · 14/08/2015 20:40

What's ridiculous is saying this 'poor baby' will be disadvantaged without knowing any of the circumstances.

lemonade30 · 14/08/2015 20:43

you know because quite conceivably a child born to a sixteen year old who has effective and supportive parents herself is arguably distinctly more advantaged than one who is born to a single, orphaned thirty five year old.

but I'm guessing the thirty five year old would be worthy of your congratulations.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 14/08/2015 20:58

So now we can congratulate a 16 year old (as not to appear rude) if hae has effective and supportive parents? How about effective and supportive career and effective and suportive DP/DH

lemonade30 · 14/08/2015 21:01

how about not being so obtusely cocksure that both of those things are out of her reach by necessity of her early motherhood?

Backforthis · 14/08/2015 21:02

I'd assume it was a joke.

Feline9 · 14/08/2015 21:03

Sally I'm 21 and a student, and shock horror not with DSs dad, am I also worth your disdain?! Please tell me!

MNHQ
EmmanuelleMumsnet · 14/08/2015 21:04

Evening all,

Just popping on with a reminder that Mumsnet aims to make parents' lives easier.

This parenting business is hard enough as it is, and if there's one thing all of us could do with (at any age!), it's some moral support.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 14/08/2015 21:05

I said earlier, if you can't say anything nice dont say anything, but to say nothing was to show distain. Which do you want? It appears you want all FB 'friends' to be jumping up and down with this exciting news. It didn't happen and you're miffed! Why? I won't congratulate/I wouldn't be mean/I would just keep on scrolling.

DixieNormas · 14/08/2015 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemonade30 · 14/08/2015 21:08

for posterity I feel it pertinent to add that I became a mother at nineteen.
Indeed, I had four children by the age of twenty nine.
I have a partner who worships the ground that I walk on and I qualified as a doctor in 2012.

happily, I am not in need of your congratulations. I was also never worthy of your disdain. ditto my offspring Smile

Andylion · 14/08/2015 21:42

you see wannabe there's a negative judgement and appraisal inherent in a refusal to offer congratulations.

Lemonade, you make it sound as though not posting congratulations on Facebook is equivalent to crossing the street and averting your eyes if you were to see the young woman in real life. It is not.

Andylion · 14/08/2015 21:44

to be candid;
this unwillingness to falsify your feelings as an act of kindness strikes me as ridiculous arrogant and sanctimonious nastiness.

Lemonade, you would have us all be hypocrites, then?

spanisharmada · 14/08/2015 21:45

Heels it sounds like you need a link to how contraception works (spoiler alert - its not 100% effective Shock )

Reachout · 14/08/2015 21:46

I think people have really narrow minds towards young mums. The details of her circumstances has nothing to do with anyone but those close.

Ipigglemustdie · 14/08/2015 21:54

16 year old announces a pregnancy then my my first reaction is surprise. Then I put my politicians face on and say "ooh congrats" while silently thinking "Stooo-pid!"

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 14/08/2015 21:56

Reachout that's the point isn't it? It's her family and friends that will offer the practical support. You should not look to Facebook for that.

lemonade30 · 14/08/2015 21:56

as I have explained previously;
I answered the question of the OP broadly and not in specific reference to Facebook discourse of which I have admittedly limited knowledge.

I asked if those withholding their congratulations on social media would conduct themselves similarly if presented with a seemingly happy pregnant sixteen year old, brandishing her scan photos. In which case I intended to acquiesce to their greater knowledge of the normative behaviour acceptable on Facebook.
I received no answer to my question.

I consider it disingenuous to call hypocrisy In the case of placing kindness over abject candour.
surely we've all tempered our opinions to salve the emotions of others at one time or another?

bigbumtheory · 14/08/2015 22:47

lemonade30 I only have family and very close friends on my facebook so I would congratulate one of them.

Someone I didn't know who kept their facebook open who flashed up on my feed through someone else- no I wouldn't. I'd find it very odd indeed. I would find it weird if a 16 I didn't know was flashing me a scan photo too.

I think the lesson the OP and the mum-to-be should take from this is not to leave herself open to people who may say shitty things or things that may upset her. Better to stick to family and good friends and then you don't invite (in their eyes) comments and judgement.

Also it means you aren't looking to facebook (and randoms) to validate your choices, which is a better way to go for peace of mind.

bigbumtheory · 14/08/2015 22:52

Not saying she is looking to validate, she may/may not be or people may think she is. But if she was hoping that likes and congrats would make her feel better, then she's best not to rely on it. Social media can be great, but if you're too open to everyone then you can get reliant on it for approval or care.

socialmedianyu.wordpress.com/2014/02/24/does-social-media-make-us-needier/

lemonade30 · 14/08/2015 22:55

I agree with your appraisal on the whole bigbum.

although I consider the lesson to be that we should treat the young mum to be with kindness.

The emotional well being of a pregnant teen necessarily supersedes our need to voice our superiority by means of flagrantly sanctimonious negative judgements.

We could all learn something from hypocrites, first, do no harm
if this necessitates some hypocritical posturing then really, so be it.

DixieNormas · 14/08/2015 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigbumtheory · 14/08/2015 23:10

lemonade30 The problem with that is while many people would think that way, there are many who will not. And if you leave fb open to all then you invite all those people in.

The other problem is with that idea is that people are braver behind a screen, even if their face and everything is on show and when there's a band wagon going...it doesn't work in practice for some.So if someone is judgemental then they'll comment, or if they are the kind of person that needs to upset another to make themselves feel good, or if they think the post invites comment...

It's a shame. I personally don't bother with it much at all and just for family and friends because I've been upset by it myself in the past (for a couple of reasons, one being someone's bullying behaviour which had me locking it down very tightly).

I think the best thing for a vulnerable person is to only interact with true friends/family and to do so more offline then on.