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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

To think people shouldn't say anything if they've nothing nice to say?

215 replies

Laindons · 14/08/2015 13:01

A friend of mine's daughter is 16, and just put up a 12 weeks scan picture on Facebook, captioning ''It's official, baby is on his/her way and is nice and healthy''. This is the first she'd mentioned of her pregnancy on Facebook.

I was astonished by the responses! People said things along the lines of ''you're joking? :O'' ''Lol are you serious?'' One person even had the cheek to comment ''Really?'' Well yes fucking really, otherwise why would she put a bloody scan picture?

For some reason I think these people are completely out of line. Fine, it's okay to think that to yourself. BUT why bloody post it online, on someone's scan picture? Seems very disrespectful to me, no matter how you look at it.

AIBU to be so mad? Her Mum is also astonished as some of these comments were from Mums at the school that her younger sibling goes to and the Mum is friends with them.

Seriously, there was not one congratulations in sight from these outspoken people. Don't you think people ought to put up and shut up?

OP posts:

lemonade30 · 14/08/2015 14:43

of course I do.

You even converse like a teenager

lemonade30 · 14/08/2015 14:44

see above for the answer goose

DixieNormas · 14/08/2015 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 14/08/2015 14:51

I'm reading some of the comments on this thread and just loving the irony of the thread title!

Lollypop27 · 14/08/2015 14:56

I feel sorry for the poor girl. 16 isn't ideal but how many women on here post when contraception fails and they are pregnant? Who's to say that this girl isn't the same. I find it a bit over the top with all the 'wondering how I failed as a mother' stuff.

I had a child at 19 it wasn't planned and was a contraception failure, I had a choice to make and I chose my child. My mother did all the crying and shouting I was ruining my life bollocks. What I needed was someone to emotionally support me. Well done to the mother for supporting her child.

In regards to the Facebook post I would have wished a happy and healthy pregnancy. If you don't like something don't comment in my opinion.

wannaBe · 14/08/2015 15:08

being pregnant at sixteen is nothing to celebrate. I wouldn't say anything but I would assume that either the pregnancy was unplanned in which case I would hope that she could cope, or I would wonder why, if it was planned she couldn't aspire to better things at sixteen than having a baby.

It's perfectly ok not to think that getting pregnant at sixteen is something to be congratulated for. It's ok not to voice an opinion.

lemonade30 · 14/08/2015 15:16

you see wannabe there's a negative judgement and appraisal inherent in a refusal to offer congratulations.

you are not entitled to express such judgement, even inadvertently if the mother to be does not share your sentiment.

its not perfectly ok to be so glaringly, arrogantly rude.

Bettercallsaul1 · 14/08/2015 15:19

being pregnant at sixteen is nothing to celebrate.

Not at the time, perhaps, but over the course of a lifetime, I'm sure perspectives change and most of these babies are not regretted at all.

Sparklingbrook · 14/08/2015 15:19

Is there a 16 year old boy involved in all this also posting similar on FB about becoming a father?

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 14/08/2015 15:20

Congratulations means to express joy in the success or good fortune of another. I you don't feel that they have succeeded or are fortunate then why would you at it? Or should we fake it?

Original poster

Laindons · 14/08/2015 15:36

The boyfriend is 19, actually.

Any new life is a joy. And who's to say she wasn't using contraception, perhaps it failed? Grown adults have hiccups all the time, why is this any different?

OP posts:

Feline9 · 14/08/2015 15:40

Sally what a horrible attitude. Would you not congratulate someone on their new job if you didn't feel they should have been successful?

Original poster

Laindons · 14/08/2015 15:45

Why make someone feel even more pants than they already do in this situation?

Yes, she may be happy because she's posted a picture but as a facebook friend, you'd comfort her by saying something nice as she'd most likely be feeling shit scared and anxious, like any Mum, but especially a young and vulnerable one.

You people act as if she should be in great disdain during her whole pregnancy. Can't she enjoy it? Is that so wrong to you? Must she endure so much hatred just because you think she's too young?

It's not as if she is destined to never see the living day again.. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I'll say. there is a great challenge ahead, and I'm sure it's not what anyone wants for their daughter, but what's done cannot be undone, no matter how much you wish it could. May as well make the best of the situation because it's here to stay!

Interestingly, would you hold back your congratulations once she's actually had the baby?

OP posts:

supermariossister · 14/08/2015 15:52

I think I understand where some of you are coming from in that you wouldn't feel like it was a success but can I say from the other side being that 16 year old how damaging it is to feel like no one supports you, is happy for you or even believes you can do well for yourself and your child in the future. it's one of the hardest thing I have ever gone through and the most alone I ever felt luckily I had my mum and dad who supported me but many family members and people we knew as friends didn't and it was a long time before I felt able to build that relationship up again. best of luck for the future to her

paulapompom · 14/08/2015 16:09

I'd make a positive comment, it's done, she's pg and sounds pleased. Saying anything negative is mean spirited. But that's f**king fb for you!

Janeymoo50 · 14/08/2015 16:19

Personally I'd be rather upset if my 16 year old daughter got pregnant, I'd also be everso slightly cringing at her putting it all over facebook. Of course I would still love her, totally support her and help her in anyway I could and also obviously I would love my grandchild with all my heart. The reality is here that she is barely an adult (and likely to have been having UAS with no protection which I'm sorry but that's nothing to be particularly proud of). The posters on her FB page are also immature (in age, if also around 16) so it kind of goes with the territory I'm afraid. I wouldn't be saying congratulations either, I'd either say nothing or if I felt I had to/or wanted to say anything at all I would say, hope you're keeping well or look after yourself xx. What the OP has to understand is that just because people on this thread have different views to her it doesn't make either of us wrong (plus I think the OP is actually "closer' to the situation than she is letting on).

TheSnufflet · 14/08/2015 16:25

YANBU at all but I find it odd that you think it's mandatory to comment on people's FB baby news. It's not. People can judge in silence if they want. That's them 'not saying anything at all' as they don't have anything nice to say.

Do mums-to-be really go through their entire friends lists and blacklist anyone who hasn't 'liked' or commented on their news...?

Jackie0 · 14/08/2015 16:26

Me too, the mum perhaps

WorraLiberty · 14/08/2015 16:31

I half wondered that myself tbh.

Either way, the comments in the OP (considering most will be from teenagers) are not nasty, even if a few of them are from parents.

Which makes me wonder why the OP has picked up on those, instead of picking up on the positive comments, of which I'm sure there will be many (even if they're not all genuine).

Sparklingbrook · 14/08/2015 16:37

The boyfriend is 19, actually.

Why 'actually'?

scarlets · 14/08/2015 16:40

Those comments must be absolutely crushing for her. I can't imagine how crestfallen she must be feeling now. Awful.

If I were her FB friend I'd offer congrats and ask her general breezy questions about due date/morning sickness/bump size etc, as I'd do for my older friends, rather than treating her like an exotic species.

Starbrite00 · 14/08/2015 16:41

Just realised the OP.
You have a lot of pregnant friends who do controversial things.
Didn't your other friend post a announcement video too.

wannaBe · 14/08/2015 16:45

actually perhaps the parents of friends on there are saying something because they don't want their own sixteen year olds to think that being pregnant is something to be proud of/celebrated at sixteen.

And of course people have every right to say nothing As I said upthread, I wouldn't say something personally but I certainly wouldn't be offering congratulations, that is everyone's right...

ollieplimsoles · 14/08/2015 16:55

They probably cant believe she seems so proud of the fact that she is 16 and pregnant, they think she should be hiding under a rock in shame or something...

She's pregnant its hardly the end of the world, it could be great for her.

She should be careful about what she puts up though, plenty of nasty people have seen it and given an opinion. It will end up spoiling what should be a nice time for her.

Jackie0 · 14/08/2015 16:58

But the comments on her fb weren't nasty

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