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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think people shouldn't say anything if they've nothing nice to say?

215 replies

Laindons · 14/08/2015 13:01

A friend of mine's daughter is 16, and just put up a 12 weeks scan picture on Facebook, captioning ''It's official, baby is on his/her way and is nice and healthy''. This is the first she'd mentioned of her pregnancy on Facebook.

I was astonished by the responses! People said things along the lines of ''you're joking? :O'' ''Lol are you serious?'' One person even had the cheek to comment ''Really?'' Well yes fucking really, otherwise why would she put a bloody scan picture?

For some reason I think these people are completely out of line. Fine, it's okay to think that to yourself. BUT why bloody post it online, on someone's scan picture? Seems very disrespectful to me, no matter how you look at it.

AIBU to be so mad? Her Mum is also astonished as some of these comments were from Mums at the school that her younger sibling goes to and the Mum is friends with them.

Seriously, there was not one congratulations in sight from these outspoken people. Don't you think people ought to put up and shut up?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/08/2015 17:00

It's also not unheard of for teenagers to leave their phones logged into Facebook, and for a friend to post a joke status on their behalf.

Possibly hence the... "You're joking, lol are you serious? Really?" comments.

Hellionandfriends · 14/08/2015 17:02

I think she should defriend any rude people

She is a child herself and too young but I agree people should either congratulate or say nothing.

WorraLiberty · 14/08/2015 17:04

So they're not allowed to ask her to confirm that it's true?

Because that's all those comments are doing.

Reachout · 14/08/2015 17:06

But Worra, as already mentioned, the people who left those comments already knew it was true.

Jackie0 · 14/08/2015 17:08

We have no idea how the young girl feels about it anyway , we only know how her mum's friend feels.

Jackie0 · 14/08/2015 17:10

And by it I mean the

Jackie0 · 14/08/2015 17:10

Comments , not the pregnancy

Reachout · 14/08/2015 17:12

Jackie, she obviously wants others to share her joy if she's posted a personal photo?

WorraLiberty · 14/08/2015 17:12

Reachout I'm not sure how the OP could truly know that to be honest.

It wouldn't make sense anyway because the girl would obviously reply with "Yeah, I told you last week?" (Or whenever it was).

Either way, I think the OP's anger to a couple of FB questions, is disproportional.

lemonade30 · 14/08/2015 17:15

at this point it's probably pertinent to point out that teen pregnancy isn't catching, irrespective of congratulations or lack thereof.

parents of sixteen year olds should be able to make it clear that whilst they are ebullient in their congratulations towards the pregnant girl, teen pregnancy is not an overwhelming positive occurance on the whole in the majority of instances.

I wouldn't embarrass my child by failing to regale their pregnant peer with kindness.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 14/08/2015 17:15

It's not nasty not to congratulate someone if you personally don't think is fortunate or sucess. Being nasty would mean posting something nasty. Being silent wouldn't state one thing or another.

Jackie0 · 14/08/2015 17:18

Well she's going to find out that not everyone is joyful about a 16 year old being pregnant.
I imagine she's going to learn a few life lessons over the next year.
Which goes back to the ops post that I agree with actually , that it's better to say nothing at all.
The lol and you're joking type responses weren't nasty they were clumsy attempts to just say something I think.

lemonade30 · 14/08/2015 17:22

Sally as I stated up thread,

silence or lack of acknowledgement denotes a negative appraisal and judgement has been made.
you are not entitled to outwardly judge a pregnancy as negative unless the mother to be concurs.

If you are made aware of a wanted, healthy pregnancy the only polite and kind response is unequivocal congratulations.

However, it seems some of us are more concerned with our egos and misguided right to judge than kindness in such a situation.

which is a shame.

Jackie0 · 14/08/2015 17:23

At the risk of repeating myself , she going to have more support than countless generations of pregnant teenagers before her, we don't have to slap her on the back and say " well done " too. It's the fb aspect of it, its the wrong medium to use in this instance because it looks like she is hoping for likes.

lemonade30 · 14/08/2015 17:26

who expects other, unrelated people to feel joy at the news of their pregnancy, irrespective of age?

Surely the expectation is that others recognise and respect our right as prospective parents to feel joyful?

wannaBe · 14/08/2015 17:32

actually silence could just denote that you hadn't seen the post. This is facebook after all. Hmm nobody has the right to expect that everyone on their friend list would see and congratulate them on a pregnancy be they child or adult.

But actually, I regularly don't see all the posts on my fb friends' timeline, and in fact a friend did recently announce her pg on fb and I didn't see it until I saw a post about a week later saying thank you for all the congratulations. so to assume that silence equals judgement is wrong in fact as it's very likely that many on a friend list wouldn't see the picture.

lemonade30 · 14/08/2015 17:43

you know, actually I have no experience of Facebook.
The OP asked if it is better to keep your mouth shut if you have nothing nice to say and I answered in the negative, in rather broad terms.

However wannabe I'm quite happy to acquiesce to your better knowledge on the Facebook matter if you'd be so kind as to assure me that were you presented with the pregnant teenager, happily brandishing her scan photo in your direction, you would have the good grace and forethought to congratulate her.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 14/08/2015 17:50

Not everyone of FB looks at everything all day. If you post at 9am by 9.15 it's old news. You may have 100 friends but not appear on their feed at all if they set to only see some posts, so no your not guaranteed to see it. Also it's rude to comment a week later as the expectation is to like straight away. Some friends may only be friends in passing... That's nice ... Scroll on ...

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/08/2015 17:59

I wouldn't offer congratulations to a 16 year old on their pregnancy be it Facebook or in real life.

I'd wish her well/say I was glad all was going well with the pregnancy. That would be true.

toomuchtooold · 14/08/2015 18:22

With you OP - it's only the supportive thing to say something nice. I can't imagine there are many 16 year olds who are over the moon about being pregnant but as the girl has decided she is going to go ahead with the pregnancy it's time to be nice and congratulate her. Her child is as good as anyone else's.

Sallystyle · 14/08/2015 18:54

Well looking at my 16 year old son who I was pregnant with when I was 17, I think that pregnancy was worth celebrating Grin

Thankfully, most people were nice about it, or at least to my face.

Teen pregnancy is never going to be ideal clearly, but it isn't always so awful and it is not the end of someone's life or future.

She is going to have a tough time as it is, so I would be there with congratulations and a kind word. It is not a good thing but it has happened and now she needs all the support she can get, and I know that when people congratulated me it meant a lot to me.

As for it being on FB, why shouldn't she post it? FB is for posting about your life and she shouldn't be ashamed of it and hide it.

lemonade30 · 14/08/2015 18:54

to be candid;
this unwillingness to falsify your feelings as an act of kindness strikes me as ridiculous arrogant and sanctimonious nastiness.

Some of you should be bloody well ashamed of yourselves.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/08/2015 19:00

I'd never be unkind, I would say nice things. Just not the word congratulations, just because I think it would sound more like "congratulations?" than "congratulations!".

Which would make the girl feel bad. So "glad the pregnancy is going well" and asking due date etc would sound more genuine, coming from me, which is better I think.

Viviennemary · 14/08/2015 19:03

I'd say nothing either. But I'd think plenty. But honestly can this be an event for celebration. None of the comments were very nasty. Poor baby having a 16 year old as a mother. Disadvantaged before it's even born.

lemonade30 · 14/08/2015 19:06

so you couldn't disguise your misguided sense of entitlement to judge?

Your tone of voice would betray you?

I'm sorry but thats bullshit.

sometimes another person's feelings supersede your moral outrage.