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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re: visitors

362 replies

TopsyRose · 11/08/2015 22:53

Hi,

I know everyone says it, but I am prepared to be told IABU and that I'm being a miserable bitch...

My husband and I have recently relocated 120 miles from where we were living with our 3mo DS. We moved back to where I am from as I suffered with post natal depression (I needed my Family and Friends around me I think - I was very lonely) and also to further our careers.

My PIL want to come and see the baby, I would never ever stop them doing this, but they are insisting on coming at the most inconvenient time. They asked me when was best, I said "any time, any week, apart from Fridays and Saturdays" as my husband does a 15 hour shift on both of these days. They then went on to book a Friday and Saturday at a hotel.

They are saying the hotel is cheaper on these days, but I have looked online and this is not the case. They are not limited to come on just these days as they are both retired.

My husband asked them why they had done this as it is not any cheaper, she said that she should be able to come when she wants, and it is me trying to prevent her from seeing her Son and Grandson, and it is me that causing problems. She also cried down the phone, which obviously guilt tripped my husband.

Maybe IABU but I feel that she has booked it for this time so they see me alone with the baby. When this happens my MIL makes spiteful comments to me, which then causes problems with my husband and I. I feel it is too much for me to deal with.

Sorry this is so long, but if you are still reading AIBU to say "'no, I cannot see you on those dates" and insist if they come, they come on a day my husband is doing a shorter shift, or is off, so he can be with me for moral support?

Thanks

Topsy xx

OP posts:
OVienna · 11/08/2015 23:11

Tell them to rebook for at least one if the days your DH is there. MIL sounds like a spoiled brat. I would also try to postpone it for a few months to get your strength up.

julesldn · 11/08/2015 23:15

Really don't think you're being unreasonable. If someone says when are you free and you say every day but this day then surely they would suggest alternative options?!

I don't really understand MILs mentality, doesn't she want to see her son as well? Would be weird for her to want to see you and DC alone unless she thinks she's helping you out maybe?

Personally I'd call and lightheartedly say 'so sorry there must have been a misunderstanding! You're welcome any days but the reason it's difficult on fri and sat is because of DHs shift. Can you come tues-thurs instead?'

Wouldn't think it was worth getting into a tiff over.

Hope you get it sorted!

MagpieCursedTea · 11/08/2015 23:16

YANBU
Your DH needs to be on your side on this one and not give into his Mother's guilt trips.

Original poster
TopsyRose · 11/08/2015 23:47

Sorry, forgot to say that when my husband spoke to her, she said she didn't mind if she didn't see him
(DH) this time as she is planning on coming once a month Hmm It all seems a bit much.

OP posts:
Anniesaunt · 11/08/2015 23:50

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Your mil sounds like she is being twisted and trying to make a point. Ie she's boss and will call the shots. You're not stopping her seeing her son, she is by coming on the 2 days he's not available.

ollieplimsoles · 11/08/2015 23:55

Sorry op but its the mood I'm in:

FUCK 'EM

Totally unreasonable of them to disregard your wishes as a new mum. But who cares about what you want right? I mean the babies out now and that's all they care about.

Its a blatant disregard for your feelings and they are being overbearing and controlling. Your dh should be on your side entirely and should be putting your needs above everyone else's.

Why do some people instantly forget about the needs and wishes of the mother once the baby arrives?

Flowers for you op and sorry for the ranty reply, I'm struggling with a similar situation myself at the moment.
Nip this in the bud, you are bonding with a new baby, you will bot get this time back and you cant have it ruined by pushy relatives.

SewingAndCakes · 12/08/2015 08:41

Make some plans for those days and repeat; any day but Friday or Saturday as I'm unavailable those days. Stick to it Flowers

Mermaidhair · 12/08/2015 10:42

You need to dig your heels in right now. Trust me it will only get worse. Your dh needs to worry about your feelings at the moment, not his mothers.

nocabbageinmyeye · 12/08/2015 10:44

she said she didn't mind if she didn't see him
(DH) this time as she is planning on coming once a month

This is key, if you let them away with this now then you will have to deal with it monthly from now on. Tell your dh to say "Sorry Mam you did ask when suited and you were told any day expect Friday & Saturday, you asked and were told, come those days if you like but Topsy is unavailable so we won't see at all which would be a shame"

StampyMum · 12/08/2015 10:44

YANBU. You're doing the right thing by putting your foot down now - you have your own family now, your own home, and it's you that calls the shots, not MIL. Be really, really firm over this and the next time and you'll probably find she gets the idea. She sounds like an awkward sod, but it's up to you when and how you see her.

LilacWine7 · 12/08/2015 10:48

Yes be really firm now or this may become a regular thing. YANBU. She asked when was convenient then deliberately booked dates you said not to come! Tell her firmly those dates don't suit you and you won't be able to see them those days. She can re-book the hotel.

BarbarianMum · 12/08/2015 10:53

^^This. If she has a habit of being controling and nasty to you when your husband isn't around then get the ground rules set now. They come when convenient to you and when your dh is around only. Or they don't get to see you/the baby.

Lunastarfish · 12/08/2015 10:54

Yanbu

For me personally I'd suck it up on this one ocassion but say to them when they are here that those days aren't convenient because of DH shift. In the future make plans for those days (or lie and say you have plans).

I somewhat know how you feel. My PIL always want to visit at 7pm. This is just when DP gets home from work., I have a one month old so DP is cooking dinner a lot when he comes home. This means we end up having dinner really late when they visit which pisses me off as having lunch is a challenge some days so I'm usually starving by the time he comes home.

Also my DD is cluster feeding and they then complain that they don't get to hold DD (she'll be on my boob then). I've told then repeatedly to come around 11 am as DD will almost certainly be awake and content but no, they call DP at 5 asking to come at 7....

OOAOML · 12/08/2015 10:55

You told them those days didn't work. You have plans those days. Why not make sure you are busy - do you have people to meet, shopping to do, a visit somewhere else?

PosterEh · 12/08/2015 10:56

She sounds very manipulative. I'd have other plans for that Fri and Sat.

maz210 · 12/08/2015 10:56

YANBU at all, it sounds like your MIL is being difficult on purpose. I'd definitely make it clear that you can't see them those days and they need to change their hotel booking.

I think your husband needs to step up here and deal with this, why did MIL cry over it? It sounds a bit odd/manipulative to me.

Collaborate · 12/08/2015 10:58

Just say to them that it's a shame that they're coming on those days because as you've already said you won't be able to see them then.

diddl · 12/08/2015 10:59

YANBU.

They can stay where they want, when they want.

You can se them during that time when you want.

StayWithMe · 12/08/2015 11:02

I think you need your family and friends to visit at a lot at this time. Get a time table drawn up so and go out for lunch when family/friends aren't there.

FenellaFellorick · 12/08/2015 11:03

arrange to be out all day friday and saturday.

Perhaps even arrange to stay overnight with a family member.

They did this on purpose. You say any day except fri and sat please and they say screw her, how dare she put restrictions on US? We're going to come on the days she said please don't and that'll put her in her place. Who does she think she is?

I would honestly ensure I was not there.

I told you not to come, I told you any other days are fine. I won't be here. Enjoy your hotel stay.

Honestly, if you don't, they will never stop pulling this shit.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/08/2015 11:03

If they're unpleasant to you then I'd get DH to make it clear that you and baby aren't available while he's in work. She's deliberately being awkward.

Whatisaweekend · 12/08/2015 11:04

Your MIL is being manipulative and selfish and she is trying to establish her own ground rules here which def needs nipping in the bud. Your DH needs to call her and tell her that you are absolutely not trying to prevent her seeing her ds and your baby and it is ridiculous to suggest otherwise. They can come any day, any day EXCEPT for Fri/Sat. That is only 2 days out of a possible 7. As they are not working, there should be no problem with that. Could your dh enlist his dad to reign her in a bit, or does he just go with the flow (as most husbands of this kind of woman tend to do)?

StayWithMe · 12/08/2015 11:04

Could you arrange play dates at your house? I know it seems like a lot to take on, but it might be easier than one to ken with them. She sounds like a nasty fucker, bty.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 12/08/2015 11:04

Sounds like my mil. When now 4yo dd was a baby she used to come and sit and watch me bath her and comment on how I was holding her. Cue the big argument when I told her she's had her time as a mum and to back off. Nothing was ever constructive criticism it was just because she thought her precious son had been snatched off her. She's not as bad now with my new babies, but often believes she knows better than doctors if there's something wrong. It all goes through one ear and out the other now. Stay strong and stick to your guns!!

TeaPleaseLouise · 12/08/2015 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.