AIBU re: visitors

[TopsyRose]

Hi,

I know everyone says it, but I am prepared to be told IABU and that I'm being a miserable bitch...

My husband and I have recently relocated 120 miles from where we were living with our 3mo DS. We moved back to where I am from as I suffered with post natal depression (I needed my Family and Friends around me I think - I was very lonely) and also to further our careers.

My PIL want to come and see the baby, I would never ever stop them doing this, but they are insisting on coming at the most inconvenient time. They asked me when was best, I said "any time, any week, apart from Fridays and Saturdays" as my husband does a 15 hour shift on both of these days. They then went on to book a Friday and Saturday at a hotel.

They are saying the hotel is cheaper on these days, but I have looked online and this is not the case. They are not limited to come on just these days as they are both retired.

My husband asked them why they had done this as it is not any cheaper, she said that she should be able to come when she wants, and it is me trying to prevent her from seeing her Son and Grandson, and it is me that causing problems. She also cried down the phone, which obviously guilt tripped my husband.

Maybe IABU but I feel that she has booked it for this time so they see me alone with the baby. When this happens my MIL makes spiteful comments to me, which then causes problems with my husband and I. I feel it is too much for me to deal with.

Sorry this is so long, but if you are still reading AIBU to say "'no, I cannot see you on those dates" and insist if they come, they come on a day my husband is doing a shorter shift, or is off, so he can be with me for moral support?

Thanks

Topsy xx

You can't control other people's behaviour. If she chooses to have a hissy fit and cry and go and see her GP and tell the GP she is stressed and needs tablets then you can't stop her. people who are really your friends (and who know what she's like) will still be your friends.
I would probably go away somewhere so you aren't in at all. I'd get on a train if need be..

For Topsy a text is so unequivocal. Topsy can follow up with a text a day later, because she is a caring dill. If she gets no response from either then follow up with phone call

Head tilt "Just checking everythings ok? Did you got my text re dates? We want to manage your expectations. We would so hate to miscommunicate and disappoint".

Either

A. She admits she got text, Topsy repeats previous points
B. She denies she got text, Topsy tells her verbally, repeats previous points
C. She gets hysterical, Topsy repeats previous points.
D. Confirm its because you all want to be together with you DH and DC.

Your house. Your family. Your rules. That is the front door.

Your house, your rules.

Go out if you can, but if not, close the curtains, deadbolt the door and refuse to let her in. Let her get stressed and play the victim and, if anyone asks, send them messages etc of the conversations you have had with her.

I don't think YABU at all. Can you insist on rearranging? Maybe your DH needs to make a stand with his mother on this. Alternatively, can he take some holiday when they're down so you're not on your own with them?

OP you're doing really well but you must continue to make a stand. You made it clear it wouldn't work for you and she has booked it anyway, clearly disregarding you. Please find somewhere else to be for those 2 days. Have you family/friends you can go and visit?

You have to stop worrying about seeming mean. They are not worrying about being mean to you, are they.

When she turns up, as she inevitably will, you have to not answer the door to her. Or get everything ready and sweep out to your car and drive off to your mum's. Under no circumstances are you to give in because you will be telling her that your opinions dont matter and it's okay to completely ignore you. You might as well have doormat tattooed on your forehead!

You have my sympathies. I had a mil who would turn up unannounced and sit in my house all day and if I wasn't in, would invite herself to my mum's. I used to hide upstairs and pretend to be out. In the end words were had and she became better. But if I'd allowed it my ILs would have been completely donineering.

I was lucky I had a dh who backed me up - it does make life easier. That's a definite thing to address - he mustn't be allowed to make plans for his relatives to stay that you have to honour.

Important to get this sorted from the early days. I actually liked my ILs - they were decent people, but lack of respect for my personal space had a huge negative affect on the relationship and it was so easily avoidable, if they had just backed off a bit.

You shouldn't have to go out as they shouldn't be turning up, but if you can you might find it easier so that you can truthfully say that you aren't there & not fear leaving your own home iyswim.

You shouldn't have to go out but I think it would be best. The ILs have to see that you can't be ridden roughshod over, that if you say it's not convenient, that it's not. They will see that if you simply aren't there.

Going out would at least make the point.

I have spoke to fil (they are divorced but do most things together - just to add to the confusion) all he could say was "I understand you're in a difficult position Topsy but since you all moved away she hasn't been able to cope, she is living for this weekend and now you're making things hard for her". I tried to politely explain this is not the case, but that I just wanted to make it clear that I am not around on either of the days, I cannot cancel my arrangements and they are going to have a wasted trip.

This confirms they don't care one bit about me.

I have now given up and will just lock myself away for the weekend / go and stay with my Auntie.

Nice bit of emotional blackmail from your FIL there!

Twodrifters approach is a good idea, though I'm not sure that the hotel will discuss someone else's booking with you.

I think the answer is to be away overnight on the Friday and Saturday, ideally too far away to pop back to your own house to see PIL. Do you have helpful and accommodating friends or family an hour or so away?

Oh cross post.

You're right, they expect you to drop everything and lie down while they trample all over you. You do need to be firm from the outset.

You are NOT making things hard for her- you told her what would work and she deliberately booked for the dates which you couldn't do.

I did wonder if this was the price/punishment for you moving away.

AND back to your family & friends.

I mean what a load of bollocks.

"living for this weekend"

FFS!!

My DM had form for this kind of thing. She would do whatever she wanted,regardless of your wishes. She would ignore all objections and continue with her plan.
Years ago she phoned one lovely summer evening when my husband and I had just decided to go out for a long walk with a picnic. Picnic was packed and we were all ready to go. Mother phoned. She had decided that she was going to come over. But we are just about to go out we said. I don't care, I want to come anyway ( to paraphrase) said mother. After ten minutes of verbal sword play I gave up and said fine she should come over.

My husband and I went out as planned.

The next day I had a furious phone call from mother saying she had driven for an hour to see me and had knocked on the door for ages. I apologised and said that I had told her many times that we were going out.
She never did it again. She respected my wishes. This is all about power and lack of respect. Don't back down.

Sorry but did you think they did care about you? They really don't. They actually don't care about their own son either given they are coming on the days when they know he isn't available. They only care about their GC. As others have said, give an inch, they will take a mile. Tough fucking shit if the old bat is stressed etc from you moving. Tough shit if the manipulative cow goes on antidepressants because she can't get her way (it's unlikely that she did, it's just tactics).

They will never come on the days that your DH is around, he will only ever come on these days. They need to learn they can't pull this shit and it won't be tolerated. Who gives a flying fuck if they go crying to the rest of the family about you. Do you honestly care? I wouldn't. You don't have to see them often.

And your DH really needs to find his balls and start stand get up to his family and put you first. You have moved because you are depressed and need some support. He needs to be on board with this and put your needs before his manipulative mothers.

My MIL has cried down the phone to DH when he has said something she doesn't like. It cuts no ice with us. She hasn't done it for a while.

You're making things hard for her???

Reality not impinging much in that relationship clearly! Go to Auntie. Not being in the house at all will be so much less stressful, and you can sincerely say (yet again) "But I SAID I had plans... which is why I said any day but these two."

Bottom line is, she wants you to say "ok MiL you're most important, I'll cancel everything and be home for you so you can enjoy yourself being spiteful all day."

She sounds so much fun.

topsy FIL will be her flying monkey. He would have had a life time of doing anything just to get her to STFU.

I've had to hide from mil when I was pregnant and she knew I was in the house. I know what your feeling and it's horrid. It makes you feel sick that you don't have any control over your life because one persons emotions and wants comes before everybody elses.

You can do somthing. I did. After many upset nights and awake till 4am stressing so much about it. I went quite far with it. I told DP i was ready to leave if he didn't support me. I then told MIL she was not allowed to my home any more and DP supported that.

I wish I had stuck up for myself waaaaaaay before it got to that point though. I wish I'd had the courage to say 'no' and mean NO and not be bullied by her and manipulated by her family.

If I was you I would keep saying no. I would also stay away those two days and nights. I would let her know you are staying away but you are still available on any other day.

Who cares if you are deemed nasty. You need to keep your own self esteem in check for your own sanity. You do need to let her know she doesn't run you. Your an adult who can make your own choices.

She won't respect you for standing up for yourself but she will know how far she can push you.

Good luck. I really know what your feeling

And just to point out, she is making it hard for herself.

You haven't said no to the only two days available for her to see her GS ever!!

I agree wholeheartedly with the suggestion of staying at your aunts. She sounds like an utterly manipulative bitch - you are not keepin her from her gc, she is deliberately doing what she can to be spiteful.

Ignore her and ignore her flying monkeys - they are simply not worth the energy you're spending thinking about them.

absolutely go away for the weekend topsy, have a lovely time with people who love and care about you and want to make your life easier. Don't do anything for your MIL you won't be prepared to do every month, as she's setting how much she can push you. Also I would point blank refuse to communicate with pil, that's their sons job. Don't see them without him either. I've implemented these rules recently (5 month old, pnd/ptsd) mother in law two minutes away and new town no friends) and am much happier. Moving back home in a month too. Your recovery trumps everything, and she it's not going to help you so your partner must protect you

How horrible for you to be manipulated like that. If seeing her grandson was that important she would damn well make sure you were available and arrange her travel around that.
Its proof she doesn't care she just wants to 'win' and she is punishing you for moving away

Your main problem is your DH, he really needs to grow a back bone and stop these unwanted visitors. Your MIL is EA and it will only get worse. Can you stay with family for the two days?

Sorry, going to stick up for FIL ... He's cacking his pants at a whole weekend of MIL and no baby to distract her!! Poor fool. He's deflecting the heat to you. Text FIL and say please can you double check next time, as I'm not here.

There is no mention that fil will be joining her Sally - they're divorced.