AIBU re: visitors

[TopsyRose]

Hi,

I know everyone says it, but I am prepared to be told IABU and that I'm being a miserable bitch...

My husband and I have recently relocated 120 miles from where we were living with our 3mo DS. We moved back to where I am from as I suffered with post natal depression (I needed my Family and Friends around me I think - I was very lonely) and also to further our careers.

My PIL want to come and see the baby, I would never ever stop them doing this, but they are insisting on coming at the most inconvenient time. They asked me when was best, I said "any time, any week, apart from Fridays and Saturdays" as my husband does a 15 hour shift on both of these days. They then went on to book a Friday and Saturday at a hotel.

They are saying the hotel is cheaper on these days, but I have looked online and this is not the case. They are not limited to come on just these days as they are both retired.

My husband asked them why they had done this as it is not any cheaper, she said that she should be able to come when she wants, and it is me trying to prevent her from seeing her Son and Grandson, and it is me that causing problems. She also cried down the phone, which obviously guilt tripped my husband.

Maybe IABU but I feel that she has booked it for this time so they see me alone with the baby. When this happens my MIL makes spiteful comments to me, which then causes problems with my husband and I. I feel it is too much for me to deal with.

Sorry this is so long, but if you are still reading AIBU to say "'no, I cannot see you on those dates" and insist if they come, they come on a day my husband is doing a shorter shift, or is off, so he can be with me for moral support?

Thanks

Topsy xx

She's nasty to you.

Why would you see her alone & why would anyone think that you should?

She's a twat.

Repeat as necessary: 'It does not work for us for you to come on those days. Otherwise you are welcome any time.'

And your DH needs to stand up to her and stop this, too, even if she cries.

If they DO still come when it doesn't suit you, make plans to be absent; stay with family or something.

And fuck coming once a month.

I agree get busy, friends wouldn't do this, so why would family. Seriously she needs to listen. Why make it more difficult, remember its once a month!!! Every month.

she wants to get you on your own so that she can attack you

you must protect yoursef from this woman, try not to engage she sounds as if she wants power and control

Sounds like a total power trip. MIL wants to get you alone because she enjoys wielding power over you and making you unhappy – and I bet she will also try to use that time to prise your baby away from you when you're not comfortable with it.

You said not Friday or Saturday, that was your condition. No one should get to just stamp all over that like it doesn't matter. Making you feel bad because you said not those days and they decided to ignore you is breathtakingly unreasonable – of them!

It may be a bit late for this now but remember you can bend the truth to protect your time. Instead of "not those days because DP is away" you can say "I'm sorry but I have plans on those days, we're not available, you'll have to rebook." Even if your "plans" are to spend time alone with DS, that's still your plan and your choice.

This time, make some other plans. Can you go to visit a friend or your own family? Then tell them "I said not Friday and Saturday, and we actually won't be here those days so you'll need to rebook for different days of the week".

I'd also be sitting your DH down and reminding him you have had PND and you need to protect your mental health. Since his mother is inclined to make nasty comments and power trip over you when he's not there, you refuse to deal with her on your own. Why the hell should you? Would he entertain your family on his own?

He may not like to hear it but you matter. You do not have to put up with shit treatment from anyone, even if it is his mum, even if she does cry down the phone. He should be saying to her "Well Topsy said not Fri or Sat, so don't book them."

Take this into your own hands now and make sure Fris and Sats (or any time he's not there to buffer his mum) are 100% off limits.

If DH doesn't say no can your family/friends be over for the thu/fri so if MIL does come then you are not alone?

Never mind bending the truth
Lie through your teeth if you have to :o
Look after number one!?

I am sorry. I have some experience of a similar set up. It does not get better with time but quite the opposite.

You do not need to put up with 'spiteful comments'. If MIL has a go at you only when there are no witnesses, then make sure there are other people in the house with you when they come. Perhaps your parents would 'love' to see your PIL and can be around? Maybe you have some friends who would be 'delighted' to see/meet your PIL?

Be nice but firm. 'Would it not be much nicer for MIL to be around her son as well as her grandchild?'. 'Isn't it a shame that they come and choose to miss out on their own son?'

You need your sanity and they need boundaries. Your baby does not need a stressed out mother.

Good luck!

I should also add that in my experience (from real life and reading many MIL-related threads on here) that MILs like this often step it up a gear when a baby is born. It's something they can use to try to assert power over you and also as a manipulation tool (responding to totally normal boundaries with "boo hoo you're stopping me from seeing my grandchild").

Show this woman a massive line in the sand now.

give and inch and she will take a mile

My Father is retired and still likes weekend away, even though he can travel any day. Maybe that is why they did it? I would be a bit miffed but not mad, in your position I would be asking my DH to ask why have they picked the worst day for him, is there cancellation penalty to change? thus not making it about you?

You don't have to host them for then for an entire day/any time that you don't want to.

YANBU. Crying down the phone or not, you need to put your foot down. Your DH needs to ring they back and tell them to cancel their little trip and reschedule it for when he's there.

YANBU.

Your DH needs to have your back - you're his family now and you're suffering from PND. You need support, not stress. Your MIL clearly booked those dates just because you said not to - why would she demand on travelling 120 miles when she knows her own son won't even be there and is available on other days, and then says that you are trying to keep her from seeing her son?! WTF.

Your DH needs to stand up to her and stand up for his wife. If she makes nasty comments to you when you are on your own, then you need to tell DH about it and he needs to put her in her place - she either is nice to you or you will not entertain her visits.

Tell your DH to call her up and repeat that you are not available those days and she will have to rebook. I would not suck it up just this once as that sets the scene for repeat performances. If she insists on coming, tell her you have plans and won't be available at all - either go to your family, or get them to call to you so that your family can answer the door and say sorry she's napping with the baby, and we're out later.

You told them the days that were not suitable, if you don't want to see them when DH isn't there then don't. It's not your problem that they didn't listen. Make yourself unavailable.

Activia, the MIL clearly has an agenda.

Saying 'she should be able to come when she wants, and it is me trying to prevent her from seeing her Son and Grandson, and it is me that causing problems', and crying down the phone, is not reasonable behaviour that can be filed under 'I like weekends away.'

How can you prevent her seeing her son then in the next breath she says she doesn't want to see him this time?
You must make a stand now. If they insist on coming lock the doors and ignore them.
If she is rude or spiteful to you any time, tell her to get out of your house. You wouldn't let a stranger abuse you verbally so why should she be any different?

Whether consciously or unconsciously MiL is stomping down your boundaries. No well intentioned person finds out what dates are not convenient, books for exactly those dates and then does the guilt trip sobbing when challenged on it that 'you're keeping her from her grandchild?'

We need a permanent support thread somewhere on MN for those partnered to men lost in thrall to their domineering, guilt tripping mummies at cost to their marriages. Dh needs a kick up the bum, this is not about his mother and he's not a child any more, it's about his wife and child. Don't wait for him to sort this; the bitter collective experience of this kind of thread here is that men in this situation hardly ever do and it takes years.

Unfortunately it's going to come down to you gathering up the nerve to cheerfully and bluntly lay out the boundaries and stick to them, fully aware that she is going to try using her behaviour to get what she wants. Look on it as practice for when your LO hits the toddler stage, and while it's very hard to do when depressed, it is quite liberating. No, she does NOT get to come when you're alone so she can needle and upset you. No she does NOT get to come on the very few days you said weren't convenient. No. She has to change her booking, end of. And if insists on coming to the hotel anyway, take LO and de camp to your parents or friends for the day when dh goes to work and don't go home until dh is there again. If need be, decamp there day and night for the full 2 days. She will strop. She will cry. She will have tantrums and make silly over dramatic declarations. She may well come up with illness and further drama as reasons why she should get what she wants when she wants it. It doesn't make her right and it isn't going to hurt her. And when she (and dh) realises that it doesn't work and you just aren't going to roll over for her, she might develop a bit more respect towards you.

Dh is from the look of things also finding her behaviour more inconvenient to bear than yours - which is why he'd like you please to just co operate with MiL quietly so she leaves him alone. The only way to change that is to not be the easier one for him to upset. Not in the sense of throwing a bigger tantrum than he does, but in the sense of saying 'right, I'm taking LO and I'll be at Susan's, see you Sunday', and then doing it. Why does he expect you to entertain his parents for 2 days anyway?

I think you've been incredibly generous in your offer of times and days for them to visit. As pp's have said, this is a huge test, and has the potential to become a longstanding battleground if it's not nipped in the bud now.

I was in a similar situation when DD was born, and received some fantastic advice; they don't like you much anyway, or they wouldn't treat you like this. Reconcile yourself to that fact, and it becomes much easier to stay calm, be civil, and be VERY firm about what your expectations are.

I was called all the names for stopping my PILs from behaving how they wanted, complete with wailing, crying and "your Mother can't eat or sleep she's so upset" phone calls to DH. Expect this behaviour if you stand up for yourself. You CAN do this though - you'll have a much easier life later on if you stand firm now. I know it must be so hard with a little one and PND too, but for your long-term sanity, insist that they behave according to your wishes.

Good luck; we're all here if you need help.

Just a side note, don't make this. About MIL to DH, make it about you. I don't want to entertain while you are at work, I can not do those days. I need you home to help me please..... Rather than your bloody mothers a pain in the whatsit

I sent her a text as I'm a coward:

"Hi, hope you're ok? I have double checked online and there are still cheap rooms available Mon-Weds if you can make this work? I'm concerned that otherwise you may have a wasted journey as DH will be in work and DS and I have plans for both the Friday and Saturday that I cannot cancel. Let me know. Topsy x"

I'm waiting for her to get back to me

Good. All about you. Strong to the point, but showing concern for them. Await DH phone call, cos she will ring him first,

Well done I think that is a great text, direct, boundaries and polite!

Set your boundaries, this is your family, you are not being unreasonable.

Congrats on the new baby!

Well done Topsy that is brilliant. Breezy, matter-of-fact, but cast-iron firm about what is going to happen. Now stick to it and don't let any amount of blackmail change you being available when you said, not when they decide.

YANBU. MILs can be hard work at the best of times. I've long since given up trying to fathom mine out even after 27 years. They do tend to step it up a gear when grandchildren arrive. Mine insisted on buying our DS something we didn't want him to have. It didn't get used much and has long since gone to the tip. What can I say? I did warn her! If I were in your shoes I would ask DH to have a word with her. Tell him you're not ready to cope with entertaining on your own. Maybe he could stress that he would really like to see them too but, as you've already said, those days are not convenient.

And also texting and email are brilliant inventions, and nothing to be ashamed of using IMO. They let you take your time to compose your responses and not be bullied. You have every right to do this by text and not phone, especially if she has form for having a go at you.